* Author Topic: Our new journey to become a family 2017  (Read 7545 times)

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Offline Thepinklady

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Our new journey to become a family 2017
« Reply #10 on: 13/01/17, 20:47 »
Just a few things I want to add about adoption/ conccurrency and your post. Also I wanted to clarify some terminology. It is the placement order that the courts will be considering not the adoption order. A placement order is needed for a child to be placed for adoption and then an adoption order is the final order that is applied for after the little one has been with their adoptive family for a minimum of 10 weeks.  Without a placement order a child can not be matched with an adoptive family. The only way they can be placed prior to a placement order is through fostering, hence the fostering to adopt and concurrency. If and when a placement order is granted you would be official matched for adoption and then could apply for an adoption order.

You have summed up concurrency fairly well. I will stress through that concurrency and foster to adopt are quite different and the risks are entirely different. In foster to adopt as you said the decision through a LAC review will have been made that the plan for the child will be adoption but this will have not yet been to court for a placement order but the social workers are fairly certain that the courts will agree. The only issue that might arise would be a family member presenting as a possible kinship carer. I think the statistics are around 98%  of placements go on to receive a placement order and subsequent adoption order.

Concurrency is quite different. The active plan for the child is rehabilitation home but concurrently to that plan is a plan for an early adoption, hence early placement with a foster family who will adopt them if need be. The cases choosen for concurrency are quite different to foster to adopt. In these cases while their is a history and it is deemed that the parents may well fail in their assessment they have shown some motivation to change or to be able to make the changes. The support and assessment they are given is very intense. The statistics here are around 90% of children end up adopted. This is considerably different to foster to adopt. We are one family who had their little one return home through concurrency. It did not put us off and we are in the middle of another concurrent placement but we are very strong emotionally and in our faith, it is not for everybody! The part of the country that I am in have a big concurrent pilot project running currently and to date after around 30 placements 4 children have returned home. It does happen in concurrency and you have to be prepared for it as a real possibility.

You can not enter into concurrency without believing in it as a child centred approach. The right outcome will be decided for the child and not you the adults. It should not be entered into as a way of getting a newborn or very young baby. You may end up heartbroken. Foster to adopt though is a much clearer and less risky and should be considered if you can deal with a little risk. it is fantastic to give the little one early permanence and I can honestly say if the little one we had had stayed with us having had her from very close to birth the outcome for us an family would have been so much better.

If you want to hear a little more about our experience with concurrency feel free to pm me. All the best in your decision making. You are doing the right thing in all your research and when you get into a home assessment your social worker will get to know you and help guide you into the right decision for you and I think the right route for you will before clear.

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    Offline itsonlybridge

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    Our new journey to become a family 2017
    « Reply #11 on: 14/01/17, 08:47 »
    Perkins - there is absolutely loads to get your head around but I am finding the research quite fulfilling to be honest. The more I am learning the more equipped I am, and it's easier to drip feed the end result of any research to DH as I go along which seems to work quite well as I have more time on my hands than him just at the moment.

    Pink Lady thank you so much for clarifying the information I posted, that makes a lot of sense and it its really helpful to hear this from someone who has the experience of having done it.
    I'm sorry to hear your first concurrent placement didn't end up staying with you but like you say, you have to go into that process with your eyes wide open and you will have given that child a loving secure home when they needed it the most.

    I dont think concurrency will be for us because as you say, that process is purely about the child and you need to be totally selfless about it but we are definitely now open to F2A.

    I'm sure I will have lots of questions as time goes on so thank you for the offer to pm you, really appreciate that and all the best with your current concurrency placement xx

    Offline itsonlybridge

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    Our new journey to become a family 2017
    « Reply #12 on: 16/01/17, 13:04 »
    Feeling emotional today as I have just found out that a lady I was cycling with has given birth to her twin boys.. We had the same due date so feels very bitter sweet  :-\ xxxx

    Offline itsonlybridge

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    « Reply #13 on: 16/01/17, 16:05 »
    So I had a call back today from one of the agencies we expressed an interest in last week. The sw began by saying my online application only gives my first name and phone number. I explained that I had submitted quite a lot of information including a full but brief description of our circumstances. She said that their systems are useless so it was probably their IT guys at fault!  She then immediately asked what age range we were looking at, I said under 4 (having learnt from previous sharp intakes of breath in response to my saying 0-2). She then launched into what sounded a very well rehearsed speech saying that unless there was something very special about us, there was no way we would get a white child under 4 placed with us through them... she gave an example that 1 year old twins were recently placed last week that had Down's...  I asked what she meant by 'special about us' and she changed the subject so I can only take that to mean, if we are prepared to take on a difficult to place child.

    I mentioned that we were also looking into F4A at which point she gave a laugh and asked what had made us look at that option!! I was feeling quite intimidated by this point but I explained that after some research on the subject, we felt it was in the best interest of any child and something that we were prepared to do. She replied 'yes it is in the best interest of the child and not you.  You might be fostering that child for a very very long time and then have to give it back... are you prepared for that?!'

    So having realised that this person was not interested in anything about us and just wanted to lecture me, I decided this probably wasn't the agency for us, thanked her for her time and ended the call.

    Not the greatest of days and I must admit I am feeling a bit defeated today with no other agencies having called back as yet.

