* Author Topic: This parenting is sooo much harder in real life than it was in my dreams  (Read 5004 times)

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Offline wibble-wobble

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In my dreams everything was perfect and rosy, everything was done by the perfect parent handbook instructions followed to a T.

The reality my perfect has low standards, my rosy is more rose tinted and the perfect parent handbook... That went out the window probably in the first 24hrs


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    Offline wibble-wobble

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    At this present moment in time I have a 23 month old daughter... That's almost a 2 year old! I've no idea where those 2 years went, they are just gone... Like that... in a flash.

    They weren't kidding when they said your life hits full speed at fast forward when you have a baby. They've been easily the best 2 years of my life, but also the most challenging. I wouldn't change Little P for anything, I do sometimes wish she had an instruction manual to make parenting her that little bit easier.

    We're right in the throes of the terrible 2's as they are described. 90% of the time I have an angel who is so entertaining and loveable but that other 10%... I'm wishing it was bedtime, wanting the world to swallow me whole, saying for @#/? sake and chanting it's just a phase repeatedly through gritted teeth with tears streaming down my face.

    I used to say that the newborn phase and the lack of sleep (hourly wake ups at one point) was the final decider in me being 1 and done... Yep revising that statement a toddler having a raging temper tantrum and trying to pull chunks out of herself whilst almost frothing at the mouth... That has sealed the deal!!!

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    So the background info, how it all began can be found by following the links

    Thought it'd be easier for me than trying to recall all the little details of the journey to the beginning of being a real growed up one that is proper responsible for a whole other person





    You deserve some kind of special recognition if you get through that lot and still continue to follow this.

