* Author Topic: The life of a full time working mumma to a miracle boy 💙  (Read 30405 times)

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Offline Bubbles12

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Dear Diary

9dp5dt.......

So....

On wednesday, i cried all day at work. I was so bad, work offered to let me work from home or go into one of the meeting rooms and work alone in there. I decided to work alone in the meeting room. At one point, i wanted to go to the canteen to get a drink, but i couldnt, my face was a mess.
It didnt help that last week, a friend/work colleague announced her pregnancy last week, so she came in and our colleague was congratulating her etc... now, she knows all about my cycle and i could sense her feeling so awkward, i really dont want that... so i took myself away from it.
My boss came into see me, he shocked me as we had a good chat, and boy, did i cry. Again, like before, we suggested we tell the team what was going on. He reasoned that it would atop gossiping and people would be more sensitive which conversations they have with me. I dont want people walking on eggshells around me but i just couldn't be bothered. So he announced it in the huddle what was going on. Nobody has mentioned it to anyone so i guess it has done what he said it would.

So, i left and decided to get another test from boots. Mainly to prove to everyone that it was a chemical and people would stop trying to give me hope.

I came home, peed in a pot, wiped, and i had brown blood. Instantly, i started cramping, could have been mind over matter. My first thought, and i smirked at this was 'great, just paid best part of 11 for tests i no longer need.'
Then i thought, at least this was it now, now i know, then i thought how i predicted if AF was going to come, it would be on 7dp.
As id opened the wrapper of the FRER already, i thought i may as well use it, then i would go to tesco, buy a bottle of wine and drown my sorrows.
Well, knock me down.... it was another BFP! Still faint (to be expected at 7dp) but not a squinter and was the darkest line ive had so far.
So you can understand how confused i am!

2 days later, im still brown spotting. I still have cramps but these are, what i think from the progesterone ratyer thab the spotting.
I called the clinic, she said i should be optimistic of getting a BFP at this stage. She didnt seem too phased that i got a near negative on the test before. She said they wasnt concerned at all with the brown spotting as its old blood. If it turned red, with pain, then seek medical assistance.
She told me to not test now until OTD (Monday) ad that would give a true result then.
So yesterday, i had a complete day of vegging out on the sofa. I also didnt test (go me). Im actually too scared to test. Im in a little bubble where, i know this may not happen, that a chemical is still on the cards, but also that something is trying to happen so im holding on to that.
In my heart, do i think its a chemical.... absolutely. But im hopeful that its not. Me keep doing tests isnt doing my mental state any good and i feel better already by not doing them. Of course, i want to know. And at this point, i could know if i did a test. But i dont want to be over analysing it. I want to see it and it be obvious what is happening.
I worry that the last BFP i got, i had gone for a wee for 7 hours. But that said, the almost negative i got was FMU so also no wee for over 7 hours. Its so confusing.

Symptoms, not alot. No sore boobs at all. Crampy and twingy, a little backache from time to time and im tired. But i think im only tired as i have loads going on. I have a busy head. No bloating really either. Body wise, i feel normal (apart from the ceamps), which convinces me this a chemical.

So, currently in limbo. The brown bleeding could be inplantation bleeding... could be from EC or it could be the start of something.

1 thing i have learnt from this.... as hard as it is waiting out on the 2WW for OTD.... i will NEVER test early again. I have gone through far worse this week by testing early than just waiting.

Im off to the Xmas fayre today at the NEC
Im looking forward to having my mind distracted. Im concerned with the amount of walking with my spotting but will keep an eye on it throughout the day, if it gets worse,  or changes colour, i will come home.

Me and OH have decided to test on Sunday. He is working Sunday into Monday so it will be a rush job to get a test in and digest the result. So we will do it at some point on Sunday. Im reluctant to use FMU as it gave me such a faint positive the other day.

I will of course, test earlier, if my bleeding worsens.

After the day i had on Wednesday, it would be pretty cruel to let me relive it all again on Sunday!

Keep your fingers crossed for me please. Im so nervous



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    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    10dp5dt

    I have never got this far not knowing if im pregnant or not.

    I feel tired. DS is poorly so it could be down to that, or it could be down to anxiety... who knows.

    Breakfast is hard. My normal breakfast, porridge witg raapberries makes me feel ill, before and after eating it. However, ive been eating this, almost everyday, since January so im sick of it.
    Toast, which i love, im off a well.

    The spotting has been consistent, not enough to go on pad but there when i wipe. Im on knicker watch to see if it goes red.

