* Author Topic: Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child  (Read 12505 times)

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Offline HopefulKayte

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Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
« Reply #50 on: 15/08/17, 01:39 »
Thanks Lilly, you are kind. I have to admit it's hard for me to come to terms that people don't care, or that they are too selfish to make time or energy beyond their own lives. I know everybody has their stresses and are busy, but it just hurts extra bc DH and I always try to be there for people no matter what is going on in our lives, and we've had a lot. Maybe the women here are a special collection of people due to how our heartstrings have been pulled and knowing what loneliness and despair feels like, and the silent struggle.

TM88, I'm sorry for your losses and how impossible it can seem to find a solution, especially when money is a factor. It is for us, too. It sounds to me like both you and your husband still long for a child, so I would take the path of least regret. Doing an OE IVF at 45, it would be very unlikely to become pregnant, but I would talk to your RE as every person is unique. Similar diagrams on this page (if you scroll down) were shown to me when I was struggling to deal with my egg quality (which was never good even in my early 30s.) http://www.advancedfertility.com/eggquantityquality.htm It shows how hard the search can be for that golden egg as we age. It sucks!

Would you welcome and love a child that wasn't of your OE? (It's OK if the answer is no or you're not ready to go there, that was me too for awhile, just asking.) I'm at the point after 5 failed IVF cycles trying for a sibling, that I just want my son to have a sibling and I would feel lucky for a DE cycle to work now seeing my history of miscarriage and BFNs since I was able to have my son (we also struggled with primary infertility.)

We put our names on lists for donated embryos, but those waits in Canada are years long, and we realized that doing a DE cycle in the Czech Republic was 1/4 the cost of a DE cycle here, even with our international travel, as well as private adoption here were that to work out, which is also a very lengthy wait. So that is our path, we're personally just at the point where the writing is on the wall with my OE and we don't want to waste any more time, we just want to expand our family and we know our little boy would love any baby that dropped out of the sky tomorrow, so that has helped us think about things from another perspective too.

Anyway, this is just where we're at, I understand every journey and thought process is unique. I too hope you have another miracle too and sending you strength!

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    Offline joannajoanna

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #51 on: 6/10/17, 12:51 »
    I've been away from this group for a long time, but I wanted to come in and say: Yes. I have accepted that I will have only one child, and made my peace with it.

    Do I feel sad? Yes, sometimes. But I'm ok with it. It no longer causes me pain.

    My son is rising 7, and only now am I ready to release the frosties we still have, and donate them for research. We logically decided some time ago not to keep trying just because we had them. The hormonal effects of our last round were almost unbearable, and we decided at that point it was enough. But emotionally it has been longer.

    I have focused on the things we are able to do because we have just one. We've had more adventures - we went abroad to live for a few months, which would have been way more complicated as a larger family. He and I go on adventures together - this summer the two of us went on a grand tour seeing friends and house-sitting for other friends. Again, I don't think it would have been nearly as likely with a second one.

    I try to focus on having a very fun, healthy relationship with him. I don't want it to be all-consuming, by any means, but I really try to give him quality, one-to-one experiences.

    And then we try to do lots of play-dates - and again, I see how much more flexible we can be having just the one, than some of my friends with two. We've been lucky in that the family of his best friend love having him around, and he has as much of a sibling relationship with his friend's younger sister as I think I could hope for with friends.

    My grief at only one was, I think, particularly pronounced on his behalf - about being alone (his cousins are all older), about not having nephews or nieces or all those other relationships. But I've also accepted that, and am encouraging him to develop activities and interests that will allow him to build his own strong communities as he gets older.


    I have taken small steps. The decision to have a Mirena birth control fitted was a big one, because it ruled out natural pregnancy, no matter how unlikely that was. I did it to control bad bleeding, and it was the right decision. But I delayed for a long time.

    For me the grief at not having a second was definitely greater than not being able to have a first - something that I don't think is talked about or acknowledged enough. But I have moved on, and am honestly able to be truly, deeply grateful for my son without trying to dream of an alternative future. I've never seen my family with one as in any way 'inadequate', but that's a different thing.

    I know it's hard to believe ever making peace with it. But my experience is that it is possible - a mixture of time, conscious work (particularly conscious gratitude and deliberately doing things that one makes possible), and a gradual acceptance.


