* Author Topic: TTC Sibling... can we get lucky again?  (Read 22118 times)

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Offline ricks3

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TTC Sibling... can we get lucky again?
« Reply #30 on: 23/11/16, 14:17 »
OK.... so the transfer is going to be at 3 p.m. The embryologist said that embryos don't like being re-frozen so we'll discuss tomorrow when they see how well they survive the defrost - DH still only wants 1 putting back and really fed up that the last clinic froze them as pairs... I am to drink 2 glasses of water 30 mins before the transfer. They will call 12noon / 1 p.m. to let me know how they have thawed. Scary.

So the plan for the day is -

08:00 nursery run - arrive 08:30,
- DH drops me at the station and goes to wfh while I go up to London for
10:30 Intralipids at Independent Nursing
13:00 lunch
13:30 collect prontogest from Dr G
13:45 pre transfer acupuncture at London Acupuncture Clinic Wimpole St - should be complete by 14:15
- DH collects me and drives to Lister
FET 15:00 - should be complete 15:45....
-DH drives me to LAC Chiswick branch for post transfer acu - arriving after 16:00,
- DH leaves me there and goes to collect prescription from Asda and DD from nursery
- DH and DD come back to Chiswick and collect me and take me home

What a day!

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    Offline ricks3

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    TTC Sibling... can we get lucky again?
    « Reply #31 on: 25/11/16, 16:05 »
    So it is all done – was a mammoth day and not the relaxing experience I had hoped for.

    We dropped DD to nursery and then drove up to the Lister leaving the car in Battersea Park car park – the plan being that DH could use it to drive me from the Lister to post transfer acupuncture in Chiswick later in the day.

    We then got the 137 bus over the bridge to Oxford Street and walked up to Independent Nursing for Intralipids at 10:30. So far so good. When that was done we went to  Dr Gorgy to collect the prontogest injections – another £125.  Then we went to lunch. Ther Lister had told me someone would phone to let me know how the embryos had thawed around 12 noon / 13:00. I sat in the restaurant watching the phone, waiting for it to ring and it didn’t….

    We set off for pre-transfer acupuncture at the London Acupuncture Clinic on Wimpole St arriving at 13:30 – the Lister had still not rung…. My session was at 13:45. I tried to call in but only got ansafone so in the end left my phone with DH and went into my pre session not knowing what was going on. The acupuncturist said this does sometimes happen and that no news is often good news so I tried to relax as best I could.

    When I came out at 14.15 we had still not had a phone call so got a cab to the Lister just hoping it was all OK. I don’t think they realise how stressful it is for us waiting for that call. We arrived at 14:45 – 15 mins early and reception apologised that no one had called, said they were incredibly busy and were running at least and hour late. I’d hear about the frosties when I went in for the transfer and there 3 couples in front of us waiting to go in.

    This was just rotten luck – at least an hour late meant that we were not going to be going in until gone 16:00 and DH had to get back to nursery in Sunbury to collect DD before they closed. He was not going to be able to stay with me for the transfer. In addition I’d have to get a cab over to Chiswick for the post transfer acupuncture. Not ideal at all. So DH left me and went to get the car - £25 parking – and set of for nursery. I then phoned the acupuncture place to let them know of the delay and fortunately they said they could work with that and wait.

    In the end I went in at 16:20. It was the same lovely nurse who did my ERA and same DR so I felt in good hands.

    I told them I didn’t know what had happened to my frosties so they let me have a word with the embryologist who said that only 1 of the pair had survived.  :( so no need to try to re-frost. The surviving one was a 3bb when frozen, had defrosted 100% and was still a 3bb. They showed it to me on the screen and gave me a photo of it to take hone for DH. Very strange to have a pic of a cell ..

    Anyway, I had a really full bladder from sitting in the waiting room drinking water for 1.5 hours – almost too full – she said did I want to empty some but I didn’t trust being able to stop and thought it would all gush out so said I would manage. And they did the transfer. Unlike my last clinic they use ultrasound so I was able to see the bright white blob which was the embryo and fluid on the screen. All over in about 10 minutes. And relatively pain free – thanks I am sure to the acu.

    I then got a cab with a very chatty cabbie who did the unthinkable and asked what I had gone into the hospital for so I created a bad back and said physio as I really didn’t want to explain. Cab was another £30.

