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Can I do this?? I'm not sure...

95K views 676 replies 84 participants last post by  Tulipwishes 
#1 ·
Hi ladies,

Not been on FF since my last loss in February, 3rd ectopic - cornual ectopic.  Life has been miserable, still is. Physically I think I've pretty much recovered, mentally and emotionally, not quite.

I want to pour out my heart at this stage but the post would be way too long so I'm really trying to focus here  ::)

Basically DH and I can't decide whether to try again; we've made pros and cons lists, gone away to try and come to a decision countless times, tried living life as a childless couple and I use the term 'living' loosely as quite frankly we haven't done much of that, I'm in counselling which has opened a can of worms and confused me even more.

Age - this is a biggy.  we've never had children so very much stuck in our ways. I crave change but at the same time afraid of it. I'm afraid of standing still but also afraid of moving forward  ^idiot^  We're both scared of being old parents and bringing up a child in our 70's but still want a family . I feel so exhausted all the time I can't see myself being able to cope. IF has destroyed the person I was and I wonder whether I will ever see her again. I have panic attacks at the thought of going out anywhere other than work and can feel myself desperately thinking of an excuse as soon as I'm invited anywhere.  I suspect the exhaustion comes from my depressive state, years of trying, physical and emotional pain... I just feel like I constantly have a heavy rucksack on my back. But the nit being able to go out..that's a new one on me  :(

Health - DH terrified of losing me after my last dangerous ectopic. He's terrified, as am I, of going to that first scan. We've spent so many times at the local epu only to hear those dreaded words..I'm sorry it's not good news.  Oh, tears fall down my face now at the memories and the thought if that happening again  :'( :'(

Moving on.... we change our minds from day to day, one day we say we'll do it although the excitement isn't there as previous cycles, the next day we're scared to death at the prison to if the above.  It's torturous and my brain hurts as this has been going on for months, all the changing of minds.

My parents have very kindly offered to fund a cycle..I know this is what they want more than anything.. family life hasn't been a happy one with lots of family stuff going on which I won't get into here. As we've spent well over 40 grand on private paying cycles this will go a long way to alleviate some of the stress.

Where we are now.. I came up with the idea of booking dates for another cycle and as it gets nearer, gauge how we feel about it..whether we feel excited again and enthused or whether the very thought terrifies us or I decide I just can't put myself through it anymore.. at the moment I feel nervous because we're really forcing ourselves to make a decision either way. I just didn't want to be passing yet another birthday and then having to start if we wanted to go ahead. This way, there'll be no delay.

I really appreciate anybody reading this and any views you may have.  We feel so lost at sea, isolated. I can't tell friends or work colleagues about what we are thinking because I'm not sure if the reaction.  I know no one can make the decision for us but it's helped me being able to write some of my thoughts down.

I guess I'm just looking for support and encouraging words.....

Hugs and good luck to all

Essie xx
 
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#2 ·
Essie  ^hugme^ I just wanted to send you a HUGE hug! I have followed your story and I am so truly sorry for all the pain you had to face in this horrible journey.  :-[ I feel for you. Like you, I cannot imagine my life without children and yet I feel like I am too old and maybe even too bitter... it's a bit like.... like I have "lost my train" (not sure if my words do make sense as I am Italian, sorry).  :p DH and I decided to stop last year... we were too brokenhearted. But now that both my parents are ill... I just have to try one last time and hope with all my heart.  ^pray^ I do not want to look back and regret not having tried one more time.  ^idiot^ I bet your poor DH is terrified of losing you, but maybe your should get this new chance your parents are kindly offering you?  :) Of course, only you and DH knows what's right for you.  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ Best of Luck!
 
#4 ·
I am so sorry for what you've going through.
Hopefully you'll find strength to make a decision you'd be at peace  with.
Have ever thought about surrogacy? I've seen and  read that Ukrainian clinics very reasonably priced.
Could it be an option for you?
Wishing you all the best


