* Author Topic: Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child  (Read 12496 times)

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Offline HopefulKayte

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Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
« Reply #60 on: 12/12/17, 14:12 »
Just checking in to see if there is anyone currently struggling or wanting to chat about this. Sienna, if you're still reading, how are you doing?

I am really struggling with this. For me, I always dreamed of having a large family, and so did DH. Our have dedicated our careers to working with children. Plus, having battled infertility and lost pregnancies, it makes the longing stronger. I have one child who will be 5 in 2 months, via IVF. We have cycled off and on for about 4 years trying for a sibling. This includes a totally botched donor egg cycle, and then an early miscarriage from a donor cycle overseas this past week. I am so devastated. Our families and friends don't relate and don't seem to want to, so our whole marriage of IF has had extra challenges and loneliness. The donor pursuits we kept to ourselves.

I don't feel like I'm getting better or feeling okay about just accepting it. While it may be easier for some that only wanted one or enjoyed being an only child themselves, that's just not our experience or dreams. We especially feel the pressure and loneliness because we don't have strong family units, DS has asked for a sibling for 3 years, and none of his friends are onlies. I find it hard to get together with others and their children with my son, as I feel sad watching him play with their between 2-4 children, including babies, as he's always loved babies and is so compassionate and loving with them. I don't feel anyone reaches out to me, in person or via text, etc., even those who know we've lost babies. And I don't feel settled in social situations due to this, and also, never knowing what my son will say or do. I'm stuck between wanting him to socialize and have these experiences, and wanting to do what feels comfortable, safe and not on the verge of tears.

I guess I have felt I can't be in control of other people, our family, their behavior, support, and so on, but I can be in control of these things myself and trying to have a loving family of my own, and someone there for DS now and in the future. I know I am blessed and we are already a family, but I still feel such huge loss and loneliness.
 

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    Offline lollipops

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #61 on: 12/12/17, 14:45 »
    Hey hopeful Kate,




    Just wanted to send some hugs, sounds like your really feeling a bit lost in it all and I'm sorry for that ^hugme^


    I can relate on some levels as I have a 5 year old daughter who's asked for a sibling since she was 3. Like your child, she's very good natured with babies, very aware she's an only child (thanks to starting school last year) and it does pull on our guilt ridden strings.


    However, I do see the perks massively to having an only child and in many respects me and my DH enjoy the ease of it. All of my friends have more than one child now and I often feel a little sorry for them when we meet up as my daughters so independent and no bother and they seem harassed by their babies and toddlers and often joke with me how they should have stuck with just the one  ::) ^bigbad^ 


    But I can and do relate to what they are saying.


    I sit firmly on the fence with regards to the perks of siblings Vs being an only child.


    That said we are now having our first go at trying for a sibling for her, up until this summer we always said we wouldn't bother, didn't want to spoil our time with our daughter with treatment and that because we have such low odds of success it's better off leaving the door closed.


    For us I would say it's DD starting school and becoming more aware of families and how they are all different (this months cornerstone project at school has been about families so it's really kicked up a notch,,!!) the other day it was a "bring a sibling to school morning" which seemed to be unfair in my daughters eyes. I've always been honest with her, told her doctors had to help put her in my tummy, how my tummy doesn't work well and can't make babies like some mummy's tummy so can....etc etc


    But she's 5 and life is simple 'just go to hospital and get a baby from the mummy'  ;D  bless. She's also completely wrong about how life would be with a new baby in it and should one come along we realise that in many ways it will be hard for her (at least at first)




    So we are cautiously embarking on a cycle of IVF, but we've come to terms with the fact that we will give it up to 3 goes of IVF before closing the door firmly shut and moving forward knowing we at least tried.


    See that's what's always been hard for me, I've spent so long wanting a baby and on our 4th go it worked, a rocky pregnancy and utter relief when she was born safe and well. I found the whole experience nerve wrecking, I suffered greatly with anxiety all throughout my pregnancy, I didn't allow myself to enjoy it for a second. I look back and feel sad that it was so tainted. But I couldn't face telling my daughter In years to come that I was too scared to try again to give her a sibling, for us it's a case of being able to tell her we did try, and if it doesn't work hoping that's enough for her.




    It's not easy to brave embarking on more treatment especially if it's not working / you've had losses. It takes enormous strength to continue onwards.


    I am with you on no one truly "getting it". The notion of "well you've got one so be happy with that" is pretty common I'm afraid. I had one person tell me to "not waste anymore money on something that isn't meant to be"


    People think they mean well but it doesn't always come across that way to is does it.


