* Author Topic: ICSI 1, BFN with 1 frostie. ICSI 2, BFN. FET, BFN. ICSI 3 - BFP! Twins!  (Read 29522 times)

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Offline Cowshedbythesea

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After being a regular 'lurker' for the past year and spending hours (days!) lost in other people's diaries and stories, I thought it was about time to start my own.

We've been TTC for nearly three years, MFI & mild PCOS. Healthy BMI's, non-smokers, generally healthy lifestyles etc. I'm nearly 30 and I've never had a positive pregnancy test, this makes me more anxious than I care to explore at this point.

Today marks the real beginning of our journey, as we are going to our first egg sharing appointment! (I'll intentionally be vague about some of the details throughout this, as I'm aware that the egg recipient may be using these same forums). Egg sharing is something I'd written off when I first heard about it, my initial reaction was that I didn't like the thought of children out there that were genetically mine. However after having time to really think about it, I realised that I wasn't worried about that, I'd been worrying about other people, worrying about that. Weird eh?

Though we've had tests and spoken to professionals before, today is the first egg sharing appointment and the first time I've actually started to see an end to this journey. Though I hold no illusions that it will work on our first cycle, it's a step in the right direction.

I'm hoping this diary will allow me to keep track of appointments, results and feelings - and fingers crossed, many posts from now, I'll be able to say that I've finally got that BFP.

 ^reiki^



 

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    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    First treatment planning appointment - done.
    « Reply #1 on: 16/12/15, 14:31 »
    Yesterday's treatment planning appointment went so much better than I could have ever imagined. Pretty much haven't stopped smiling since!

    I was weirdly nervous before I went in, even now I can't figure out why. I think that I was half expecting the nurse to take one look at us and say 'nope - next!.' I will admit that I spent a little longer than usual making sure I looked nice, though I'm pretty damn sure the nurse was fancying my AMH figures, not my lippy  ^idiot^

    The nurse was absolutely lovely, she had this really calm, matter of fact way of talking that both me and my hubby found extremely reassuring. I'm prone to over researching things, but I learned a few things that I didn't know before. Mainly:

    1. When you egg share, they try and match you to a recipient for three months. If, at the end of that period you aren't matched then you have your treatment anyway and they freeze the other half of your eggs.
    2. You can change your mind at any time before implantation, even when the other woman has your eggs fertilised with her partners sperm!
    3. The recipients get hardly any information about you, beyond medical information.

    Number two is the one I've been focussing on, I can't imagine any circumstance where I would change my mind once I've committed - that would be unbearably cruel. This process is so out of our control, for someone who needs an egg donor to, at the last minute, be told that they weren't getting them would be heartbreaking.

    I gave all my information to the nurse, and it was amazing to see her so excited. She said I have 'desirable characteristics' (eye and hair colour) and that she thinks I'll get matched fairly quickly. She was talking about starting treatment in Jan or Feb - which is soooooooo much faster than I ever anticipated! I'm now hoping and praying that all my test results come back ok, this is the first time I've allowed myself to feel hopeful, or what I'll now refer to as 'cautiously optimistic.'


    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    Allowing myself to get excited
    « Reply #2 on: 18/12/15, 14:00 »
    We have been thinking of IVF/ICSI for around a year, and every time I've spoken about it or thought about it I always think about three cycles. I've never once considered that it might work first time. I've been using that as a way of protecting myself, of not getting my hopes up and therefore not being disappointed.

    After our egg sharing appointment, my lovely hubby made a passing comment that if our first cycle worked then we would be celebrating next Christmas with our own little one. For the first time my instinct wasn't to assume it wouldn't work, but hope that it might. Maybe it's not healthy and maybe I'm setting myself up for a fall, but for the first time I'm excited... and I'm going to stick with that feeling for a little longer.  ;D

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    Making plans
    « Reply #3 on: 21/12/15, 15:35 »
    While I'm in limbo land and waiting for my results to come back to see if I'm eligible to egg-share, I'm starting to make plans for the new year. I want to give myself the best chance possible and that means getting myself as healthy as possible.

    I eat fairly healthily anyway and am a good weight, but this is my current plan:

    - Start taking pregnacare supplements
    - Go 'dry' for all of January (no alcohol at all)
    - Cut out all processed sugar and up my protein intake
    - Go to an exercise class twice a week.

