* Author Topic: Can I do this?? I'm not sure...  (Read 73634 times)

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Offline mandalay

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Can I do this?? I'm not sure...
« Reply #10 on: 5/12/16, 19:11 »
Just wanted to say the same as the other ladies and wish you well. You are blessed with a loving partner and supportive parents. I hope 2017 will be your year xx

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    Offline EssieJean

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    « Reply #11 on: 5/12/16, 21:16 »
    Thank you all for your supportive and encouraging replies, which I've read over and over.  its also nice to see some familiar names, though would prefer us all to be chatting on the pregnancy boards....

    Miss Sunshine..yes you are making sense, if I was in the no more camp I'm sure I would know for certain, without doubt.  Waivering, trying to decide perhaps is indicative that I do really want to do another cycle but it's the fear of losing again, another ectopic, more than age that worries me... oh I don't know, I have a tendency to fast forward in situations where I'm afraid and look too far into the future..I need to learn to reign myself in to the present day and live in the moment.  You make a good point about age. That is so true. I need to hold onto that.  I hope you get your BFP soon  ^hugme^ EDIT: just seen you're on 2ww.. good luck for 14th  ^pray^

    Hi Debs.. whenever I need a bit of encouragement about having a baby in late 40's your posts are those I seek out. I think you're amazing and such an inspiration.  I think for me personally it comes down to confidence, and that's been chipped away over the years. I have no doubt I have a heart full of love to give and being a Capricorn I'm quite stubborn and would make it my life's work to make sure I do the best job possible (I'm actually sighing as I type that - it's the mental exhaustion).  It's been almost a year since our last treatment so it's the longest I've gone between cycles..I think I'm finding it harder to get back on the rollercoaster and finding it hard to ever think we could ever get a different outcome. I need a huge dollop of self belief!  ::). Your LO's sound like they keep you on your toes and still you think of going back for FET.. that's so great..you do make me see how different my life could be and in a good way.. perhaps it's a leap of faith I need to take.. ^hugme^

    Dippygirl, I'm sorry you've suffered such painful losses..and yes it is like walking away from a one-way romance. Mr Essie read your post and it struck a chord with him too and said it is a good way of putting it. We've returned to treatment so many times and with each loss it's taken longer to heal.. I think that's why I'm struggling so much now. And I'm fearful of how long (if ever) it will take my heart and body to recover if I lose another pregnancy.  It concerns me that there is nothing different I can do, am I just setting myself up for another loss?? Oh how angry we would be if it happened again.. you mention self preservation, I think that's where I'm at now, but with the desire to still have a family..confused.com.  If we did cycle and it worked we would be elated beyond words, still scared, but who isn't.  The thought brings a soft smile to my face.. If it failed, I would just feel as I have for the last several years, but then I would have to give myself closure because I just can't carry on living as I have.. well, not living, just existing. Mr Essie and I deserve better than just existing so I would have to take deep breaths and get on with it.  I would prefer the former scenario.. Thank you Dippy for taking the time to respond  ^hugme^  I'm not sure where you're at but hope your journey ends with your ultimate dream  ^hugme^

    Hi Cooljules, another familiar FF  :) Seeing friends and family my age with grandkids is a bitter pill to swallow.. I feel angry that I wasn't able to have children when they did so we could all grow together.. now if any cycle was to work my child would be younger than their children's children!! Perhaps those things shouldn't be dwelled upon.  Like Debs you also inspire me.  I honestly don't think anymore investigative procedures would help me. I had another hysteroscopy in July, under GA, and they found nothing, in fact they said everything looked normal. They couldn't do a biopsy because my womb was "too dry", but they didn't think they would find anything that would explain the ectopics as there just isn't anything you can do to prevent them.  That was the frustrating bit..Mr Essie and I both said as we walked into hospital that we prayed they would find something wrong. At least then it could be treated. Or to be told I couldn't possibly carry a baby..as hard as it would be, we would have closure.  I don't seem to have a problem getting pregnant, just keeping it. I was found with Lupus Anti Coagulant so I'm  treated for that, but nothing else has been detected although tested for.  I do think though that going back to a Gennet is best thing for us stress wise...in my situation I think if it's going to work it'll work anywhere..I'm of the thinking it's a numbers game with me, although I know everyone's situation is different. 