 
#5 ·
Essie my lovely  ^hugme^ I want to say it's good to see you back, but you know what I mean. You also know what I think and you know that I will be with you every step of the way if you decide to continue  ^hugme^ There are some people that should have children, and you are definitely one of them. I think booking it & then seeing how you feel is a good idea. Where would you go ? Back to Gennet ?
Re being old, they don't come much older than me  ;)  I will be 52 in a couple of weeks. DD is now at school & DS is running me ragged but I wouldn't have it any other way. I watched a docu on menopause the other day & apparently we need less sleep then anyway !! I think any physical issues (for me stiff joints) are far outweighed by the love and experience you will give your children. Obviously I can't go back & have them 10 years younger but would I do it again, knowing how I feel now ? Hell yes, in an instant !! You do cope, and you're rewarded every day for coping which makes it easier to do even more. It is a labour of love, literally. However, I am known for my over-enthusiasm (as a typical Sagittarius  ::) ) and I'm aware that only you can know if you could cope with the actual toll of cycling again. But I do know that plenty here will have your back  ^hugme^

Big hugs xxx

PS I will get around to replying, it's been mad x
 
#6 ·
Thank you ladies ^hugme^

Clara..thank you for your kind words..I'm sorry you've had to read my story without a happy ending... yet (maybe). I'm sorry for your suffering too. It's so hard isn't it when you feel time has passed you by, watching friends have children and move on with their lives while you stay the same still yearning for a child but having to accept that it may not happen. Those months where we tried living with the thought of being childless were the most sombre and griefstricken times. I asked myself (still do) what's the point of me? Why am I here? I've done the same job for 30 years and I'm not sure I can do anything else. IVF has stripped me of my confidence. The years ahead scare me to death if this is it. You're right about not having regrets and if my parents are offering to fund may be that's happened for a reason ::). Good luck with your next cycle.. I really do hope it is the one and that your parents' health improves so they can enjoy their grandchild.. Thank you Clara.. oh and your words do make sense, your English is perfect ;)

Thank you Maria .. hope all is well with you ^hugme^

Altai, thank you too. Yes we've thought about adoption and surrogacy..although Ive gone through the grief of not being able to have a biological child and accepted that some time should, I feel surrogacy for me is a step too much.. it wasn't dismissed immediately and I do appreciate your suggestion. Looks like you've been on quite a journey yourself.. I'm not sure from your signature whether you're cycling, but all the best on your journey ^hugme^

Hey Bundles :) Haha yes I know exactly what you think ;D And regarding age, well, Bundles your superwoman, you're a top act to follow ;D. I do really appreciate, as you know, your input and I'm really grateful for your kind words and encouragement. It is the fear of being in my 60's and 70's with a teen, and the fact all my cousins' children are all grown up and having children themselves!! Yes we'd go back to Gennet. I did think about serum because of its reputation, but if we do go ahead then I need to be somewhere familiar to take the pressure off, besides I know I can get pregnant and as I've said before there's no cure for ectopic, so I think it's a numbers game for us and changing clinic wouldn't benefit us. I do feel that part of the exhaustion is having this hang over our heads for so long..perhaps if/when we start tx our energy and enthusiasm will follow ::) ^hugme^

Xx
 
#7 ·
Hi Essie

Huge  ^hugme^ to you.  You have been through so much, it's no wonder you are conflicted. It's such a tough and difficult decision that only you will know the answer to. However, the fact that you have tried to move on, came back to asking yourself "shall we try again?" and booked a cycle that you may or may not do, indicates to me that you're definitely not in the "no more" camp, if that makes sense? My thoughts are, if you were definitely saying "no more", these would not be questions you would be asking of yourself. So, you have doubts .... but if you were to not go ahead, would these doubts persist for life or go away?

As for age, I know how you feel, as I worry about that too. However, I then think about all the uncertainties in life (eg some lose their parents at a very young age, your health can decline at any age) so I think there's no point worrying about a future I can't control and whether age will impact on things. DHs Mum was 45 yrs old when she had him, and she is a healthy 88 yr old now. On the other hand, I had a school friend who tragically lost both her parents (who were in their 40s) due to illness before she was 16 yrs old.