    You sound like you have such longing for more children. I have to admit, I'm far more relaxed about this IVF lark this time round, I wasted so much energy on my other cycles getting into an emotional state that I just cannot allow myself to get like that again.


    For us we have what we wanted, a healthy baby, she's a great kid and we love her dearly, if we are to blessed with another we see it as a huge bonus . We are very happy as a family of three in lots of ways. And I have to remind myself of that so as to cope better with the emotional drain of IVF .


    Anyway, regardless of how different or similar couple are when it comes to choosing to try again or not, we all have the same underlying feelings in common, we want our version of happiness and it's unfair that for some of us it comes with such a huge battle. I'm sending you love and understanding hugs  ^hugme^

    Offline HopefulKayte

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    « Reply #62 on: 12/12/17, 18:06 »
    Lollipop, thanks so much for reading and taking the time to respond so beautifully. On such a lonely day filled with tears and appointments as we grieve this loss, it has been a beacon of support for me.

    I want to wish you luck in your upcoming cycle. I admire your attitude and am sorry for the difficulties before having your daughter and in her pregnancy. You are brave and also seem to have framed the situation in a way to preserve health. (Although once we go ahead, it isnít always so easy I have found, but I can admit I have taken this all really hard, and may have to do with coming to terms with my own childhood of longing and the attitudes of others around us towards our journey as they procreate no problem. Life isnít fair and I am trying to reconcile it but canít seem to get there.) I hope your sense of peace stays with you and I have my fingers crossed for you!

    I also have to say as a teacher that I am shocked by the concept of ďbring a sibling to school dayĒ. Long ago we did away with specific events and invitations for mothers and fathers, as they are only inclusive and unpainful for those who fit into that picture, and itís unfair for those who donít or who have a different type of family or living situation, to live through them. The same with siblings. Whether families happily have one child, or whether they canít have more or siblings have been lost, that concept seems inappropriate to me and isolating for those who donít have a sibling. I know I can especially relate to this topic, but I would have contacted my childís school if such a day was made an example of. Again you handled it more gracefully than I would have!

    All the time, my son is surrounded by the reality of siblings, babies and so forth. This is simply life and reality. So I try to find examples of families like ours in books, on TV and such, but again it is hard to find. It has been hard for me to find people who had primary infertility, succeeded in having a child, and wanted a second but couldnít have one. I was in an IF support group as I tried to have my son. We supported one another as we thankfully became pregnant and they have now all had more children. I was connected with two local women who had their child through donor eggs, they had been through so much. We all went for a second child at the same time (as teachers, the same month in the summer.) We all became pregnant, I lost the baby and theirs made it. Iím so happy for them, but so sad for myself. I also felt them distance from me, and me them, as they needed to focus on their own pregnancies and separate from my trauma. It works for them, but further devastated me. When I see their babiesí pictures, Iím reminded of how old mine could have been.

    I have spoken to a fertility counsellor in the past and think itís time to be in touch again. To be honest, the only thing helping me look ahead is thinking of trying again.

    Thank you for reaching out.

    Offline lollipops

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    « Reply #63 on: 12/12/17, 20:22 »
    Hopefulkayt - I'm currently on my 2ww now as we speak  :o  OTD xmas day  ::) :-\ 


    Yes your so right, the sibling day wasn't the greatest idea school have ever had  ^bigbad^ and like you say it's hard to find similar one child families to use as comparisons for our little ones. I say all the usual things like "you'll have to share everything if you had a brother or sister, I wouldn't have as much time for you etc etc" but it's all a bit weak and far fetched and in my daughters eyes she wants to share her toys and have someone to play with.


    I totally get you needing to distance yourself from your friends who cycled at the same as you. You have to protect your own mental wellbeing especially given your loss  ^hugme^ ^eyes^  that must have been so very tough for you to go through. Naturally their baby pictures are going to hit a very raw nerve of what should have been  ^hugme^  I'm so sorry for your loss  ^hugme^


    Councilling is a great tool, I have found it a good outlet during hard times. We must do what we have to do to get through the pain  ^hugme^
    What do you feel could be your next step? Time out? Try again? It's not easy at all......what makes it all the more frustrating is knowing your body has done it once, so why not again? I've got a terrible ovarian reserve, we only managed 4 eggs this cycle, only 3 fertilised , one abnormally which left two in the running... Due to my weakening egg quality both were put back on day two. But that's always been our problem, low reserve and egg quality and yet 6 years ago one of my poorest embryos to date resulted in my daughter. Why did such a poor embryo result in a baby yet when I first started IVF many moons ago the top quality embryos didn't work!?


