* Author Topic: The life of a full time working mumma to a miracle boy 💙  (Read 37281 times)

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Offline Bubbles12

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Dear Diary

11dp5dt - OTD

4 Weeks and 2 Days pregnant

I wasnt going to test today, but felt i should before i call the clinic. Nice strong line again.. at first, i thought it looked fainter than yesterdays, but once the 3 mins was up, it deffo is. In fact, i would say that the 'Hook effect' was just starting as the test line looks a teeny tiny bit darker than the control line. Ever so slightly.

I called Tommy's, for my reassurance scan. As predicted they couldnt get me in until Monday 24th, but we are away then, the next available, without cutting our holiday short would be September 4th... thats just too far. I said id have a think
So then then the clinic called, i have to go in at 3 to collect my sharps and my prescription.
Im so lucky, she has allowed me to have a scan before we go away, on Friday 21st, even though i will only be 5+6. I told her im really anxious about having another chemical so she said they will scan me, but they probably wouldnt see a heartbeat at that point and i would need another scan the week later (fine by me).
The nurse hasnt been doing this long, so im guessing its a bit of a boo boo and any other nurse would have told me to wait so im expecting a call back to say i cant have the scan then.

Obviously if i see a heartbeat, thats great, but i just need to know this isnt a chemical..
Thats all.
When i was pregnant with DS, i had a scan at 5+5 and we seen all but a heartbeat, so im aware that not seeing a heartbeat at this point, means absolutely nothing.

Started feeling icky again yesterday after i posted but today, so far so good.

Wish i could sleep past half flaming 5 in the morning though!

Its hard not telling DS, he will/would be so excited but we need to know whats going on first.

His behaviour is still very up and down at the minute. Im looking forward to him going back to school, for routine and discipline



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    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    4 Weeks and 3 Days pregnant?

    Boobs have been slightly sore for the past 2 days.
    Yesterday i felt no sickness at all but was bloated on and off and today, i felt a bit icky this morning but other than that, apart from a few twinges, i feel fine.

    I did a boots test last night, the test line was darker than the control line, however, the test ive done today is fainter, so i rushed to boots to get another, and that was fainter too. The whole tests of them both were fainter, the control line too. The actual test lines are just as dark as the control line, in some lights, it looks darker but its now made me worry that its a chemical again.
    I just cant cope with another!  :'(

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    4 Weeks and 5 days pregnant

    I havent done anymore tests since the ones the other day which sent my mind into overdrive. Ive shown the tests to my sister and a friend (different occasions) and they both said the test was fine and it was the dye. The test line was as dark as the control line and i had nothing to worry about.

    Im doing it again arent i? Like i did with DS 6 years ago! I just cant help it, im so scared of another chemical.

    Anyway, i will find out a week tomorrow.

    Friends/family keep suggesting twins and are excited for the scan, its actually annoying me as this isnt the reason i need this scan, its not what im thinking about when i think of how this scan will go. At this current time, i dont think i care... i just need to know something is in there.

    So i have the scan on the friday, which i have to be alone, then we go to Devon for a week on the Sunday. Im looking forward to it.

    OH is going to wait in the car park when i have the scan, i thought this was best in case something went wrong as it could be pretty unsafe for me to drive home. Its 12 miles on the motorway so not too far.

    Symptoms, sore boobies and swollen. Keep feeling off in the mornings or when i am standing up doing things.
    Unlike last time with DS, i havent the time to sit and relax and fear that the constant getting up/sitting down isnt helping Ed and/or Fred, but needs musts. Only the odd twinge now, not alot. I expected more and to feel more bloated, but will try not to look into it too much

    Ive been a little lapse on getting his school uniform organised ready for year 1... im not going to lie, i cant bloody wait. His behaviour is shocking and he just needs to go back to routine and normality.

    I am back to work tomorrow for just one day (then back Tuesday) and i have a friend and her family staying over on saturday night

    Right, better get up


    Offline Bubbles12

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    I plucked up the courage to do anther test. I had a dye thief, the test line is so much darker than the control line.... dare i believe we are really in with a chance of having another baby.
    Im so lucky, way too lucky than i deserve. I know we are not out of the woods yet and we have a few more hurdles to jump over (its been one hurdle after another on this cycle), but we are one step closer to getting the sibling my little boy deserves.