    We are about to call the clinic and release the embryos. I know it's right, and I hope that they make a tiny contribution to science, though the thought does still make me weep a little. I think we will also plant a tree, or something like that, but maybe in a forest we will never know about, so it's not a 'thing' that we cling to.

    Love to all of you going through this. xxx


    Offline mo89

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #52 on: 7/10/17, 10:28 »
    Hi. I think I replied a while back. But just wanted to say, I know I will only have the one and completely fine with it. I was an only child and never wished for brothers and sisters. Always had lots of friends and cousins and 'cousins' (mum and dads close friends kids). I loved it. I think the journey I have come I am just soo happy to be even having my own baby so the thought of two does not bother me. I know everyone is different. I think I feel more like this because I am having a girl and always wanted a girl I could have a relationship like I have with my mum. I dont know. I know it is hard, I did initially want 3 children. But just so happy to be having one. I think de is a personally choice and If you are happy with it then go for it!! I also think if you are solely doing it just because you want your child to have a sibling please dont stress, some people are happy being an only! More attention from mummy and daddy 😁 good luck everyobe whatever you decide to do 💗

    Offline lollipops

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #53 on: 9/10/17, 20:28 »
    Hello,
    Wow this was an emotional thread to read through, huge huge hugs to all of you ladies  ^hugme^ Gosh I can empathise and sympathise with most of you in some sort of way.
    We are extremely fortunate to have our DD who is now 5 ( how did that happen) and getting her here was a struggle and took years.
    After she was born we vowed to be happy with our lot, to not go through any form of treatment again, and for a long time that was the case. Our daughter seemed to enter the world in a fit of fury and was by no means an easy baby! She was force to be reckoned with as an under 1 , literally didn't eat properly, never slept and pretty much cried and screamed none stop  ^evil^
    She was a much more contented and happy toddler but even then we felt she was more than enough. She's now an amazingly unique and clever little school girl,who has confidence beyond her years and the ability to build friendships wherever she goes. Socially she's always been fantastic, from as soon as she could string some words together she was making friends. She's very popular and so I don't feel she is lonely.
    However when she isn't surrounded by friends, she says she is lonely. She says she's bored. She says she wants a baby sibling like all her friends , in fact she's a little obsessed by babies, spends hours holding my friends baby, literally transfixed bless her  :)
    It's been a hard decision to try again, we honestly feel like we used up our quota of luck getting our daughter and that we couldn't possibly be as lucky again.
    My AMH is worse than ever, a follicle scan showed 1 on each ovary.
    We've been told basically that by trying again we are just "censored word into the wind" but I feel I owe to my daughter to say we tried, I've explained to her in simple terms that mummy's tummy doesn't work properly and can't make babies like her friends mummy's can. In her 5 year old brain it's just a case of going to doctor and getting the broken tummy fixed, bless her.
    For me it's a case of guilt for not trying again, we toyed with the idea a year ago, even went to the clinic and got all the base line tests redone and when it came to signing the consents we backed out. We went on holiday instead and reminded ourselves how great our life is as the 3 musketeers and it truly is, we love our life, our freedom, how easy things are, how much cheaper things are to do with one child, how close she is to us.......
    All huge massive positives to us and her
    But it's just that 'but what if' isn't it..........
    What if we tried again and it did work and she had a sibling and life was even more special?
    We know it's unlikely to work again, we are giving it 3 goes in total, We will have to close the book if they fail, and move on, and adjust to the idea that our life will always be the three of us. In a way we need the closure. And I need to be able to explain when she's older, that we tried, and we gave it our best shot.


    Whatever path this takes us down, we are blessed. We have one happy , healthy child, that's one more than some of my fellow Fertility Friends on here have, I won't ever take that for granted. But equally w eshouldnt feel guilty for trying for one more, it's a natural urge that for some can't be ignored.


    Love to all




    Offline Lilly08

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #54 on: 23/10/17, 13:20 »
    @TM88 sorry for all you have been through. I agree with cosmopolitan4112008 about tests.
    I can relate to most of what you said. Having an only son, I always wondered what would happen if my husband and I died...I felt guilty before and had to deal with those feelings for quite a long time. However I realized that the best we can do is to give him all the love we have and make him grow up confident, protected and loved. 
    I didn't lose hope of giving him a sibling. I think miracles happen.
    And even If we don't succeed at the end, I know my son will be a happy boy and will grow up to be a strong and confident man.
    xx