    It's nothing dramatic, but I'm hoping that by making these small changes it will make me feel more in control of my body and my future  ^bigbad^

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    CMV
    « Reply #4 on: 31/12/15, 07:54 »
    CMV.

    I'd never heard that acronym before this week, now it's dominating my thoughts.  ^idiot^

    All of my egg-sharing test results aren't back yet, but a few days ago I rang to check on the results that were back. I was told I'd tested positive for CMV, but no consultant was available to talk to me until January 4th! The receptionist told me not to worry, that half the population have it and don't know about it and that she couldn't tell whether I had it now or whether I'd had it in the past.

    From chatting with women on the other boards, it seems that as long as I don't currently have it then it doesn't necessarily exclude me from egg sharing - but they will have to match me with someone who is also CMV positive, or doesn't care about CMV status. It seems it's a much bigger deal for sperm donors than it is for egg-sharers, I don't know the science but it's something to do with the way they 'wash' the eggs.

    It's stupid, but it never even crossed my mind that I wouldn't get accepted onto the egg share programme. I've been so focussed on the outcome, I haven't given enough thought to the journey. Reality is now firmly in my face, and I'll do my best to keep it there.

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    Fibbing
    « Reply #5 on: 4/01/16, 13:19 »
    I've become a bit of a liar since starting my egg sharing journey.

    Colleagues and friends ask why I'm not drinking alcohol and I say I'm doing 'Dryathlon' for Cancer Research.

    Strangers ask me when I'm planning on having children, and to stop myself bursting into tears I say things like "Kids? Nah! I have enough trouble with the dogs!"

    We've told a few, select people about ICSI. When I first told a friend about it, I explained about egg sharing. She kept pretty quiet at the time. Now we are going down the egg sharing route, but when she asked for an update I fibbed and said we'd decided against it. She then went on a 10 minute rant that ended in tears about what a mistake it would have been and how we would have regretted it. I stayed quiet and changed the subject damn quickly, but it's been playing on my mind.

    From now on, I'll keep fibbing!

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    The power of a diary entry
    « Reply #6 on: 5/01/16, 14:46 »
    Because this journey is so out of my control, I'm finding these diary entries really cathartic. I'm just stuck waiting for the phone to ring and let me know whether I can egg share, but writing these short posts makes me feel like I'm doing something.

    I'm feeling a bit rubbish today, getting very low, painful stomach pains which woke me up this morning. AF is due tomorrow, and she's clearly decided to make this one as horrible as possible! Luckily I'm working from home today so I can work on the sofa, with my laptop and hide away from society.

    Even though I know the chances of a natural BFP are very slim, every month I always hope, symptom spot and dream. It's funny how I can be worryingly realistic about ICSI and yet totally delusional about it happening naturally!

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    A little rant about GP receptionists
    « Reply #7 on: 6/01/16, 13:51 »

    <rant>

    My clinic haven't asked me about smear tests, but I haven't had one done in a few years so I thought I'd try and pre-empt it and be proactive. I've rung my GP three times over the past month asking to be booked in for a test, each time to be told that I can't. Because:

    1. The waiting list is full.
    2. The nurse is on holiday.
    3. The nurse is back from holiday, but hasn't opened up the diary for appointments yet.

    I mean... come on! There is a national crisis where women aren't being diagnosed early enough, when a woman approaches you for a smear test - take the bloody details there and then and get an appointment in the diary, even if it's months from now!

    We put things off, we get distracted, we think 'it won't happen to me.' For the hundredth time this year I've realised that no-one is looking out for me or being proactive about my health - it's purely down to me to keep pushing and keep asking for the care I deserve.

    <rant/>

     

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    Active CMV
    « Reply #8 on: 11/01/16, 12:21 »
    Finally had a call from a consultant at my clinic and was told that the test results show that I currently have CMV. They said it won't stop me from egg sharing in the long-term, but in the short term I can't do it.

    They want to wait until all the rest of my results are back, then re-do the CMV test to see if it is still active in my system.

    Trying to stay as healthy and positive as possible, take my vitamins and not worry.

     ^reiki^

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    Progress!
    « Reply #9 on: 20/01/16, 16:24 »
    Finally had the call I've been waiting for, all the rest of my egg sharing results have come back all clear! I've booked an appointment to re-do my CMV test and fingers crossed that will be out of my system by now.

    Once I get the all clear on that final test I can officially be on the egg sharing list and wait to be matched to a recipient.

    Praying for an all clear now  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^