So here it is ladies and includes those links Godiva. Since I can't attach the photo it started with "WE ARE... and was picture of my bump with the word PREGNANT spelled out in my needles on the floor:
What is that I spelled the word PREGNANT with you ask? Oh that's just a very very very small portion of the hundreds of needles it took to get here.
In October 2014 we had just put an offer on our first house. Later that day we got the devastating news that Jonny has the rarest and hardest to treat Male Infertility diagnosis, Non-Obstructive Azoospermia. Yes it's a mouthful. Only about 1% of the worlds population are faced with this unfortunate condition. In our case it means that for an unknown reason he does not produce sperm, likely never has and most certainly never will. We cried till our eyes hurt and then we got a dog instead of a house since we would need our down payment if we were to start a family.
After some time had passed and a few tears had dried we decided to purse all we could physically and financially to try and beat this diagnosis. We dived head first into the world of infertility treatments. I wish I could say that once we got started things got better, but they did not, they got worse, much worse. Our first hurdle was retrieving sperm from Jonny in an operation where they take a knife and open up his testicles to look for sperm. It was successful and we thought we had the biggest hurdle out of the way. They found 23 sperm. Yup 2-3. A fertile man has over 20 million.
Sadly however over the course of 8 months the 3 embryos that were to become our biological baby each failed to implant in my uterus. It was blow after blow after blow. This past fall we finally decided to shut the door on a biological baby and turn to the use of donor sperm. We just couldn't risk even more disappointment. This was not a decision we take lightly. We believe it is a huge responsibility to raise a donor conceived child and knew from the start we would always be open and honest with our child about their origins. I could never keep such a secret from them and so we knew those we loved should know too so there are no surprises or gossip. Love is what makes a family, not genes. And that we have boat loads of.
All in all it has taken hundreds of needles, over 50 doctors visits, countless vials of blood, 2 IVF rounds, 3 canceled rounds, 3 failed frozen embryo transfers, 1 fresh embryo transfer, thousands of tears, over $40,000, treatment of one bacterial infection, one testicular surgery, 26 eggs from my body, lots of puppy cuddles, one vial of donor sperm, 1 amazing fertility doctor, 2 embryology labs, 1 great urologist and the kind of strength I was just about out of. But we are the lucky ones. Even now while pregnant at almost 16 weeks, with a sub chorionic hematoma, a high risk pregnancy, an ER visit with diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage, we are still so lucky. So many others will not be. And this is why I share our story this week on that of National Infertility Awareness Week when their theme is #startasking.
During our struggles social media to me was a landmine of baby photos, pregnancy announcements, discussions of parenting... constant reminders of what I didn't and may never have. Most friends tho well intentioned would say things that made me feel worse rather than encouraged or supported. They would complain about their pregnancies, they would ask us if we'd adopt, they'd say it will work out when they never had a crystal ball to know if it will, they would reference some so in so who did this or that as if I hadn't spent every waking moment staying up to date on every treatment I could, they would be so blindly ignorant to what the process really entailed when all it took was a half hour on google. Their attempts at being helpful often felt more like slaps in the face. It's one of the reasons so many infertiles stay in the closet rather than be open about their struggles, talking about it makes it worse because so few people know the right thing to say, and usually that's just an "I'm sorry".
I am asking all of you for a favor, to help others who may be suffering silently around you. Please read over this infertility etiquette. I can't express in words how hard infertility truly is. Even being pregnant, even having children eventually, the scars of infertility will still be there. I will never be the same person nor will I ever relate to fertiles in the same way. Infertility has become something that many of us suffer in the dark like drug addicts rather than other people inflicted with a health crisis. A diagnosis that goes untreated because our insurance will cover abortions and vasectomies but not IVF. It has been proven by researchers that those afflicted with Infertility suffer worse or similar depression than those that have terminal illnesses like cancer, I know it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with and I mean the absolute hardest. Why don't more infertiles speak up so that we can be in this together? I do not know why others don't but I know that from now on I always will. Read over the link below and educate yourself. It's time we put an end to the question "So are you trying for kids yet?" And so many more questions and comments that may be sending the people we love into even darker places. You can never understand what people like me have gone thru but you can help. You can become infertility aware.
http://www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/The-psychological-impact-of-infertility-and-its-treatmentThank you for your patience in reading this, your support and your love. We are so grateful to have been able to even take this journey. We are the few that could afford it financially, mentally and physically. Please spread the word. Let people know you are infertility aware and maybe we can make a difference to help get care for the 1 in 8 couples who will face this in the same way all other health issues are covered by insurance. Lets help others come out of the shadows because suffering alone sucks.
If you know or are someone battling with infertility please know you are not alone and I will always be a phone, text or email away to listen.
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