    Offline Lilly08

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    « Reply #55 on: 23/10/17, 13:29 »
    Hi. I think I replied a while back. But just wanted to say, I know I will only have the one and completely fine with it. I was an only child and never wished for brothers and sisters. Always had lots of friends and cousins and 'cousins' (mum and dads close friends kids). I loved it. I think the journey I have come I am just soo happy to be even having my own baby so the thought of two does not bother me. I know everyone is different. I think I feel more like this because I am having a girl and always wanted a girl I could have a relationship like I have with my mum. I dont know. I know it is hard, I did initially want 3 children. But just so happy to be having one. I think de is a personally choice and If you are happy with it then go for it!! I also think if you are solely doing it just because you want your child to have a sibling please dont stress, some people are happy being an only! More attention from mummy and daddy 😁 good luck everyobe whatever you decide to do 💗

    Loved this! It made me feel better and I'm sure @TM88 too.
    You are totally right! :)
    And it's great to know it from someone who is an only child. My family is big, everyone has 3 children or more so there are no experiences like yours. Thank you for sharing it!
    Congratulations on your baby girl!


    Offline Sienna77

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #56 on: 23/10/17, 22:14 »
    Hi everyone, itís wonderful to hear the positive stories & that people feel they have been able to move on. As much as Iíve been sitting back & reading the posts, Iíve not felt strong enough to respond. Our DD was a miracle, sheís now nearly 5. Weíve been through 7 further stim cycles & countless other operations & treatments & we were told to give up. That was a year ago & I still canít move on. Iíve recently been put on anti-depressants & maybe Iíll start to be able to get on our lives & try and be happy. Of course Iím so incredibly grateful for our precious girl as I didnít think weíd ever have her. But now I just feel so much guilt for her as she longs for a playmate & I feel Iím letting her down. I think often about whether I should leave my husband to set him free & he could meet someone else & give my daughter some siblings. But then I know that would make my DD sad we werenít together. I donít feel I can win. I know I just need time to grieve for the baby I canít have & the sibling my DD would have. It gives me hope to read your positive stories xx

    Offline Lilly08

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    « Reply #57 on: 24/10/17, 14:34 »
    Hi @Sienna77.. sorry to know you are feeling down. At some point were were told to give up too so I know how that feels. I'm sure your little girl is so happy to have your love and your husband's.
    Children can adapt to everything so I'm sure that not having a sibling won't be a reason for her to be less happy.
    My mother has been on anti depressants... I can imagine how you feel. I'm here if you need to talk..
    Sending you the best vibes x

    Offline mo89

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #58 on: 25/10/17, 19:54 »
    Hi sienna. Remember not everyone wants siblings. Even if they mention it. Im sure I mentioned it as a child, nut sooooo glad I haven't. I cant imagine my life any other way. I literally couldn't be closer to my mum n dad n think if I had siblings our relationship woumd be the same.

    Offline lemongrass

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #59 on: 16/11/17, 13:40 »
    Hello ladies,

    As lollipops has said, this is a really emotional thread and sending you all lots of  ^hugme^.  I just wanted to echo some of lilly's comments about "Children don't perceive things like adults...After a while he will forget about it... World is full of children who never had a brother or a sister and they grow up healthy and happy."  I am one of those children.  I remember asking my mum why I couldn't have a brother or a sister for a bit, and she was quite light-hearted about it ("oh, he or she would just break all your toys, and annoy you!")  I moved on pretty quickly.  Even if your child says they are lonely (which understandably makes you feel awful), they probably don't attach as much significance to that as you do as an adult; they don't perceive loneliness in the same way.  And it is unlikely that they are in fact lonely, especially if they regularly see lots of friends and have lots of attention from their parents or other carer.  Also, playing by yourself from time to time is no bad thing - it teaches self-reliance and encourages imagination.  I like to think that it did in my case.  And once kids get to a certain age (7ish onwards?), friends/peers assume so much importance, that he or she is probably not going to spend much time yearning the absence of a sibling.  As I recall, friends' younger siblings were cute, but their contributions usually peremptorily dismissed in games etc(!)  Plus we always made them play the boy or some sort of animal during role play  ;)

    I know not everyone responds to things the same way, but I honestly don't feel like I missed out not having a sibling.  Being an only child is just part of who I am.  So, try not to add guilt about your son / daughter to the equation here.  Yes, their life will be different without a sibling.  But it won't necessarily be worse.

    Lots of love xxx