    I find it all very fickle and it's hard to accept the lack of control we have in any of it. That's why this time I've took a massive step back from it and been sure to not let it consume me in such negative ways like it always has done. My anxiety just couldn't handle any more pressure I don't think !


    Anyway , I'm sending you some hugs and well wishes. You've had a tough time trying to grow your family and it's made harder by feeling alone in your own thoughts and feelings  ^hugme^


    Offline Lilly08

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    Has anyone accepted that they will only have one child
    « Reply #64 on: 13/12/17, 16:58 »
    Hi ladies..! How have you been?
    @lemongrass I couldn't agree more. Hope you are fine!
    @lollipops crossing fingers for you! Best of luck!
    @hopefulkayte sorry to know you are feeling down. I thought you were concerned only about your child being an only son. But I see now that it is also your dream of having a bigger family what's causing you this grief. I'm sorry for that. I can relate to it, I always thought I was going to have 5 children :S For me the only way to keep on going was surrogacy. I'm sure there must be a way for you to have the family you always wanted.
    Sending you the best vibes to overcome these sad moments. I'm here if you need to chat.
     ^hugme^ ^hugme^

    Offline HopefulKayte

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    « Reply #65 on: 21/12/17, 14:14 »
    Thank you so much girls xo It means so much to have a little place in the world where I can tell people and now there are some who really understand. It is such a lonely place when no friends or family relate or understand, and you make it so much better.

    It has been a rough week and a half since the m/c. Some days feel a bit better and I focus on my son, then I think about Christmas and his birthday following, it's the 4th year of cycling and this past year donor cycling, where I've wondered if he would have a sibling or at least one growing inside me soon to come.

    Since I didn't do this overseas cycle through a local fertility clinic (I used the clinic overseas and my family doc here), I've spent the past week and a half waiting at general blood labs and at an ultrasound place used by people for many reasons but mainly "regular" pregnant people. I spent two hours one morning waiting for my turn and I watched so many very pregnant women and happy couples come in and out, get their ultrasound pictures, have loud happy conversations... I was the only person on my own, no one knew I was bleeding in the corner and trying to not have a total mental breakdown. The worst was a sibling waiting with her Dad for the mom to come out, then watching her come back out, share the pictures and explain it. I think I've cried so much that for some miraculous reason I was able not to cry until everything was finally done and I got into my car.

    My son started a new music class a couple weeks ago, and the experience started by a dad saying his little boy there was a big brother, the baby had been born that morning. Of course that is joyous news and deserves to be shared. I was pregnant in that moment, and so hopeful, I looked carefully at my son's face and to see his reaction. A week later I was sadly unable to go to music class with what was happening and my husband took him, and when he came home he said, "I'm so glad you didn't go. The new baby was there and sat in the circle the whole class." I asked what our son thought and how he reacted... he loves babies and children smaller than him so much. I was just picturing it all and dissolved into tears.

    I know I will get through this and move forward. It's just overwhelming at times how much grief or loss you can be going through, and no one knows, even knows about this type of life some women live. I can't imagine being like these other women, and I wish I was. I also don't bebrudge them their happy times and news, I just sometimes feel like I'm dying inside to live through life beside them all.

    I took this week off work as well, tapping into my short-term leave, as I would still have a bunch of appointments with long wait times and to take care of myself emotionally when I knew I needed it. I told my closest friend at work what happened (she has 3 kids she loves more than anything) and she is a compassionate person. A week ago she sent me a one-line text saying she was sorry and haven't heard anything since. I told my two teaching aides what happened and that I wouldn't be in; my perspective is they are annoyed and no one understands why I'm not at work. I just feel ashamed and so lonely in this reality. I now have 2 days where I have no appointments and wondered if I should go into work at least to say hi and before the holidays, but to be honest I feel so uncomfortable and perhaps unsupported it's another reason why I'm staying away and wanting a clean start in the New Year.

    I know this message is depressing and right before Christmas, I've been holding it all in but today feeling a little desperate, I just needed a safe place to spill and feel like I wouldn't be judged or treated coldly. When that happens the trauma doubles. I know I have a beautiful boy to focus on and how blessed I am for him, but I still grieve these other losses and the path that led to them, and sometimes feel so alone.