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    Baby Robots Birth Story
    I'm starting my birth story a little different, it's starting almost 2 weeks before my little angel actually made her appearance.
    I apologise in advance for all the waffle and the sheer length of what you are about to read :D
    October 6th
    So it's my first midwife appointment having gone overdue. All the normal checks were done, B.P, dip test, feel of bump to guage position and listen to heartbeat. To my disappointment baby is still only half engaged like she was at the previous appointment almost 2 weeks ago. Midwife Helen decides to try a sweep and is unsuccessful, cervix is still 2 cms long, only just beginning to soften and is posterior. She does a little stretch in the hope that will start things off and gives me a bishops score of 3. I ask about induction but am told nothing will be booked until next Monday when she examines me again to see what changes have happened, there are different methods of induction the drip, pessary or propess tampon 24hr,then pessary and she wont know which one to book until next Monday. I leave full of hope that things may start to happen naturally.
    A couple of days later I wakein the early hours in pain and I've started to pass brown sludge, the kind you get just before AF makes an appearance. I'm tempted to tell Jon to stay off work but decide to take 2 paracetamol and get some sleep I'm so tired. The brown discharge continues on and off for a couple of days, at 1 point I ring the hospital due to the volume of it but I'm told just to monitor it for an hour or so along with movement... NO FURTHER ACTION!!!
    October 13th
    40+8 time for the progress check with Helen and its bad news absolutely no progress in my lady bits still getting a bishops score of 3, but on the positive baby is now fully engaged. A sweep wasn't possible again.
    Helen goes through the induction process with me. Because of my score she recommends the 24hr propess followed by pessary method. Apparently the propess is a slow acting hormone to soften the cervix gradually over 24hrs, in about 3-5% of cases it can work quicker than 24hrs but it's rare for this to happen.
    I was already dreading Jon being bored for a natural labour that could take 12hrs to establish now I had an extra day for him to be bored and cranky because he's bored!
    I've lost all hope of going naturally now, my pool birth plan is out the window because I'm being induced so have to be on the labour ward .... all the machines and medical equipment instead of the relaxing Eden Suite with just a midwife.
    Induction is booked to start at 1pm Friday 17th Oct all being well I could be cuddling my baby sometime Sunday :)
    Thursday I'm convinced my waters have broken as I get out of the bath, I ring the hospital who tell me to put a pad on, lie down for an hour then see what happens when you stand.
    Turns out I must have a fanny like a bucket that held onto bath water... the pad is bone dry. My last wishful hope of a natural birth is shattered.
    October 17th
    I woke randomly through the night as I had through most of my pregnancy. I'd started passing the brown sludgy discharge again the afternoon before and through the night I'd started to get mild period pain. I thought nothing of it and maybe it was just down to being examined the other day, like last time only the pain this time wasn't as severe.
    We spent the first part of the morning sorting a couple of bits, and giving the cats lots of attention their lives are about to change loads.
    We leave the house at 1230 to get to the hospital for the 1pm kick off.... Great start we arrive to be told they aren't quite ready can we come back at 3pm (someone had tried to ring me, my mobile battery had died through the night and I didn't switch it back on until we were leaving and didn't get any messages)
    So off we went for a coffee and a sandwich which took all of half hour, there was practically no signal for using mobiles... It was a long 2 hours!! 3pm and we're finally shown to our room No 7 home away from home I said (we live at No 7) it wasn't quite as homely though.
    A few of the midwife team come in and out introducing themselves , I can see Jon is starting to get fed up that we have been left an still nothing has been started. It's 430 before they link me up to the fetal monitor, things have sarted at last. I found it quite stressful being on the monitor, I'd never been on one before so didn't know what the normal fluctuations for baby's heartbeat should be and there was quite a variance in them. The monitor picked up the braxton hicks I was having, they were all painless and not bothering me.
    At 5pm I was given a meal it looked like poop, but didn't taste too bad... It only stayed down til around 7pm.
    530pm and the midwife is ready to examine me for the propess tampon. I'm 1cm dilated, cervix still posterior but softening nicely. She explains how the induction will work, in 24hrs they will remove the propess, examine me and insert a pessary that will be in for 12 hours, she then says it will be sometime Monday I give birth. Jon is less than impressed hearing that, I tell him he should probably go home and come back in the morning. He says no, he'd stay til 9ish. I'm monitored for another 30 mins then free to go wandering. It's past 6pm now so there is nothing open we have a lttle walk in the grounds but it's fairly cold so we head back to my room. I'm starting to feel pain now so take 2 paracetamol to ease it while we figure out how to use the tens machine. By 8pm the tens is turned up to 5 and I'm thinking I'm such a wimp. I couldn't have any more pain relief yet it was too soon. I was sick around now and also had the squits (sorry tmi) I notice fresh blood and panic. I send Jon to get someone only to be told its normal, they bring me a ball to bounce on. By now I'm in loads more pain and I'm told to bounce, move around and turn the tens up gradually to help.
    930pm and after begging for more pain killers I'm given 2 codeine, I managed to drop them on the bed, Jon was getting narky with me now and snapped 'why didnt you swallow them from the cup' .. because I never thought of it, I've got fingers to put tablets in my mouth with! I was complaining too much, the midwives have other patients too.
    1030pm and I'm moaning to Jon that the codeine are crap and are doing nothing and how it can't be normal to be in this much pain so soon, the tens was only taking my mind off the contractions  slightly. His reply was 'you need to dig deep and find some inner strength, your only in the beginning part of labour, it's going to get a lot worse' of course this wasn't said in a nice way but his moody I'm so peed off with you voice. I told him to go home he wasn't useful to me being tired and moody himself.  A midwife came to check on me around now and I told her I was having lots of contractions, I  hadn't timed them so she asked me to do this for the next 20 minutes.
    In the 20 minutes I had 10 contractions lasting between 40 seconds and a minute, so the midwife went to get the monitor to confirm what I was saying. Jon now decided he'd had enough of me moaning and wasting the time of the midwives being a hyperchondriac so he kissed me goodbye (it was a bitter farewell from us both) and said I'll come back around 10am... hopefully in a better mood!
    11pm I was hooked to the monitor again and around 20 minutes later the midwife came back to check the reading, on doing that she said she needed to do an internal examination. I was now 7cms dilated and my waters were bulging, contractions were approx every 2 - 2 1/2 minutes lasting about a minute. It was time to move me.
