* Author Topic: Simplant trial + ICSI 3...lucky transfer 4? BFP! MMC 11 weeks IMSI 4..Baby Boy!  (Read 24608 times)

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Offline MadameG

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8 weeks 3 days pregnant  ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^

Scan went well AND Arty was starting to MOVE  :o wow!!! Just tiny little wiggles and starting to waggle his arms, my heart melted 😍😍😍😍 Beautiful strong heartbeat and looking like a little jelly baby. And my how much Arty has grown! Last time we saw Arty, he measured just half a cm and then today he is 16.2mm!!!

Can breathe a little easier now...

Midwife later tonight, which feels totally unreal to say!

Arty your daddy and I are both feeling very emotional and overjoyed and totally in love 😍😍😍😍💚💚💚💚🍀🍀🍀🍀 keep wriggling! xxxxx

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    Offline MadameG

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    9 weeks 1 days pregnant  ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^

    What a palava yesterday. Went for my follow up clinic scan in the morning at their new branch with their brand new nurse. When I went for my ohss scan, she was unable to do it because she hasn't really done abdominal scans before so I wasn't massively suprised when she told me yesterday that she wanted to do an internal scan instead. She did give the abdominal scan initially and Arty popped up straight away 😍 but she kept saying she'd never scanned at this gestation, only at 6/7 weeks via tvu and was obviously really nervous (plus clearly didn't really know what she was looking for). So we swapped to an internal scan and saw a lovely wiggly Arty artichoke with a gorgeous strong heart beat, DH and I could see all the limbs and all was gorgeous.

    Then she started doing measurements 🙈. She was clearly moving too quick as Arty was going in and out of focus like a trooper and the measurement she decided on meant that Arty had shrunk since Monday and was now measuring a whopping 6 days behind. Er, thanks for that love. It's not like my days are currently spent in a constant cycle of sheer excitement and all consuming anxiety!

    When I got back, I called Coventry to ask their opinion and to check my next scan date. They weren't concerned at all and so I have my 10 week one next Friday. My clinic nurse called me a bit later to say that she had spoken to my consultant at the clinic and they weren't concerned at all as heartbeat and everything else was fine and just to rescan in 2 weeks 😊😊😊😊 panic over, but I definitely did not need those seeds of doubt planted!

    I also had my 12 week nuchal scan through....for 14 weeks. Called up and the midwife had put my ec date down as my last menstrual period date  ::) so the scan has been rearranged for 12+1. That's three weeks today eeeeeeek! More eek is that I also have been given a date for the obstetric anaesthetist in December to discuss delivery meds etc as I have had a serious adverse reaction in the past to muscle relaxant and I also don't respond to sedation  :o

    Oh I didn't write about my first midwife appointment. It was totally surreal and if it wasn't for the scan photo I had with me, I would have felt like a total fraud! It just doesn't seem real that there is a little life inside me! The midwife was absolutely lovely and was really kind. She didn't make me recall all of the exact dates for our previous losses and just put approximates in and despite my (now rather complex) medical history, she didn't make me feel like a burden or inconvenience. Apparently it was quite exciting to start ticking all the yes boxes for everything! This then triggered the system to go a bit crazy and the risk screen started turning from green to ambers and reds, so as a result I have had referrals to the consultant obstetrician, obstetric anaesthetist as mentioned above, the foetal medicine centre owing to DH's hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and the physio team will be on standby as my joints are hyper mobile  ::) my first consultant appointment is on Tuesday! Eek!

    Last night we went through the videos that DH had taken of the scan today and in slow motion you can see Arty moving so so much!!!! He is turning his head from side to side, opening and closing his mouth, crossing his arms across his chest and kicking those little legs!!! Wow!! This made us feel SO much better, as he has got so many features and is a proper wriggler. I took a bunch of screen shots and sent them all to my family complete with eyes/legs/arms/jaw and even a hand label! We could also see where we think the nurse had gone wrong with the measuring - the few seconds before she took the measurement, Arty was completely filling the view she had of the sac but she moved the probe and he went out of focus, leaving quite a large apparent empty gap sans artichoke. If she had frozen the frame that split second earlier then I think he would have measured a good 4mm bigger, which would have tied in correctly. Definitely made us feel better and helped us feel more validated in our view that she has measured him incorrectly and to be quite frank, probably shouldn't have done the scan at all.

    Ah well, all is never simple and straight forward in infertility land!

