* Author Topic: Can I do this?? I'm not sure...  (Read 73538 times)

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Offline EssieJean

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Can I do this?? I'm not sure...
« on: 1/12/16, 19:23 »
Hi ladies,

Not been on FF since my last loss in February, 3rd ectopic - cornual ectopic.  Life has been miserable, still is. Physically I think I've pretty much recovered, mentally and emotionally, not quite.

I want to pour out my heart at this stage but the post would be way too long so I'm really trying to focus here  ::)

Basically DH and I can't decide whether to try again; we've made pros and cons lists, gone away to try and come to a decision countless times, tried living life as a childless couple and I use the term 'living' loosely as quite frankly we haven't done much of that, I'm in counselling which has opened a can of worms and confused me even more.

Age - this is a biggy.  we've never had children so very much stuck in our ways. I crave change but at the same time afraid of it. I'm afraid of standing still but also afraid of moving forward  ^idiot^  We're both scared of being old parents and bringing up a child in our 70's but still want a family . I feel so exhausted all the time I can't see myself being able to cope. IF has destroyed the person I was and I wonder whether I will ever see her again. I have panic attacks at the thought of going out anywhere other than work and can feel myself desperately thinking of an excuse as soon as I'm invited anywhere.  I suspect the exhaustion comes from my depressive state, years of trying, physical and emotional pain... I just feel like I constantly have a heavy rucksack on my back. But the nit being able to go out..that's a new one on me  :(

Health - DH terrified of losing me after my last dangerous ectopic. He's terrified, as am I, of going to that first scan. We've spent so many times at the local epu only to hear those dreaded words..I'm sorry it's not good news.  Oh, tears fall down my face now at the memories and the thought if that happening again  :'( :'(

Moving on.... we change our minds from day to day, one day we say we'll do it although the excitement isn't there as previous cycles, the next day we're scared to death at the prison to if the above.  It's torturous and my brain hurts as this has been going on for months, all the changing of minds.

My parents have very kindly offered to fund a cycle..I know this is what they want more than anything.. family life hasn't been a happy one with lots of family stuff going on which I won't get into here. As we've spent well over 40 grand on private paying cycles this will go a long way to alleviate some of the stress.

Where we are now.. I came up with the idea of booking dates for another cycle and as it gets nearer, gauge how we feel about it..whether we feel excited again and enthused or whether the very thought terrifies us or I decide I just can't put myself through it anymore.. at the moment I feel nervous because we're really forcing ourselves to make a decision either way. I just didn't want to be passing yet another birthday and then having to start if we wanted to go ahead. This way, there'll be no delay.

I really appreciate anybody reading this and any views you may have.  We feel so lost at sea, isolated. I can't tell friends or work colleagues about what we are thinking because I'm not sure if the reaction.   I know no one can make the decision for us but it's helped me being able to write some of my thoughts down.

I guess I'm just looking for support and encouraging words.....

Hugs and good luck to all

Essie xx

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    Offline Clara01

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    « Reply #1 on: 1/12/16, 19:44 »
    Essie  ^hugme^ I just wanted to send you a HUGE hug! I have followed your story and I am so truly sorry for all the pain you had to face in this horrible journey.  :-[ I feel for you. Like you, I cannot imagine my life without children and yet I feel like I am too old and maybe even too bitter... it's a bit like.... like I have "lost my train" (not sure if my words do make sense as I am Italian, sorry).  :P DH and I decided to stop last year... we were too brokenhearted. But now that both my parents are ill... I just have to try one last time and hope with all my heart.  ^pray^ I do not want to look back and regret not having tried one more time.  ^idiot^ I bet your poor DH is terrified of losing you, but maybe your should get this new chance your parents are kindly offering you?  :) Of course, only you and DH knows what's right for you.  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ Best of Luck!