    I was asked what type of pain relief I'd like when I got to the labour ward, to which I replied everything possible, even epidural even though I'd stated in my birth plan I didn't want it but if it was guaranteed to take the pain away then give it to me ( by now I'd had enough of the tens it was cranked up past 10 and the bolts of shocks were more uncomfortable than helpful)
    The midwife then told me that I was going to the Eden suite not the labour ward as there were no problems with me or baby and I could have the water birth I originally wanted. It's rare for someone who is induced to make it to the midwife led unit, but if I seriously wanted epidural then I couldn't go... I soon changed my mind on that... TAKE ME TO THE POOL.
    I still had no signal on my phone so the midwife had to ring Jon to get him to come back. He'd literally got home, changed into his trackie, fed the cats and stuck a micro meal on to cook. So he waved goodbye to his dinner and got back to the hospital for midnight, by which time I was already comfy in the pool with the gas and air.
    I was surprised at how well the water actually eased the pain, it was bliss. It didn'y get rid of all the pain but it certainly helped. The gas and air made me queasy so I  didn't use it too often, Jon probably had more of it than I did while the midwives were out of the room. They only came in to check my pulse and baby's heartbeat every 2O minutes. (I had a trainee as well as a qualified midwife)
    The 4 hours I was in the pool passed quickly and peacefully,(until the screamer moved in next door) the midwife explained what my waters breaking in the pool would look like and said she'd go over how Jon would get the baby out of the pool once she was born after I'd been examined The tap was dripping constantly but I found it relaxing. After 4 hours I had to be examined and they couldn't do that in the water so out I got with gas and air to hand.
    I wasn't able to empty my bladder when I got out, so before examining me the midwife emptied it for me with a catheter, she said to give the baby more room to get out I wasn't going to put up a fight, I just wanted her to do what she needed to as quickly as possible so I could get back in the pool.
    There was no change since coming down from maternity, still 7cms and waters bulging. I asked how many cms I should be and she said 10 ( should dilate 1/2 cm an hour) another blow. She then said she would break my waters to see if that helped to speed things along. Pop and the atmosphere changed in an instant, you could see concern in the faces of the midwife and trainee
    The baby had passed mecconium, no more pool birth for me. I was walked the short distance from the Eden suite round to the labour ward with no pain relief and just gas and air waiting for me.
    I was tacicardic when I got there, probably shock from developments and my walk, so was quickly placed on all kinds of monitors for me and baby.
    4am and they are just getting me comfy in my new room with all the medical equipment everywhere. The gas and air they give me has a dodgy mouth piece that makes a funny squeaking noise when it's first used everytime which makes me laugh. They give me a shot of pethidene to ease the pain, I can't have any other meds as the baby should be born quite soon and it's too late. I'm told to drink loads as dehydration will slow contractions
    5am and it's decided I need more fluids, despite drinking like a fish the contractions are slowing. It takes 2 people 3 attempts to get the cannula in, I have what they call wobbly veins :D They also give me an isotonic drink (worst tasting drink ever) in the hope all the extra fluids work.
    530am time for another internal, I'm fully dilated now but told I wont start pushing for about another hour, baby isn't quite in the right position. A clip is put on baby's head to monitor her as the machine isn't picking her up because of where she is.
    45 mins later, the extra fluids aren't keeping the contractions going just 2 every 10 mins now, it's decided they'll give me the hormone drip to speed them up. I'm dead against it after the pain I felt with the propess but don't really have a choice. I have to have it and still no more pain killers are allowed. Once the drip kicks in and the contractions start I'm told to start pushing... I'm sure by now the pethidene is wearing off, or maybe I'm a wimp either way I'm feeling pain again and just have gas and air to see me through it. Bit crap as you can't push and suck on the gas and air at the same time.
    The midwife looking after me now is a total nutcase, so bouncy and loud and bubbly and encouraging. Jon feels a bit of a dick telling me to push, your doing so well etc but does it anyway. The midwife is saying come on push harder this baby will be here by shift change over at 730am
    7am and another internal, baby is still stuck in the same position a consultant is brought in to examine me and double check baby's position. She says  to monitor after a fewmore contractions as that could do the trick.
    730am and shift change over the new midwife (Rachel, the only name I remember) is really young and is equally as nutty and nice.
    745am another consultant has their hand up my foo feeling baby's position (why they ask if you mind before they do it baffles me, you can't really say no they need to know what they are dealing with)
    It's decided that no progress has been made at all and contractions are slowing down yet again despite the hormone drip and yet more extra fluids being pumped in.
    I lost count of the amount of different medical professionals that came in and out of my room and maybe violated my depleting dignity a little more and got me to sign paperwork and explain what was happening.
    I was being taken to theatre for an assisted delivery, either by forceps if they could failing that it would be a c-section. So I had to agree to both an episiomy and a c-section and also epidural.
    Things got a little hectic now, with people rushing in and out sorting thing ready for theatre. I'd put the worst type of nail varnish on, it had a glitter top coat and was a total Twit to get off, it took ages.
    I was then wheeled round to theatre and Jon was left alone to wait for them to prep me. I was given gas and air whilst the epidural was being set up ready to administer. I was given a pillow to hug and then in it went.
    It was such a nice feeling, going all warm and tingly then not feeling anything after hours of pain. Jon was brought in and sat by my head looking terrified, he kept telling me everything was ok. Then it was time to push, I had to be told when a contraction was starting and then push. Not easy when you can't feel a thing. Jon had to lift my head to make me feel like I was doing anything.
    On the first contraction they moved baby out from where she was stuck, on the second she was pulled a little closer to the exit and on the third she was born
    It took around 20 seconds for her to start screaming and it was the best sound ever. They couldn't delay clamping the cord because of being in theatre and to Jon's disgust when they cut the cord they left it long so he could cut it again, something he didn't want to do but felt obliged as it had been left for him.
    Daddy got to have the first cuddles as despite being given the injection to help the placenta out my womb was unwilling to give it up for ages and I also had to be sewn back together. It was about an hour before we met.
    total labour time was 10hrs and 33 mins (would have been much quicker if Phoebe didn't get stuck)
    Phoebe was born at 948am Saturday October 18th
    weighed in at 7lbs10ozs
    and she's perfect in every way, even if I do say so myself

