Hi everyone
DH and I are currently 13 long years in to trying for a family. We have been together for 21 years and married for 10. After 4 natural mc, we turned to IVF but the first attempt failed. After extensive testing with a private clinic, we discovered I had high killer cells so our 2nd cycle included treatment to combat this. It worked and I became pregnant and we were stunned. I remember balling my eyes out staring at those 2 little lines, we were overjoyed. At a private early scan, we sobbed tears of joy when we saw 2 strong little heartbeats on the screen. Although ever so cautious, we thought all our dreams were finally coming true as the weeks went by and a second scan confirmed they were going strong although measuring a little bit on the small side. Despite this, I had a huge bump almost immediately (mainly due to OHSS) which I adored and never tired of marvelling at. I'll never forget sitting in the garden in the summer with DH, the pair of us grinning and talking about how the future would be with our little twins. Sadly it wasn't meant to be and we lost them just before 12 weeks
The nurse who had seen us through through the cycle and all the scans, grabbed my hand and told us she was so sorry but she couldn't find either of their heart beats The gut wrenching howl that came from somewhere so deep within me, the shaking sobs coming from DH as he held me trying to comfort me whilst the nurse also tried to hold it together will stay with me forever. Devastated doesn't even begin to cover how we felt and I knew then I couldn't go through it again.
The days following the scan passed in a blur of tears and emotion. We were handed over to the NHS and were made to wait before they would consider performing a D&C. My body refused to let my little babies go for 2 torturous weeks and finally I was booked into hospital and sent to theatre. It was the longest day ever and I can still see the pain etched on DH's face as he sat next to my bed trying to find the right words. The hospital agreed to send the twins remains for testing so we could at least try to find out why they had died.
6 weeks later the results were sent to us and we discovered they had both been boys They had Trisomy 22 which is a chromosome disorder incompatible with life. At least we had an answer and we silently said good night to our precious boys
I spent several months wondering whether we should have one last attempt with PGS IVF where they would screen the embryos for chromosome abnormalities before transfer, but that came with its own risks not to mention price tag! We talked and mulled it over and over but deep down I think I just knew I had reached the end. DH felt this more strongly and said that he didn't think he could cope, helplessly watching me go through it all again and we finally made the decision to close the door and look at a different way to create our family through adoption, which was something we always said we would consider if IVF failed.
Having made the decision, I feel as though a weight has been lifted. Our lives have been on hold for so long whilst we have ridden the fertility and IVF roller coaster, it is almost refreshing to have a new path to travel.
I don't think I will ever fully come to terms with not being able to carry my own child to term and give birth, but my way of thinking has changed from the desperate need to get pregnant, to the desperate need to have a family. When I think of the future, I predominantly think of my family doing things together and not of being pregnant and giving birth like I used to.
I've accepted that it is always going to sting when someone announces their pregnancy and I am always going to get a jealous pang when I see a pregnant woman. However I am also beginning to accept that we all have something in our lives that other people long to have and I am grateful for my wonderful DH. We have a relaxed and happy marriage. We are healthy and fairly fit and really enjoy spending time together. We have a lot of close friends and family who are very supportive of us and our situation. We have a lovely home in a country village with an amazing community and our best friends recently became our neighbours. I have a great job and my DH has recently set up his own business and the future is looking very bright with that. A family would now be the icing on the cake of our life and give us a purpose.
I long to cuddle my children, play in the garden in the paddling pool on hot summer days, go for picnics in our lovely countryside, bake in the winter and snuggle on the sofa watching a Christmas film, read bedtime stories and most of all hear the words 'mummy and daddy'. I totally get that the reality of life will involve tantrums, tears, hard work, long days and probably no sleep (we have 16 nieces, nephews and godchildren who have shown us that!) but we have been so ready for all of that for so long I actually can't wait!
So having contacted many adoption agencies which were all local authorities, I came across a charity run adoption agency who are not part of a local authority but who work alongside all of the authorities in the UK. Rather than just matching children within your area like the local authorities do, they have a wider pool of children within all of the authorities all around the UK. The phone call I had with them was the most helpful and positive and they immediately sent me an extensive information pack with an initial application form.
We are still open on age to a degree, but like a lot of people we would prefer as young as possible. We were told by all of the agencies that they already have many adopters waiting for ages 0-2 but we are not in a rush and it has to be right so we are willing to wait. I have also seen from these diaries and forums that the agencies seem to tell all potential adopters the same thing in the beginning and many then go on to be matched to a young LO quite quickly.
More research since then on other people's experiences and I think I may need to stop reading the stories because the more issues I come across the more I am narrowing down our options. For example, we initially we felt the younger the better, but then we didn't factor in that we wouldn't actually know at that stage if there were any learning difficulties etc that wouldn't show until early development check ups. At the other end of the spectrum, the older the child, the more traumatised they will be from their experiences. Don't get me wrong, we don't expect to adopt a perfect child, but at the same time, we are not going into this to deal with severe mental trauma either. We are just not equipped to deal with those issues, but there are many wonderful people out there who do take those children on and give them what they need.
We simply want to give a child/children who have had a difficult start in life, a loving forever home and I really hope that doesn't come across as selfish or nieve.
So we have completed our application form and have included that we have supported a family member though adoption as well as some friends so we have some understanding of the process involved. We have also already asked our chosen family and friends if they would agree to be referees for us and they have all said absolutely yes without question which is lovely.
We now have to wait for an initial appointment for a social worker to come out to see us so that is where we are currently.
Would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation or anyone further down the process who can relate to our stage and how we are feeling with things at the moment.