    Post transfer acu was lovely – the first time I really relaxed all day. DH and DD then arrived in the car to take me home but there was a big smash on the M4 and we ended up taking nearly 2 hours to get home. I was starving. DD fell asleep in the car which was OK for the journey but when she then awoke at home she was over tired and had a full on tantrum screaming the crying for nearly an hour and I just had to sit on the bedroom floor with her and wait until she calmed down. DH meanwhile has had a client from hell who despite being told he was unavailable all day has kept sending amends through and DH gets very stressed on the journey home (he is self employed) and announces that he has to do a load of work when we get in. So then he disappears to the office, I am left with a screaming 3 year old and once I have calmed her down I also get to cook dinner which we eat at 20:45 before we all collapse into bed at 21:30.

    I felt really let down and on a day I should have come first I felt I didn’t. I know clients and work deadlines are important- especially when you are self employed – but he had told them he was taking the day off. I didn’t feel looked after. And I didn’t feel his attention was on what it should have been yesterday.

    Anyway, thank god DD slept and this morning DH let me lie in and rest and he’s being trying to make up for things all day. I am allowed to do normal thing just not lift anything heavy – that includes DD which is the hardest thing.

    This morning DH administered my first prontogest injection into my bum – it was actually not as bad as I had been led to believe – just stang when I moved for a couple of hours afterwards.

    I now have  carrier bags of meds – clexane jabs take up a lot of room.

    And I am officially PUPO. Wow. Unreal. The acupuncturist said I should be excited as I’ve got a really good chance of being pregnant – bless him but he doesn’t really get it – having had 4 failures  I just can’t get excited anymore. I daren’t even let my mind wander to live the fantasy of seeing those 2 lines come up on the test even for a second as I just can’t bear to have that dream snatched away again so just not even letting those possible, earth changing pleasureable thoughts in. I can’t bear to go there as I can’t bear for it not to work. Easier to prepare myself for it not to work – again. And as we’ve  now gone through 2 more frosties the ones  we have left are not very good quality and I just think it is probably the end of the road for us. It needs to work this time. Please please let it work this time.

    I am walking around carefully, totally over aware of my body and any small twinges etc. Trying not to analyse. Is the blast still with us? Has it already passed? Is it implanting? The consequences of what happens now is life changing and we either face devastation or elation – it’s all very epic – and I find that now I am carrying the blast those fears of how we’d cope again with a pregnancy have just disappeared – all I want is for this to work.

    So hoping, praying, taking the meds and trying not to go mad.

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #32 on: 30/11/16, 15:52 »
    So here I am 6dp5dt. Going insane wondering.

    I have had days when I have felt competely depressed - certain it has not worked. I have had days when I am a little more philosophical about things. I am frigtened to hope and yet cling on to that glimmer of it. Could this be the happiest Christmas ever... the thing is - I have no symptoms. With DD I had twinges in my  uterus at the side that were powerful enough to wake me up. I also felt very aware of my womb and about to start my period - I dreaded seeeing blood every time I went to the loo... and my nipples became dark and lumpy.

    This time I have nothing - only sore breasts and constipation from the drugs. And although I read of stories from others where they say they had no symptoms and that every pregnancy is different I feel beyond hope as I just don't feel anything. I keep looking and my non-pregnant nipples and trying not to cry. I now have bruises all over my bum and slightly painful to sit from the prontogest jabs, keep jabbing and swallowing tablets and drinkg water and getting DH to lift DD and all for what :( feels depressing and empty.

    I know it is not over until it is over but have a pretty good ideas it will be a bfn on Saturday.

    Feel heart broken, sad and exhausted. I also worry about the quality of the blast - a 3bb which defrosted 100% but had not taken on any more water etc so was it growing or dying?

    This is all such a headf***.

    I can't bear to think of test day. I normally leave the test on the sink in the bathroom and get DH to go and look after the 2 minutes - then he just comes back silent and we just cuddle in bed and feel flat and sad and there is nothing to say. Can't believe we have to go through this again.

    On Sat we went to a nursery bday party at a small play centre - it was a prrivate event and there were 5 large pregnant bumps and 2 newborns. So don't want others to go through this but so hard to be around on Saturday. All DD's friends are getting siblings. I just feel so sad I can't give one to her.

       

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #33 on: 1/12/16, 06:40 »
    Had some minor cramping overnight but nipples still flat and pale and non pregnant this morning. I really do think it is game over for us this time.

