* Author Topic: Trying for number 2! Known donor, FET #1 m/c, FET #2 BFP!  (Read 10763 times)

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Offline OzCalling

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Trying for number 2! Known donor, FET #1
« Reply #20 on: 4/04/17, 04:52 »
OTD (11dp5dt)

Got the call from the clinic, HCG is 673 which is brilliant news. Yet somehow I can't let myself believe it, as the bleeding has been off and on all day so far and has gone way beyond spotting. My progesterone level is not quite where they'd like it to be so waiting for another call back to see if they want to up the dosage of those horrible pessaries.

Never expected to be feeling glum with such a great beta. Nurse just told me to take things very gently and they will retest my levels in a week. So no picking up DD, have no idea how I will manage this  :-\

16F: Hooray for you being so strong and sending out so much lovely HCG!!! Mummy is still very worried that this bleeding is affecting you, I just hate the thought that some of your cushion is coming away, but I just have to give myself a stern talking to that you will be alright. You are made of strong stuff, you've survived being frozen and thawed and poked with a needle and so I just hope with every fibre of my being that all will be well and we get to meet in 9 months time...  :) xxx

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    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #21 on: 4/04/17, 23:51 »
    More bright red bleeding today and woke up with AF cramps too  :'( Finding it very hard to believe that I am pregnant. Going to try for a doctor's appointment tomorrow so I can get another blood test done. I can't wait until Tuesday, I will absolutely lose my mind.

    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #22 on: 5/04/17, 02:32 »
    DH has gone from supporting and sweet to absolutely infuriating. He gets annoyed when I am upset and he is powerless to do anything about it but it is about the most unhelpful thing in the world. He saw me crying and cuddling our fur baby (I was trying to do it away from him so he wouldn't see) and when he asked me what's wrong (seriously???) and I said I was just so worried, he did a big sigh and started getting annoyed with me! After shouting at him to leave me alone he's now slammed a door and I feel like screaming, crying, punching a wall and crawling back into bed and not coming out again all at the same time. I know there is nothing to do but wait. I know that there is no answer and that nature will just run its course and no one can do anything about it. But that doesn't mean I can just ignore how I feel, especially when there are a zillion different hormones going crazy right now!

    Have to go into a conference we are attending for work in half an hour. Hoping that getting out of the house, forcing a smile onto my face and having to have conversations with other people will take my mind off this. It is a horrible feeling, I wouldn't wish this limbo on anyone.

    Bright red bleeding continues and is showing no signs of slowing down or stopping.

    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #23 on: 6/04/17, 07:39 »
    DH is my sweet, supportive pillar of strength again, he was just worried and upset and we show it in different ways.

    This post is pretty tmi, so if you're a bit squeamish or are trying to eat breakfast or something, maybe skip this post...

    Today has gone from bad to worse I'm afraid, woke up this morning again with the same bright red blood. Sorry for the detail readers, but it's the brightest red I've ever seen, either AF-wise or otherwise! I had to go into the office today so things were going ok until I went to the bathroom at about 9.30 and felt a gush, there were also a couple of tiny clots on the pad. When I came out I had someone waiting for me for a meeting I'd forgotten about, I'd no sooner got rid of her than I had to go on an hour long conference call with my assistant sitting next to me. I could feel the bleeding was heavy and I was terrified about leakage. After what felt like 3 hours not one I dashed to the bathroom, blood literally pouring out  :'(

    Got myself together and went outside to call the nurse, I said there was no way I could wait until Tuesday for a blood test and I just needed to know if this is all over. So I'm booked in for another blood test at 7.30am tomorrow. She advised to go home and rest for the rest of the day, so I did just that and walked out saying I needed to leave without much explanation. Bleeding lightened up but I have passed a clot about the size of a shreddies cereal bite (or maybe 2 one on top of each other). Since then the bleeding has slowed down a lot.

