Donor Conception and Surrogacy Support > Donor Conception

How do you deal with telling your child, when you've used anon. donor?

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bundles:
Ladies  :) we have a new member who is interested in some discussion about using an anonymous donor but planning to tell the child. Have any of you done this ?
Are there any advantages to using an anonymous donor if you are going to tell your child? I can think of a couple of reasons to go abroad : lower cost, higher success rates, but how do you balance this against your desire to tell, and therefore the inability to trace.
Please play nicely  :)
Bundles xx

Moragob:
HI

I am interested in this discussion too.  We will tell (LO is only 2 so subject hasn't cropped up yet and I am 12 wks pregnant using a different donor) and we used a Spanish clinic in both cases.

Anonymity was important to us as we feel we are our child's parents and as only one cell was donated not a child (as in the case of adoption) there is no other 'parent' or 'siblings' to be considered.  The clinic will release further info if medically required so we feel that covers the only situation we could envisage where we would want more info.  We have not reached the point where she is asking questions but think that we will be as open and honest with her (and her sibling due in Jan 15) as we possibly can be.

Morag

Me, Myself and I:
Though I am currently in the not telling camp so to speak, my donor was anonymous so though I have all available information, that would be the sun total of what my child would gain if I shared and I now wonder if a little bit of knowledge is far worse in this scenario?
The donor no longer donates, and has noone on sibling registry, not that I see these as "siblings" in the true sense......
I suppose I ponder is it "worth" the potential heartache of such information for so little concrete information?

Turia:
Also interested in this thread!

We used a donor in Spain so obviously anonymous.  Given our ages and that we have been together 23 years, most people know it is IVF and I don't mind saying so but only immediate family and a couple of friends know that it is donor but that still adds up to about a dozen.  And of course it is now in my medical records.  Having followed the threads, I was always quite happy to tell any child, knowing from the threads that if I did it early enough they would always know and therefore it wouldn't come as a big surprise.  OH was quite happy to go along with that.

However now that I am finally pregnant (see signature), I'm having real doubts about telling and my OH is dead against the idea too.  As far as he is concerned, I'm carrying baby and that is all baby needs to know.  I also don't want it to be a big deal and I don't want there to ever be any doubts as to who is mum. 

But I'm completely torn as (a) it seems a lot of people know and these things are hard to keep secret (b) there are things I would want to share when baby is much older - for instance we bought baby a Real Madrid scarf at the stadium right next to the clinic on the day of conception and of course (c) what is the point of telling if they cannot do anything about it other than cast it up against me in a moment of being a typical teenager.

Looking forward to reading other people's thoughts!

Turia x

Chrissy Lou:
We are due to go for donor IVF at Reprofit in October and the same questions are keeping me awake. My boyfriend is very pro-telling and I do see his point in wanting things to be out in the open for all involved, but i am concerned about telling a child who then can't do anything with the information.

I attended a talk a while ago where the donor recipient told me that her DE son really isn't all that interested in the story, but then he was only five years old and that might change? My partner says that, as long as the child feels loved, special and secure, that's all that matters - but how can you be sure how your child will feel...

I am taking a lot of comfort from reading up on epigenetics, which means I would have quite a bit of influence on my child's development and expression of genes. Check out Robert Sapolsky's youtube videos on genetics, epigenetics and pre-natal influences on the foetus, it's fascinating stuff.

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