    Offline Maria00

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    « Reply #2 on: 1/12/16, 19:58 »
     I'm so sorry to have read of the heartache you've endured but I wish the best of luck and much joy in your future!  ^hugme^

    Offline Altai

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    « Reply #3 on: 1/12/16, 21:52 »
    I am so sorry for what you've going through.
    Hopefully you'll find strength to make a decision you'd be at peace  with.
    Have ever thought about surrogacy? I've seen and  read that Ukrainian clinics very reasonably priced.
    Could it be an option for you?
     Wishing you all the best



    Offline bundles

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    « Reply #4 on: 1/12/16, 22:07 »
    Essie my lovely  ^hugme^ I want to say it's good to see you back, but you know what I mean. You also know what I think and you know that I will be with you every step of the way if you decide to continue  ^hugme^ There are some people that should have children, and you are definitely one of them. I think booking it & then seeing how you feel is a good idea. Where would you go ? Back to Gennet ?
    Re being old, they don't come much older than me  ;)  I will be 52 in a couple of weeks. DD is now at school & DS is running me ragged but I wouldn't have it any other way. I watched a docu on menopause the other day & apparently we need less sleep then anyway !! I think any physical issues (for me stiff joints) are far outweighed by the love and experience you will give your children. Obviously I can't go back & have them 10 years younger but would I do it again, knowing how I feel now ? Hell yes, in an instant !! You do cope, and you're rewarded every day for coping which makes it easier to do even more. It is a labour of love, literally. However, I am known for my over-enthusiasm (as a typical Sagittarius  ::) ) and I'm aware that only you can know if you could cope with the actual toll of cycling again. But I do know that plenty here will have your back  ^hugme^

    Big hugs xxx

    PS I will get around to replying, it's been mad x

    Offline EssieJean

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    « Reply #5 on: 4/12/16, 20:58 »
    Thank you ladies  ^hugme^

    Clara..thank you for your kind words..I'm sorry you've had to read my story without a happy ending... yet (maybe).  I'm sorry for your suffering too.  It's so hard isn't it when you feel time has passed you by, watching friends have children and move on with their lives while you stay the same still yearning for a child but having to accept that it may not happen. Those months where we tried living with the thought of being childless were the most sombre and griefstricken times. I asked myself (still do) what's the point of me? Why am I here? I've done the same job for 30 years and I'm not sure I can do anything else. IVF has stripped me of my confidence. The years ahead scare me to death if this is it.  You're right about not having regrets and if my parents are offering to fund may be that's happened for a reason  ::). Good luck with your next cycle.. I really do hope it is the one and that your parents' health improves so they can enjoy their grandchild.. Thank you Clara.. oh and your words do make sense, your English is perfect  ;)

    Thank you Maria .. hope all is well with you ^hugme^

    Altai, thank you too.  Yes we've thought about adoption and surrogacy..although Ive gone through the grief of not being able to have a biological child and accepted that some time should, I feel surrogacy for me is a step too much.. it wasn't dismissed immediately and I do appreciate your suggestion. Looks like you've been on quite a journey yourself.. I'm not sure from your signature whether you're cycling, but all the best on your journey  ^hugme^

    Hey Bundles  :) Haha yes I know exactly what you think  ;D And regarding age, well, Bundles your superwoman, you're a top act to follow  ;D. I do really appreciate, as you know, your input and I'm really grateful for your kind words and encouragement.  It is the fear of being in my 60's and 70's with a teen, and the fact all my cousins' children are all grown up and having children themselves!! Yes we'd go back to Gennet. I did think about serum because of its reputation, but if we do go ahead then I need to be somewhere familiar to take the pressure off, besides I know I can get pregnant and as I've said before there's no cure for ectopic, so I think it's a numbers game for us and changing clinic wouldn't benefit us. I do feel that part of the exhaustion is having this hang over our heads for so long..perhaps if/when we start tx our energy and enthusiasm will follow  ::)  ^hugme^

    Xx

    Offline Miss Sunshine22

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    « Reply #6 on: 4/12/16, 21:20 »
    Hi Essie

    Huge  ^hugme^ to you.  You have been through so much, it's no wonder you are conflicted. It's such a tough and difficult decision that only you will know the answer to. However, the fact that you have tried to move on, came back to asking yourself "shall we try again?" and booked a cycle that you may or may not do, indicates to me that you're definitely not in the "no more" camp, if that makes sense? My thoughts are, if you were definitely saying "no more", these would not be questions you would be asking of yourself. So, you have doubts .... but if you were to not go ahead, would these doubts persist for life or go away?

