* Author Topic: My Diary - Finally a mummy...  (Read 8203 times)

0 Members

Offline Turia

  • Volunteer
  • *
It's 4am and I am up again on my nightly wanderings.  I am sleeping better in the bed and my foot is all better but I still wake up in hip pain any time between 2.30-3.30 in the early hours.  So I get up, do some physio exercises and catch up on the iPad.

Tomorrow night, I wonder if I will meet Santa?

This is the first Christmas in over 20 years that I am actually looking forward to and that in itself is unsettling.  Next year Baby T will appreciate better what is going on so I am hoping that my own sense of excitement will be back in full.

For the last 10 years, Christmas has been dominated by my infertility and grief after the loss of my mum.  But I had started to cultivate my BahHumbug shell even earlier when my parents separated and then divorced.  I may have been in my mid 20's at the time, but Christmas still became an emotional minefield.  Don't get me wrong, there are happy memories but they were mixed with guilt at spending the day with one parent rather than the other.  Then Christmas became dominated by my mum's poor health and became instead a time of stress and then ultimately a time of grief.

And of course then it became a permanent time of grief as we experienced bfn after bfn (our first was on a Christmas Day OTD too) and the realisation that we may never experience the magic of the time of year through our own child's eyes.

But now things are changing.  There will still be sadness as it will be the first Christmas for my OH without his own mum.  Tomorrow we will visit both cemeteries with flowers and there will be some tears.

But after those tears there will be panic as I try and deliver last minute cards and wrap all the presents.  There will be laughter as Baby T continues with his walking/running, holding the hand of one of us and then chasing the other round and round the dining table. 

And then I might meet Santa! ^santa^


FertilityFriends

  • Advertisement
  • ***

    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    Yesterday, dear diary, was a day of achievement in both simple goals and long held dreams.

    Firstly, Baby T had his first train journey into Glasgow centre only to fall asleep half way there and somehow stay asleep through all the noise and bustle that is Glasgow Central Station and beyond...

    Our destination was the courtyard in Princes Square to meet my dad and his wife as well as my sister and wee niece for lunch.

    For those who know Glasgow, they may well also know that ever since Princes Square opened over 25 years ago, it's central courtyard down in the basement has been a place of joy for all children.  For those not in the know, it's courtyard is a simple circular wooden floor surrounded by 3 wooden steps almost like a mini amphitheatre.  Parents would sit in the surrounding restaurants or simply sit on these steps and watch their children run free round and round in circles, playing tag and generally shrieking with delight (the kids not the parents  ;D).  It is in high contrast to the beautiful architecture and exclusive shopping that surrounds but somehow it fits together.

    There are also restaurants in the top floor, where you can look out over the balcony and watch the children from afar.  And at this time of year, it is especially wonderful as many of the children are dressed in party clothes for that special family meal out.

    But enough context.

    It's been about 4 years since I was last there.  My niece was still in a high chair and at 10 months old, was just taking her first steps.  At that Christmas time family meal, my sister and I realised how much our Dad wanted to see his own grandchildren run and play in that courtyard.  My niece was still too young and I sat there struggling with infertility.

    I hated nearly every minute of that meal.  My beautiful niece was a reminder of what I couldn't have.  All the children playing in their finest reminded me, their joy taunting me.  And I felt so bad that I would never be able to give my dad that special grandad moment.

    Until yesterday  :)

    Grandad was in his element.  My niece sparkled in her party dress holding onto his leg.  Baby T was either in his arms refusing to be held by anyone but Grandad, or leading Grandad round and round as he tried to chase and catch his cousin.  It was a special, special moment.

    But dear diary, just in case you think that it was parenting perfect, I must admit to having 2 large glasses of wine with lunch...I was exhausted by a week's worth of hyper-activity from Baby T ;D. And as for almost having to physically drag Baby T to the changing rooms to get his nappy changed.... ::). The terrible twos have arrived 10 months early in our house!

    But luckily his nappy changing reluctance doesn't last long and it is back to smiles and giggles and holding Grandad's hand  :)

    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    There are times I am convinced that Baby T hates me  :'(

    I know I am just being daft  ^idiot^ as it is just a frustration thing and he also gives lots of love and cuddles but when he gives that big smile that says "You don't like this, but I do so I'm doing it", you know that whatever comes next is deliberate.

    Every morning when I take him to nursery, he cries when I go to leave.  Yesterday we arrived late as I had to take him to the doctors (chest infection and conjunctivitis) and he immediately ran and gave his key worker a hug.  She was all touched with joy at such a welcome, I knew it was because I had just tried to put eye drops in his eyes.

    This morning he sat - or rather writhed and wriggled - on my knees whilst I tried to get him dressed for nursery.  I received a backwards head butt on my lip and then a second sharp one on my own head.