    So, i think im suffering from Morning sickness. Never really had it with DS, i just had to be careful what i ate as anything sweet would make me feel icky for an hour.... not this time..
    I wake up hungry but struggling to stomach anything. I dont fancy anything for breakfast at all. Today, i managed a banana and a bit of apple. I couldnt finish it as i thought id quite easily be sick.
    Then i felt off until about half an hour before lunch. I had a tuna and onion sarnie and a kiwi which i enjoyed. Felt ok, then about half an hour ago, started feeling off again.
    Ive also lost weight. Not sure how much of a good thing it is to lose weight but im trying to eat healthy. I jsit dont fancy anything really at all.

    All hoping this is leading to good news next week...

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear diary

    4 Weeks and 6 Days pregnant

    Nearly hitting the 5 week mark, im not going to lie, its going soooooooo slow. Ive known I am pregnant for 6 days now and it feels like ive known ages.

    So I find out today that my friend/manager is 13 weeks pregnant. It has come as a bit of a shock and im not going to lie, the news bothered me. I worry so much now that I will miscarry and have to watch her pregnancy like I did my other colleague when I had my chemical last year. Its nice that she has told me before telling our other colleagues. She knows all about my fertility issues and she also knows I am pregnant but she has been nervous about telling me. It just adds extra pressure and if my pregnancy doesn't work out, I don't think I can do it all again, watching someone else. It was too hard with the chemical, this would be even worse as it the last ever chance of a sibling for DS.

    Im still feeling off. I feel like im hungover and hungry yet cant stomach a lot to eat. Today, I had an apple for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. I also had a bit of cramping and bloating this morning but feel ok this afternoon.

    Only 1 week to go until the scan

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    5 Weeks 1 Day pregnant

    I had my friend and her family staying last night. It was nice to spend some time with her. But i got little sleep last night so i wasnt sad when they left about an hour ago so i could chill out for a bit.

    Yesterday was a strange one. I decided to do another CB digi to see it had changed to 3+... i knew the chances was slim as it was a little too early and yet i was a little disappointed to see 2-3 weeks still, i wasnt discouraged, i was just hoping.

    Then i was concerned as my sickness was alot better and my boobs werent as sore. So it worried me. Even though i knew this time would come as symptoms do cone and go (they did with DS and i recorded it i  my previous diary).
    So i did another FRER and again the test line came up so quick and was loads darker than the control line.

    Within the hour, my sore boobs returned. Although the nausea hasnt. And my boobs have continued to be sore..
    Im not sure if im tired due to pregnancy or lack of sleep, yesterday, i had a lie in til 7AM (yep, thats a lie in these says) but had to go for a nap at half 12.
    I got to sleep at about half 1 this morning and was up at 7 and i am pooped.

    Went shopping with my friend, i couldnt really look at the baby stuff i was almost switched off from it. I need to know that at this point, this pregnancy is viable.

    Just a week of work to get through then our 1st scan

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    5 Weeks and 3 Days pregnant

    It is dragging. Time has actually stopped im sure of it!

    So I thought as today I was 5+3, and reading google that a lot of people seem to get there 3+ on a CB digi at this point, I would use my FMU and test to see what came up. I was totally aware that if it still came up at 2-3, then it doesn't mean anything bad and to try again in a day or 2. I have some in the cupboard from when OH got them for me on Saturday....

    Or so I thought!

    Peed in the pot, opened the tests and the plonker had got me the original ones and not the digital!!! So I didn't even bother, tipped it away away and started work. Now im not sure I should do one at all.

    I know last time, when I was pregnant with DS, I stopped testing after my 1st scan at 5+5. I only like to test to ensure it isn't a chemical and after the 1st scan and establishing there was actually something in there, there was no gain to testing. I guess the same goes this time - Should there be anything on the scan.

