My Diary - Finally a mummy...

[Turia]

22 months and 6 days

On Saturday night after a lovely meal out as a family, Baby T, my OH and I watched the film 'Stork' 

As the film ended, I held Baby T even tighter and cried big sobs of tears.

I cried for all those years when the stork never visited us.

I cried for all those that are still waiting for the stork to visit.

I cried with relief, happiness and love for Baby T 

It's daft but perhaps still understandable how much the pain of all those years is still with me...

[FertilityFriends]

[Turia]

22 months and 8 days

I don't want this week to go by without recognition that Monday was the one-year mark since my OH losing his mum and Baby T losing his Gran.  For those that never read my previous diary, she died at the grand age of 94 just shy of two months from seeing her only - and long, long awaited for - grandchild turn one.

I'm still sad that she never had the time that she deserved to be a Gran. 

I'm sad that she never got to see his cheeky character develop, and know that his determined (stubborn?) streak was her side of the family.

I'm sad that baby T will never remember his Gran, nor will he ever know his other Granny - my own mum - as she died at the very start of our emotional roller coaster.  Likewise never knowing his Grandpa, my OH's father who died over 30 years ago.

 

My OH wanted to mark the day by making happy memories.  So we took the day off work and took baby T to one of his favourite places to watch and ride upon the steam trains.  We invited his remaining grandparent, Grandad and his wife now known as Granny P.  Baby T loves both of them to bits, he absolutely adores his Grandad and it is a joy to see them together.

It was a lovely although poignant day   

[Turia]

Still 22 months and 8 days

I also didn't want to let this week go by without mentioning the sad loss of Glen Campbell.

When baby T was just 19 weeks old, I wrote in my diary:

My sister and I both grew up with a fondness for the songs of Glen Campbell, but never really knew why.

As my dad sang lullabies and songs to Baby T in hospital, "Wichita Lineman" became a favourite.  Turns out he used to sing it to us.

Now I sing it to Baby T...

"And I need you more than want you,
And I want you for all time...

Since that time, Wichita Lineman has remained a firm favourite with Baby T.  As soon as the first notes start, Baby T will always stop what he is doing and either go to the TV to watch the video or come to my lap for a cuddle and to watch You Tube on the iPad. 

It is my guaranteed lullaby.

A sad serendipity is a paradox, but there are no other words to describe it.  The night before Glen Campbell died, was that same day of making memories and Baby T was too excited to sleep.  I sat in the big nursery chair and held him in my arms, Glen Campbell and Wichita Lineman played on the iPad.  I put it on repeat play.

Baby T snuggled in, his breathing slowing as the music instantly calmed him down.  By the time of the 5th play, Baby T was asleep.

And for moments like these, that song grows stronger in my heart every time I hear it played. 

"And I need you more than want you,
And I want you for all time..."

[Turia]

7 sleeps until 2nd Birthday
(which means 10 sleeps until I turn 50!)


Random memories of our holiday in Ireland

Taking you down to breakfast in the hotel whilst still in your PJs and bare feet - at least you kept your day clothes free of jam that way 

You running down the hotel corridors to see all the traffic crossing over Wolfe Tone Bridge in Galway, or looking out our hotel room window at the same view.  We all became so excited at the trucks, fire engines, bus, tourist train and of course the many, many shout outs of 'car'.  Indeed every moment you could was spent at these windows or watching at the hotel front door - we became friends with all the tourist bus drivers as they waited for their party to depart...

Baby T actually shaking someone's hand and not just doing a high five.  Ian, the hotel restaurant manager, earned great kudos for achieving this on a daily basis.

You giving Sandra, the hotel receptionist, a hug when we left.  She was quite moved to tears 

You learning how to work the buttons of the hotel lift - not so good for when you wanted to go out to look at cars when it was bedtime 

"Wow!" - you would exclaim in amazement when your dinner arrived at each of the restaurants in Galway.  Won't miss those temper tantrums trying to get you into a high chair though!

“Wow!” you also exclaimed as we walked into our hotel in Donegal.  You couldn’t believe the double height ceiling or the fact there were trees in the lobby.