    Part of me has convinced myself that this is over. But there is still a glimmer of hope that the bleeding is unrelated and that 16F is clinging on in there. I've read about miracles where that happens, but of course it's the exception not the norm. Did another Clear Blue and results still showing pregnant 2-3, so levels clearly not dropping too much. Also have had absolutely minimal cramping, and usually I get AF cramps. 

    Oh 16F, I'm so sorry that my body is letting us down like this  :'( I am praying that you are staying strong and just holding on in there, I just wish my body would stop this and work on building up your home not tearing it down. I'm not giving up on you though, I love you xxxx

    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #24 on: 7/04/17, 07:10 »
    ...4pm and still no call from the clinic, I rang to check they haven't lost the results or something and was told that I'm on the call list and will hear but it's a long list today. Going OUT OF MY MIND  ^eyes^

    Bleeding continues, still bright, bright red. Not heavy, this is nothing like AF bleeding either. Still no cramps. Haven't done any tests today as I'm scared that they'll either be going backwards or will give me false information. Only the blood test will tell what's really going on.

    Saw my best friend for coffee and my heart is breaking for her. My darling godson, her little boy, is almost 9 months and the specialist they are taking him to for his development says he's only now learning social and emotional behaviours that are expected between 0-3 months of age. On top of that they just got back from a trip to the UK and he is not eating, not sleeping and had surgery to retrieve (thankfully successfully) one testicle that had not descended from the abdomen. They now think he's picked up a bug from hospital as well. She's going back to work for the first time next Tuesday. They couldn't have more on their plates if they tried. I just wish I could be of more use, she is distraught, scared, exhausted and doing an amazing job of holding it together. It certainly puts my problems into perspective, I just have to remember that whatever happens we are so very lucky and grateful to have our beautiful daughter and each other.

    16F: Just hoping with all my might that you are OK. I am so much more nervous about this call that I was on OTD. Oh please clinic, put me out of my misery  ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^

    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #25 on: 7/04/17, 11:52 »
    The limbo continues... nurse called to say that unfortunately hcg had dropped to 560, progesterone also lower, but she couldn't get hold of me dr to give me the plan so she called me back to say dr hasn't lost hope and wants me on complete bed rest over the weekend, more progesterone and more bloods Monday.

    WHF? I have never heard of a good outcome of hcg dipping this early in the game. If there'd been 2 embryos maybe, or if the embryo had split and I lost one? Hugely unlikely. I know in my heart this is over and this extra waiting is just prolonging the torture.

    Bed rest also makes it so much harder on my family, my DD deserves better than a weekend trapped inside with a father getting over tonsillectomy and mother clinging to an almost certainly lost dream.

    Yet again this cycle has me stumped. I never ever thought this week could end like this. I had thought the results today would be black and white, if good I would have done everything to try and support my baby and if bad I was planning on gentle walks to the park and playing with my baby girl. Oh and getting stuck into a bottle of wine! I just feel lost and so sad that what was all looking so textbook has spiralled into this mess.

    16F: i love you whether you're still with me or not. I thought of a new nickname for you which is k-bear, you are my little koala who has put in amazing efforts to hang on despite my body failing you. Words can't express how sorry I am xxx

    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #26 on: 9/04/17, 04:51 »
    So I ignored the doctor's advice  :P DD didn't have a great night on Friday night and I got up a couple of times to comfort her and give her Calpol as she has a cold. Then I woke in the morning to hear her calling out for me, so DH went to get her. He had had a terrible night's sleep and his throat had flared up a lot and he felt terrible. I lay on the sofa trying to play with DD whilst horizontal, but then she wanted to get up and go outside and I told her I couldn't. I looked outside to see a perfect, sunny day starting and everything just felt all wrong. I knew in my heart that this pregnancy was over and it just felt unfair on all of us to stay in bed for 2 days, which I truly knew wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference. I know that 16F and I parted ways on Thursday and I needed to get up and start to move on. I would feel guilty for missing out on a beautiful day with the beautiful family I already have and that just felt wrong.

