* Author Topic: ICSI 1, BFN with 1 frostie. ICSI 2, BFN. FET, BFN. ICSI 3 - BFP! Twins!  (Read 29759 times)

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Offline Cowshedbythesea

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Nothing exciting happening yet. I had a scan to check my lining was thin, it was all as it should be and, for once, Iím cyst free. :)

Got another scan Saturday, Iím doing lots of travelling for work next week so the clinic have kindly delayed transfer for a week for me. I could have fitted in in, but it would have meant having the transfer, then taking four flights within five days. This way I can have the transfer and then chill out completely over Christmas.

This will be my first alcohol free Christmas in my adult life, but if this works, next Christmas Iíll be holding my three month old baby in my arms.

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    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    Today was transfer day. The frostie defrosted beautifully and had already begun hatching before being transferred.

    Iíve spent the day doing some Christmas wrapping and packing my suitcase ready for the journey home tomorrow.

    The plan is to stay chilled and enjoy the break. No obsessive Googling, no symptom tracking, Iím just going to enjoy myself, look after myself and keep my fingers crossed.

    x

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    3.45am and I canít sleep so I thought Iíd update.

    Still feeling really chilled and am really glad to be home. Husband has been on his own for a while and it was a bit of a shock as to how messy heíd left the house. Been very slowly working my way through and cleaning everything.

    Apart from some food shopping, Iím 100% done for Christmas. Itís a lovely feeling, Iím normally rushing around like a loony!

    Hubby has been amazing (apart from the mess!). He wonít let me lift anything and is really looking after me. Heís always affectionate, but heís cuddling me and holding my hand even more than normal. Itís lovely and makes me feel really cherished :)

    I read online that implantation will be happening around now, tempted to have a lazy Netflix day today and give my little invader the best chance possible.

    x

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    7.30am (French time) on Christmas morning, Merry Christmas to you all. Iím wide awake and dying to get Christmas festivities going, but hubby is soundly sleeping next to me.

    At the last minute we had a few friends over last night, I thought Iíd be really grumpy not drinking but it was absolutely fine. I had a few non-alcoholic beers which I poured into a glass so no-one questioned why I wasnít drinking, plus it was really funny to be secretly sober and listen to everyone.

    Got a bottle of non-alcoholic fizz for Christmas dinner today, the only thing Iíll miss out on is half the cheese board!

    If our last ICSI had worked, the baby would be due today. Trying not to dwell on what never was, but itís on my mind. Just keeping faith that this little invader is snuggling in safely. Iím 7dp5dt today, we test on NYE.

    x

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    10dp5dt

    Iíve been so up and down today, feeling snappy and super ratty. Also had a couple of tears and stupid, non-cry worthy things.

    Please be early pregnancy symptoms, not AF arriving. Please, please, please.

    x

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    12dp5dt.

    Tomorrow is OTD but weíve decided to test today. Our clinic do very long test waiting times, plus all the diaries/forums I read on here, I donít see anyone waiting past 9 days!

    Hubby made me promise not to test in the middle of the night without him, so instead Iím lying in bed, wide awake, waiting for morning.

    Please be there little one.

    x

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    BFN. Again.

    I feel numb. Disbelieving. I really thought this was my time.

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    13dp5dt, OTD, BFN again. Stopping all meds as of today.

    Yesterday I experienced such a range of emotions, whereas I started off numb it very quickly changed to anger. Extreme anger. It took all my self-control not to scream out loud and lasted a few hours.

    When Iíd finishing sobbing angry tears, I then went into complete denial (another few hours), before entering my final emotional state of the day, which Iíll call Ďsilently crying zombie.í

    Today I need to do the second worst bit of this journey (the first is telling my husband that Iím not pregnant), telling my Mum.

    No idea whatís next, I think I need time to grieve for this pregnancy that never was. Iím too emotional right now to be rational about anything.

    x

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    Happy New Year.

    I went over to friends last night and got pretty merry. It didnít take much to do as Iíve barely drunk in months. I stayed out till 3.30am which is very unlike me!

    At the moment, I feel like Iím acting all the time. Acting happy. Acting sociable. Acting functional. Honestly, I just want to lie in bed and quietly cry until I donít feel so empty all the time.

    Please 2018, let this be the year we get a baby. Please.


    x

    Offline Cowshedbythesea

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    I'm back to work. Back to being away from my husband. Back to spending time on my own.

    I'm miserable, there's no other way to see it. I think I'm losing hope. What's the endpoint? How many more times do we do this? Not having a baby isn't an option, but how do I achieve this?

    I hate this feeling. I hate the crying. I know I'm grieving for something that never was, I just need to come out the other side now.

    x