    Thanks for listening.
    xo

    Offline Lilly08

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    « Reply #66 on: 22/12/17, 05:19 »
    @hopefulKayte, I'm so sorry for that! I felt you so much while reading your post!  :'(
    I think it's impossible not to feel sad in those situations.
    Unfortunately people who haven't been through this can't relate. They usually show compassion or some kind of attention once or twice at the beginning. They don't know how long it is this journey.
    I had to face that myself. Some close friends couldn't understand why I was "emotional" so often. Or why I was "overreacting" to some situations. In general people can't stand others' grief for a long time. Unless they experienced it themselves.
    I guess that's why we are all of us here. I find relief and acceptance and a space to let my thoughts and feelings get out. Not to mention your support, ladies.
    I hope you always remember we are here. I will be happy to read you and send you some good vibes.
    You are not alone in this  ^hugme^
    x






    Offline Heidi2

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    « Reply #67 on: 1/01/18, 23:20 »
    Hello Ladies,
    I hope itís ok for me to jump into your thread... I have one DS who is 5. We spent 6years TTC and he was our 6th IVF and my third pregnancy. My husband had cancer at the time and ended up have treatment the cancer leaving him permanently Infertility (not that we were particularly fertile before the cancer!!).

    Anyway we had 6 Frosties from my sons successful cycle and being the eternal optimist I felt strongly if we mirrored the same immune meds we would be successful again. I thought with 6 Frosties Iíd get a coupe of shots at least. We did the FET when
    My son as toddler and to get x2 to ET We had 4 Frosties expire. The cycle was unsuccessful and we have no embryos left and no chance to make more of our own. I was utterly devastated. My hubby however felt great closure after such a long and emotional (and expensive) journey.

    It goes without saying we are utterly grateful for our healthy happy confident little chap. But I still struggle with acceptance. My hubby just says heís thankful for the son he thought heíd never have but I still find it hard to take, it seems that every other family I know have the multiple children they want and I feel cheated. I think itís hard when the one child family is not all that common. My son also adores babies and asks for one to. I explain daddy had cancer so we canít try and grow another baby. I tell him How special he is to us and how wanted and loved he is.

    However trying to spin us a positive vibe on here for us ladies... I have to say I do wonder if heíd like them so much if it was a perminant fixture. As nearly all My other mummy friends spend their whole lives separating sibling fights (and moan like hell about it!) . We have a very peaceful and harmonious existence. My DS shares well and it very sociable. He gets lots of input (something that his friends of multiple siblings donít get that much of). We have lots of play dates and holidays with friends and despite asking now and again for a brother seems much happier than many of his multi sibling friends who whine and cry a lot.

    Iíd love to say Iím fully accepting of our situation but I really am still on route to be there (I hope!!) . But doing much better than a few years back when I was tearful and bitter and used to cross the road to avoid pregnant women and had to cover up my devastation and each of my Mummy friends had baby no 2 and 3. We have great oversea holiday and are easy house guests with just us three so get lots of exciting trips away.

    Every six months or so my DH and I sit down and re discuss donor cycles or adoption but I have lots of worries about the dynamics that it might create (with one biological and one non biological child) in what is a harmonious unit. I worry that I might spoil what is good about our small family. I wish I could just be 100% accepting leaving me free to just enjoy completely what we have. Maybe I will with just a little more time... Or maybe weíll end up persuing another option? Weíre gettkng pretty old now tho (40 &53).

    Meanwhile I focus on the positive we have as a family of 3, and try really hard not to keep dwelling on the negatives (or perceived negatives). This year I donít want to be held back any more about the wishing for what canít be for us.

    Wow lol go rant sorry ladies. But nice to connect to others in similar situations as your so right those who havenít experience infertility just havenít got a clue!!
    Xx

    Offline claire145

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    « Reply #68 on: 12/03/18, 14:26 »
    I just want to thank everyone for sharing their thoughts and feelings on this difficult subject. I am in the same boat, our 3rd FET  since our DS was born almost 3 years ago, having just failed.  During that time I also suffered 2 ectopics from my only spontaneous pregnancies, resulting in the loss of both tubes. They were damaged anyway hence the ectopics.

    I decided when we had our DS, the result of our 4th cycle of IVF, that if we did ever try for another, I wouldn't put myself through another fresh cycle. We had a mixture of 9 embryos and blasts frozen left to use. We now have just 3 blasts left, and trying to come to terms with the fact that my DS will be an only. 

    It's so hard to explain the heartache I feel, grieving for a total of 5 MCs, and 2 failed cycles, the loss of any glimmer of hope of a 'miracle' spontaneous pregnancy and the frustration at how much money we have spent on these cycles, whilst I feel equally lucky to have our DS, having previously had the fear of never knowing the privilege and blessing it is to be a parent.

