* Author Topic: Parenting as a solo mum in your 40s  (Read 2019 times)

0 Members

Offline deblovescats

  • Gold Member
  • *****
  • 2 BFNs 2012, DS 2014, DD 2016
modify
Parenting as a solo mum in your 40s
« on: 29/12/16, 23:01 »
Hi everyone
Just thought I'd start a diary as we move towards 2017! I always meant to start one to set down my thoughts as I was undergoing treatment but never got on with it!
To introduce myself, I'm single (not by choice) and made the momentous decision to go it alone as my desire for children had gone into overdrive and I couldn't afford to wait any longer! I knew that I didn't want to look back and think I hadn't given it a go, even though I realistically knew it might not work! I'm hoping that this diary might inspire other potential older mums who are hesitant about going for it, fearing how society might judge them - especially the media (don't get me started on them!) lol.
I was 42 when I first approached my GP about moving forward with fertility treatment as a single woman, and was referred to Leeds. The consultant advised me to go straight to DE without suggesting an OE cycle. He also wanted me to get my BMI reduced first. I have never qualified for any treatment on the NHS. I struggled to reduce my weight, probably too much of a comfort eater and had to come to terms with everything. I still hoped deep down that my soul mate might materialise and I might not have to do it alone, but that never happened.
I finally decided to go ahead in 2012 when I was 45. I went to LWC Darlington and was again advised to do a double donation cycle, as odds of it working with OE was about 5% statistically, although they didn't do any tests  to see if was possible. I knew that I wanted best chance of taking home a baby, and as I was paying for it all myself, I couldn't afford to waste money on failed cycles. I think I thought I stood a good chance with DE and had a fresh cycle. I was disappointed to only get 2 blasts, one transferred fresh, the other frozen. July 2012, I got a BFN and was disappointed. My follow up appointment was disappointing - I was only in about 10 mins to be told that it was just one of those things. I tried a FET in October that year with the remaining blast, to again get a BFN. I was philosophical and told myself at least I had given it a try. I decided to take a break from treatment, take stock of my life and save up! It was the London Olympics this year and my sister who works for BA had won tickets to an event at the Olympics and then at the athletics event at the Paralympics so I decided to enjoy those and be inspired by their success!
I took a deep breath and decided I wanted to give it another shot the following year. I decided to try a different clinic - I did my research, even did a visit to Serum in Athens as I'd read such good reports about it. In the end, I decided to try another UK clinic as I felt overwhelmed by doing a cycle abroad on my own. I liked the look of CARE and went for an initial appointment in Sheffield in May 2013. I only had to wait about 6 weeks for an egg donor, sperm donor was readily available. I had a lovely holiday in June on a Mediterranean cruise and then a short break with my sister in Dublin in August. Then all systems go. Cycle was planned for September but my own menstrual cycle did not play ball, so had to be put back to October. I was impressed that I got pen portraits of both donors before treatment which I liked. The cycle resulted in 4 blasts, one was implanted fresh and I was lucky enough to get 3 frozen ones. I was objective about the outcome and was amazed to get a BFP!
I have to confess I became a serial tester! I like to prepare myself for failure, so I deliberately tested early, so I could say to myself that if it was negative, I still had the chance of the result changing and if it was positive I would know early. I tested 9dp5dt and it was BFN, so I was relaxed about it. I then tested the day before OTD and got a faint positive. I couldn't believe it and I gave birth to my gorgeous son James in July 2014, on American Independence Day.
I wanted to give James a sibling so that he has a genetic connection with someone, so last year I decided to try for a sibling with my frosties. A cycle was planned for November but again my menstrual cycle messed up, so finally the cycle went ahead in 2016, with the transfer in February. I had decided to have my frosties thawed one at a time, so that none were wasted. I was philosophical about it, and I suppose more relaxed as I already had my son. I also thought that a frozen cycle was less likely to work, but have since read that it can be more successful. I again decided to test early. I was nauseous and actually being sick early on well before OTD so I tested on 6 dp5dt and got a BFN, still being sick, so I tested 7 dp5dt and amazingly got a faint BFP, I tested at 8 days, 9 days, 11 days and then OTD, still BFP, but getting stronger. I couldn't believe that I'd struck gold again (have to have an Olympic reference!) I gave birth to my beautiful Ice Princess (a name one of the midwives gave her in the hospital) on 24th October and she's now 9 weeks old. I feel so lucky and blessed, and I am very happy with the clinic!
I'll write more about the actual parenting in the future, just wanted to give a background.
Hope you all had a Happy Christmas.
Deb