    Mandalay, thank you for your reply. Mr Essie is always chuffed when he gets a mention  ;) and yes for him and my parents I am blessed  ^hugme^ All the best to you too..

    Thanks all of you lovely ladies. I've not been on for a while so forgive my ramblings..your posts really help me to think things through  ^hugme^

    Essie xx

    Offline rubyring

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    « Reply #12 on: 11/12/16, 17:00 »
    Hi EssieJean,
    I am more of a lurker than a poster but wanted to reply.


    I remember reading about your horrible experience and wondering how you were. I'm so sorry. As you can see from my signature I had some pretty bad times myself back in 2010. I managed to get a severe pelvic infection probably from the egg collection. I had/have an endometrioma on/in my right ovary which they think was caught at egg collection and basically spiralled into this huge infection. Not helped by the low dose steroids I was on and the endo I apparently have. I can totally relate about your DH being scared, mine is too. I'm glad to hear that physically things are much better for you. I remember being told to wait a year by doctors. Even after a year I thought I was OK but still tired very easily. It really took about 2 years for me to recover. I didn't really realise how ill I had been.


    So I was forced to have lots of time before moving to DE. I shouldn't worry too much about waiting a year, if you need the time then take it. It's nice to step away for a bit I think.
    I questioned DE - is it ethical for me to ask someone to have EC when I got so ill? In the end I was reassured that no donor would be allowed to donate if they had an endometrioma. I hope that's true. My DH wasn't happy about DE, still isn't very happy. You are lucky your DH sounds to be with you on all of this which is wonderful. It took me until 2014 to manage to get to a consultation with my DH in Spain. I had already had a consultation on my own here in London, and things were not good between us. I think he finally gave in because he could see I wasn't going to give up and he didn't want me to resent him if I couldn't try. He's worried, as am I, when do you say that's enough? I hope I'll know. But also my age is very soon going to be a problem - I'm 49, and after 50 most clinics won't treat you.


    I worry about my age with treatment, with a pregnancy, and of course as a parent. I can't imagine it! Even writing that was hard. And my DH is older. Maybe I'm being ridiculous even still trying. I often feel ridiculous. But again you're fortunate having your DH and parents support.


    One thing I wanted to suggest. I know going back to the same clinic is easy and familiar. But maybe a change would be good? I personally wouldn't go to Serum - I know there are many on FF who have had success and love the clinic, but it just doesn't sound right for me - I don't want tons of antibiotics and I definitely don't want immune treatment!
    I've changed clinics, I just got the feeling my old clinic had no suggestions other than try again. I couldn't have surgery for hydrosalpinx due to all my previous surgery, and then the clinic didn't think the essure device was a good idea either! So I couldn't get any sense out of them. They did get me pregnant though which is still amazing to me, and there are many glowing reports here on FF. But I'm now going through Ruth Pellow at IVF Treatment Abroad. So I would suggest sending her an email and then having a chat with her on the phone. I'm sure you wouldn't be obliged to go any further if you didn't want to, and she's very easy to talk to. Sometimes a change is good? It's interesting that the drugs protocol is slightly different this time, who knows if the results will be any better!
    Good luck xx




     
     


    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #13 on: 12/12/16, 20:15 »
    Thanks Essie for your kind words. It is rewarding parenting two little ones, but sometimes exhausting, but I don't regret it. I just hope all you lovely ladies get the chance to be the wonderful mummies you will be! Friends and colleagues all think I look so much younger, fitter and happier - so it does have its positives! When James smiles and giggles, I just love it, and Lydia is such a calm baby and already smiles at me! She has her 1st immunisations next Tuesday so dreading that!
    Deb