    I know everyone here has been through the same feelings, and I have little to add, except to say thank you for sharing. For the first time I am feeling ready to begin accepting that our DS will be our only. But what a special only he is. An absolute delight. Sweet, funny, intelligent and loving. How lucky are We?

    Lots of love xxx

    Offline HopefulKayte

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    « Reply #69 on: 14/04/18, 02:41 »
    Heidi and Claire, thank you so much for sharing your stories. It's astounding to read what other women and families have walked through. So much pain, struggle and heartache. My heart goes out to both of you.

    I have to admit, I'm no further along than I was before. This week my son (5) asked when another kid was going to come and live at our house. He also watched a movie with a cute little toddler and said he wished he could be his brother. I don't even have the emotional wherewithal to handle it. I actually leave the room and cry. Either DH says something or we just let our son's comment stand alone and he continues along with whatever he's doing.
     
    I haven't felt able to tell him he might be an only child. We're still trying (now onto donor cycles) but I also don't tell him it might happen.

    We haven't had any real form of support over the past decade, trying to have him and then a sibling (emotional or financial) from our families, who are capable of much more, and this has also deeply impacted me in this journey. A support system, feeling safe and like these struggles are worthy of love and assistance, I have never really felt that way. Our family members are obsessed with their own kids and grandkids, but avoid attempts to help us get through tough times, holidays, losses, etc. And I don't feel capable of facilitating this for them. I feel like this furthers my drive to give him a sibling. If I felt closer right now to siblings and in-laws, then I might feel more willing to ensure he has a very close relationship with cousins than trying so hard to give him his own sibling. But it's so hard when they know how much I hurt and I feel like a ghost around them. And it kills me to watch the years go by and the children added, the photos of his cousins with siblings on their laps and he's still by himself, wondering where his is.

    He's also not as into "typical" boy things and very into nurturing his stuffies, or a realistic bath doll that looks like a baby boy. He even feeds them, bathes them, puts them to bed each night... has for years now. I fear he really is lonely, despite all the love we give him, now being in kindergarten, taking lessons, etc. I'm finding it hard to work out playdates too. I've pulled away from playdates where there will be a baby or toddler in the house, especially if those friends have taken the same path as our families following our losses, etc. I know most kids having siblings is life, it's reality, but sometimes my son's interest and longing just make me feel so emotional in public and I worry about him feeling more sad about it all.

    His only friend that was his age and didn't have a sibling - they just had a baby last month. I feel so bad, but I haven't felt able to go and meet the baby yet. They live on our street and were close friends for a long time, close enough to share about our infertility, first m/c, being in hospital, etc. but they totally avoided us and never asked how they could help, if they could take in our son, or how we were doing. We were very supportive of them in times of bereavement and job stress. I left a gift on their porch but how do I celebrate the birth of their baby if they ignore the death of mine? I didn't even tell my son that his friend was getting a sibling or that the baby was born. I know that will really rock him and make him realize he is now officially the only, only child of anyone in his life.

    I don't avoid all siblings and babies, to be clear. If I'm comfortable around the grownups involved and they've been responsive or caring towards what we've shared, it doesn't feel like as much as an issue. Then I'm so much more comfortable and feel less social anxiety if I cry or my son says something. Those are the playdates I usually try to set up as they feel safer for everyone.

    A history of primary and secondary infertility, and m/c through years of treatment, it is a lot. I thought primary infertility was so horrifyingly frightening and as I watched the world move on around me, I feared not knowing if my journey would change. This is different. I'm so grateful, I'm a parent, and others are still on the road. But the sadness I feel about our losses and the lengths to which we're trying, I feel a different sense of despair because I'm doing it for my son. It's his greatest wish. And I feel such disappointment in how society and our family has handled our struggles, that I feel like I need to make sure he has his own family and someone his age, or close to his age, that we can raise up together to be empathetic and unconditionally supportive and loving people.

    I know this isnt the sunshiney and gratitude-filled post it could be, but I can only be honest - I feel like it's getting harder for me, not easier. I need to be healthy and happy for my son - and I do pour everything I can into him, maybe even a little extra because I feel guilty and we are his playmates, or his toys. But I also feel lots of grief, loneliness, isolation, and even a lot of the time... invisibility. I know people don't want to upset us, but they must know how hard so much is for us and him, and it's hard just to suck it all up and smile.