I hope you find the right answers for you  ^hugme^
 
#8 ·
Essie sweetheart - I have also followed your story with sorrow, and I feel so sad for you. Like Bundles says, you are meant to be  a mum, you have just had a load of grief getting there. I am so glad you are feeling better healthwise. Whatever you decide to do is the right decision for you, don't rush a decision. I don't think there's any harm into looking into another cycle but don't put pressure on yourself.
As for age, we older mums have lots to give - experience, security, love +++ after all, it's taken us a lot longer to get there and a lot more thought put into it. Don't worry too much about the age. Obviously I've thought long and hard about it, and if I could have done, would have had children earlier, but was never lucky in meeting my soulmate, that's why I made the difficult decision to go it alone - though I live in hope of meeting him some day! My mum was 38 when she had me and 40 when she had my sister, and my dad was 7 years older than her. My grandparents - 3 lived to 92 and one was 83. My mum is now a relatively fit 87 year old and her sister a very active 90! So it can happen. I'll do my best to be as fit as possible. I run around after my toddler at groups more than some of the younger mums! And I can still get on the floor with him!
As you can see from my profile, I had DS at 47, 46 when I had the cycle, and now have a sibling this October, my beautiful Ice Princess from a FET from same cycle as DS. I was 48 when had the cycle, 49 when gave birth to DD. And I still have 2 frosties in storage so may even go back for them! It's hard juggling a toddler and new baby, but it would be whatever the age.
Don't let age put you off trying, although I know you have lots of other decisions to make.
Good luck and I hope to be reading a positive story for you soon!
Deb
 
#9 ·
Essie  I have had a similar experiences to you, etc on and off since 2002, my last ever final, goodbye FET resulted in a BFP and then a heartbeat and then a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  it was a massive shock and for me to actually get the BFP and it is difficult to walk away after getting so close to something that I have given my all to try to achieve all these years.  I liken walking away from ttc as similar to walking away from a romance where the other party keeps leaving you for someone else and breaking your heart, at some stage you just have to walk away, you have to stop before it completely destroys your heart, you have to walk away because you feel stupid for taking them back every single time.  Self preservation.... probably completely natural reaction and we all have to stop at some stage but ....

Reading your post it does sound like this really would be the final ever make or break last cycle.... it is wonderful of your parents to offer to fund a cycle.  If you did the cycle and it worked and you got your baby, how would you feel?  If you did the cycle and it ended badly would you really feel any worse than you do now?

is it possible that you and DH could muster one last puff of ttc breath and just flipping go for it?  One last final try? but all the time maybe working with your counsellor about your plan B life? get a dog to take on walks, help you to get through 2ww and beyond?  there is something about that last shot, you know you are done with ivf so that you are almost looking forward to just getting it over with and getting on with your life?  who knows?  maybe this will be the one?  either way nobody can ever say you didn't try your best and some. xxx
 
#10 ·
Essie - sending you hugs. Please don't worry about being an older mum. I've always had more energy than my NCT group and they were between 10 and 20 years younger than me. Most people I went to school with have several grandkids now. That used to really depress me on ********.

Would a bit of investigation help? You mention Serum but that Gennet would be familiar so take the pressure off. Why not contact Serum and see is Penny could offer any advice. There's a wealth of info on here about Serum and Athens that took the pressure off changing clinics for me. But go with what you feel will give you the best chances - certainly the less stress the better.

It's so hard to try and pick yourself up after what you and DH have been through xx
 
#11 ·
Just wanted to say the same as the other ladies and wish you well. You are blessed with a loving partner and supportive parents. I hope 2017 will be your year xx
 
#12 ·
Thank you all for your supportive and encouraging replies, which I've read over and over. its also nice to see some familiar names, though would prefer us all to be chatting on the pregnancy boards....

Miss Sunshine..yes you are making sense, if I was in the no more camp I'm sure I would know for certain, without doubt. Waivering, trying to decide perhaps is indicative that I do really want to do another cycle but it's the fear of losing again, another ectopic, more than age that worries me... oh I don't know, I have a tendency to fast forward in situations where I'm afraid and look too far into the future..I need to learn to reign myself in to the present day and live in the moment. You make a good point about age. That is so true. I need to hold onto that. I hope you get your BFP soon ^hugme^ EDIT: just seen you're on 2ww.. good luck for 14th ^pray^

Hi Debs.. whenever I need a bit of encouragement about having a baby in late 40's your posts are those I seek out. I think you're amazing and such an inspiration. I think for me personally it comes down to confidence, and that's been chipped away over the years. I have no doubt I have a heart full of love to give and being a Capricorn I'm quite stubborn and would make it my life's work to make sure I do the best job possible (I'm actually sighing as I type that - it's the mental exhaustion). It's been almost a year since our last treatment so it's the longest I've gone between cycles..I think I'm finding it harder to get back on the rollercoaster and finding it hard to ever think we could ever get a different outcome. I need a huge dollop of self belief! ::). Your LO's sound like they keep you on your toes and still you think of going back for FET.. that's so great..you do make me see how different my life could be and in a good way.. perhaps it's a leap of faith I need to take.. ^hugme^

