* Author Topic: Nearly 7 years...  (Read 3039 times)

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Offline Zahadum

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Nearly 7 years...
« on: 19/12/16, 11:21 »
Hi there

I've been registered and participated a little while back but never introduced myself. I've been on and off the forum, mainly reading things my wife has been telling me about and praying for you all. Your stories make me feel like we are not alone and that's what it's all about I think.

My wife and I have been trying to conceive for nearly 7 years. In that time we've been through a lot, as most of us on here have. We've had 6 transfers and 2 miscarriages along the way. The latest just last week. It's currently just raw and empty and painful. It will pass as it has before, but it will take time. I'm so sad.

The reason for me introducing myself now is that I felt a need to connect. We all need connection. I think as humans we find isolation very difficult. Saying that, right now that's a struggle. I just want to curl up into a ball and let the world pass me by. I'm not going to do that though. Instead I'm going to pick myself up each day and carry on. It's the only thing to do. Keep moving forward one step at a time.

I guess I should say how we've got here.

I was tested about 7 years ago and found to have a handful of sperm where there should be many millions. Not an easy place to be. Devastated.

The first thing to do was investigate my count. I went through some diagnostics and found that it was NOA. The doctors said, sorry, nothing to be done.

Oh, don't worry, medical science has a solution. ICSI IVF. Oh how I wish science didn't have a way through. Looking back now how naive we were. Medical science gives you hope and when it doesn't deliver, as has been the case for us, it's been so darned painful.

We listened to the medical science and went full speed into IVF. The biggest criticism of this all is that IVF is a business. It's not treatment. You're not treated as a human, its a production line. The woman is the petri dish and the man is only useful as far as the extraction of some genetic material. No one tells you how hard it is both mentally and physically. The doctors make it sound doable. In reality it's probably the most exhausting thing you can do.

The first thing I did was go through a TESE procedure. With a virtually nil count it was advised as the best way to obtain viable sperm. I'm not going to say that was easy, but in the grand scheme of things with everything my wife went through later this was a walk in the park. The doctors found I had one functioning testicle, which they took samples from and froze it for us.

I'm not going to cover every process here. It would take too long. If you're interested in the journey we've been though I'll paste a link to my wife's ICSI diary at the end.

Into the IVF process we went, full of hope. The first thing that happened was that the drugs had a lot of side effects on my wife. That was tough to deal with. Keep going. It'll be worth it. On we went.

After the egg collection my wife got OHSS. She ballooned due to the water retention and at one point she was critical. She could have died. She was checked into the hospital and I still have flashbacks from that time every time I drive down that stretch of road to the hospital. It was a scary time.

Thankfully she recovered physically, but over the next 6.5 years its been cycle after cycle and failure after failure. Mentally it's sent us into depression and counselling.

As I said earlier, we actually got pregnant twice, with heartbeats. Those were lovely times. They didn't continue though so my wife suffered miscarriages which are extremely harrowing. Again, no one tells you how difficult these are.

Inbetween we found a great consultant urologist / andrologist, Mr R. He determined that my issue was developmental. When I was an embryo my mother had a fever. He thinks the high temperature affected my development. So finally we had a reason for why. He put me on a drug and monitored me. My count increased slightly. Wow! We tried to capture this temporary high and store some samples at the clinic.

Skipping ahead and after many years we found a clinic that limits the amount of drugs and messing about they do. After all, there's nothing physically wrong with my wife. Trying this worked much much better for us. However, despite 3 transfers at this clinic with 1 actual pregnancy, we are still left empty.

The last pregnancy negative was last Friday. It's so sad. I'm so sad.

My priority is our health, so I'm trying to keep myself and my wife balanced. We need to acknowledge and grieve for our loss. Then we need to move forwards once again. Easy to say, difficult to do. Our emotions are all over the place. We keep thinking we're OK for a bit, and then end up in tears. Slowly over the weekend this is easier, but it's still hard. It's going to be a while.

My wife is talking about being done and moving on to adoption. I think it's too early to make big decisions. I think we need time to heal.

If there are any guys out there reading this it would be good to share experiences. Let's get connected.

Thanks for listening.

Z.