    What is hard is that last night DH burst into floods of tears about it all - he's been pretty distant about things and not actively supportive but he said he'd been watching a clip of the Voice on youtube where a sibling was moved to tears in support of his brother and DH thought that's what we're trying to give to DD and what she may not get if we can't get this to work and he realised that this is what he wants more than anything else and says he thinks he's been protecting himself all this time.  It was nice in one sense to hear that he does want this but also hard to witness his tears and upset. It will not just be me that is devastated on OTD when it says BFN. Just feel so sad.

    This is all so hard. Trying to keep it together.

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #34 on: 2/12/16, 17:52 »
    so it is OTD eve. I  have been aware of my womb for the last couple of days but this might just be AF. I have indulged myself a little and allowed myself to imagine I am carrying a little sibling and it has felt so lovely,  I've patted my belly and talked to the baby while lying in bed and walked around feeling special. I know this is dangerous and sets me up for more of a fall to earth tomorrow but punishing myself all of the time has not helped either. If it is +ve I will be over the moon. If it is bfn I will just be so flat and sad. I am out tomorrow evening - had thought about delaying the test result in case it spoils the evening with my best girlfriends who I rarely see together but probably just best to get on with it. If it is a bfn I am to continue taking the drugs and retest on Monday. Nipples still looking normal. Breasts less sore. So confusing.

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #35 on: 3/12/16, 07:09 »
    So the bubble has burst.

    For the 5th time in a row it is a BFN.

    It doesn't matter how long I stare and stare at the test willing a 2nd line to come up I know it is not going to.

    Womb pains must just be oncoming AF.

    I woke at 4 and thought do I test? and instead lay there cradling my belly and talking to my baby just for 2 hours more before it was taken away.

    We have been through so much medical intervention, thousands of pounds and emotional turmoil trying to make this work. I feel flat and sad and heart broken that we are not going to be able to create the family unit I want for DD and for us.

    I was taught that if you work hard and try your hardest and don't complain and keep going you can achieve your dreams. Seems not the case with this.

    I was lying there this morning tying to remember the last time I was trully happy and it was 10 years ago before my Dada got sick.  I thought that if this could just work for us this time I'd really make an effort to get back to the person I once was and be happy, thank god for what we have and enjoy the future. I know I have to try to do that anyway but still bring sadness with me this way.

    I know we have 1 day 6 embie left which I guess we will use in order to get closure on all of this but hope is now rock bottom and expecations are set to fail.

    I have just had my painful prontogest jab and have to take all my meds until Monday as Lister said to re-test then. I am not holding out any hope - it is just a formality - and resenting every jab/pill I have to take for no reason. I'll retest before Monday's Neupogen as they are £53 per jab - can save it for final round.

    I don't know what to do with myself. DD has another nursery bday party so I'll have to face all of the happy festive sibling bumps again. What a different feeling it would have been today if I thought I was part of that group.

    I feel a bit disorienated and not very with it yet. I guess need more time for reality to fully sink in.

    My dream about the baby was so lovely this morning - just so unfair we have to go through all of this.

    Must sign off. Trying to be grateful for what we have.

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #36 on: 3/12/16, 14:05 »
    OK so now the tears are coming. Spent the morning at the bday party with the pregnant bumps. One is due next week ready for xmas, all talk is about siblings and new babies. Felt very lonely and isolated and down. I always thought maybe we were asking too much to be lucky a 2nd time round but then I keep telling myself that other people do it... other people have more then one child and they don't think they are being greedy... they take it as a natural, normal thing to do and their perfect right so why can't we... I am so sad about all the fertility issues we have faced. So sad that one of the greatest joys and most exciting times of anyone's life has been taken away from us. So sad I can't smile at my husband and tell him happy news. So sad that my daughter may never share the wonder of bringing up a sibling and the friendship and companionship for life with that special person. I feel frustrated as doesn't seem to matter what I do I can'd mend this. I work so hard, put up with anything thrown at me but at the end of the day it doesn't make any difference.

    Just taken my midday meds as have to wait until Monday's retest before I stop. Never reasd about anyone getting a bfp on 11dp5dt after getting a negative at 9dp5dt so just going through motions now. Had to go buy a new test - that felt sad too.

    Trying to hold it together. At least I can splatter out my thoughts here. DH is not talking. Neither of us have anything to say.