    I feel utterly sick and so anxious about doing a test. My OTD is monday but i know now, at any point, if i got a BFP or BFN , that would be the genuine result.
    Part of me want to get it over and done with. Part of me just doenst want to know.
    After how i was the other day, i cant bare to feel like that again.... and there is a high possibility, i will 😏.
    I may not.... but either way, i feel so sick.


    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    10dp5dt

    4 + 1 weeks Pregnant

    Yep, im pregnant. 😁 I cant believe it.

    I had a slight inkling something was going on as i have started to feel tired. Im so off my breakfast, or any home cooked food (currently wanting a KFC).
    So, i text OH and asked if we could test after work as i was so anxious.
    I got home after holding my wee for 4 hours, then did a digital and a FRER. Waited the 3 mins. Pregnant 1-2 and a line on the FRER.
    The worrier in me is that i would have liked the line to be a little darker, but im not doing any more tests. If its a chemical, i will find out in due course. Me keep doing tests isnt going to prevent it, only worry me even more.

    OH is excited. Ive just got to let it sink in a little. Never did i believe i would ever be a mum of 2 😁

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    4+3 weeks pregnant

    So in the 2 days since i posted, my symptoms have appeared. I was starting to think it was mind over matter but i dont think it is. My breasts are tender, im bloated (on and off) and im tired.
    If i recall, i never had these symptoms when i had my last chemical so im comforted by these symptoms and they are very much welcomed.

    Ive called the clinic, given them the results of my test. I have my 7 week scan booked in for Monday 9th December.... a whole 3 weeks away 😭 how will i cope for that long!
    I always remember saying that this week was worse than the 2ww....
    Im still worried its a chemical, i cant help it. But with me at work and having DS to care for, i do get distracted alot.

    Im tempted to test again Thursday. I just want to see a nice dark line. Which will be great if i do. But if i dont, it will send me into a panic so im not sure it is worth it.

    Got to go to the clinic on Thursday to puck up a prescription for cyclogest. But only enough to keep me going until im 10 weeks.

    Im so excited to tell DS... i thinking currently im more excited about that than anything else, but we cant tell him until 12 weeks as he will literally tell everyone!

    X

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Im a joke....

    I feel a Twit.
    How could of believed for a second this was going to turn out good.

    CB digital - NOT PREGNANT.

    I felt so pregnant yesterday. The FRER is slightly fainter than Saturdays.

    I dont think i can do this anymore.

    Going to the EPU to have bloods and get this confirmed.

    Where is the wine?

    Life is cruel.....

    I was so excited to tell DS he was going to be a big brother 😪😪😪😪😪

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Chemical pregnancy confirmed.

    HCG level is 28

    😔

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Still feel pretty low. I went to the doctors today, she has signed me off work until the 2nd. I feel a bit of a fraud as it was a chemical. But for a week, i was making plans in how to tell DS he was going to be a big brother, working out my due date, wondering about a little life that was potentially growing inside me... yet despite all this, i knew it was a chemical, in my heart i knew.
    I feel angry to pretty much everyone apart from my husband. Not one of them believed me when i said it was a chemical a week ago... some almost mocked my concerns. Said i was testing too early (i was) but they let me get carried away thinking they were right. They wasnt.... i was.

    A friend of mine, who is also my manager replied to my test telling her i was signed off telling me she was 'surprised' id got a sick note and was going to suggest me coming back on monday. Its narked me. She implied that sitting at home would do me no good.
    I beg to differ...
    They forget that a colleague of mine who practically sits next to me is pregnant... whilst im so emotional, i dont think its good for me being there. I want to process this on my own. Not just the chemical, but the whole cyclem it was so up and down and it really has taken its toll on me.
    I also pointed out to her that i dont know physically how this will pan out. I havent started bleeding yet. I remember with my last chemical, i 'think' it was heavy.. and it was black (partly) i dont want to be at work if/when that happens. I dont know how im going to be emotionally when i see im bleeding, it may upset me again....

    She didnt reply.
    This narked me, this is why i feel alone, because people
    Just.
    Dont.
    Get.
    It.
    she has put a time limit on when i should be over it almost. I dont work like that.
    After having DS, i never thought id have these feelings again, even if this happened, i thought DS has toughened me up a little when it came to miscarriage... i was wrong.

    I feel so sad. Mostly for DS, i was so excited to tell him. I was excited to be sharing my pregnancy with my colleague who im very fond of. Now, nothing.

    I have 3 frosties, id be stupid not to go for FET. But i cant go through this again.... feeling like this. This 2ww made me crazy, but i learnt from it.