    My darling little Arty artichoke. It was amazing to see you yesterday and to realise how much wiggling you are doing. I can't wait for you to get bigger and for me to feel all those movements too! We love you so much and can't wait to see you again in 6 more sleeps 😍😍😍😍🍀🍀🍀🍀💚💚💚💚 xxxxxxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    10 weeks pregnant  ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^

    Scan today up in Coventry. Attempt one: bladder too full despite my half a wee. Attempt two: Arty measuring a week behind... Attempt three: Arty uncurls out of his tight little ball, waves hands, arms, legs, waggles head, wiggles body, keeps trying to curl back into a ball, measures 25mm or 9+2 but only on a partially unfurled measurement. I think Arty is a bit small but the second opinion doctor did say that the measurements won't be accurate today as he's not stretching out properly. Everything else looked good: no sign of a bleed, heart rate going great, placenta developing well. Arty just seems to be a bit small...perhaps that's just how he is! My dad told me earlier that I measured below the very bottom percentile for the first few YEARS of my life. I know that all babies before 12 weeks are supposed to grow at roughly the same rate but I'm sure there must still be a bit of variation (and there is according to the paper on ranges of crl from 2010 on the foetal medicine website). It's still hard not to worry though. Especially as we are totally in love with you Arty 😍😍😍😍.

    I also had my first consultant appointment at the hospital this week. They did a quick scan of Arty (curled up in a ball  ::) and practicing putting his chin on his chest) but they didn't bother doing any measurements as he looked fine. Oh well, he looked fine after the nurse stopped hunting for him in my bladder 🙈🙈🙈🙈 at which point DH and I pointed him out at the top of the screen in my uterus....! I will start weaning off my prednisolone at 12 weeks, along with my other meds as planned but I will be on fragmin and aspirin throughout to reduce potential risks of having an undiagnosed blood clotting disorder (none has ever shown up but the experts are aware that there will be plenty more variations out there that we can't test for yet). We will have a foetal echo at 18 weeks to check for heart disorders, extra growth scans, oh and I will also be induced at 39 weeks  :o

    So plan is: stay sane, she says, scan at 11 weeks in Coventry, 11+4 at hospital, 12+1 for the official dating scan.

    Please keep growing big and strong my darling artichoke. I can't stop dreaming of what our life will be like when you are here 💚💚💚💚🍀🍀🍀🍀 xxxxxxxxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    11 weeks pregnant  ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^ ^banana^

    Scan in 4 and a half hours time - Arty I want to see some super wriggling and plenty of growth 🍀🍀🍀🍀💚💚💚💚 ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ xxxxxxxxxxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    Worst news possible today. In total disbelief and completely heartbroken.

    Sweet dreams Arty, you are forever in our hearts 💚 xxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    My darling Arty. It has been one week since that moment when we were told that they couldn't find a heartbeat. I lay on that scanning bed and sobbed. I looked across the room to your daddy: he was in tears and heartbroken, a terrible ocean of doctors and machinery separating us. I got up and went to him, holding each other and we cried with disbelief. It didn't seem possible. You were so still on the screen. The week before you were so active and waving. We thought you were saying hello but now it seems that you were saying goodbye...

    Our nurse from the Tommy's team was with us in the room. She was so shocked. She took us upstairs to their offices and our research midwife joined us. She seemed to be in shock too. They were so very kind to us, made us tea, gave us cake and sweets, held us while we cried, told me it wasn't my fault when I said that I felt like such a failure. They gave us the time we needed to breathe for a little while before having to take the next steps.

    In the moments before we were told those awful words I felt so naive. We had been having a silly chat with everyone about me needing to turn my phone off because our cctv at home kept being triggered by the dogs singing to the radio. When I was told that I needed an internal scan because the picture wasn't very clear, I thought it was because I had emptied my bladder too much after the week before when it was too full. I just didn't think. When they were frantically phoning around, trying to get my notes to check the measurements from the week before, I thought it was just because it was a different doctor. When the second doctor who took over the scanning didn't speak for ages and I didn't see my husband giving me a discrete thumbs up, I started to panic. I eventually asked if she could see a heartbeat, she said that she was struggling to find one but would look again...she showed me the screen and you were so still. I think you must have entered your final sleep not long after we saw you last.

    I felt such guilt that I didn't instinctively know that something was wrong, that you were slipping away from me. I still don't sense it. If it wasn't for that scan, I just wouldn't know.