    I started dodging his head throws, moving my head in the opposite direction trying to keep it away from his reach.  Each time, I moved, he altered his directional thrust.  I realised he was deliberately trying to head butt me.

    I got lots of hugs and tears when I tried to leave him at nursery again so maybe normal service has resumed.  However I was left feeling sad on both counts although it gave my OH and his office mates a laugh  ::)


    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    Apologies dear diary, this is a pity fest.  :(

    There is so much that I need to update you on but at the moment I am just feeling sorry for myself.

    Baby T is now on his 7th cold since starting nursery in October and that means I'm on my 7th cold too.  However this last one has gone straight to my ears and throat and stayed there.  I've now had very painful permanent earache for over 2 weeks.  The doctor said it was just a viral infection and to ride it out and "Hey did you also know that at some point you have perforated your eardrum". :o

    Even worse, alcohol increases the pain so I can't even relax and enjoy a glass of wine after a week at work  :(

    I'm still up during the night in pain with my hips/back.  Since the end of November I have survived on about 5 hours sleep a night and not continuously.  I usually sleep 11.30pm - 3.30pm, get up for an hour and then wake at 4.30 and then 5.30 and then the alarm goes off at 6. 

    The bags under my eyes have dark shadows of their own   :o  I've found myself falling asleep at my desk.  My finger has pressed a key in a spreadsheet and all of a sudden it is 111111111111111111111111 instead of 1, for that split second I nodded off.

    To try and improve my pain levels at night, I have upped my physio only to hurt my knee two weeks ago to the extent that I could not kneel to play with Baby T nor do my physio.

    I just feel as if I am falling apart.

    I don't know when I last felt physically like myself - probably January 2015!  Being pregnant was obviously brilliant but there were a lot of physical repercussions and aches and pains during it.  Then I spent almost a month in hospital followed by 4-5 months of extreme pain.  That pain eased (but didn't go) but only if I slept in a chair so naturally it has now been back for a couple of months and of course since then I have also been juggling returning to work and all the above moans and groans.

    I need to get a grip  ^bigbad^ I need to stop feeling sorry for myself as I have so much to be thankful for but I am just so tired, I don't have the energy to kick my own  ^shake^



    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    Gosh, its been a while since I've written!  Basically I've been playing nursemaid as our health issues continue. 

    Baby T and I are now on our 10th cold since October.  He still has his hacking cough but this last week, it seems to have subsided at night and no longer wakes him up during the night.  Its now been nearly 2 weeks since he coughed so much he was sick (3 times in one day).  The only bright spot is that on Sunday he suddenly discovered how to blow down his nose into a hanky....or rather the bib he was wearing.  He was instantly forgiven for throwing all his toast and breakfast things on the floor as he blew away  ;D

    For two weeks he also had a really bad temperature.  To begin with it was just in the later afternoon but then it was all night.  I slept in the chair again for those two weeks as he refused to go in his cot.  I spent most of the hours awake, mopping his brow with wet wipes.  We discovered that giving calpol or ibroprofen during the night just made him wide awake and running around his room banging on anything he could or shaking his baby gate in an effort to escape  ^bigbad^  ::) ^bigbad^ 

    However we have now had 2 weekends in a row when he has been good healthwise, or rather goodish as since Thursday he has been having 2-3 soft pooey nappies a day.  The type that often explode right up his back and involve full scale clothing changes.  Poor boy has a very red and sore bottom.

    We put it down initially to having some lentil curry on Wednesday night, with the dawning realisation that he also had lentil soup for lunch Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. But it continued Saturday without the soup, so I wondered if it was also his discovery of fruit smoothies or fruit shoot drinks that had upset his system?  It doesn't seem to be a bug as he is eating well, has no temperature and generally running around a lot (Usually into something despite all the foam protection.  That boy now has a yellow bruise on his forehead from last week that he then scratched in the same place and now has a new bruise on top of that!).

    But enough of the catching up and background context, I now have a nappy story to tell, dear diary....

    Yesterday we celebrated the birthdays of Baby T's Grandad and cousin, with another family lunch at Princes Square.  It was the usual happy chaos as 5 year old and toddler played chase all afternoon in the courtyard.  However Baby T is just as excited by his train journey home.

    "Looks like we didn't need the 2 extra changes of clothes I bought with us" says Mummy T to Daddy.  "He has been okay since this morning's nappy change (that had resulted in a bath)"

    Baby T heard, realised that he hadn't poo'd after his big lunch and promptly obliged.  Within seconds its on the outside of his trousers, up the inside of his shirt and on the table that he was sitting on.  We have no option but to change him there and then.  Luckily we are right next to the toilet on the train.

    But the train is rolling around on the tracks as we are still a couple of stops away. 

    We can't lie him down as he is covered in poo and the water 'tap' insists on only working as part of a pre-programmed sequence.

    The door keeps shutting automatically and we have to keep opening it as our stuff, my bag and the pram are all outside.