    I rang the nurse (same one that gave me my results on Friday) and explained how I felt. She said she understood and would call my Dr and ring me back. She also said that the chances of lying down doing anything at this early stage and with my results were slim to none. I'd already made up my mind, so I had a shower, put on some make up, played with DD and I felt instantly better. It felt like the right thing to do. When she went down for a nap, I went and got a manicure & pedicure (haven't had one in almost 7 years as it's not really my thing!), but that too made me feel much better. Went for a gentle walk with furbaby and DD to the park, went to visit a girlfriend with 2 girls aged four and two, and another on the way in 11 weeks! Far from feeling jealous, I was actually grateful for my gorgeous girl who played so sweetly, ate her dinner and was generally so well behaved and calm compared with my friend's kids. Had a couple of glasses of wine and watched House of Cards with DH in the evening.

    My dr rang while I was at my friend's house (I'd already told her what had happened) and he sounded really sorry about what had happened. I think he was the most surprised of all of us, he truly thought this pregnancy was going to last as everything was looking so textbook. I explained that I couldn't stay in bed and that I knew it was over and he agreed and said I could come off the meds and just go in for my blood test on Monday to check that my body is recovering OK. I am still bleeding bright red but it is very light. I am so lucky that I haven't had any pain yet, I hope it's not still to come. I have no idea how long the bleeding will last, I imagine not too long as I was so newly pregnant.

    Today is another beautiful day and I feel so much stronger already. Of course incredibly sad that this is how this has ended, but also grateful for all that I do have. I think of all the people on this board who have lost babies and haven't experienced becoming a mother yet and I am one of the lucky ones and I will never forget that or take it for granted.

    To my darling 16F, I am so sorry that we never got to meet and that for whatever reason this was not to be. I will never forget you xxxx

    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #27 on: 28/04/17, 04:01 »
    Had our follow-up appointment with our Dr, who said he was very sorry to see us in these circumstances as the cycle couldn't have gone any better and he thought it was a sealed deal  :-\ He said that there's still so much they don't understand and even with the PGS testing 1 in 4 women still have a miscarriage and I was one of the unlucky ones. He also believes that the work currently going on investigating Mitochondria may shed some more light but that really there's nothing that he would have done differently so we just have to put it down to 'one of those things'. I asked about whether it could be an issue with me and about immune issues etc, but he said he's reluctant to go down that path as there is no scientific evidence that immune treatments actually work as there have been no clinical trials.

    So, the plan is that we go again when my period arrives, which will hopefully be within the next 3 weeks. I asked if we could try the same protocol as I had with DD and he said that if I'm happier doing that he's more than happy for me to - I put forward my concerns about progesterone levels given that with DD they were 133 and with 16F only 33, but he said the evidence says that anything over 20 is perfectly fine and a higher number has no more of a positive outcome. But I think at least doing the same protocol and having my body ovulate will at least put me in a better frame of mind that I'm doing something different and that hopefully it will work.

    When we were waiting to start treatment for DD, and during that treatment, I seemed to see pregnant women or babies everywhere I looked. I now see mothers of 2 or more kids, or pregnant women with another child in tow! It is uncanny  :o I took DD to her swimming lesson today and they were everywhere!!! There didn't seem to be a parent of only one child anywhere in sight...

    I swing between feeling utterly grateful for the beautiful girl I have and enjoying my time with her alone, and longing for another baby whilst panicking that we may never be able to give her a sibling. I've heard the stories about people having an impossible time falling pregnant the second time, what if that's us? I also worry about her being the only one having to go through the journey of being donor conceived and 'different', whereas at least a sibling would buffer that a little as they'd have each other. Ultimately I just really, really, desperately want another child to complete our family. For a long time the thought of another was the furthest thing from my mind, but now it's quite the opposite.