    After we had drunk our tea and sat for a while, we had to go the epu at the hospital to be scanned on a higher quality machine to be sure. The nurse was very kind and let us see the screen. You were curled up in a little ball, as if you were just sleeping, tiny but perfect. You had changed a little from when we last saw you wiggling away, you had tiny feet but were no bigger. She offered us scan photos and I took them, grateful for a last reminder. I have them next to our bed. When I got up to get dressed, I turned around to see your daddy crying like I have never seen before. He was devastated. We wept together. My heart broke all over again. He desperately asked me not to delete our shared cloud folder of photos and videos of you. Of course not, I never will.

    The drive home was so long. We spoke in snippets. Both in shock and disbelief. Heartbroken, sad, angry and numb all in one. It is a cruel twist that my all day nausea had me throwing up still and we had to pull over. We came home and went to bed.

    The next few days were the hardest. I didn't sleep the first night; every time I closed my eyes those awful moments played out in front of me all over again. I would fall asleep, wake, wonder what a corner of my mind was saying was wrong and then remember it all over again. We were consumed with grief and we talked a lot about our sadness, our dreams that had been suddenly snatched away and how we might tiptoe forward. I am very very lucky to have a husband who is very supportive and we are a strong couple together. We have had moments on this journey where we didn't click together but ever since we lost our first Little Bean almost two years ago, we have been united. He told me that he really wants to have children with me, but there is no pressure either way if I want to stop. In moments I don't feel strong enough to carry on but the overwhelming desire always comes back and I know that we will try again.

    I have really struggled with the physical side this week. My breasts are still very big, I still have a lot of nausea, I still get very tired, heartburn, indigestion and my bump has grown a lot again. For the first few days I was very distressed and tried my best to desperately hide it despite my clothes no longer fitting me, I was horrified when I found myself absentmindedly stroking it. Then I spoke to your Daddy and he told me it was okay to still want to cradle you there and he was so sad to no longer be kissing and stroking you through my bump. I told him it was okay if he still wanted to and he said that he had been too afraid to ask me. So much sadness. He said that he missed you so much. That he missed talking about you. 

    On Wednesday we had to go the epu at the hospital where I would have given birth. We needed to go through all of the details for the surgery scheduled this coming Monday, as my body doesn't want to let you go. Everyone was so very kind to us and spent a lot of time talking it all through. The anaesthetist came to see me as I was very frightened about the general anaesthetic as in the past I nearly died from not metabolising the muscle relaxant used during surgery and becoming re paralysed again on the ward. We got to see you one final time to confirm that you were still sleeping and the sonographer was so kind to us. She let us see all the parts of you that we wanted to and got a final photo where we can see your little legs and arms, sleeping in your little ball. I asked her opinion on the thickness of the nuchal fluid and although there are no official measurements at the time you went to sleep, she agreed that the fluid layer was very very thick and it is likely that you were too poorly to continue growing. It gives me a little peace to think that if you were not meant to be, you have gone to sleep now in the only home that you have known, rather than suffering for a long time. It is still so painful though and I wish that things were different.

    Darling Arty, you should be 12 weeks today and we should be celebrating the next stage in your life. Instead we have the memories of the immense joy you gave us for the short time that you were growing inside of me. Daddy says that you knew that you were loved so, so much.

    I do think that your little spirit is around us still. The night after we learned of our loss, the alarms in our house sounded for a few seconds for no reason in the middle of the night and then turned themselves off. This is not physically possible and they need manually resetting. There was a meteor shower the next night and as soon as we went outside to look up, the brightest most incredible shooting star flew over us and we said it was for you. Yesterday when we were in the car, I had the strongest, most over whelming feeling of a little boy sat behind me. It's okay if you want to move on darling. We love you so much. It's okay if you want to go into the stars or if you want to start a new life in a new body. You will always be in our hearts.

    Thank you Arty. Thank you for the happiness you gave us. Thank you for giving me the strength to believe that I will become a mummy. Thank you for showing my body that it can support a pregnancy and that it will do so successfully in the future. Thank you for giving us hope when we almost had none. It's time for you to sleep now.

    All our love,

    Mummy and Daddy 💚 xxxxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    Darling Arty, you were born and gone on Saturday 19th August at 3.40pm at home, so tiny, so fragile, with the most beautiful perfect little hands that are my last memory of you waving to us at the scan. My waters broke and you were here a few minutes later. I'm sorry that I was in so much shock at the speed of it that I couldn't stop shaking to pick you up properly to hold you. My breasts have been leaking in a last attempt by my body to nourish you - I know my body tried so hard this time.

    I was spared the erpc yesterday and instead we left the hospital and had a nice morning having lunch at the garden centre, pancakes and streaky bacon, where we sat and talked about you and how sad we are that our plans, hopes and dreams are now gone. But we also talked about how much joy you gave us and that you have given us the hope for the future that we need, although I am very frightened to try again.

