* Author Topic: The life of a full time working mumma to a miracle boy 💙  (Read 30365 times)

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Offline Bubbles12

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Dear diary

Wallowing in self pity and chocolate. I think ive put on a stone in about 4 days

I have listed around 13 questions for the consultant on Wednesday but i just need answers now.

This feels worse than my BFN. I feel horrendous, although, today, i feel more myself. I have been very snappy with OH and DS 😒
Physically, i feel almost normal.

How could this have happened.

Ive been researching so much and although it keeps coming back to EC been too soon. PCOS crops up as reasons for immature eggs... but if this was the case, why is this happening only on the fifth cycle?  I worry im going to be fobbed off...

If they dont give me some/all my money back, we are screwed... game over for us.

If anyone has advice/info or words of wisdom... please inbox me xx


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    Offline Bubbles12

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    I think im starting to obsess over this. I think its time i went back to work. I really dont want too, but i cant stop thinking about how wrong this has gone and will the clinic allow me to do another cycle.
    I just cant see it. I cant see that they will.

    In prep for them to say no, i have requested the forms to put a refund request in from my credit card company. The man on the phone did say he has never heard of a case like this so it doesnt sit easy.
    Since the call, i have had a bad feeling so im now beginning to think that going down this route isnt the best way. I may have to rethink as i believe my gut.

    Offline Bubbles12

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    I went back to work today, it was ok. I had a wobbly lip a few times but managed to hold it together until my return to work (they did this at the end of my shift)
    My manager said i did well, she said i was very quiet though, which anyone knows me, im am certainly not quiet. But i struggled, i just didnt want to be there and i didnt want to talk to anyone.
    Im so shocked how bad this has affected me. Its completely taken over and its all i think about!

    OH is have big problems at work and i am so worried aboit how he is coping and what is going to happen as something will give very soon... i think it will be him. I worry for his state of mind.
    So all this going on, other than my beautiful DS, im not loving things particularly at the min.

    I have my review tomorrow afternoon. Ive not come to the realisation that not only will they not offer any kind of refund, we wont be told about it tomorrow anyway. This doesnt sit well as its the only thing that's been getting me by of late is the thought of having another shot at it.

    I wont hold my breath 😪

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear diary

    We had our review meeting yesterday and as expected, it was purely to talk over the clinical side of what went wrong with the cycle. I really like my consultant, be is a really nice man.

    As i also expected, PCOS was the blame for how wrong this went. My consultant said that it was never going to be easy with my PCOS and where they went one way with it on my last cycle, they went the opposite this time as they didnt want OHSS. He used 'in hindsight' alot.
    He insinuated that the nurses fully informed me of why egg collection was going to happen, or why so early any why we couldnt continue.
    They didnt and i told them this, through no fault to them mind... although having a bad feeling, i didnt question it. I did tell my consultant that had i been given the choice, i would have certainly opted for egg collection to be on the friday or coasted until my hormone levels went under 20,000.

    On day 4 of my cycle, my oestradiol level was 3400 and that was what they would have expected on day 8 and by day 7 it had tripled to 11,000 hence why they opted to do EC.
    I think he did sort of come to the conclusion that perhaps they could have waited.
    I also asked him why i only got 2 mature eggs, he simply couldnt answer, he paused, stumbled on his words and then simply said 'i think we both know that this cycle didnt go as expected, right from the start'.

    So, going forward, next cycle (yes there will be another one regardless if they fund it on not) im going to go back to how my previous cycle was done. Short protocol, 150IU menopur. I may expect a slow response at first like before. If it happens to go how it did with this latest cycle, we will look at coasting rather than early EC. I can start stims again on my period in January.
    As for the funding. They will have a senior management meeting about my case in a few weeks and i will know what they have decided after.
    Fingers crossed.

    I was able to record out app, not for any other reason other than for me to playback and listen to see if i missed anything of what he said. Sometimes my memory isnt great.

    Even so, this last cycle has knocked my confidence, not so much in the clinic (perhaps maybe ever so slightly) but in the whole process.

    X

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    So, its D-day today! Today is the day my clinic have their meeting and they discuss my case. I am certainly not holding my breath. I know they cocked up and i think i know that they know they cocked up but they will hide behind my PCOS and the generalisation surrounding PCOS.
    Either way, me and OH have decided to go again! The clinic are not aware of this, we are not telling them until we know their decision. But when i asked my consultant at my review when could i start again, he said when my period starts in January. Most clinics are 3 months but il go with what he said. Ive worked out my period is due around 12th Jan, providing the last cycle wont disrupt it too much.

    My guessing is, i wont find out today of their decision today or even tomorrow. He said they will call. We will see.