    I just cant wait to know what is going on in there (If anything). Obviously, it will go 1 of 2 ways. If there is nothing, I just don't think I could handle it, Knowing that this was the last attempt and we had got this far. I keep trying to think positive by making loose plans for the baby - 'When the baby comes, we need to change this' etc... Even I have been looking for ways to announce my pregnancy when im ready too (After 12 weeks) and how to tell DS.
    But on the flip, I feel a it of a fraud, knowing my history. That I almost shouldn't even acknowledge this until I know its for real. But where is the fun in that?! Regardless of the outcome, surely I should just enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can, either way, its my last one.

    I think I am being pretty grounded though. Even when we are talking about it, in the back of my head there is definitely the ? sign.


    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    5 Weeks and 4 Days pregnant

    Ive started to spot. Why cant nothing ever go smoothly for me. Now im cramping and worrying.

    This happened when I was pregnant with DS - I was 5+5 weeks when I started to spot with him. Im trying to hold onto that.

    I had an early scan yesterday as I was having some funky feelings, my BP was through the roof. They found 1 gestational sac and a yolk sac and I was measuring 3 days ahead at 5+6. So to come from that, to how I feel now... So deflated.

    Im really hoping the spotting is from the irritation of the scan.  ^pray^

    I still have my scan on Friday as the nurse told me to keep it. I have also contacted Tommy's today due to the spotting as I am under their care for recurrent miscarriage, They are going to call me back.

    I am so worried. I cant lose this baby.

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear diary

    5 Weeks and 5 days pregnant????

    Looks like my bad luck strikes again and its likely im miscarrying. I shouldnt have got carried away.

    Started spotting ever so slightly this morning, got dressed and noticed i was cramping... alot and it didnt feel right. I went to the loo.... bright red blood.

    My boobs instantly stopped hurting, im unsure whether they are still swollen.

    Ive been to the EPU where they wouldnt scan me as i had a scan the other day but examined me and my cervix was long and closed.
    However, that could change in a second.

    The doc said initially that with my history, its highly likely i will miscarry. Great.

    After the examination he said that the blood was darker which means it isn't fresh and there wasnt a lot of it in the cervix.

    Its a waiting game. Im lucky that i have a scan tomorrow at the clinic so hopefully will know more..
     I may come out none the wiser.

    Im constantly cramping and i know that this is unlikely to end well.

    Im heartbroken.

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    5 Weeks and 6 Days pregnant?

    I slept reasonably ok, better than i thought. I started feeling really unwell last night, at times i thought i qas going to vomit. Its probably nerves and stress and the fact I've had barely eaten, i just couldnt face it.
    Ive still woke up tired though.

    My boobs has been tender again, so that has ever so slightly reassured me, but i sense bad news.
    Bleeding (touch wood) is minimal, only spotting brown but ive only gone for a wee and barely stood up so until i start moving about, i cant be sure its stopping.

    I had to put a complaint in to my new top boss about another boss yesterday about is insensitivity, lack of support and basically trying to entice me to work today when i told them i didnt think i was up to it.
    I was informed of the absence procedure and it was suggested that i work and just grin and bare it.
    It was very upsetting. The process shouldnt ever have been bought into to it. I was told that if i didnt follow the process, i could be in trouble. Yep, in the midst of potentially losing my pregnancy, my 4th after fertility treatment and they think that was appropriate.

    My new boss was really understanding and agreed it came across insensitive and could have been handled better and if i didnt want to work tomorrow, then i didnt have to and to do what i wanted.
    I know she called the other boss and told him of my complaint, i wont expect an apology.

    So i said i will work as long as im not bleeding, the stress is to much. As one of my line manager (and friend) announced her pregnancy at work yesterday, i wont be going on any conference calls today in case its mentioned.
    I just think us working from home is been taken advantage of in my situation.
    Im nearly 36 (in less than 2 weeks) and i know me. I know that when im upset i just want to be on my own.
    I dont want to talk to anyone, i just like to be on my own.
    As soon as OH woke yesterday after his night shift, the first thing he did was take DS for a long walk as he knew id just want to be on my own.

    So, its 9 hours until my scan. With only 3 days since my last one, i have no idea what progression i should see, and with the current situation, i have no idea what i will see. I pray for a clear indication of which way this is going, but i have a feeling im still going to be in the dark.

    I forgot how worrying all this is.

    Please have your fingers crossed for me. Im so nervous that this will be all over today