The recognition on your face as you finally connected the word ‘fish’ with all the sights of the Galway Aquarium.  You didn’t like the first tank as it had an artificial wave, the sudden whoosh of water coming into the tank every few minutes made you scared and you cuddled into my arms.  It was mummy’s favourite 

We bought you a big plastic boat for your bath at the aquarium and later that day you finally had a bath without daddy having to join you in the bath tub!  You obviously figured there was more space to play with your boats when it was just you!
 
You finally learnt the “Yes” word, although you say ‘Yea’.  It is a delight to my ears to finally be able to get a positive response to a question 

It was a holiday of beaches and great weather.  We had 6 full days without any travelling and 4 of them were spent on the beach….

• Your first visit to a sandy beach at Furbogh.  We went in paddling although you kept on your wellies.  However you soon were running along the wee beach, squelching away as the waves had gone over the tops of your wellies.

• Our second beach visit – quite a way out into Connemara, past Kilkieran and opposite Finish Island – was glorious.  We had stopped at the Centra in Kilkieran for supplies and you had your first proper picnic, sitting in the boot of the car.  Humous smeared all over your face and later combined with a special treat of chocolate buttons.  Mum and Dad however, were left sheltering from the sudden shower underneath the boot lid!  However the clouds soon passed and the sun came out and the sky turned blue.  We were the only ones for miles around on our own secret beach of white soft sand.  This time there were no wellies on you and we were all paddling in the warm coves of the Atlantic Ocean.   Baby T and I collected shells and chased our shadows on the sands.  It was the most perfect of perfect days.

• Beach three was the busiest at Dunfanaghy however that just gave Baby T all the more to get excited about.  There were people walking and playing, horses and riders trotting by, dogs chasing each other on their Sunday morning walk.  You ran around in nappy and t-shirt and straw hat looking quite the cool dude.  Lunch was another picnic from the boot of the car and the sun burnt down.  We had bought a bucket and spade by now so we had great fun making sandcastles – or at least mummy did!

• Our final beach was just round the head from Dunfanaghy at Falcarragh beach (at the mouth of the River Ray end – it’s a long beach!).  Another sunny day so this time we picnicked on the beach itself taking a rug from the car.  Whilst mostly deserted, other walkers were wrapped in winter woollies.  It must be the Scottish hardiness that makes us embrace such good weather 

There was also a purpose behind making the memories.  Whilst we both love Galway and Connemara, my OH has a family connection through grandparents and great grandparents.  As soon as Baby T started to become a real possibility he talked with fondness about taking him there to see “the land of his fore-fathers”. 

And so we drove around the barren land that his grandfather left, Baby T ran riot around the ancestral castle (okay, they shared a surname!) but we also drove to Donegal via the shrine at Knock where my OH’s own father had died suddenly whilst on holiday in Ireland over 30 years ago.

As we stood at the very spot where his dad had died, my OH lifted Baby T up for a meaningful hug 

Baby T promptly wee’d all down his shorts and onto my OH    My OH’s face was a picture but then...

“That’s my Dad having the last laugh on me” said my OH. “He always did have a wicked sense of humour.”

Phew!

[Turia]

Happy Birthday Baby T!

2 Today 

[Turia]

Happy Birthday to Me!

50 years old today 

For years I've hated this day as another reminder of my failing to be a mummy.

Now I am proud to be an older mum.

Now I am proud to be an IVF survivor.

Now I'm tired but happy x

[Turia]

Baby T is now 2 years and 10 days old


Although it has not been long since our holiday, we went away for a long weekend down to the Lake District to celebrate my birthday.  However no walks in the autumnal sunshine for mummy – instead it was a weekend of boats, steam trains and vintage cars    Everything a certain Baby T loves to do 

Our sail down the length of Windermere was glorious.  As hardy Scots we were putting on suntan lotion whilst everyone else was wrapped in coats and scarves.  Baby T was in his element, exploring all the decks of the big boat and pulling mummy or daddy behind him on the other end of his reins.  We don’t use these much now but given his new found love of climbing, we figured it would be safer!

His face was a picture of joy and even more excitement when we docked at Lakeside and there was a train complete with bright blue steam engine just waiting for us.  The excitement continued along the journey, and then watching the engine being refilled with water and chugging down the track at the end of the line.