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    So back to the present day

    I'm probably the worst mum ever... Do you ever get the feeling that your child doesn't want you around? I get it all the time recently.

    If it's just the 2 of us she is usually ok. Except for if she's throwing a tantrum, then it doesn't seem to matter what I sat or do it makes no difference to her. She'll scream until I break down (which happens when I can't calm her and it seems like it's never going to end or she looks like she is hurting herself/getting too worked up) I feel pathetic and useless.

    If anyone else is around it's like I don't exist, I'm not allowed to do anything with her or for her. If I try she kicks off

    Some days I feel like I'm really not cut out for this and maybe she picks up on it and thats why she doesn't want me around her when there is someone who isn't weak, pathetic and useless about

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    So after the woe is me post the other day things have been much better. Nothing like a whinge to put everything back into perspective.

    I obviously know that little P doesn't hate me, (she just doesn't show her love for me too often at the minute) she's just trying to find her place in life. She just happens to be very strong willed and wants everything her way.

    This has to be the most frustrating time, likely for both of us. I have day to day things to do. P also has things to do only she gets easily distracted and her things are usually the undoing of mine. A great example would be hanging washing to dry all the while she is un hanging it and putting (or at least trying to) away still wet. Everything takes around 3 times as long as it should  ;D

    I'm actually quite grateful that I have a very chatty toddler, I'm hoping this means she'll get over the tantrum phase quite quickly as she'll figure out what she wants to say about how she's feeling sooner than a non verbal tot would. I can live in ignorance is bliss for a while at least... I read terrible 2's can last til age 4 PLEASE DON'T LET THAT TRUE!

