* Author Topic: Can I do this?? I'm not sure...  (Read 73630 times)

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Offline Sassy-lassy

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Can I do this?? I'm not sure...
« Reply #60 on: 24/02/17, 21:41 »
Glad you were able to make contact and that there's time aplenty to sort things out.  You've enough on your mind without unnecessary extras!!!  xx
 

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    Offline EssieJean

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    « Reply #61 on: 27/02/17, 19:34 »
    Thanks Sassy, I've now received instructions to start meds this Saturday, and booked a scan for tomorrow to check all ok to start.

    I guess I'm officially back on the rollercoaster  ^eyes^

    Offline Louisej29

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    « Reply #62 on: 28/02/17, 15:20 »
    How did your scan go essie X

    Offline EssieJean

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    « Reply #63 on: 28/02/17, 18:28 »
    Hi Louise,

    It went ok thanks... I think  ::).

    No cysts, no mass, no free fluid (which I did have previously). The report does say though Hypoechoic with few calcifications seen within endocervical area..don't know what this means. I've emailed gennet to ask. I'm presuming it's nothing untoward. The sonographer also commented on how small my womb was...commented a few times actually.  She did the same last cycle... in fact she recognised me by my uterus!  ;D

    It was strange seeing a sonographer again.... was a conscious effort to think forward positively.

    Thank you for asking lovely...how are you?

    Xx

    Offline EssieJean

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    « Reply #64 on: 4/03/17, 09:48 »
    Awake all night and sat up in bed for the last 2hrs staring at my packet of progynova, deciding whether to take my first, due at 9am.  Last night I almost chucked the two massive boxes of meds in the bin and sent an email to clinic cancelling treatment... still an option.

    Anyway, despite those feelings, I've just taken the pill.

    I don't feel excitement, I feel worry that I'm doing the right thing.  We talked until the early hours, neither of us are sure we want this anymore but we are not sure where those feelings are coming from, whether it's because we really don't want the crazy life that comes with having a child anymore or fear and fatigue. I know I'm certainly tired and mostly I have zero confidence in myself.. didn't use to be the case. I'm really unhappy with my life (excluding DH) but don't have confidence to change it.  I think too much. I know that. I just don't think I've got what it takes to be a parent.  I mean, what kind of start is this when I can barely force that pill down.. it shouldn't feel like this should it??

    Thinking about this in the middle of the night isn't a good idea but it's been a really big issue for me this week leading up today, the first day of treatment.  It's all I've been able to think of.  We've no finances left now, first time in my life I've never had a savings account, bank accounts in overdraft no spare money.. not exactly the life of stability and security one would expect at my age and certainly not one we should be bringing a child into.  What, after all this, it works and I can't bond with my DE child. This has never even been an issue before. The telling and not telling issue. I'm racing ahead now I know..and I'm waffling too much on here.. but I don't have any friends to talk to, all lost to ivf, no social life, just work and sleep.

    I wish I knew where my happiness lies... I don't want to just plod through life having never achieved anything but I can't seem to find the motivation to do anything about it.  A big part of me could right now cancel it all, sell up, downsize or buy a camper van, live on the coast and have lots of holidays whenever we want... would that make me happy? If I find the strength to keep going and the treatment cr*ps out, perhaps this could be our Plan B...

    I'm just using this page as therapy, an outlet for all my feelings, if you're reading please don't feel like you have to reply to a crazy women's ramblings   ^idiot^ ::)

    Offline Tincancat

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    « Reply #65 on: 4/03/17, 10:14 »
    Hi Essie
    I've been following your story from a distance and not posted before on this thread.   You still have some hope as you have started the tablets.  Perhaps you should go with that bit of hope for now?   For years I too lurched between if I should continue or walk away and go travelling.  In my heart I knew I'd still feel unhappy and the 'what if'  questions would always stay with me.  In the end my fear of regret of not trying was greater than my fears of how I'd manage a child on my own.  Nevertheless  I grew tired of my hopes being dashed with each failure so decided my last cycle would be the end of everything.  It seems to me you are at a similar stage and this will indeed be your final cycle.  Only you can know when you truly at the end.  But you are not at the end of this journey yet.  With a break from treatment you may even revisit DE again and join the over 50s ladies.  Older parents are now much more accepted by society.   Try not to look too far ahead at the moment.  Focus on the present and see how you go. 
    Good luck
    TCCx