But then came the meltdown.  As the train left without us and we stepped into the railway café for lunch, his wee heart broke.  There was rolling on the floor and inconsolable tears and everyone looking.  He reached for me so I sat down with him whilst Daddy ordered lunch for us all and I tried to reassure that the train would come back.

By the time my OH sat down, Baby T was out for the count in my arms.  I ate one handed whilst my OH tucked in.  “I’ll stay here with him,” I afterwards offered, “you go and explore the trains some more”. 

So I sat rocking him alone.  The whole café had gone quiet as if to ensure his slumbers were undisturbed.  Elderly ladies – and even older men - smiled at me affectionately, their memories taking them back decades to when they last did the same.

It was an hour of total bliss.  This was what being a mummy was all about, comforting your child, rocking your baby to sleep (even though as a two-year old toddler he is half the height of me) and just enjoying that feeling of closeness, that bond.  This was something that I never thought I would have.

And in the background, the radio played a string of hits from the 80s and one felt particularly right for the moment and I gently sang (quietly) along…

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time

[Turia]

2 years, 1 month, 6 days

I'm up in the early hours as the wee man has had a really bad coughing fit.  Some cuddles, warm milk and Calpol later, he is now fast asleep and I have 40 minutes to go until the alarm goes off....


My sister has breast cancer.

It's now been 2 weeks since her mammogram which failed to spot anything, but an ultrasound did.  It's classed as grade 2 and it looks like it hasn't spread so we are thankful for that.  She starts chemo in the next week.  They reckon it could be hormonal in cause, although they can obviously never be too sure.

She is naturally freaking out, especially as she has a 5 year old daughter.

I'm trying to be supportive but inwardly I'm freaking out too....

I remember she is my baby sister, my best friend.  She doesn't deserve this, no-one deserves it.

I remember Dudders on these boards, and my heart still breaks at the thought of her young son losing his mum.

I remember my 8 cycles of treatment and all the hormones that have been injected, absorbed or swallowed, and wonder what the hell they might have done to me.

And I hug my son and a few tears gently fall....

[Turia]

2 years, 1 months, 3 weeks and 1 day


Dear Baby T
I wrote this just after you turned 2 and it has taken me nearly 2 months to add it to your book!

A wise woman once said to another mummy “The days are long but the years are short”.  So true!
 
I cannot believe that you are 2 already - the year seems to have passed so quickly.  I have been so tired and stressed juggling work and home and being with you but your laughter and cheeky smiles, your cuddles and kisses have made it all worthwhile. 
 
Each morning, our day starts with cuddles as you sit on my knee, taking your time to fully come round to the idea of starting the day.  And each night, our day ends with a bottle of milk, stories and whispered lullabies, and you snuggle into me to sleep.  Eventually daddy transfers you to your bed but that time, sometimes half-an-hour but often an hour or so is so special – although too often I am asleep before you!
 
Since your last birthday until the end of April, you seemed to be always coming down with something but since the summer started we have had great times as a family, whether a trip to the park or going on holiday.  You are growing up so fast – you are not a baby anymore but already a mischievous, determined, playful and happy little boy.  I want to capture every moment and imprint it on my heart and my mind.
 
I’ve therefore been continuing with my diary in between these annual entries so that one day you will have something more detailed to read back on.  You will know my thoughts, my words, my heart and not just see memories through photographs.
 
You have changed our world and despite the exhaustion and the frustration of endless food on the floor, I wouldn’t have it any other way 

Mummy x

(Copied from my writings in "Our Story", the annual diary that I will keep for Baby T until he is 18)

[Turia]

Wee Man T is 2 years, 2 months and a day short of 3 weeks old

3 sleeps until Christmas! 

I'm 50

For most of my life, I have been aware that Christmas falls on 25th December.

You would think by now I would be well practised in the art of getting ready for the day.

But no 

Given that it took nearly 2 whole days to buy a tree last weekend and get it up and decorated, it shows what I am up against.  At least Wee Man T had his first viewing of 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' under the premise it was about a car that flies 

So now I have a weekend of chaos ahead before even more chaos descends on Monday