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    After giving birth I decided afterall that I'd give breast feeding a proper try. I stayed in hospital 2 days to find my feet a little, it was nice too in a way to have that those few hours with just me and P.  I didn't feel like I'd bonded at all while I pregnant, part of me was too scared incase it went wrong and the other part of me was terrified what Mr Wobbles reaction would be to the baby that in biological terms didn't belong to him. I must have spent days mentally exhausting myself over possible outcomes!

    On the Saturday P.... Or actually I'll call her little Wobble (her name is in the birth story that I copied and pasted along with her Daddie's, just seems a bit formal  ^idiot^

    So as I was saying the Saturday little Wobble was born was probably the longest day of my life. It technically started very early on the Friday I went in to be induced, as there was no sleep for pretty much any of it. Certainly not the Fri night or anytime until way past midday the Saturday.

    Little Wobble was born at 948 am and because of the theatre delivery I was kept in resus for just over an hour. Then it was a further 6 hours on the recovery ward as I'd had an epidural and was numb. Now you'd think this would be the time to catch up....

    Not when your cousin jumped the que and had her baby the day before (6 weeks premature) and her, the waste of space boyfriend, her sisters and your auntie and uncle all turn up at your bedside before you're out of the hospital issue gown. It was around 3/4 that I was moved to my own room and it wasn't long after Mr Wobble returned for the evening. That first day was bizarre I actually had my own baby and yet it felt like a dream or I was temporarily on another plain.

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    I've been back at work a whole year now. How sad I remember the anniversary of it  :o

    Pre mat leave I had a full time job with variety and things to do that kept my brain active... Now I feel like most of it has died, pretty sure if I carry on doing the same thing for too much longer I'll be as useless as a wet fart in the rain.

    I only do 2 days in work but believe me 15 hours doing a job that bores the poop out of you is about 15 too many (it's actually just the 1 shift that totally bores me, the other I get to bake so its a little more taxing). Needs must though.... Don't I wish I'd been more careful with the finances in the past so I could have stayed off longer... But would I really have wanted too ??? My opinion on that can change hourly depending on the mood of little Wobble.

    Work would be more bearable if it wasn't for the 1 shift finishing after little Wobble's bedtime and the next starting with me leaving before she is up. Had a manager say to me well at least you have all week with her... Maybe true, but its the best part of 2 days I'm not seeing her and it kills me inside!

    I did to glance at her from a distance this morning, she waved and blew me kisses from her bedroom window, which she can just see out of. Her bedroom door is always kept closed as we have the cats and don't want them sleeping in her cot and I wouldn't want to risk waking her by opening the door. It took probably 16 months to get us in to the position of her sleeping through the night in her own cot. We don't want to take backward leaps  ;D

    Mr Wobble is also a proper moody geht if he has to get up too early on his days off. Its actually just the 1 day he has to get up early but he makes such a big deal of it, that and he works all week and gets no time to himself. Or so he says! Not like I'm going to baby groups by myself and leaving little Wobble with him! I take little Wobble to stay at Nana's all the time so he gets to have his ME time. I pretty much take her everywhere with me (except work... That's my ME time  ^idiot^ ) If he's on lates, or a day off when I'm nit working I leave him in bed, sometimes he doesn't get up until almost midday!  He gets plenty of child free time, he even has the option to visit friends or his family but instead chooses to waste his free time on the PlayStation.

    Am I coming across as bitter? I do feel it sometimes, especially when he starts with his I don't get much time for me tales of woe. Found myself thinking 'here we go again' . In an ideal world I'd have a job working when he was so I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore. But I can't as childcare costs way more than we could afford at the moment. One day though..

