Fertility Friends Support Forum banner

in a panic

4K views 13 replies 9 participants last post by  Teeinparis 
#1 ·
i have a son who is 9 weeks 6 days old actual. He was born a month early so is classed as 5 weeks. He is donor egg and donor sperm. I have obstatric cholestasis really bad and thats why he came early.


We tried for 2 years and 19 rounds of treatment to get our son. I have a 3 year old oe/os daughter. My husband and i went to hell and back ttc number 2.


my boy has missed his milestone for eye contact and smiling. yesterday i saw a hv who said 35 weeks isnt premature and to go back in 2 weeks if im still worried. Im terified. My worst case scenario was having baby 2 and him having a mental illness and wishing we hadnt had him. Im at that place now. I cant cope with autism. Ive seen my friend cope with it in her son and i just cant. I feel ive had 2 minutes of happiness when he arrived and now im so stressed i cant eat, have a bad stomach and cant sleep. The doctor wont do anything until 11 weeks so im booking an appointment and im cancelling his MMR incase that makes it worse. My husband has just admitted baby has the symptoms of autism and has said its all my fault. I suppose it is as he would have stopped with baby 1 but i couldn't. he just says we knew we were taking a risk when we had another baby but no one thinks its going to happen.  i dont know what to do next. i cant live like this just waiting and waiting. my poor daughter. what have i done to her. life just feels too hard and i want out except i have to be here for my daughter. i dont know how to cope.



 
See less See more
#2 ·
Hi KLconfused

5 weeks is still early, my baby started smiling a day or two before she turned six weeks. Your son is still tiny and symptoms of autism don't become apparent until much, much later (around the time they get the MMR vaccine).

xx
 
#3 ·
Hi KL - so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Smiling is definitely a milestone that needs to be adjusted for being born early, even by a few weeks. Your HV is right that a month early isn't a health concern as it can be for babies born before 34 weeks, but it should still be factored in for weight and milestones at this early age. When you say he isn't making eye contact is he fixing and following? There's such a wide age range for milestones and it's much to soon to draw any conclusions.

I don't want to play down your concerns, but I found it harder to recognise early smiles with my second. I was remembering those big gummy grins of an older baby and early smiles can be very fleeting. But more than likely he'll be smiling soon. I know that might not help with feeling overwhelmed - do you think there's any possibility you have some postnatal depression? Or having difficulty adjusting to 2 or are very sleep deprived? If there's anything underlying like that it makes everything else seem impossible to deal with. Having had my second a few months ago and with several friends who have also had their second most of us have found it harder than we expected for various reasons. Guilt about an older child was very common. And it also puts a lot more strain on your relationship early on, although I think what your husband has said to you about fault is unnecessary and unhelpful to say the least.

Also to say MMR isn't until a year old so it's worth waiting until then to decide what to do. The earlier vaccinations are different, you've probably already had the first lot as they arent adjusted for prematurity and the second ones aren't as bad.
 
#4 ·
Hi KL, didn't want to read and run.
Big hugs to you, sounds like you have some baby blues and your mind is running away with itself and your questioning everything. You obviously have anxiety about the chance of health problems and are looking for this instead of enjoying your new baby. It is far too early to see if there are any health problems, please try to relax and enjoy your new baby.
 
#5 ·
Hi KL, it really is too early to come to that conclusion. Research suggests that autism can be picked up as early was 9 months and that is by a highly training professional. Most children are nearly two before they are even assessed. Nine weeks (or 5 weeks) really is too soon. Please stop worrying and blaming yourself.
 
#6 ·
thanks ladies. i am definitley sleep deprived. i just feel something is wrong but i dont know what. I saw the GP this morning as he has a rash all over his body and head. She has given me stuff for exzema but it may be milk intolerance and check again in a few days. I have got myself in a complete tizz and i know its early days. My daughter was sat with her brother and calling his name and asking him to look at her and there was just no reaction at all. it broke my heart. today the GP clapped by his ears and no reaction. I dont know. Maybe its just too early to tell. He is 6 weeks adjusted now and so i guess the next few weeks will tell. I also have lost all confidence in my decisions. I get told im paranoid when i think the worst will happen but it does. It would be so typical for me to have a poorly child even when the odds are against it. ive not eaten for 2 days and am struggling to sleep. its the frustration of going from waiting for IVF all the time now to waiting to see how my son develops. Sometimes i wish i had just been happy with 1 baby. I just feel so emotionally fragile from years of IVF that i have no capacity to take any more worries. i hope that makes sense. my husband did apologise for saying it was my fault but i suppose it is as i was the one who insisted on trying for number 2. but then its also my fault we have our wonderful daughter and thats the best thing ive ever done. thanks for your kind words. 
 
