My Diary - Finally a mummy...

[Turia]

Wee man T is 3 years and 3 days old

Quick note of this morning's conversation....

"Is that her baby?", he said pointing at something on the TV.  "I'm a horror baby" he added.

Certainly at times, I thought  but wondered where on earth he heard such a phrase.  He named his best friend at nursery.

"Are you sure he said horror baby?" I asked.  He laughed and said "No, horrid"

Even worse, I thought.  Why would his friend say that.  I asked if they were still friends but was told 'yes'. 

"Why would he call you horrid, it means that something isn't nice and a friend wouldn't say that".

"Because I was the helicopter".

The penny dropped, "Aahhh, you mean Harold the helicopter".

"Yes mummy, silly mummy" as he laughed at my stupidity 

[FertilityFriends]

[Turia]

Each year I'm meant to write in your paper diary - a record of our year together that you can look back on.  I'm a bit late this year as work, looking after you and home leave no time for anything but sleep  but finally here is this year's entry:


So you are now three!  As you so often ask “How did that happen?”

I can’t believe you are not a baby anymore, it seems like only yesterday.  Now you are growing so fast, everything is changing….your move to a cot bed, using a quilt and pillow instead of sleeping bag, moving to the Big Room at nursery, a new car seat and of course giving up your dummies.  Just need to master this potty training now!

Whilst being on the receiving end of your super hero/villain attacks may leave me bruised, I love the fun, the games and adventures that we have.  I didn’t know that dinosaur hunting could be so much fun!  I love your imagination, your love of hats, of songs and dancing although not so keen on your fascination with all things naughty.  I love our chats and conversations, sometimes serious, sometimes daft and sometimes in language that only we understand.  I love your sense of wonder as we teach you about the world, and I love that you have taught me to indulge in that sense of being silly as who cares what everyone thinks – as long as my boy and I are having fun! 

But I’m so scared of not being there for you as you grow up.  One of the down sides of being an older mum, I guess.  I just want to hold you, kiss you and watch you as you come into your own.  You are already your own little person and I want to see what you will be as you become an adult.  I don’t want you to go through any pain, I want to hold you in my arms, wipe away any tears and keep you safe at all times.  You are a very part of my being.

Love Mummy x

[Turia]

Oh Diary, I'm so sorry for the lack of updates.  Simply put, this year has been hell on the work front. 

I need to be wary of what I say as it is not my news to share, but I have been covering for both my managers all year so capacity is down and the pressure up, I've had to make several redundancies and there have been several personal tragedies among the staff team.  One of which has been devastating to all, the news that no parent should have to face.

And now that news has come to pass - my friend and colleague has lost his 11-year old son.  Seven months ago, he was a football daft boy and now....

It is beyond heart-breaking, beyond comprehension.  I remember the boy being born, he was a rainbow baby and much, much loved. 

There are no words, only tears...

There will be extra hugs and kisses for my own miracle tonight 

Turia x

[Turia]

I discovered this morning that yesterday - 24th July - was International IVF Day and today Louise Brown, the first IVF baby turns 41.

I would have been 11 when she was born but I remember the news well.  Little did I know that I would end up doing IVF myself.  Since then over 8 million babies have been born worldwide, 8 million miracles and I am forever grateful for my own miracle boy.

He is everything to me.

X

[Turia]

I am writing your birthday letter very late this year – it’s Christmas Eve!  We were all full of coughs and colds after your birthday and then it’s been Christmas Holiday and the run up to Christmas since.

This has been a tough year and I am reminded constantly of the fragility of life.  So it is important that you know that life is not just about birthday presents, Christmas presents or the almost weekly request for a toy or comic.  Life is about love and about family.  You are a very lucky boy, you are loved by so many and your family will always be there for you.  My heart melts each day when you tell me that you love me, or that you love cuddles with me – I hope that this continues.  But know how much you are truly loved, I struggle to even find the words to express our deep, deep bond.

But life is also about wonder, discovery and magic.  I love helping you learn and explore and I love when your eyes open wide as you discover something new.  Hold onto that sense of wonder, hold onto that magic, always believe in Santa Claus.  There is so much wrong in the world, so much injustice and sadness but there is also so much joy, laughter - even if through tears – so much good and kindness with people just helping each other out.  I hope that you are always part of that world, the world of compassion, the world of kind-heartedness….a world where magic still happens.

Love
Mummy x

(Copied from my writings in "Our Story", the annual diary that I will keep for Baby T until he is 18)

[Turia]

I’m so fed up with the pain.

It’s another sleepless night.  The pain has been there since the wee man was born but every now and then it goes through a bad patch.  I’ve been in this bad patch since Hogmanay.  I can just about cope during the day but lying down is so bad, I dread going to bed and am so jealous of tv characters that just jump into bed and pull the covers up, night night.

I try to keep going and not let it interfere with being a mummy, but every day is a struggle. Chronic pain, a full time job, house and 4 year old is a lot to manage especially when tiredness becomes a factor too.

I’m also in a catch 22.  Pain limits activity so exercise is down and weight is up causing even more pain.  It’s a cycle I can’t seem to break out of.

I’m sorry for the pity fest but it wears me down sometimes...

Turia x

[Turia]

Thank you to my European donor.

Thank you to my European doctor and medical team.

Thank you for my European miracle.

This is so sad. 

[Turia]

Things I put up with as a mum - Part 1 (this could be the start of a long list)

• Always being late when I used to be always early or timed to perfection
  
• Never ironing my clothes before work - now if the marks are not too obvious it is good to go

• Having 10 minutes for make up and dressing before going out the door
  
• Being blamed for keeping everyone waiting when it was me that had to get everyone and everything ready

There seems to be a underlying theme here already...

And the ultimate from the weekend?

The wee guy got to use a sharp knife yesterday to chop all the courgettes, peppers and mushrooms for a big batch of vegetable lasagne.  I took the knife off him as I turned away to rinse the mushrooms, then suddenly realised he was very quiet.  Turned round to find....

He was licking all the bits of peppers before putting them back in the dish 

At least his hands were clean 

(And I had to just go ahead and use the peppers  )

[Turia]

Day 1 of social isolation
Wee man is 9 days short of 4 and a half.

My OH has been home working since Tuesday, I’ve been in full crisis response mode for over a week (I manage a charity), but now I will be doing it all from home.  And of course the nurseries are now closed.

This morning as we cuddled the wee guy announced that we were lucky to have a garden and live next to a wood as trees don’t get Coronavirus.  He is no longer my innocent baby 

But by 4pm....he announces “I’m only good for nursery teachers” as we wonder if it is too early to open the wine 🍷.  Then he suggested, “maybe Santa could send back his elf, he kept me good”.

So we wrote a letter to Santa and fingers crossed that elf on the shelf reappears overnight 

[Turia]

Wee man is 4 years, 7 months and a week old.

For all those 4 years, 7 months and extra week, there has been a wall sticker of a large tree in the wee guys’ bedroom.  Actually even longer as I remember sitting in the chair, cradling bump whilst Grandad put up the stickers.

The scene did change.  Over a year ago, the tree lost its’s baby deer, squirrel, bear, hedgehog and bunny rabbit.  Instead dinosaurs took their place at the bottom of the tree.

But now all innocence has gone.  Woodland animals and dinosaurs have been replaced by Lego Ninjago.  Now Lord Garmaddon and brandished sword stare over at me.

Tomorrow the woodland theme curtains come down to be replaced by fairly neutral stars 🌟

My baby is growing up so fast.

Turia x