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    Day 2 of being a Mummy I was still in hospital not because there was anything wrong, I chose to stay mainly to build a little confidence with a newborn. I'd never really held one for more than 5 minutes let alone change a nappy and well you just wouldn't attempt to breastfeed a baby that you hadn't given birth too  ;D

    So it's Sunday morning I've had next to no sleep I had a baby that didn't want to settle until one of the helpers (bf support I think she was rather than a midwife) swaddled her. That was the only time she was ever swaddled, little Wobble was an arms up sleeper.
    Mr Wobble turned up pretty early, I thought I looked rough... But jeeze he looked like he'd been awake days even on a full night sleep.
    My first visitors were my mum and sister they'd travelled by train to visit and being a Sunday with the not so early starts it was almost midday when they arrived. They hadn't been in long when my Auntie and Uncle turned up just to say hi on their way to visit their newest Grandson who was in nicu. Then the whole of my inlaws just piled in one after the other... Talk about feeling overwhelmed and to make matters worse I'd been having a little skin to skin (I was wearing jarmies, little Wobble was snuggled in the oversized top. They assumed I was breastfeeding so were instantly awkward and made excuses to get out quickly. Which only added to my feelings of anxiety or feeding in public (I had only decided when she was born to actually give breast feeding a go... I naively thought I'd just express, ore on that later!) so I was feeling tense and nervous and overwhelmed and all sorts of other things and there were all these people that were talking non stop, over each other, excitedly passing my baby round. While I had to open cards and presents and look grateful for crap that I wouldn't look at twice, let alone buy. Guess the thought was there but really... If you don't know what to get, don't get anything! Some of the outfits... It's cruel that I had to dress her in them once just to take the Photo to say 'look I'm wearing it thanks'.  There were 11 of us and a baby in that tiny room at 1 point. There was a max number of 2 visitors per patient too so how they all got let in at once baffles me!

    I'd had a mini meltdown in the night and said something horrible to my tiny Wobble, which I feel bad about still now. But I've accepted it was the rush of hormones and the lack of sleep that did it. I wanted my dad so badly after little Wobble was born and I felt guilty for not starting a family while he was alive. Kind of like I'd cheated him out of his right, he had grandkids from my sister but then there was us that had been married a decade and done nothing about it.

    My Granny used to ask every time I saw her when the little Wobbles would be along.... Even she had passed on by the time we were ready for 'Little Fred'  I did once tell her we couldn't have babies the natural way and would need Ivf, she'd already started her decline into dementia so I'm not sure if she understood. She never really asked again after that. Think she would have been besotted with little Wobble had she been around to meet her

    Offline wibble-wobble

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    I technically have a 2 year old by Ivf dating 2 years ago today was her due date. She celebrated her non birthday by refusing to do anything Mr Wobble wanted her to do HA it's not just me then!!!

    It's been a pretty mixed week I've spent a lot of it wondering how much of a future me and Mr Wobble have. Not that I don't love him anymore... I do at least feeling this hurt makes me think I do.

    He just never seems happy with whatever I do. When I'm around him he's miserable, doesn't say much, has a face on him. He doesn't strike up conversations. If I didn't say anything to him I'm sure we'd never speak. I thought I was imagining it to begin with but his whole attitude changes if someone visits. He can be laughing and joking around with little Wobble while I'm out of the room but as soon as I return.

    He says he's fed up a lot of time if I can actually get him to say why he has a gob on. Then he'll say how he gets no time to himself, he works all week has Little Wobble all weekend. Like he is hard done by! 

    Yesterday I couldn't wait to go to work I felt so uncomfortable around him, I was dreading coming home for fear of what mood he'd be in. He lied about what time off he has while I'm away next week, which kind of hurt. I get that he works hard and wants a bit of space and I don't mind going to my mum's. But why lie? Am I such a bad wife, one that puts too much on you. As well as gets on your nerves, doesn't de-weed the front and back yard or clean windows.

    Little Wobble idolises him, as soon as he walks in the door she is all over him like a rash and it doesn't matter what I say or try to do with her I'm in the way. He got annoyed that he couldn't have a  ^swear^ in peace.... Welcome to my world.