FertilityFriends

  • Advertisement
  • ***

    Offline deblovescats

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    • 2 BFNs 2012, DS 2014, DD 2016
    modify
    Parenting as a solo mum in your 40s
    « Reply #1 on: 31/12/16, 23:18 »
    This is an amazing New Year's Eve - previously I've dreaded the end of a year, although sometimes welcoming it, as I've felt my life isn't where I'd like it to be. I always used to make New Year's resolutions which never seemed to materialise - the usual ones such as losing weight, career progression, but also about meeting a great guy and having a family. I never seemed to be able to influence this one! I always felt this time of year was quite depressing - after the excitement of Christmas, however this year it's different!
    Although the guy hasn't appeared (lol - maybe that's a resolution for next year!) I'm now a mum of 2 - can't believe I'm writing this! 2017 is going to be a great year, I hope. Life definitely won't be the same again! My gorgeous boy James is now 2 years 6 months and my beautiful daughter Lydia is 9 weeks.
    Christmas was quite low key as I felt time was running away with me. As I had a C-section (not my choice) I was unable to drive for 6 weeks, so getting ready for Christmas was a nightmare. Friends were great in taking J to nursery for me, he goes 3 days a week. My mother is 87 and has a few health problems so needed help with her preparations so it's been all falling on me, as my sister who's also single, but no kids, works away as cabin crew. So I am very tired but looking forward to it. Christmas Day was spent with mum, her sister, aged 90, my own sister and my lovely children.
    Christmas Eve was beautiful. We all attended a Crib Service at the local church. I've been attending a toddler group and a music group with J and recently been taking L along. The vicar's wife who runs the music group, asked if L could take part in the crib service as Baby Jesus. J was a shepherd. So she's starting early with the starring roles (I'm into drama in a big way - although it's taken a back seat since having J!) It was a beautiful service and L behaved impeccably! I fed her (I'm breast feeding) before the service and then she went to sleep on me. I was anxious that she might wake during the service when I laid her down in the Moses basket which was standing in for the manger! She loves to sleep laying on her stomach on me, so I thought when I put her down she would protest. However, she was obviously influenced by the atmosphere! It was very calm and beautiful and she slept through it. When I carried her forward at the appropriate time, people were 'ahhing'. It made me tearful but I was so moved. It brings the real message of Christmas home to me. The vicar's wife said if she was upset, she had a stand in baby ready (the doll) but the understudy was not necessary! I felt so blessed and grateful to have my lovely children.
    Life is chaotic with two little ones on my own, but I think I'm coping. It's times like this that I really would love to have a partner to share it with and to support me, but I made a rational decision and don't regret it. Obviously if Mr Right comes knocking, I won't turn him away!
    I have 2 frozen embryos in storage at the clinic, and I paid in September to extend the storage period for another 2 years. I couldn't let them go and I need to decide what to do. I know it sounds mad and I know members on here who are still waiting for their BFP, will maybe feel that I am greedy, but I am thinking seriously about having a further cycle to give my embies a chance of life. I know they are just cells at the moment, but to me, they are potential babies! It's something to consider at the start of 2017.
    Happy New Year to everyone and good luck to everyone having cycles and hope everyone is coping with their little ones.

    Offline deblovescats

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    • 2 BFNs 2012, DS 2014, DD 2016
    modify
    Parenting as a solo mum in your 40s
    « Reply #2 on: 11/01/17, 23:47 »
    A belated Happy New Year to everyone!
    It's an amazing start to 2017 - being mum to 2! I'm very happy, but life is frenetically busy.
    James is currently having big problems with constipation - he's been prescribed lactulose - I know TMI! Poor baby was crying out with pain a couple of evenings ago, so major disturbed sleep! I'm hoping his medication helps. He's also bad at eating when he's at home, but eats well at nursery.
    I'm also trying to support J with his speech. I work in health visiting so I am aware of appropriate development. J has brilliant understanding and his speech is coming on, but he is behind for 2 1/2. I think sometimes he chooses not to speak. I am trying to encourage him to speak in sentences. Since before Christmas, have been trying to attend some sessions at the local Children's Centre as referred by speech therapist, to build his speech, but as I was the only one to turn up, they cancelled it. Trying to find out about it starting in Jan. It's hard not to have partner to discuss it with, but I'm coping.
    I've booked L into baby massage course next Monday. I did this with J as he had major colic as a new baby, which lasted about 7 months. Looking forward to it.
    Didn't have a holiday last year, so hoping to book one for this year.
    Planning to take L to see everyone at the clinic this month - going to arrange a chat with donor nurse as well to discuss options for my remaining embies!

    Offline deblovescats

    • Gold Member
    • *****
    • 2 BFNs 2012, DS 2014, DD 2016
    modify
    Parenting as a solo mum in your 40s
    « Reply #3 on: 18/08/18, 00:04 »
    I didn't do very well keeping this diary up to date did I? Life just sometimes gets in the way. It's been such a journey! I think I need to move to doing a more up to date diary - I've now passed another milestone - 50! can't believe I'm a mum to 2 beautiful children and am hoping to go again.