Dippygirl, I'm sorry you've suffered such painful losses..and yes it is like walking away from a one-way romance. Mr Essie read your post and it struck a chord with him too and said it is a good way of putting it. We've returned to treatment so many times and with each loss it's taken longer to heal.. I think that's why I'm struggling so much now. And I'm fearful of how long (if ever) it will take my heart and body to recover if I lose another pregnancy. It concerns me that there is nothing different I can do, am I just setting myself up for another loss?? Oh how angry we would be if it happened again.. you mention self preservation, I think that's where I'm at now, but with the desire to still have a family..confused.com. If we did cycle and it worked we would be elated beyond words, still scared, but who isn't. The thought brings a soft smile to my face.. If it failed, I would just feel as I have for the last several years, but then I would have to give myself closure because I just can't carry on living as I have.. well, not living, just existing. Mr Essie and I deserve better than just existing so I would have to take deep breaths and get on with it. I would prefer the former scenario.. Thank you Dippy for taking the time to respond ^hugme^ I'm not sure where you're at but hope your journey ends with your ultimate dream ^hugme^

Hi Cooljules, another familiar FF :) Seeing friends and family my age with grandkids is a bitter pill to swallow.. I feel angry that I wasn't able to have children when they did so we could all grow together.. now if any cycle was to work my child would be younger than their children's children!! Perhaps those things shouldn't be dwelled upon. Like Debs you also inspire me. I honestly don't think anymore investigative procedures would help me. I had another hysteroscopy in July, under GA, and they found nothing, in fact they said everything looked normal. They couldn't do a biopsy because my womb was "too dry", but they didn't think they would find anything that would explain the ectopics as there just isn't anything you can do to prevent them. That was the frustrating bit..Mr Essie and I both said as we walked into hospital that we prayed they would find something wrong. At least then it could be treated. Or to be told I couldn't possibly carry a baby..as hard as it would be, we would have closure. I don't seem to have a problem getting pregnant, just keeping it. I was found with Lupus Anti Coagulant so I'm treated for that, but nothing else has been detected although tested for. I do think though that going back to a Gennet is best thing for us stress wise...in my situation I think if it's going to work it'll work anywhere..I'm of the thinking it's a numbers game with me, although I know everyone's situation is different.

Mandalay, thank you for your reply. Mr Essie is always chuffed when he gets a mention ;) and yes for him and my parents I am blessed ^hugme^ All the best to you too..

Thanks all of you lovely ladies. I've not been on for a while so forgive my ramblings..your posts really help me to think things through ^hugme^

Essie xx
 
#13 ·
Hi EssieJean,
I am more of a lurker than a poster but wanted to reply.


I remember reading about your horrible experience and wondering how you were. I'm so sorry. As you can see from my signature I had some pretty bad times myself back in 2010. I managed to get a severe pelvic infection probably from the egg collection. I had/have an endometrioma on/in my right ovary which they think was caught at egg collection and basically spiralled into this huge infection. Not helped by the low dose steroids I was on and the endo I apparently have. I can totally relate about your DH being scared, mine is too. I'm glad to hear that physically things are much better for you. I remember being told to wait a year by doctors. Even after a year I thought I was OK but still tired very easily. It really took about 2 years for me to recover. I didn't really realise how ill I had been.


So I was forced to have lots of time before moving to DE. I shouldn't worry too much about waiting a year, if you need the time then take it. It's nice to step away for a bit I think.
I questioned DE - is it ethical for me to ask someone to have EC when I got so ill? In the end I was reassured that no donor would be allowed to donate if they had an endometrioma. I hope that's true. My DH wasn't happy about DE, still isn't very happy. You are lucky your DH sounds to be with you on all of this which is wonderful. It took me until 2014 to manage to get to a consultation with my DH in Spain. I had already had a consultation on my own here in London, and things were not good between us. I think he finally gave in because he could see I wasn't going to give up and he didn't want me to resent him if I couldn't try. He's worried, as am I, when do you say that's enough? I hope I'll know. But also my age is very soon going to be a problem - I'm 49, and after 50 most clinics won't treat you.


I worry about my age with treatment, with a pregnancy, and of course as a parent. I can't imagine it! Even writing that was hard. And my DH is older. Maybe I'm being ridiculous even still trying. I often feel ridiculous. But again you're fortunate having your DH and parents support.


