* Author Topic: The life of a full time working mumma to a miracle boy 💙  (Read 30855 times)

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Online Bubbles12

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Dear Diary

5dp5dt (FET)

This is a risky day today. My last 2 2ww, ive tested at this point. 1st time i got a BFP then 2nd time, i didnt but got one at 6dp.
The only thing that is stopping me is that as time goes on, i get more sure this hasnt worked.
I do have moments when im more positive, and im deffo more positive than the last cycle...
On the last cycle, i knew from the get go it wasnt going to work but this one has been up and down.
I think because ive upped my dose of Progesterone, im passing off any symptoms as down to that.
My left boob is ever so (ever so slightly) tender, im cramping (again, slightly). And im tired, although not as tired today.

Im back at work, and im really grumpy, i feel pretty low. But i think thats all down to my poorly mum 😔.
She sounded a little better on the phone, said she had a better nights sleep.
Im taking her to the doctors later. I cried so much yesterday worrying it will be Cancer.

Literally fighting myself every minute not to test!



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    Online Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    6DP5DT (FET)

    Ive probably been stupid and slightly immature but i tested last night and this morning, sadly a BFN.
    Now, i know its early and i know that there is a possibility that this could still become a BFP, however, i am now pretty confident this hasnt worked. I have not one ounce of positivity left.

    I feel so very down. Not just because of this, but with my mum too... i think its all too much. Its taken all the strength i have to hold back my tears.

    Whats more, hubby is doing his usual thing. I havent told him ive tested, but ive told him we are probably out. To cut it short, he suggested we stop, actually, he thought i was on the same page even though ive told him countless times i am not throwing embryo's away

    He has now played the tired card, that he doesnt know jf he can do it again, looking after a child at his age (56).
    2 days ago, he was stroking my tummy telling the embryo to stick 🤔. Talk about mixed signals. So now, i feel horrendously guilty for wanting to continue.

    How can i not though?

    Ive suggested that we do one last FET but this time transfer both remaining embryo's, for financial reasons ans because we both are tired of TTC.
    The problem with that, is twins. We really dont ant twins. So im at a loss of what to do.
    All i got back was a 'do what you want'. Thats no good to me. 😔.

    The other thing i have noticed is my DS, he is now becoming a bit of a daddy's boy, he as always more of a mummy's boy. 😔. I can only presume this is because of how ratty i have become on these nasty hormone drugs. I cant keep doing this for him either.

    I really do not know what to do 😔.

    For symptoms... the only reason why i am noting them is for in case i do another cycle, its so handy for me to look back and compare.

    Sore boobs, well probably more heavy than sore
    Cramps and twinges still...

    Thats it. No bloating, almost like an empty feeling but that i think is more physiological that's physical thing i think.
    Its hard being at work today...

    Really hard.

    Online Bubbles12

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    I hate progesterone.

    Messes with your head! I hate that they mimic pregnancy symptoms! Its poop!

    My tummy is cramping, only mildly but enough to notice and i feel almost like flutters in my uterus.. it just makes it so much harder knowing its the drugs, and not a pregnancy. 😔

    Online Bubbles12

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    Its also rubbish that where it says 'poop' i actually typed the swear word to that yet it wont allow it.

    Poop doesnt so my vent justice!!!

    Online Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    7DP5DT (FET)

    I tested again this morning, not even a whiff of a line.
    Im out.
    I will buy one more test over the wkend so hubby can see its negative and thats it.
    Im not really interested in people saying 'its too early'. I know my body, i trust my gut and i know this hasnt worked.

    And im ok with that.

    Yep, im disappointed but i appreciate that this ismt a patch on how i feel after a chemical or miscarriage.

    Im more annoyed that i have to do this alllll over again... however, this time, i know its my last go. So we be relieved that soon, all this will be over.

    Ive decided that i want to change protocols. On this transfer, i was on a medicated cycle, but started down regging on day 2. I always thought perhaps it wasnt right but i really dont know much about FET (and still dont so could he wrong).
    This next one, i was to do a medicated cycle again, however, i want to start on day 21 instead.
    I also want to ask them to check my progesterone levels before/after transfer, even if i have to pay for it.

    Im hoping the clinic will allow me to do a back to back cycle, so i can go straight into it. However, i feel that my clinic will want to have a 3 month break... eurgh!

    Online Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary


    As expected - BFN.

    I knew it would be. I tested friday to be sure. I then stopped meds and AF has arrived with cramps this morning. My boobs are still pretty sore.

    I can feel my side effects are already improving now that im drug free.

    Im really ok with this BFN, i do wonder why im so OK with it. Other than Tuesday, ive been perfectly fine.

    I will wait for the clinic to call and il tell them im bleeding and will start to down reg on day 21. They wont be pleased that i stopped drugs early but i knew i wasnt pregnant. Plus, its my body so i will pretty much do what i want with it.

    I do wonder with this flaming coronavirus whether to halt treatment, or if they will. Financially it isnt the best time either, but i just want to get it done and move on.
     The virus is scaring me because of the unknown. It feels like the modern day plague. I worry about childcare, money and of course, my mum. If she gets this now, it could kill her.
    Mums scan is tomorrow. She has been feeling alot better lately. Hasnt vomited for around 6 days which is really good and she said she feels somewhat better.
    I pray we dont have to wait too long for the results.