    As for age, I know how you feel, as I worry about that too. However, I then think about all the uncertainties in life (eg some lose their parents at a very young age, your health can decline at any age) so I think there's no point worrying about a future I can't control and whether age will impact on things. DHs Mum was 45 yrs old when she had him, and she is a healthy 88 yr old now. On the other hand, I had a school friend who tragically lost both her parents (who were in their 40s) due to illness before she was 16 yrs old.

    I hope you find the right answers for you  ^hugme^

    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #7 on: 5/12/16, 10:13 »
    Essie sweetheart - I have also followed your story with sorrow, and I feel so sad for you. Like Bundles says, you are meant to be  a mum, you have just had a load of grief getting there. I am so glad you are feeling better healthwise. Whatever you decide to do is the right decision for you, don't rush a decision. I don't think there's any harm into looking into another cycle but don't put pressure on yourself.
    As for age, we older mums have lots to give - experience, security, love +++ after all, it's taken us a lot longer to get there and a lot more thought put into it. Don't worry too much about the age. Obviously I've thought long and hard about it, and if I could have done, would have had children earlier, but was never lucky in meeting my soulmate, that's why I made the difficult decision to go it alone - though I live in hope of meeting him some day! My mum was 38 when she had me and 40 when she had my sister, and my dad was 7 years older than her. My grandparents - 3 lived to 92 and one was 83. My mum is now a relatively fit 87 year old and her sister a very active 90! So it can happen. I'll do my best to be as fit as possible. I run around after my toddler at groups more than some of the younger mums! And I can still get on the floor with him!
    As you can see from my profile, I had DS at 47, 46 when I had the cycle, and now have a sibling this October, my beautiful Ice Princess from a FET from same cycle as DS. I was 48 when had the cycle, 49 when gave birth to DD. And I still have 2 frosties in storage so may even go back for them! It's hard juggling a toddler and new baby, but it would be whatever the age.
    Don't let age put you off trying, although I know you have lots of other decisions to make.
    Good luck and I hope to be reading a positive story for you soon!
    Deb

    Offline DippyGirl

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    « Reply #8 on: 5/12/16, 12:21 »
    Essie  I have had a similar experiences to you, etc on and off since 2002, my last ever final, goodbye FET resulted in a BFP and then a heartbeat and then a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  it was a massive shock and for me to actually get the BFP and it is difficult to walk away after getting so close to something that I have given my all to try to achieve all these years.  I liken walking away from ttc as similar to walking away from a romance where the other party keeps leaving you for someone else and breaking your heart, at some stage you just have to walk away, you have to stop before it completely destroys your heart, you have to walk away because you feel stupid for taking them back every single time.  Self preservation.... probably completely natural reaction and we all have to stop at some stage but ....

    Reading your post it does sound like this really would be the final ever make or break last cycle.... it is wonderful of your parents to offer to fund a cycle.  If you did the cycle and it worked and you got your baby, how would you feel?  If you did the cycle and it ended badly would you really feel any worse than you do now?

    is it possible that you and DH could muster one last puff of ttc breath and just flipping go for it?  One last final try? but all the time maybe working with your counsellor about your plan B life? get a dog to take on walks, help you to get through 2ww and beyond?  there is something about that last shot, you know you are done with ivf so that you are almost looking forward to just getting it over with and getting on with your life?  who knows?  maybe this will be the one?  either way nobody can ever say you didn't try your best and some. xxx

    Offline Coolish

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    « Reply #9 on: 5/12/16, 16:29 »
    Essie - sending you hugs. Please don't worry about being an older mum. I've always had more energy than my NCT group and they were between 10 and 20 years younger than me. Most people I went to school with have several grandkids now. That used to really depress me on social media.

    Would a bit of investigation help? You mention Serum but that Gennet would be familiar so take the pressure off. Why not contact Serum and see is Penny could offer any advice. There's a wealth of info on here about Serum and Athens that took the pressure off changing clinics for me. But go with what you feel will give you the best chances - certainly the less stress the better.

    It's so hard to try and pick yourself up after what you and DH have been through xx