One thing I wanted to suggest. I know going back to the same clinic is easy and familiar. But maybe a change would be good? I personally wouldn't go to Serum - I know there are many on FF who have had success and love the clinic, but it just doesn't sound right for me - I don't want tons of antibiotics and I definitely don't want immune treatment!
I've changed clinics, I just got the feeling my old clinic had no suggestions other than try again. I couldn't have surgery for hydrosalpinx due to all my previous surgery, and then the clinic didn't think the essure device was a good idea either! So I couldn't get any sense out of them. They did get me pregnant though which is still amazing to me, and there are many glowing reports here on FF. But I'm now going through Ruth Pellow at IVF Treatment Abroad. So I would suggest sending her an email and then having a chat with her on the phone. I'm sure you wouldn't be obliged to go any further if you didn't want to, and she's very easy to talk to. Sometimes a change is good? It's interesting that the drugs protocol is slightly different this time, who knows if the results will be any better!
Good luck xx




 


 
#14 ·
Thanks Essie for your kind words. It is rewarding parenting two little ones, but sometimes exhausting, but I don't regret it. I just hope all you lovely ladies get the chance to be the wonderful mummies you will be! Friends and colleagues all think I look so much younger, fitter and happier - so it does have its positives! When James smiles and giggles, I just love it, and Lydia is such a calm baby and already smiles at me! She has her 1st immunisations next Tuesday so dreading that!
Deb
 
#15 ·
I am sorry to know yr story and I am sure yr time will come soon. I can't see in yr signat, but have you been recommended doing PGD/ PGS NGS? Patricularly in the situation when you have experienced BFN and ectopic. All the luck in the world on yr journey x
 
#16 ·
Hi ladies,

Hi Rubyring, thank you for your message of support. I'm so sorry to hear about your painful journey and being so ill. It's difficult to express to anyone outside of the IVF world how scary and painful it really is. It's sad that it's only those that have gone through similar experiences who can really understand what you are going through. That's why FF is so great, just a shame that there are so many of us :(

It will be a year in February since my last loss so by April my body should have recovered suitably if we decide to go ahead. Oh how I wish I could shake the fear of the age thing, sounds silly when there are so many other aspects to be afraid of that age is the one that's at the forefront of my mind. I am really really trying to get onboard Debs way of thinking though! ;)

Regarding DE, it shows you're a thoughtful considerate person to think about putting someone through EC when you got so ill after your experience, but these wonderful ladies have chosen that decision armed with a wealth of information and knowing what the process involves. Nothing can prepare you of course as every treatment is different to each individuals experience. I didn't have a choice as to DE sadly. I suppose I've been spared having to go through EC though. I grieved for a while for my biological child and admittedly if I think about it still feel sad, I guess that will always be there, but once I got a BFP that was it, I didn't think of it being DE, it was just my baby 100% and that was how DH felt too. In IVF the bond is made much sooner than a naturally conceived child, irrespective of whether it's DE or OE, because it literally starts from day 1. DH initially had his concerns about DE but they didn't last and totally vanished on our first BFP. He's very supportive. I'm extremely lucky. He's seen what I've put my body through physically and emotionally, and I appreciate what he's been through emotionally, trying to keep everything together for my sake.

I think you will know when enough is enough, but not until you're 'there' if you know what I mean. With this decision now being so difficult I know if we do go ahead, it will be our last sadly. We've agreed on that. The problem I will have is if we have eggs to freeze... I know from past experience when we've decided not to freeze we've changed our mind at the last minute. I can't bear to think of eggs being wasted, it will be hard, but if it's to be the last try then that's what we will have to do.

I totally hear you about being an older parent. I can't imagine it either. I can't even imagine being pregnant now! Our lives have been the same for so many years now it's hard to imagine it any other way.

We have thought some more about changing clinics but come to the decision that if it's going to work it'll work no matter where I am and we do feel a strong pull to Prague. I've spoken to various consultants and they all say the same,that they can't give any guarantees. With ectopics especially, there are no preventative measures, although I have requested if we go ahead a few tweaks such as placing only one embryo instead of two, placing it lower in the womb and using less fluid to minimise drifting.

I hope your new clinic comes up with the goods!! Everyone deserves to be a mummy if they want. All the best and good luck ^pray^ I'd like to know how you get on.