    So, we have just spent our first night in our new house. We havent stopped for 2 days and will be the same today. With all our stuff in, its starting to feel like home.
    The only problem is, our first night was a little windy and the house is loud when windy. That isnt a problem for me, but i have a near 5 year old that is petrified of the wind. Hence why im up, he needed his ear defenders and now i cant get back to sleep!

    Online Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Its been a couple of weeks. What a crabby few weeks eh!

    As for the BFN - ive been fine about it. Weirdly. Im disappointed obviously but looking at the positives of not getting pregnant. They are out weighing the negatives. I simply wouldnt of been able to move home kf i was pregnant. I also wouldnt of been able to self isolate for 12 weeks either, not with DS.
    With all that is going on with Covid-19, with all the uncertainty, it was best it didnt work.

    I have a prescription from the clinic so i have the drugs there ready when im ready to start. They have now ditched the nasal spray and gone onto injecting Buserelin.
    With the HFEA now telling clinics to shut, who knows when we can start.

    However, i have issues with my boy that needs my attention. His motor skills are shockingly poor. He cant hold a pencil how he is meant too, cant use scissors. Can't pedal on a bike and the teacher told me pretty much that he is behind.
    It bothers me. All of our attention has been on making babies and moving house. Subsequently DS has suffered and i feel very guilty.
    So, by the time all this with CV is done with, my aim is that he can write normally with a pencil. We are getting him a bike for his birthday in May.

    As me and OH are classed as key workers, DS is able to go to school. Im working from home. Id love DS to stay wih me but id get no work done. That said,  he was at home today, my work was quiet so it worked pretty well. However, i know this was a one off! So DS used togo to school 8-3:30 all week, but ive lowered it to 3 days a week 9-3.

    Im so tire, getting fat and all i think about it wine.

    Stay safe people, and your families. ❤

    Online Bubbles12

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    Dear Dairy

    Oooops, I have completely neglected my diary!

    So currently approaching the 6th week of lockdown due to Covid19. Its been tough at times but overall, ok. I have been drinking a lot more, eating a lot more as a result though! Ive been working from home now for 7 weeks and I will admit, I am missing going to work.

    I miss DS going to school, he misses it too. He seems to be coping ok. I just feel so guilty for him, even though this obviously isn't my fault.
    I have rearranged my shifts so that I work Friday - Monday (10hr shifts) so that I can have Tues, Wed & Thurs off with DS. This way, I only have to work and care for him on a Monday and every other Friday and I can concentrate on 'trying' to home school him on my days off. I am slowly running out of ideas mind!

    As for my next FET. Obviously my clinic have been shut but the HFEA have updated us telling us that Clinics can apply to reopen from May 11th as long as they can adhere to the new rules that have been put in place. I am not sure if my clinic will open or not but I will call them on Monday.

    I will admit. I am pretty glad I didn't get pregnant on my latest cycle. Being in the early stages of pregnancy, having to look after DS and self isolating for 3 months would have been so tough, so for me (And this is my personal opinion on myself and my current situation and mindset) it was a blessing in disguise that this one failed.

    That said, I want to get going as soon as possible. But before I do, I would like to know about Covid and pregnancy. Is it ok? Are pregnant people still expected to self isolate for 3 months now that the clinics are allowed to reopen?

    Online Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    So this week I have made homemade scones and a mahoosive Victoria Sponge.... The diet is going well! Not!

    I called the clinic on Monday and I was told that they are in a position to apply for a licence to be able to operate. They wanted to know all the ladies and what they were waiting for and once (IF) the licence was granted, they would be in touch. She said they need to put measures in place for social distancing and about allowing partners into the clinic etc.

    My guess is that they will only allow only the treatments that don't require sedation and that need minimum appointments, FET being one of them. Luckily for me (If I am right) I need FET so hopefully will be ok.

    I asked the nurse how long we were talking Weeks or Months and she just said, Not Months but weeks. She said they definitely wont be starting any treatment in May. I worked out that my period is due the start of June so add 3 weeks onto that takes me to the 26th June. Hopefully I will be able to go by then.

    Online Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    So me and DS made a life size (DS size) of the human body, i then took days to draw all the organs in the body. He bloody loved it. Hasnt stopped talking about the human body all afternoon.
    This home schooling in really tough, and im running out of idea's, but im glad i tried.
    DS is in reception, and Boris has announced that DS year group may go back on 1st June
    I fully support the government, i think Boris has done a tremendous job through all of this. However, my mummy gut is saying its too soon, for that reason, i think i will be keeping him off
    So, ive been onto the HFEA website and seen that my clinic have been given the licence to reopen.
    I have no idea whether its a good idea to do our last FET. And for that reason, im going to go ahead regardless. If i wait, who knows when all this will be over, could be right into next year, and with OH age, time isnt on our side. That aside, im sick of fertility, sock of treatments, i want it all gone.

    My family will disagree with me doing this now (although they wont say it, just think it) so, im just not going to tell them.
    We are also going for a double transfer, for a few reasons, money and time.

    And if this doesnt work. Im booking a bloody good holiday for next year!