    Offline miamiamo

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    « Reply #14 on: 15/12/16, 13:02 »
    I am sorry to know yr story and I am sure yr time will come soon. I can't see in yr signat, but have you been recommended doing PGD/ PGS NGS? Patricularly in the situation when you have experienced BFN and ectopic. All the luck in the world on yr journey x

    Offline EssieJean

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    « Reply #15 on: 16/12/16, 18:38 »
    Hi ladies,

    Hi Rubyring, thank you for your message of support. I'm so sorry to hear about your painful journey and being so ill. It's difficult to express to anyone outside of the IVF world how scary and painful it really is. It's sad that it's only those that have gone through similar experiences who can really understand what you are going through. That's why FF is so great, just a shame that there are so many of us  :(

    It will be a year in February since my last loss so by April my body should have recovered suitably if we decide to go ahead. Oh how I wish I could shake the fear of the age thing, sounds silly when there are so many other aspects to be afraid of that age is the one that's at the forefront of my mind. I am really really trying to get onboard Debs way of thinking though!  ;)

    Regarding DE, it shows you're a thoughtful considerate person to think about putting someone through EC when you got so ill after your experience, but these wonderful ladies have chosen that decision armed with a wealth of information and knowing what the process involves. Nothing can prepare you of course as every treatment is different to each individuals experience. I didn't have a choice as to DE sadly.  I suppose I've been spared having to go through EC though.  I grieved for a while for my biological child and admittedly if I think about it still feel sad, I guess that will always be there, but once I got a BFP that was it, I didn't think of it being DE, it was just my baby 100% and that was how DH felt too.  In IVF the bond is made much sooner than a naturally conceived child, irrespective of whether it's DE or OE, because it literally starts from day 1.  DH initially had his concerns about DE but they didn't last and totally vanished on our first BFP. He's very supportive. I'm extremely lucky.  He's seen what I've put my body through physically and emotionally, and I appreciate what he's been through emotionally, trying to keep everything together for my sake.

    I think you will know when enough is enough, but not until you're 'there' if you know what I mean. With this decision now being so difficult I know if we do go ahead, it will be our last sadly. We've agreed on that. The problem I will have is if we have eggs to freeze... I know from past experience when we've decided not to freeze we've changed our mind at the last minute. I can't bear to think of eggs being wasted, it will be hard, but if it's to be the last try then that's what we will have to do.

    I totally hear you about being an older parent. I can't imagine it either. I can't even imagine being pregnant now! Our lives have been the same for so many years now it's hard to imagine it any other way.

    We have thought some more about changing clinics but come to the decision that if it's going to work it'll work no matter where I am and we do feel a strong pull to Prague.  I've spoken to various consultants and they all say the same,that they can't give any guarantees. With ectopics especially, there are no preventative measures, although I have requested if we go ahead a few tweaks such as placing only one embryo instead of two, placing it lower in the womb and using less fluid to minimise drifting.

    I hope your new clinic comes up with the goods!! Everyone deserves to be a mummy if they want. All the best and good luck  ^pray^ I'd like to know how you get on.

    Debs, I certainly like the sound of those positives!! Lol How did a Lydia get on with her first immunisations? I bet she took matters in her stride, just like her mummy  :)

    Hi Miamiamo, thank you for your message. I'm not sure that PGD is used on donor eggs but I will enquire. Nit heard if NGS, what is that? Hope all well with you.

    Essie xx

    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #16 on: 16/12/16, 23:13 »
    Essie - bless you, you are one strong lady - I totally understand your concerns about being an older mum - I worried about it too, and I wondered about being pregnant in my late 40s but thankfully I had problem free pregnancies, and actually enjoyed them once I got past the early months. We older ladies have so much to offer our little ones. Lydia has her immunisations on Tuesday so thanks for your good wishes, I'm sure she will be fine. When she had her 6 week GP check, she noted that she had 'loose' hips so she's referred her for an ultra sound scan as a precaution, but she thinks she's fine. She's got a scan on Monday teatime, so It's all appointments next week. I'm hoping everything will be fine.
    Like you, Essie, I don't worry about the DE aspect now, I just think of them as my babies, and I felt that as soon as I had them implanted. I can't believe how much love I feel for them - Lydia is smiling +++ at me now which is so beautiful!
    At this time of year, I know how hard it is without children, so I hope that next Christmas, all you ladies have little ones to invite Santa to visit!
    I so hope that you feel strong enough to give it a go Essie in spring! I'm rooting for you
    Deb