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #37 on: 5/12/16, 07:06 »
    This mornings retest is a BFN. I stared and stared at the test willing another line to appear but of course it didn't. So that is it. We are out. Again.

    I spent Saturday night with my best girlfriends and was good to talk and cry with them. So sad and of course noone can help but they can listen and say how sorry they are we are going through this.

    Yesterday we had a good day considering - tried to focus on DH and DD and be grateful for the things I have. We bought at Christmas tree and decorated it and then took DD to see Santa on a small steam train - old fashioned :) Still feeling very flat but not going to wallow.

    Today's BFN at least spares me the prontogest jab - although I would willingly have done this every day if necessary, my bottom is sore and will be good to stop that. I'll also save a whole vial of Neupogen which at £53 per shot is worth saving.

    With my immunes being in pretty good shape considering where we started it makes sense to crack on with what will be our last round as soon as possible so I don't have to top up with any more LIT etc at £850 a go.

    Today I have to phone Dr G and the Lister and tell them the bad news. I can then make a plan for starting the last cycle. If the Day 6 defrosts OK then that is our very last hope. Not a great hope but a small hope anyway and we have to see this through now.

    I also have to pay the FET invoice - everything is now on credit card as funds are all out so a bit scary but can't be helped.

    Feel flat and sad but getting on with things so far.

    Am going to run a very hot bath and tonight going to have a glass of wine.   

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #38 on: 6/12/16, 12:11 »
    So the phone calls are made. Everyone said they were very sorry it had not worked. Hard having people feel sorry for us.

    Still no AF - still sometimes imagine there's still a baby in there but know I am deluded.

    Have now stopped all drugs except Levothyroxine and Hydroxychloroquine.

    Trying to come to terms with the fact that there probably isn't going to be a baby.  All the dreams of the last years will probably come to nothing. I will probably never have another baby. I have to try to force myself to face this fact. Our odds of success on the last round are slim and I have to try to manage my expectations. Trying to be prosaic and practical today.

    At the same time - a slim hope is a chance and we need to seize this.

    I will await day 1 of AF. I will then start taking the pill which I can take for up to 42 days. On day 1 I will call the Lister and book in for a pill scan for when they open after Xmas after Jan 4th. If the lining is all OK we will go ahead with the last cycle in Jan. Pray god the embryo at least defrosts. Pray every day that this last miracle can happen for us.

    I will need to order a prescription new set of the pill when I call in on day 1as I only have 21 of them and that won't be enough to get me to Jan. I'll also need to call Dr G to get another prescription for Levothyroxine and Hydroxychloroquine, let them know the plan, get a prescription for Neupogen so I can order this in advance and ask about any possible top up intralipids I should be having. There is no point doing any more retests now. Just full steam ahead to game over.

    I am going to book some counselling. I think I have not even started to deal with this yet and might need quite a bit of help.

    Trying to focus on what we have and  I WILL find some positivity to take us into this last round from somewhere.

    Offline ricks3

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    « Reply #39 on: 7/12/16, 10:20 »
    OK - so have had some very strong words with myself and need a change in energy for this last cycle. I have to find some positivity, some hope, some belief. It is hard as we've been hurt so much but we have to fight for this last chance and I need to try to believe it can happen.

    An athlete does not set off to lose the race. He sets off to win and deals with the disappointment later if things don't go to plan. I have to get the mind set that this can work. We have a chance. A last chance but a chance none the less.

    Having this sibling for my DD and DH and for me is worth fighting for.

    I actually feel pretty good in myself physically - (AF still has not shown up yet and the slight dream that it is a BFP after all still lingers!) - I am going to get back on to the diet and drinking water and looking after myself. I am going to book in acupuncture sessions and do relaxation. Get myself in as best a place as I can. I am already immunes wise in a better place than last year so maybe last time was just the wrong embie.

    I spoke to works counselling service yesterday and have been offered 8 weeks counselling which will hopefully help me maintain and positive attitude throughout the period and be there to help with the results.

    I used to be a very positive person but then when my dada got sick I lost that. Throughout his illness I was positive and hopeful but to no avail - I started to think fairy tales didn't happen, wishes did not come true and there was no point being positive as it didn't help. Well maybe it is time to get a little faith back. Being realistic and cautious sure hasn't helped me so this is going to be a huge last push of positivity.

    If I can visualise it happeing to me - maybe I can make it come true.