Hi ladies,
Not been on FF since my last loss in February, 3rd ectopic - cornual ectopic. Life has been miserable, still is. Physically I think I've pretty much recovered, mentally and emotionally, not quite.
I want to pour out my heart at this stage but the post would be way too long so I'm really trying to focus here
Basically DH and I can't decide whether to try again; we've made pros and cons lists, gone away to try and come to a decision countless times, tried living life as a childless couple and I use the term 'living' loosely as quite frankly we haven't done much of that, I'm in counselling which has opened a can of worms and confused me even more.
Age - this is a biggy. we've never had children so very much stuck in our ways. I crave change but at the same time afraid of it. I'm afraid of standing still but also afraid of moving forward We're both scared of being old parents and bringing up a child in our 70's but still want a family . I feel so exhausted all the time I can't see myself being able to cope. IF has destroyed the person I was and I wonder whether I will ever see her again. I have panic attacks at the thought of going out anywhere other than work and can feel myself desperately thinking of an excuse as soon as I'm invited anywhere. I suspect the exhaustion comes from my depressive state, years of trying, physical and emotional pain... I just feel like I constantly have a heavy rucksack on my back. But the nit being able to go out..that's a new one on me
Health - DH terrified of losing me after my last dangerous ectopic. He's terrified, as am I, of going to that first scan. We've spent so many times at the local epu only to hear those dreaded words..I'm sorry it's not good news. Oh, tears fall down my face now at the memories and the thought if that happening again
Moving on.... we change our minds from day to day, one day we say we'll do it although the excitement isn't there as previous cycles, the next day we're scared to death at the prison to if the above. It's torturous and my brain hurts as this has been going on for months, all the changing of minds.
My parents have very kindly offered to fund a cycle..I know this is what they want more than anything.. family life hasn't been a happy one with lots of family stuff going on which I won't get into here. As we've spent well over 40 grand on private paying cycles this will go a long way to alleviate some of the stress.
Where we are now.. I came up with the idea of booking dates for another cycle and as it gets nearer, gauge how we feel about it..whether we feel excited again and enthused or whether the very thought terrifies us or I decide I just can't put myself through it anymore.. at the moment I feel nervous because we're really forcing ourselves to make a decision either way. I just didn't want to be passing yet another birthday and then having to start if we wanted to go ahead. This way, there'll be no delay.
I really appreciate anybody reading this and any views you may have. We feel so lost at sea, isolated. I can't tell friends or work colleagues about what we are thinking because I'm not sure if the reaction. I know no one can make the decision for us but it's helped me being able to write some of my thoughts down.
I guess I'm just looking for support and encouraging words.....
Hugs and good luck to all
Essie xx
Not been on FF since my last loss in February, 3rd ectopic - cornual ectopic. Life has been miserable, still is. Physically I think I've pretty much recovered, mentally and emotionally, not quite.
I want to pour out my heart at this stage but the post would be way too long so I'm really trying to focus here
Basically DH and I can't decide whether to try again; we've made pros and cons lists, gone away to try and come to a decision countless times, tried living life as a childless couple and I use the term 'living' loosely as quite frankly we haven't done much of that, I'm in counselling which has opened a can of worms and confused me even more.
Age - this is a biggy. we've never had children so very much stuck in our ways. I crave change but at the same time afraid of it. I'm afraid of standing still but also afraid of moving forward We're both scared of being old parents and bringing up a child in our 70's but still want a family . I feel so exhausted all the time I can't see myself being able to cope. IF has destroyed the person I was and I wonder whether I will ever see her again. I have panic attacks at the thought of going out anywhere other than work and can feel myself desperately thinking of an excuse as soon as I'm invited anywhere. I suspect the exhaustion comes from my depressive state, years of trying, physical and emotional pain... I just feel like I constantly have a heavy rucksack on my back. But the nit being able to go out..that's a new one on me
Health - DH terrified of losing me after my last dangerous ectopic. He's terrified, as am I, of going to that first scan. We've spent so many times at the local epu only to hear those dreaded words..I'm sorry it's not good news. Oh, tears fall down my face now at the memories and the thought if that happening again
Moving on.... we change our minds from day to day, one day we say we'll do it although the excitement isn't there as previous cycles, the next day we're scared to death at the prison to if the above. It's torturous and my brain hurts as this has been going on for months, all the changing of minds.
My parents have very kindly offered to fund a cycle..I know this is what they want more than anything.. family life hasn't been a happy one with lots of family stuff going on which I won't get into here. As we've spent well over 40 grand on private paying cycles this will go a long way to alleviate some of the stress.
Where we are now.. I came up with the idea of booking dates for another cycle and as it gets nearer, gauge how we feel about it..whether we feel excited again and enthused or whether the very thought terrifies us or I decide I just can't put myself through it anymore.. at the moment I feel nervous because we're really forcing ourselves to make a decision either way. I just didn't want to be passing yet another birthday and then having to start if we wanted to go ahead. This way, there'll be no delay.
I really appreciate anybody reading this and any views you may have. We feel so lost at sea, isolated. I can't tell friends or work colleagues about what we are thinking because I'm not sure if the reaction. I know no one can make the decision for us but it's helped me being able to write some of my thoughts down.
I guess I'm just looking for support and encouraging words.....
Hugs and good luck to all
Essie xx