Ps. Here's a link to my wife's ICSI Diary.

https://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=337023.0

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    Offline Dory10

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    Nearly 7 years...
    « Reply #1 on: 20/12/16, 14:32 »
    Hi Zahadum

    Welcome to posting  :). You'll find lots of support on here and I'm going to pop your post across to the men's room where you'll get more male responses than here, and some from ladies too.

    I can empathise with much that you write, I'm so sorry for your losses too, you're right nothing can prepare you to have that joy and hope snatched away.

    Please hang in there it took us almost 7 years but we got there.

    Take care

    Dory
    Xx

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    Nearly 7 years...
    « Reply #2 on: 3/01/17, 16:17 »
    Hi Zahadum

    Very sorry to hear about your experiences. My husband and I have had lots of set backs and disappointments in our fertility journey too, with 5 failed ICSI attempts and no pregnancy. At that point, I was physically and mentally exhausted, going through the same motions and having no result. So we signed up for surrogacy in Ukraine in September and I went through another egg collection last month. We had 3 embryos transferred to a surrogate and found out recently that it didn't work.

    So I kinda know how you feel,it sucks.

    What keeps me going, in all honesty, is the thought of giving myhusband a child,one way or another. Having been told that I cannot be stimulated anymore is a relief because I can't bare to be out through any more physically, and it's another thing that makes the ongoing process easier for me.

    I haven't read your wife's diary yet, but I have started one in the surrogacy section myself to document our surrogacy journey. It's definitely therapeutic, and you may find it helps you to keep one of your own.

    No one can tell you what you need to do next, whether you carry on, go for adoption or try something else. But you are right, you need time to heal before deciding anything. Researching options may be something you can do in the meantime.

    I wish you the best of luck,I really hope you have some success soon. And just think,when you eventually have your child, you'll have the luckiest child in the world who was so wanted and needed.

    S xx

    Offline Zahadum

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    Nearly 7 years...
    « Reply #3 on: 15/01/17, 00:47 »
    Hi Zahadum

    Very sorry to hear about your experiences. My husband and I have had lots of set backs and disappointments in our fertility journey too, with 5 failed ICSI attempts and no pregnancy. At that point, I was physically and mentally exhausted, going through the same motions and having no result. So we signed up for surrogacy in Ukraine in September and I went through another egg collection last month. We had 3 embryos transferred to a surrogate and found out recently that it didn't work.

    So I kinda know how you feel,it sucks.

    What keeps me going, in all honesty, is the thought of giving myhusband a child,one way or another. Having been told that I cannot be stimulated anymore is a relief because I can't bare to be out through any more physically, and it's another thing that makes the ongoing process easier for me.

    I haven't read your wife's diary yet, but I have started one in the surrogacy section myself to document our surrogacy journey. It's definitely therapeutic, and you may find it helps you to keep one of your own.

    No one can tell you what you need to do next, whether you carry on, go for adoption or try something else. But you are right, you need time to heal before deciding anything. Researching options may be something you can do in the meantime.

    I wish you the best of luck,I really hope you have some success soon. And just think,when you eventually have your child, you'll have the luckiest child in the world who was so wanted and needed.

    S xx

    Hi Stilltryingandhoping

    I wish you the best in your journey. You certainly have had it hard too.

    We've had some time away over Christmas and New Year. That was good for us. We're still grieving and I think it will always be sad.

    We're moving on. We're making our first positive steps towards adoption investigations now. We think this might be best.

    Zahadum

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    Nearly 7 years...
    « Reply #4 on: 21/02/17, 10:31 »
    Hi Zahadum

    Ive just seen your reply. I hope you and your wife can both come to terms with whatever decision you make. I have just been writing a new blog post, and its all about letting go of the idea that i will have a child, physically myself. Its a difficult thing to do.

    We are in out 2WW second time around with a surrogate now. Its the last 2 embryos that we have with my eggs, and i have a feeling it will not work. After this, its time to move onto donor eggs. For DH, this will be tough to deal with as he wanted a child that was biologically ours, mine and his. Again, its difficult to come to terms with.

    Writing has helped me, these fertility boards also help because there are so many people out there that are going through similar situations. If you ever need support, there are always people who can listen to you and give a virtual shoulder :)

    The adoption section on these boards is really good. We looked into Adoption also, and decided to try surrogacy first. I hope both you and your wife find some comfort in each other and have the strength to carry on with your journey to parenthood.

    S xx