Thanks for listening to my waffle! Xx
DH and I are currently 13 long years in to trying for a family. We have been together for 21 years and married for 10. After 4 natural mc, we turned to IVF but the first attempt failed. After extensive testing with a private clinic, we discovered I had high killer cells so our 2nd cycle included treatment to combat this. It worked and I became pregnant and we were stunned. I remember balling my eyes out staring at those 2 little lines, we were overjoyed. At a private early scan, we sobbed tears of joy when we saw 2 strong little heartbeats on the screen. Although ever so cautious, we thought all our dreams were finally coming true as the weeks went by and a second scan confirmed they were going strong although measuring a little bit on the small side. Despite this, I had a huge bump almost immediately (mainly due to OHSS) which I adored and never tired of marvelling at. I'll never forget sitting in the garden in the summer with DH, the pair of us grinning and talking about how the future would be with our little twins. Sadly it wasn't meant to be and we lost them just before 12 weeks
The nurse who had seen us through through the cycle and all the scans, grabbed my hand and told us she was so sorry but she couldn't find either of their heart beats The gut wrenching howl that came from somewhere so deep within me, the shaking sobs coming from DH as he held me trying to comfort me whilst the nurse also tried to hold it together will stay with me forever. Devastated doesn't even begin to cover how we felt and I knew then I couldn't go through it again.
The days following the scan passed in a blur of tears and emotion. We were handed over to the NHS and were made to wait before they would consider performing a D&C. My body refused to let my little babies go for 2 torturous weeks and finally I was booked into hospital and sent to theatre. It was the longest day ever and I can still see the pain etched on DH's face as he sat next to my bed trying to find the right words. The hospital agreed to send the twins remains for testing so we could at least try to find out why they had died.
6 weeks later the results were sent to us and we discovered they had both been boys They had Trisomy 22 which is a chromosome disorder incompatible with life. At least we had an answer and we silently said good night to our precious boys
I spent several months wondering whether we should have one last attempt with PGS IVF where they would screen the embryos for chromosome abnormalities before transfer, but that came with its own risks not to mention price tag! We talked and mulled it over and over but deep down I think I just knew I had reached the end. DH felt this more strongly and said that he didn't think he could cope, helplessly watching me go through it all again and we finally made the decision to close the door and look at a different way to create our family through adoption, which was something we always said we would consider if IVF failed.
Having made the decision, I feel as though a weight has been lifted. Our lives have been on hold for so long whilst we have ridden the fertility and IVF roller coaster, it is almost refreshing to have a new path to travel.
I don't think I will ever fully come to terms with not being able to carry my own child to term and give birth, but my way of thinking has changed from the desperate need to get pregnant, to the desperate need to have a family. When I think of the future, I predominantly think of my family doing things together and not of being pregnant and giving birth like I used to.
I've accepted that it is always going to sting when someone announces their pregnancy and I am always going to get a jealous pang when I see a pregnant woman. However I am also beginning to accept that we all have something in our lives that other people long to have and I am grateful for my wonderful DH. We have a relaxed and happy marriage. We are healthy and fairly fit and really enjoy spending time together. We have a lot of close friends and family who are very supportive of us and our situation. We have a lovely home in a country village with an amazing community and our best friends recently became our neighbours. I have a great job and my DH has recently set up his own business and the future is looking very bright with that. A family would now be the icing on the cake of our life and give us a purpose.
I long to cuddle my children, play in the garden in the paddling pool on hot summer days, go for picnics in our lovely countryside, bake in the winter and snuggle on the sofa watching a Christmas film, read bedtime stories and most of all hear the words 'mummy and daddy'. I totally get that the reality of life will involve tantrums, tears, hard work, long days and probably no sleep (we have 16 nieces, nephews and godchildren who have shown us that!) but we have been so ready for all of that for so long I actually can't wait!
So having contacted many adoption agencies which were all local authorities, I came across a charity run adoption agency who are not part of a local authority but who work alongside all of the authorities in the UK. Rather than just matching children within your area like the local authorities do, they have a wider pool of children within all of the authorities all around the UK. The phone call I had with them was the most helpful and positive and they immediately sent me an extensive information pack with an initial application form.
We are still open on age to a degree, but like a lot of people we would prefer as young as possible. We were told by all of the agencies that they already have many adopters waiting for ages 0-2 but we are not in a rush and it has to be right so we are willing to wait. I have also seen from these diaries and forums that the agencies seem to tell all potential adopters the same thing in the beginning and many then go on to be matched to a young LO quite quickly.
More research since then on other people's experiences and I think I may need to stop reading the stories because the more issues I come across the more I am narrowing down our options. For example, we initially we felt the younger the better, but then we didn't factor in that we wouldn't actually know at that stage if there were any learning difficulties etc that wouldn't show until early development check ups. At the other end of the spectrum, the older the child, the more traumatised they will be from their experiences. Don't get me wrong, we don't expect to adopt a perfect child, but at the same time, we are not going into this to deal with severe mental trauma either. We are just not equipped to deal with those issues, but there are many wonderful people out there who do take those children on and give them what they need.
We simply want to give a child/children who have had a difficult start in life, a loving forever home and I really hope that doesn't come across as selfish or nieve.
So we have completed our application form and have included that we have supported a family member though adoption as well as some friends so we have some understanding of the process involved. We have also already asked our chosen family and friends if they would agree to be referees for us and they have all said absolutely yes without question which is lovely.
We now have to wait for an initial appointment for a social worker to come out to see us so that is where we are currently.
Would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation or anyone further down the process who can relate to our stage and how we are feeling with things at the moment.
Thanks for listening to my waffle! Xx