    I am totally aware that we are not anywhere near even the bottom rung of this ladder yet and we have an awful lot to learn, research and process as we go through, but from my experience so far I can see why potential adopters might give up before they even get going! I am certainly not going to give up and can only hope that we will find an agency who's sw's support the needs of the adopter as much as the children they are trying to place.

    Offline Tictoc

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    « Reply #14 on: 16/01/17, 19:00 »
    I don't know about other people but get used to rejection, brush it off and keep going. First time round we were rejected by 8 LA's because we wanted a white baby under 2. It happened in the end though.

    After we adopted her a couple we met through that adopted a black baby and made me question my reasons for wanting a white child. We thought it was best for child to be within a family that reflected their ethnicity but the reality is a lot of mixed race babies stay in the system a long time so really is it better for them to be adopted or wait for the right ethnic match. Anyway - being more open here meant we were matched with young babies again. We live in a pretty diverse area so not know where you live or anything about you I don't know if this is something you could consider?

    Offline Perkins2

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    « Reply #15 on: 16/01/17, 19:33 »
    That was my experience with the VA that I phoned, sounds like the same person! I actually came away wondering why they had her answering calls as she was bordering on sounding sneering at my answers. I came off the phone feeling really bad that I wasn't prepared to take a disabled child. Also like you I have said 0 to 4 as I was too self conscious to say 0 to 2, although I've come round to the idea now.

    Our LA was much better & haven't made me feel bad at all for stating what we would prefer.

    We have said they don't have to be white British as long as they aren't too different looking to us. For my own selfish reasons I just don't want everyone looking at my family thinking I've been with a different man to my partner. Im sick as it is of every nosey Parker asking me when I'm getting married or when am I having children, I don't want to give people more nosey questions to ask me about!

    Offline itsonlybridge

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    « Reply #16 on: 17/01/17, 08:52 »
    Tic Toc and Perkins, thank you so much, it's good to know it's not just me feeling up against the authorities. I'm not going to change my answers to what they want to hear anymore.. At the end of the day, yes we do want aged 0-2 and that decision has been made after a lot of research and hearing from many other peoples experiences with older children.

    We are however willing to consider siblings with one of the siblings being above that age bracket and we will also consider F4A and like you Perkins, they don't have to be British White but not too different looking from us, for the same reasons you gave. We are also open to some medical conditions, and minor disabilities that don't affect quality of life..  But I am not going to be made to feel like a failure because we are not willing to accept children from a certain category....

    Honestly it amazes me that some of these agencies manage to get any adopters through the process with the way they speak to people.

    Anyway, thank you ladies for your messages and I certainly will be brushing it off and carrying on today with some more calls  :) 

    Offline Tictoc

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    « Reply #17 on: 17/01/17, 10:29 »
    That made me laugh Perkins - all 4 of my kids have different birth fathers and when people ask where they get their eyes (for example) from I struggle not to say 'oh I'm not sure - cant pinpoint who the birth father is'. I do think you need to be honest with yourself though and if it's an issue to you it's not going to do anyone any good being matched with a child who is clearly not yours biologically.


    Offline itsonlybridge

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    « Reply #18 on: 17/01/17, 12:43 »
    Well what a difference a day makes!

    Just spoken to a wonderful sw at an LA who I hadn't approached before as they are slightly further away than the others... She was nothing but positive and made me feel that we are very suitable with an awful lot to give a child/children. She spoke to her superior to make sure there wasn't an issue with the 6 month period since my m/c and she said that after speaking to me,  they are more than happy to take us on now  :)

    She had no issue with our pre-school age range or anything at all that we said, she just kept saying things like 'that's lovely, you have wealth of experience with that which is brilliant'.

    So she has opened a file for us and taken some details. We are booked in for an open evening with them next Wednesday and from there they will book our initial sw visit.

    Feeling much more positive about things now, at least we are on the bottom rung finally! xxx

    Offline itsonlybridge

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    « Reply #19 on: 27/01/17, 15:24 »
    Well they say everything happens at once!  We have had a call from a sw at the VA who said she had been trying to get in touch with us for a few days to make an appointment for a home visit, so we have booked her in for next Thursday.

    We have also been to the adoption evening with the LA which was a really positive experience. We were pleasantly surprised as we had heard a lot of people say that the information evenings are quite off putting. The lady was great, she went through the entire process and what we can expect to happen. It was all very honest and real, but positive and informative. She said they are running low on adopters so they are keen to recruit people as soon as possible. There were no surprises or anything we didn't expect so the research has paid off.

    We left feeling quite positive so I called them yesterday to register our interest and was told they would now pass our details to the adoption team and we would get a call within 10 days to book a home visit.  They called today! So we now have 2 home visits booked next Thursday with LA and VA, one in the morning and the other on the afternoon... at least we can make a more informed decision then.

    I have been researching 'attachment'. There seems to be much speculation about the subject but it has made for very interesting reading. There are so many issues that these little ones have to deal with, I agree that it's important that we as their future parents, are equipped to deal with these potential issues to the best of our ability.

    Meanwhile, we are catching up with jobs on the house that needed doing and have had the gardener in to sort out an area ready for the spring which will also make a bigger space for children. We are also doing a bit of decorating but we are deliberately avoiding the spare rooms in the hope that we could be making them into children's bedrooms before too long... I heard a wonderful saying on one of the adoption forums that is so fitting and actually makes me fill up every time I think about it.... 'Build it and they will come' xxx