    I have no option but to laugh and laugh  ;D ;D ;D  It was quite a feat trying to hold him upright on a moving train, balance ourselves and all without getting any more poo on Baby T or us.

    Luckily we are the end of the line so had some more time.  We got off the train with one minute to spare before the train set off again.

    Baby T laughed to himself and promptly fell asleep.


    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    Baby T is now 18 months and 2 days old


    Things I want to remember from our holiday in Aviemore last week….in no particular order!


    Your smiles and laughter  ;D as mummy sang very badly to all the songs on your two bookbug cd’s to alleviate your boredom on the car journey north.  I only got to listen to Bob Seger once!


    Your insisting on being carried by daddy whenever you could, but your determination to walk where you wanted to if you had your eye or mind on something  ::)  Thank goodness for reins as you marched back down the hill of the Commando Monument and along to the last remaining motorbike (a contingent had just left).  Luckily the young guy who owned the bike was very understanding and even let you sit on the seat.  Despite having never been on a bike before, you knew instantly the correct seating position to adopt and leaned forward to look the part.  And the nice guy even took photos!

    Sadly, nice guy with bike had to leave but you just turned your attention to all the buses – big and small – that were coming and going.  You marched right up to them and even got to sit on the driver’s seat. Just as well you are a cute 18 month old baby, you won’t get away with this behaviour when you are older!


    How excited you were being on the steam train and the real look of recognition and understanding that this was just like Thomas the Tank Engine!


    Gosh you have turned into a petrol-head, as you also insisted (and still do) on getting to sit in the driver’s seat of the car at every chance you could.


    The way you ate the jam straight from the little jars at the hotel breakfast table  :o  At least you used a spoon!


    How excited you were about your new Thomas the Tank wellingtons.  You wore them to nursery before your holiday (even though it wasn’t wet) and wore them in the house – often with just a nappy on!  But when we put them on so you could paddle in Loch Morlich…no way!  You walked the opposite direction from the lochside, sat down and took them off.


    The way you laughed and giggled when rolling about on the hotel bed, especially when being tickled  ;D


    The shout-out from the hotel bar singer in the big floral shirt, giving kudos for the bright summer shirt you were wearing.


    The way you flirted, batting those big eyes and cute shy smiles with every girl in a café or restaurant or hotel foyer - whether a baby, child, teenager or pensioner.


    The way you waved over and over again to the polar bear at the wildlife park…

    ….and the way you waved over and over again to every bus, motorbike, bus or train that you saw.



    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    Baby T is 18 m and 6 days

    I've been in tears.  Baby T has had his first full haircut.  All his long hair and curls have gone.  He looks so different.

    I guess my baby is all growing up.  Maybe Baby T needs another name if he isn't a baby anymore  :'(

    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    Baby T is 20m and 5 days old

    Other than lots of da da da's and ma ma ma's, Baby T has not been talking.  We all keep thinking he has said something but it is never said again and it was always unclear so doubt remained.  But things are changing....

    At the weekend, Baby T announced 'car' and has said it frequently since.

    This morning, he pointed at the kitchen floor and said 'durt' (dirt).  I had just dropped the weetabix, but wait until he has to juggle keeping a house clean, working full time and look after a very active toddler.. then he can tell me if my kitchen floor needs cleaned  ;D

    Then another proud moment just a few minutes later...he pointed and said banana

    ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^


    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    Baby T is 20m 27d

    Sooooo many things I want to update you on dear diary  but between work, home, nursery runs and of course my gorgeous bundle of mischief I never ever seem to have the time.  So for now, I will just have to be content with recording a wee speech update.  I had been so worried about his lack of talking that every word is now a joy!

    So we have 'car' on a daily basis.  He knows the sounds and movements for a train but still hasn't tried the word.

    In addition to banana, we now have what sounds like 'stuck'.  It could be 'duck' as it is said 'uck' but he gets his other words in the right context and there has been no duck in sight so I am leaning towards stuck as he usually seems to want something at that time.

    I still get muh muh muh muh but daddy gets a clear da-da  ^bigbad^

    But the proudest, happiest, teary eyed moment was when I clearly heard 'Gran-da'.  He has said it a few times now and it is now officially the first word he has spoken down the telephone (obviously to his Grandad!).

    Hopefully more later dear diary!...It's nursery run time  ;D

    Offline Turia

    • Volunteer
    • *
    21 months and 12 days

    Another quick update and another new word was proudly announced last night:

    NO!

    Or rather he goes "Nnnooo, nnnooo, nnnoooooooo" as we always get the word repeated.  He is delighted with his new word as you can tell he is experimenting with the range of sound effects he can make with it.  So we had it last night (in the bath), this morning when I tried brushing his teeth and then at the door of the nursery.

    I don't know whether to praise him for having a new word that he says correctly and in context or tell him off for disobeying  ;D ;D ;D