Debs, I certainly like the sound of those positives!! Lol How did a Lydia get on with her first immunisations? I bet she took matters in her stride, just like her mummy :)

Hi Miamiamo, thank you for your message. I'm not sure that PGD is used on donor eggs but I will enquire. Nit heard if NGS, what is that? Hope all well with you.

Essie xx
 
#17 ·
Essie - bless you, you are one strong lady - I totally understand your concerns about being an older mum - I worried about it too, and I wondered about being pregnant in my late 40s but thankfully I had problem free pregnancies, and actually enjoyed them once I got past the early months. We older ladies have so much to offer our little ones. Lydia has her immunisations on Tuesday so thanks for your good wishes, I'm sure she will be fine. When she had her 6 week GP check, she noted that she had 'loose' hips so she's referred her for an ultra sound scan as a precaution, but she thinks she's fine. She's got a scan on Monday teatime, so It's all appointments next week. I'm hoping everything will be fine.
Like you, Essie, I don't worry about the DE aspect now, I just think of them as my babies, and I felt that as soon as I had them implanted. I can't believe how much love I feel for them - Lydia is smiling +++ at me now which is so beautiful!
At this time of year, I know how hard it is without children, so I hope that next Christmas, all you ladies have little ones to invite Santa to visit!
I so hope that you feel strong enough to give it a go Essie in spring! I'm rooting for you
Deb
 
#18 ·
Please don't be too concerned about age and how you will cope. I had two babies in my twenties and one over 50. The first year is intensely busy and tiring (but lovely) and I have felt no worse this time around. As your little one grows until the high school years when you are taxi driver and banker! No one knows how long they will live. I do think about it from time to time but I think you have a great incentive to stay fit and healthy. If it makes you feel any better, I will do it again over 50 if my DH allows it! The only thing I do strongly believe is that you should be as fit as you can manage before the pregnancy as it does help. I hope you go for it Essie. I have known many others who have succeeded at 6th or 7th attempt. xx

I meant to say that as your little one grows, it gets less and less tiring. Sorry.
 
#19 ·
Hi Essie

I've been meaning to post for ages, although I don't really have any words of great wisdom to be honest. One thing that never actually happened to me during our years of infertility and Ivf was miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy etc. We just had loads of loads of negatives and then of course when I finally did get pregnant it was all very dramatic from 23 weeks onwards. So I can't fully appreciate the fear that must come from that kind of experience. I do know that I personally can't go through treatment again as the risk to myself is too much now that I'm a mum as well. We looked into it, but I have now ruled it out.

I do wonder though would you have even written this post if there wasn't a niggling part of you that really wants to try again , and if that is the case then I really think you should give it a try if you think you can and if it would be safe to (have you had an opinion from the NHS separately to Prague?). If you really wanted to stop now, I think you would know. I know 100% I won't be but of course with a child already, that's a different decision altogether.

All I can say from the 'other side' of all of this is that had I known I'd finally be in this position because I kept going, then I would just never, ever have stopped. Of course none of us have that knowledge do we and hence have to start seriously questioning it after several cycles which haven't worked out.

I do think that ultimately you will come to your own decision however long that may take and I wish you so much luck whatever that might be. I feel so much more commonality with people on this forum than I do with the other mothers I meet now at baby groups etc. It's so damn unfair that some people are in this situation whilst others have kids and treat them badly.  X
 
#20 ·
RB - so sorry for your loss and your difficulties, you're one strong woman! I'm so glad you now have little one. I totally agree with you - I find so many amazing women on here who so deserve to be mums! Not like some we meet at groups, who can't even be bothered to keep an eye on their LOs and sit drinking tea while they run riot. I spend my time at groups playing with DS, and keeping an eye on DD who's only 8 weeks old!
Essie - I do agree with RB, you must still really want to try again deep down, or you would have decided to stop trying, but I know how hard it must be for you. You will come to a decision sooner or later, and it will be the right one. You are one strong lady to come through what you have suffered. You would be such an amazing, loving mum. I am so lucky to have my little angels and they do keep me young! I was honoured to read what you put about my posts and I'm glad you feel inspired. There are drawbacks to being an older mum, and I wish I'd been in a position to have them earlier, but life didn't work out like that. I also think I had become a mum when younger and with OE, my LOs would not be them! They are so precious and perfect, I wouldn't be without them. My life feels complete with them in it! I know you worry about age, Essie, but older mums can be amazing!
AFM - I spent an anxious evening in A&E with DD - DS was home in bed asleep, mum and sister baby sat for me. She is now fine, but I was worried - she was not her usual calm, happy self, very snuffly, whingy and making a panicked cry, very sicky - she got thoroughly checked out and was given the all clear, but advised it was best to get her checked. So the worry does not stop pre birth! I
 
#21 ·
Thank you ladies,

I really do appreciate the input, it helps enormously.