    NEVER TEST EARLY

    Yes, i would have still known i was pregnant, to then find i wasnt any more, but i would have been stronger. The constant BFP, then BFN, then BFP messed my head.

    My very best friend who lives out of town moved her visit to my town (she has family here) early so she could surprise me and cheer me up. It was lovely but il be honest, when im like this, i need to be left alone. Ive asked the family to leave me be, its best. So i can feel what i need to feel, without pretending to be ok, so i can get it out of my system.

    Me and OH were supposed to be going out for a mea tomorrow night to celebrate. We decided to still go out, and use it as a bit of us time.

    My GP has also referred me to the recurrent miscarriage clinic. Ive now had 4 consecutive losses, despite a successful pregnancy with DS, i still lost his twin. So every pregnancy, has resulted in a loss.
    So im hoping to get looked at before i start FET next year. Im also hoping by doing this, that if im lucky to get pregnant again, perhaps now ive had 2 chemicals, they may monitor my HCG levels so we know where im at..


    I dunno...... its just crap.

    Sorry for the long read

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Thought i was starting to feel better yesterday, had a nice day. Went shopping with OH, set up our Christmas village then my mum babysat whilst we went out for a meal. Twas nice.
    Then today, i woke up 😞. Wish i could just sleep through the day.
    Im bleeding, its painful, heavy and i have clots (sorry)
    I feel utterly down in the dumps. Im currently having the longest bath to ease the cramps and clear my head.

    I didnt send my sicknote into work as i thought as i  an self cert until end of day Tuesday, i will see how i am then, but the way i feel today, i may have the week off. I just cant face work. I dont want to see my colleague at the moment either.

    A little niggle at the back of my head is telling me to leave all this now. Put the want for a sibling away, lock the door and throw the key. Im scared. Im scared of doing it again, the 2ww... the potential early days of pregnancy, the potential BFN... but im scared of living a life of what if too....


    Offline Bubbles12

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    Sick of feeling sad now....
    I hate this feeling, its tiring

    I sometimes wonder if this was a bad idea.... coming back into this fertility game again.... its so hard to get out of it...

    Part of me is itching to get on with FET.
    Its probably harder to get over this because i know the wait for FET is so long, other half of me wants to stop. How can i though, with 3 frosties in the freezer.

    Me and OH are in debate of how many to put back next time.

    WE.DO.NOT.WANT.TWINS

    However, we want to maximise our chances, if im having a loss on EVERY pregnancy i have, it makes sense to put 2 back, in case we have another loss.
    However, we are then obviously risking the chance of having twins.... no way could we afford or want twins...

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    I feel alot better, more like my old self again. Only, ive done my back in 😏 so i cant even put my own socks on at the moment.

    DS has had a good week, his behaviour has been fantastic so OH has taken him to soft play as a treat.

    Ive put on weight due to comfort eating so once im back at work on Monday, the diet starts then too.

    Ive had some visitors, one friend bought me some lovely flowers, so nice. I have another coming today to drop off my avon order, who is also the colleague at work that is pregnanr and 4 weeks ahead of what i was. Im not excited to see her to be honest, but i need to get it over and done with. I just hope, that everyone dont talk about her pregnancy in the office as im not sure im ready for that yet
     They all know about my failed cycle, but not that i actually got pregnant and it ended the way it did.

    So, i think ive decided NOT to transfer 2 on our FET. I think we would be stupid too. Ive been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic so i know they are going to suggest not getting pregnant until the tests have been completed. As crazy as it sounds, im still going to move forward with FET whilst we are being tested. I feel like i dont need this dragging out. So we will do one FET and then continue with the testing.
    Im hoping my consultant will offer more drug support on my mext cycle. Ive already got my baby aspirin but unsure when to start taking it.
    The nurse said available apps for follow ups are not until January now, so im just waiting for that. Im guessing as soon as ive had the app, we can start on the next cycle.

    Ive learnt alot from this latest cycle.

    1) Do not test early, yes, it worked out fine when i tested early with DS, but not this time. It did more harm than good.
    2) Do not tell ANYONE about this next one. The amount of added pressure i had with ppl asking and knowing was just too much, so nobody will know except me and DS. Im hoping to give my boss some BS and say its for the testing im having, although, not sure i can get away with that
    3) Positive thinking. I was so negative on this cycle, it made things twice as hard
    4) Keep busy on my next 2ww. Ive suggested we go away for a few days whilst on my 2we, i think it will help my frame of mind.
    5) More healthy eating, stick to my diet more whilst in the run up and in the 2ww.

    We will see how that goes! 😬