Life with Biggles diary and everyone and everything else! 😉😂

[jdm4tth3ws]

My mum died today of coronavirus at 15.20. She died with me and my eldest son there with her.

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[jdm4tth3ws]

So the funeral is nearly all arranged. Just waiting on 2 people to write a short piece on her. However if I haven't received them by tomorrow, its too bad.

So she will be going in to Shakin' All Over-Jihnny Kidd and the Pirates.
Then welcome from the celebrant
Then the poem Stop All the Clocks W.H Auden
Then an in

[jdm4tth3ws]

Then other peoples paragraph inc my husband. We did manage to record him singing tragedy (steps version) in Donald Duck.
His paragraph leads to his recording. She made him promise time and time again, he would do that for her at her funeral. Or she would haunt him!

Then my eulogy. And You've lost that lovin feeling, Righteous brothers.

Then closing speech and committal to Nothing Compares 2 U - Snead O Connor..

No wake. Even if I just invited my son and his fiancee back, because were in UK, the kids are included in the numbers. So thats 5 leady. You're only allowed 6 Peopleton a wake.

I was going to have a MUM wreath. However  she stipulated no wreaths, only a single red rose from anyone who cares. So a bouquet of red roses from me.

I'm also mindful of the fact, the crem asks you to take your flowers home now, due to covid. Who wants a big MUM wreath sat in their living room? So not practical.

I have my friend over the road coming in to sit X (Biggles).I have checked guidance and I am allowed to have her in my home as my informal childcare, as long as we are not present. Which we won't be

 I have ummed and aahed over whether he should go and eventually it came down to hes nearly two, he wants to run around and mess about and touch things. Probably NOT the wisest move to take him.  The other three boys are attending. A wants a suit. J is going in a black onesie and C is wearing comfortable clothes. Mum also said we should all come as we are, no fancy dressing up. So I'm following her rules.

I'm unsure on self isolation guidance. Cant remember whether the woman said we were legally bound to self isolate UNTIL 11/01 or AFTER 11/01. It know its 10 days. And today is the tenth day. But unsure if I can

[jdm4tth3ws]

 ;Dhaving trouble with this diary. It gets to a certain point and won't let me type.

I am unsure if I can go out today or whether its tomorrow. Staying indoors for 1 more day to be safe. Even though we've ran out of whiskey and coke and 2 mugs of that was getting me through the days. No, I'm not an alcoholic. It just helps smooths put the edges when I'm stressed (like now) and helps my gems (I bite down and clench when stressed). Whiskey and coke is working better than pain killers. Only one more day till I can go shopping. Pretend life is normal.......

[jdm4tth3ws]

Struggling. I miss my mum. And I check in with my eldest on Skype, and I ask him how he is? Is he coping? Is he okay? No-one thinks to ask me if I'm okay? No-one ask how I am. Probably because I'm the Fixer. I run around, making all the arrangements, organising people, organising everything else. So I must be doing okay, right? No need to ask if I'm alright. Well, I'm not. And thats okay. Days are a struggle, nights even more so. But, maybe tomorrow will still be a struggle, but it might be slightly less of a struggle.or it may be worse than today. But one day, I might actually smile and that smile might be in my eyes as well as my mouth. I am heartbroken 💔  and I say the right things. She died and it the natural order. Parent dies before child. Accepted natural order. Not like my SIDS baby
 Thats not the natural order of things. And I got through that. I didn't have kids then and I hit the bottle big time for about 18 months
 Until I saw, one morning, just how old and haggard I looked and I stopped drinking ...... Just Like That (thanks Tommy Cooper), now I can't press self destruct. Too many people dependent on me. So now what. I gave my son the number for samaritans. He hasn't used it.

I know what set me off. After 10 days of isolation, foods were at all time low. So I took my 13 yr old shopping with me. He needed a "suit " for the funeral. We walked past the lucozade bottles and I nearly put 7 in the trolley and then realised she's not here to drink it. And walked past the lucozade. Stupid really. I also didn't buy a TV mag or lottery or instants. 5hat was weird also. And triggers. Its just hard. And then I feel bad, for feeling this grief as other people have it worse than me. I should just pull myself by my boot straps and get on with it. But I'm hurting and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob. I want a cuddle from my mum and her tell me, everything's going to be okay. She was my mu, and she sometimes wound me up something chronic, but she was also my best supporter, a fierce adversary for my 'enemies' and my best friend. I feel lost.

I miss my mum.