    Offline deblovescats

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    « Reply #66 on: 4/03/17, 10:56 »
    Essie - you are not a crazy woman. You have been through so much and you are strong although you don't feel this at the moment. It's only natural to have those last minute doubts - I know I wondered whether to take the first tablet when I had my cycle. You took the first step, but you can stop at any point if you want.
    You are not a failure - you are strong. You have a wonderful DH. I feel sometimes that I've failed, as I don't have a DP and it's hard on my own, but when I get smiles from my little ones, I think no I'm not a failure. I'm doing a great job really, I just have natural doubts at times. I wonder about being an older mum, but it's a lot more common now whether society likes it or not. We are going to have to be accepted like other families are now - such as with two daddies or two mummies or single parents .... we have a lot to give.
    I've had little niggles when someone's taken me for grandma, but then people I know don't have these issues. A woman I got talking to at toddler group who was an older mum, asked whether I was going to try for no 3 !!! Made my day!!
    As for the bonding, I did wonder the first time I was pregnant, and had mad worries about what would the baby look like! All worry for nothing. He is gorgeous as is my daughter. I was looking at her smiling her gappy smile at me this morning and I thought I just love them so much, I don't even think about the DE part on the whole. I took DD to GP yesterday as she has been poorly, and GP said 'Hello beautiful'.. (TO Lydia, not to me - lol!) and I thought yes you are. Then I saw my midwife and she said she was beautiful and although she knows about DE, she just said 'She looks so much like you!' These make it all worthwhile.
    I don't know which option would make you happy hun, but take your time. You still have time to do it. I don't have as much in savings as I did, but money isn't everything for children, they just need us ...
    Good luck sweetheart

    Offline morganna

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    « Reply #67 on: 4/03/17, 20:38 »
    Hi Essie,


    I do not log onto FF much anymore because life is busy.  But when i do, i always check to see how you are doing.


    You and your husband have been through SO MUCH, that you will both find it hard to understand exactly how your are feeling. 


    Your fears, regarding another attempt, will cloud how you feel. 


    But deep down, you know you want that baby. And you will keep going until you get your baby.


    You have EACH OTHER.


    My husband passed away, and i had always longed to have a baby with him................for YEARS and YEARS.  3 decades actually.


    So 3 years after his passing i went for 3 cycles with team miracle and and got lucky on the 3rd cycle.


    But i would have gone on and on and on until i acheived my dream.


    She is 2 now and i go to bed happy and wake up happy.


    Dont try to analyse how you are feeling.  Just keep going.


    You WILL have your baby.


    As long as you never give up.


    My Love to you and your husband.


    If you ever want to email or social media ................PM me!


    Morganna xxxxxx


    Offline Sassy-lassy

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    « Reply #68 on: 5/03/17, 00:38 »
    Dear Essie,

    So much of your last post could have been written by me before my last cycle.

    I felt I'd sacrificed everything for a child, but was destined to be one of life's losers in the high-risk, high-cost gamble of IVF treatment.  The cash we'd sunk into it all was truly staggering.  DH is a low-earner and my (previously high-flying) career hit the dust several years ago when I declined promotion due to my family aspirations, and subsequently found myself edged out, eventually being made made redundant... Seven years of failed treatments, miscarriages and disappointment cleaned out my life savings and picked our financial future to the bone.  I was physically and mentally exhausted, several stone heavier due to all the meds and clinically depressed.  Like you, my confidence had evaporated and my circle of friends dwindled.  Socially, I found myself in no-mans' land as I'd distanced myself from those who'd had children, but no longer shared the aspirations of those who'd chosen careers.

    Believe me, as that last cycle approached, my anxiety levels went through the roof.  I absolutely understand what it is like to hold that first packet of pills and think "do I really want this?".  But clearly you do.  Because deep down, you know that there is still the chance your dreams will be fulfilled.  And furthermore, even if you don't acknowledge it right now, you are one damn strong woman, or you simply wouldn't have made it this far in the first place.     

    Self-protection alone can feed our doubts, but hang on in there, and please God that one day soon you will have reason to be sweating the smaller stuff of what (if anything) you plan to tell the baby, whether you will bond with it (a major worry for me btw, but as it turned out a needless one) and how you are going to afford to bring it up (a headache for many new parents).

    We are all here for you.  And I truly believe that one way or another, you can and will have the baby you yearn for.

    Happy to chat via PM if you need a further boost or to let off steam!

    Sassy xxx

    Offline Clara Rose

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    « Reply #69 on: 5/03/17, 02:00 »
    Dear Essie,

    I have been following your story for ages. I'm sorry you are having doubts about more tx, although it's not surprising considering all you have been through. I hope you continue with your cycle...keep that little bit of hope alive. I had my twin girls on my sixth attempt at IVF. I was determined to have children...failure was just not an option for me. Financially I was completely wiped out, and I'll probably be in debt forever, but I don't care. My girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am 52 and single and yes it is hard, but when I see their happy little faces and they call me "Mum...Mum!" it is so worth it. The girls are double donation but I don't even think about that. They are my babies, and so many people have said they look like me.

    When you have been through so many cycles that have not worked out, it is easy to become despondent and wonder if it is ever going to happen. I still sometimes imagine I'm going to wake up one day and having the babies will be a dream...just hard to believe that I had the girls after more than nine years of trying. I really hope you keep going. There are lots of older Mums these days and I have not had a single negative comment.

    Best of luck!

    Love Clara xx