#7 ·
KL it really is too early to tell hun. Did the GP not offer any reassurance? If it helps when my DS was a similar age we worried he may have hearing problems because of his lack of response to noises. Could you maybe speak to your HV about your own wellbeing? Not eating and sleeping will be having a big impact on your emotionally wellbeing having just had a baby.  ^hugme^
 
#8 ·
Hi KL
I think your thoughts are in overdrive just now due to lack of sleep and it does sound like you might have some anxiety and possibly post natal depression. Babies born from 37 weeks onwards are classed as full term. Less than that counts as premature though bigger age adjustments come at 34 and below there can still be issues at 35 and 36 weeks. Your HV was wrong. I am a midwife.
It is also too early to diagnose developmental problems and expect a baby to respond to his sister. Do try to get some sleep and try to eat regularly as that will help. And be kind to yourself. Your HV should be checking you as well as baby x
 
#9 ·
Oh sweetheart be kind to yourself!!!! 

A friend who has an only child via IVF was told by a Dr that there are issues with only children as they need siblings ....  so you can't bloody well win for losing. 

As others have said - self-care.  I would get the best sleep from 9pm-1 am with my DD and My husband would deal with anything during that time. 

The study with all the MMR and Autism was actually faked.  The guy who did it actually got struck off the register for scientific fraud. 

You cannot be diagnosed until about 2.  And it really depends on the spectrum as you know.  You will love your baby no matter what and get through it all! 

Are you breastfeeding or doing formula?  If there are allergies or issues you can control your diet or type of formula so try to concentrate on what you can control. 

Much love and prayers for you.  You can do this and know your husband is just under the strain, pressure and sleep deprivation and knows he is being daft!
 
#10 ·
KL sleep deprivation does crazy things to your thinking patterns.  I really think this is coming from you (and your other half) He's a premature baby give him time.  As the others have said he's far too young to be concerned about development unless he's not feeding and totally unconnected to the outside world.  If he's crying for feeds, feeding and pooping I'd not worry yet.  I'm presuming his hearing was checked? 
TCCx
 
#11 ·
cherry - was your son OK in the end?


Thanks everyone for your sensible words. Its really helped. Id much rather there was a problem with me than my little boy.
The GP was reassuring but i know what its like to be fobbed off only to get bad news later on. I guess we all do as thats how we end up doing IVF. The HV just set me in a right tizz saying he wasnt premature. I am struggling and think i need to see the GP for me. I just feel like its all a bit of a disaster at the moment. Ive been through tough times before and come out of them and been fine so i will again. Its just not what i hoped for for the early days with baby 2.
 
#12 ·
Hi again KL, it definitely sounds like a good idea to talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling. In my experience screening for postnatal depression isn't as good as it could be, but if you raise it yourself it would be taken seriously. Even if it's just having someone to discuss things with and them recognising your anxieties need to be dealt with properly in these early weeks and months.

As far as the hearing goes there's a newborn screening programme now so his hearing should have been checked already. Have a look on p27 of his red book xx
 
#13 ·
Hi KLconfused, I'm really pleased to hear you are thinking of going to the GP because as Mercury said, even if it's just to have someone to discuss things with. I had a lot of anxieties when my DS was a baby and it really helped me to have someone to talk to. My son was fine in the end hun.


As you said you will get through this and just remember to keep talking  ^hugme^  ^hugme^
 
#14 ·
Okay - the home visitor is crap!  He is premature.  Pre-term term is 37 weeks.  Term 39 weeks and post term term 41.  Before 37 is def premature. 
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top