    Offline mandalay

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    « Reply #17 on: 17/12/16, 17:04 »
    Please don't be too concerned about age and how you will cope. I had two babies in my twenties and one over 50. The first year is intensely busy and tiring (but lovely) and I have felt no worse this time around. As your little one grows until the high school years when you are taxi driver and banker! No one knows how long they will live. I do think about it from time to time but I think you have a great incentive to stay fit and healthy. If it makes you feel any better, I will do it again over 50 if my DH allows it! The only thing I do strongly believe is that you should be as fit as you can manage before the pregnancy as it does help. I hope you go for it Essie. I have known many others who have succeeded at 6th or 7th attempt. xx

    I meant to say that as your little one grows, it gets less and less tiring. Sorry.

    Offline RB76

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    « Reply #18 on: 20/12/16, 20:34 »
    Hi Essie

    I've been meaning to post for ages, although I don't really have any words of great wisdom to be honest. One thing that never actually happened to me during our years of infertility and Ivf was miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy etc. We just had loads of loads of negatives and then of course when I finally did get pregnant it was all very dramatic from 23 weeks onwards. So I can't fully appreciate the fear that must come from that kind of experience. I do know that I personally can't go through treatment again as the risk to myself is too much now that I'm a mum as well. We looked into it, but I have now ruled it out.

    I do wonder though would you have even written this post if there wasn't a niggling part of you that really wants to try again , and if that is the case then I really think you should give it a try if you think you can and if it would be safe to (have you had an opinion from the NHS separately to Prague?). If you really wanted to stop now, I think you would know. I know 100% I won't be but of course with a child already, that's a different decision altogether.

    All I can say from the 'other side' of all of this is that had I known I'd finally be in this position because I kept going, then I would just never, ever have stopped. Of course none of us have that knowledge do we and hence have to start seriously questioning it after several cycles which haven't worked out.

    I do think that ultimately you will come to your own decision however long that may take and I wish you so much luck whatever that might be. I feel so much more commonality with people on this forum than I do with the other mothers I meet now at baby groups etc. It's so damn unfair that some people are in this situation whilst others have kids and treat them badly.  X

    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #19 on: 21/12/16, 15:46 »
    RB - so sorry for your loss and your difficulties, you're one strong woman! I'm so glad you now have little one. I totally agree with you - I find so many amazing women on here who so deserve to be mums! Not like some we meet at groups, who can't even be bothered to keep an eye on their LOs and sit drinking tea while they run riot. I spend my time at groups playing with DS, and keeping an eye on DD who's only 8 weeks old!
    Essie - I do agree with RB, you must still really want to try again deep down, or you would have decided to stop trying, but I know how hard it must be for you. You will come to a decision sooner or later, and it will be the right one. You are one strong lady to come through what you have suffered. You would be such an amazing, loving mum. I am so lucky to have my little angels and they do keep me young! I was honoured to read what you put about my posts and I'm glad you feel inspired. There are drawbacks to being an older mum, and I wish I'd been in a position to have them earlier, but life didn't work out like that. I also think I had become a mum when younger and with OE, my LOs would not be them! They are so precious and perfect, I wouldn't be without them. My life feels complete with them in it! I know you worry about age, Essie, but older mums can be amazing!
    AFM - I spent an anxious evening in A&E with DD - DS was home in bed asleep, mum and sister baby sat for me. She is now fine, but I was worried - she was not her usual calm, happy self, very snuffly, whingy and making a panicked cry, very sicky - she got thoroughly checked out and was given the all clear, but advised it was best to get her checked. So the worry does not stop pre birth! I