Mandalay, thank you. I agree that you need to stay as fit as ever possible. My general health is ok though I could do with doing a bit of exercise. I've worked hard to lose the steroid weight from my cycles through healthy eating but motivation has been difficult to muster regarding exercise, it's a standing joke at work as I've had a printed exercise timetable from a local place on my desk since August! ::) Perhaps my body has needed the recovery and resting time from the trauma, but I do now need to make an effort. At my lowest points I criticise myself for not being more active and feeling lathargic, I just haven't seen the point saying I've no one to do it for, but DH points out it's the years of IVF that've taken it's toll, that makes me feel weary, that if we were to succeed a new focus, motivation and energy will kick in because we will have someone dependant on us, and because you want to. There's not a lot of times when he talks sense but I must admit this time I think he's got something.

Hi RB, thank you for posting, I'm sorry for your difficulties and loss. I'm so pleased though that you were blessed with your lo. I have to agree also.. even though it feels a very close call between trying again and not, the fear of not trying I don't think I'd be in this constant tug of war in my head if I was adamant about drawing a line under it. Fear of losing again aside, I think maybe it's change that scares me, even more than age. I know it would be a good change if we were to be successful, but we've just been plodding along as a couple for so very long now, I'm afraid we've got stuck in our ways. I over think things, always have. As a Capricorn I'm very cautious and sometimes it annoys the hell out of me because there's a part of me that wants to jump right in and forget the ifs and buts.

I relate to your last comment strongly.. I work in care proceedings and despair every day at the stories I hear. It's sometimes hard not to voice your anger and frustration.

How's Lydia Debs? What a scare! Did it happen following her immunisations? Sometimes they can make you ill. Hope all has calmed down now and you're all enjoying the build up to Christmas. Thank you for your words of encouragement..

AFM Our need to make a decision is getting scarily close.. we've received feedback from Gennet with a new protocol and prescriptions ^eyes^ The festive season tugs at my heart....

Merry Christmas to you all and all the very best for 2017 ^xmassmile^

I'll keep you updated..

Essie xx
 
#22 ·
Dear Essie

I came across your post by chance, and don't have time to give you the response I want just now, but will PM you.  You have had a ghastly time of it, and I am so sorry.  It's entirely understandable if you're in turmoil just now, and just wish I was there to give you a massive hug. 

Believe me, I understand where you're coming from... It took us 9x donor cycles, a MMC, and ectopic pg and several mms (the last before I even sought fertility treatment...) to get the baby we yearned for. 

And I am old too, giving birth to our DD one day shy of my 49th birthday. 

For DH and I (esp me) however, giving up on the idea of a child was worse than the nightmare of having treatments, particularly the last two.  That is NOT to say that it was an easy decision or that we could easily afford it... In a way, IF treatment is a form of high risk gambling - and I am not a player.  Although Serum was a good experience, we changed clinics for the last couple of cycles (yes, I know... more risk) and for us this paid off. 

Hopefully, we will "speak" more soon, lots of love, Sassy xx
   
 
#23 ·
Hi Sassy!  Lovely to hear from you - how's motherhood? 

Thank you for replying.. I remember the cycles I went through with you and was in awe of your tenacity, strength and determination. I'm so very pleased it was all worth it in the end  ^hugme^

I've seen your pm and will reply soon - back at work now, but will reply as soon as I can.

Take care and Happy New Year to you all

xx
 
#24 ·
Quick update from me in case anyone reading...

Today I turned 48  ^eyes^ .. a big day in more ways than one.... we're going for it!!  We decided to give our dream another chance to come true.  Lots of emotion, worry, fear but also a hint of excitement poking through the intrepidation and apprehension.

Meds have been ordered and we're going out to Prague on 13th April for ET on the 19th.

Hugs to all
Essie xx
 
#25 ·
I'm so pleased to read this  ^hugme^ I've read your journey for a long time and I want this for you so much.

Happy birthday xx
 
#26 ·
Aw thank you so much Riley.. I really do appreciate the support  ^hugme^ Xx
 
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