    I'll be honest that I felt quite confident, almost cocky, when I started this diary. I felt the odds were so strongly stacked in our favour that this was bound to work, and quickly. I really wasn't surprised that it worked first go, I would have been surprised if I hadn't seen that second line especially with the PGS. I had faith that my body had done it before, that we had so many blasts, that 4 of them were normal after the test.... Now, I'm questioning everything and my expectations have come back to earth with a thump. It's not that I'm pessimistic, we still have 3 viable embies to go so we're a long way from out, but we'll just have to wait and see.


    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #28 on: 9/05/17, 01:20 »
    Still waiting for AF, now 5 weeks since OTD and when I started bleeding, so I'm hoping she isn't too far away! That said, yet again I have an immovable travel date in 2 weeks' time, so kind of hoping that it doesn't come for a few more days at least otherwise it's going to make scheduling difficult. I just rang to order my meds and we agreed that when I ring up to tell them I'm ready to start we can plan out the days and if it looks like my travel date will get in the way we can always revert to doing the progynova/pessaries cycle instead because I still have some left over so we have a plan B.

    Been doing OK, time passing quite slowly and now and then I keep thinking of how far along I would be now if 16F had stuck with us, which always makes me a bit sad. This week I've started to kick myself into gear health-wise as it's been far too easy to have a glass of wine after DD is in bed in the evening... I've still been taking my vitamins and even forked out for the hugely expensive Blackmores Conception Gold just to throw something else at it! Been exercising but not too vigorously and getting lots of sleep, luckily work isn't too stressful at the moment so that also helps.

    Had a lovely birthday weekend this last weekend up in QLD and a birthday breakfast with DH's brother and family and his Dad. Told my SIL about the miscarriage and she was sorry to hear it, we also spoke about their plans to tell their eldest child about DD's conception as she is 4 now and although not directly asking 'where do babies come from yet' it probably isn't far off, so good to get prepared. Going to book in to see the councillor we saw a few years back to talk through it all.

    Nothing more to report really, will post again when the witch arrives!

    Offline OzCalling

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    « Reply #29 on: 23/05/17, 13:03 »
    Stims Day 2

    Sorry for neglecting you diary, life has been hectic! Well as you can see from the title above, we've kicked off our second cycle  :)  This time I'm on a light stims and trigger ovulation cycle, same as I did successfully with DD. The drug is different, it's not Gonal-F it's some name beginning with B that I can't remember the name of.


    As there was no sign of AF by last Wednesday (6 weeks after I started bleeding and 3 weeks since our follow up appointment), they did another blood test and sure enough AF showed up the very next day. Typical! I also did a blood test to check my thyroid and luckily that's also normal, phew. It's slightly under the ideal threshold of between 1 and 2 for TSH, but it's 0.79 so not too low.


    I was told to start my 75 units of the stims on day 4 of my cycle, which happened to coincide with a work trip to Melbourne (of course it did). So I had to pack a lunch box with my drugs in and an ice pack and put it in the work fridge during the meetings. I was told to do the injections as close to the same time of day as I can so as we were out for dinner Monday night I had to quickly do it before we went out because otherwise it would have been at 10.30 or so at night (way past my usual bedtime these days!). It was all a bit of a mad rush as we were running late for our dinner reservation so no time to be squeamish! Then tonight I was flying at the time I was meant to do the jab so I had to do it again in a rush in the ladies loo before I boarded! Luckily no more evening plans this week so things will settle down now I hope.


    Back for a blood test on Friday to see how my hormone levels are tracking. I really don't know what to make of my feelings at the moment, on the one hand I'm really excited to be doing something again and be 'in the system' rather than the horrible limbo land between cycles. On the other hand, I'm so scared of it not working  ^eyes^  I had so cockily thought that I would definitely be pregnant when my mum arrives in July, and now that's only 5 or so weeks away there's a very distinct possibility that won't be the case. But I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that things go our way this time  ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^