    It's a very strange morning to wake up to today. My body still looks the same, my bump is still there but your body isn't with me or in our home. Just the memories. It feels like it was all just a fairy tale with a sad ending.

    I hope you are at peace Arty, wherever you are. Daddy says that on Friday he felt a strong presence that he felt was you, so he told you that he loved you and that it was okay for you to move on. I hope you heard him.

    I miss you so much my darling. Love you with all my heart xxxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    Almost three weeks since we said goodbye 😔

    Still feeling sick, still leaking colostrum when I shower, bump still hasn't completely gone, still have another four kilos of IVF/pregnancy weight to lose, my face and back of my neck have got a lot of extra hair growth... I have however finally come off the steroids and this is the second day I have had without any bleeding or spotting.

    Everyone keeps asking me how I am and the honest truth is that I am really struggling. I feel on the brink of tears a lot of the day. I have a few hours where I'm fine and then I remember and it hits me all over again. Or I see something that brings it all back - yesterday was when I put away my paperwork and I saw that I had written on the back the name of the cemetery where Arty will go along with the other tiny angels from the hospital. I know that I am still grieving but sometimes the depth of my feelings scare me. I don't know what is 'normal' or for how long I'm 'allowed' to feel this way. I have lost so much in the last three years - DH's father, my grandfather, my cousin, my grandmother...and eight tiny pregnancies. I feel like I have been in a constant cycle of grief and I have reached my limit. I'm waiting to hear back from the counsellor at my clinic as I know that I need some help. My consultant is calling me weekly to check on me, which is very kind of her. I think she's making sure that I don't drop into a black hole.

    To top everything off, today's announcement is that my cousin's wife is expecting their third child around the same time that Arty should be here. And of course there is a royal child due then too (the second one that ties in with our lost due dates), so that we will be an inescapable reminder in March.

    I am so very sad, I so wish that things were different.

    I'm not sure how normal this is but sometimes at night I imagine that I have my baby sleeping next to me or that I am holding their hand. I miss Arty so damn much.

    Something that I am thankful for is the incredible support that I have had from ladies on here. You have been so kind and caring. What an incredible community this forum has created. If I haven't replied to you yet, I am sorry and I will get to you, some days I just don't have the strength. Love you all X

    Love you so much Arty 💚 xxxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    Four and a half weeks on...

    I've started spotting brown today. I'm presuming it is my period (and obviously hoping it's not retained products which I think would be very unlikely) but I'm quite suprised that it is at such a regular interval after the miscarriage.

    I think my bump has finally gone down with just a smidgen left, although isn't it hard to remember what normal is as soon as something is different? I have noticed that my head hair has been falling out quite a bit although I can't see any bald spots thank goodness. I'm hoping that it is just the big hormonal shift and that it may regulate soon.

    Mentally I had a few days of feeling much stronger and like I'd turned a big corner, then the last three days I've really struggled. I know that I need to allow myself to feel the grief in order to process it (as a good friend reminded me today  ^hugme^ ) but it is so very painful. I have my first session with the clinic counsellor on Wednesday, I think it'll be very hard but I do need the help.

    Miss you so much Arty 💚 xxxxx

    Offline MadameG

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    As soon as I finished that last post my AF arrived with a vengeance. I never start at speed like that, but I suppose anything is 'normal' after a miscarriage. It has been extremely heavy (again unlike me nowadays) with a lot of small clots. I've even filled a Tena pad from a pack I bought when I knew I was about to miscarry. At least it shows that my body is getting back into a normal rhythm again.

    Yesterday we had our counselling session. It was a bit of an emotional whirlwind but it was good for the feelings to be validated and classed as 'okay' to feel that way. I was also suprised how much DH spoke and clearly benefitted from it, after telling me he didn't want or need to go, he was just supposed to be there for me :). She was very kind but is of the firm opinion that I need to have some specialist trauma therapy as I have been getting flashbacks to miscarriages since before this loss. They can be triggered by anything that remotely resembles the physical side of things  ^eyes^, like a squashed sweet on the floor, bit of tomato in the sink....When I've been having AF this year, I've felt like I need to consciously reassure myself that it's not another miscarriage to stop the panic rising. My poor mind is stuck I think and not escaping the initial trauma phase  :( Needless to say it was a very weepy session for me and I have booked a gp appointment next week to ask for the referral.

    In the meantime, we need to carry on having as much 'me' time as possible, which means nice dog walks and growing things at the allotment  :)

    ....💚 Xxx