    DS is very much looking forward to christmas. He is 3.5 years old so is just understanding it for the first time. Very exciting. We have enjoyed a few family days out, 1 to see santa and we also went to Thomasland. It was amazing to see DS so excited. We all loved every minute x

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear diary

    The clinic wont refund me 😒. Im not surprised. I knew it was a long shot. It just maddens me that they made wrong decisions and for that i have to foot the bill.

    The consultant, gave his version of events and some part of his versions are not correct or true. He said i asked for 225iu... i did not... and im pretty sure if i scroll through my diary... it will say he gave me that dosage!

    Grrr... now to decide what to do next

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Urgh, i just weighed myself... i have put a horrendous amount of weight on in the space of a week. (We are talking about 10lbs)

    Back on the diet again this wkend!!! Im visiting my father for new year so will be impossible to stick to a diet then but i come back... i am on it.

    Christmas was lovely. Its the first year DS can fully understand it (he is 3.5 years old) and boy was he so excited. Its was so lovely to see. We decided this christmas that it was time for the dummies to go. So Santa requested ths dummies in exchange for presents, and by doing this, DS got a thank you letter from Santa telling him the names of the little boy and girl who got his dummies.
    DS, woke about 3 times for his dummy on Christmas eve, but after that (so far) he has taken it like a champ and has been so good.
    Is it sad that i felt sad i was taking them away? 😥

    So, back to the clinic. I decided i wasnt happy with what they had said. As said in a PP, they stated in the letter that i had requested the dose of 225iu... which i didnt. How would i of even known that was an dose that they use? My consultant suggested it and i was quite happy to go along.
    Also, in the letter, it said that although egg collection was done earlier than the norm, it was the best time, at the time because i had 5 leading follicles and my bloods were at 11,000. It said that all the risks of doing egg collection when they did was fully briefed to me. Well, it was bloody NOT! Not once did they mention that i was at risk of immature eggs, not once. So on that basis, i called the lady dealing with my complaint and i said i wasnt happy. She 'said' she could see my point and would take these back to my consultant but i wouldnt hear anything until the new year. So although me getting my money back or discount is not fully out of the question... its highly unlikely they will backtrack now.

    So, ive emailed my consultant and told him we are going again (it doesnt sit easy with me the mass of debt we are getting ourselves in by doing this).
    When i had my follow up, my consultant said i would be ready to go again on my cycle in Jan, this was a little earlier than i expected as most clinics have a 3 month wait between cycles... this would mean only 7.5 weeks between the 2 cycles.. but when i explained when my period was due in an email, he said he will be in touch in the new year. Well, my period is due on the 12th Jan so im guessing im going to miss this month. Im happy to wait as a) gives me an extra month of paying the CC off b) another month to lose the xmas weight.
    But.....
    I go away at the start of May and if i get pregnant, i want to ensure i have passed the 12 week mark for me to breath a little, if i have treatment in Feb, means i wont be 12 weeks.
    I dont want to pester my consultant but i kinda wanted to do it on my next one.
    But also, in the back of my head im thinking not to rush things, just let it all go as it goes....

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Why is it fair that i have to get in so much debt for something most people get for free!!!! Its so frustrating.

    Feeling bitter!

    My consultant emailed. He said that he doesnt think we should cycle yet until the financial side is finalised. As i have still said i am not happy with the outcome. The last dealing with this has just come back after having her Xmas break and he said they will be discussing it that day (im slightly confused as he emailed me this at 8pm on friday night!) All the same, i should hear something in the next week or 2 and as i ovulated in the last day or 2... i will miss this month to start. Im OK with that, gives me an extra month to lose the Xmas weight and pay some more of the CC!
    Ive now worked out that i should start in the first week of March (my cycles are every 42 days).

    Its close to the holiday we have booked and it means if i am lucky enough to get pregnant, i will be around 8 weeks when we go.... its ok to fly then right?

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Im so glad we can all get back into a routine. DS wasnt too well behaved over the half term and i think its because he was out of his routine.
    Its his first week back but we have yet to see an improvement, still, its only been 3 days.
    For the past 2 school drop offs, he has been sobbing when we leave, first for DS then today for me. We both cant leave him sobbing, so i (ds did the day before to) went back and gave him a cuddle and calmed him down before leaving.

    I have heard from the clinic today with regards to my appeal to my complaint. They said that they still stand by their decision to do egg collection but apologise if 'i felt' i hadnt been communicated enough too..
    I did notice they made no comment about the fact i had challenged what the consultant said about me asking to go go on a specific dosage... which i didnt.
    Anyway, as a goodwill gesture, that have offered me a free endometrial scratch and free embryoscope which is worth the best part of 600. I think that this is fair of them.
    1 little snag, i was hoping for cash to ease finances. I wasnt planning on having either of these in this cycle as we couldnt afford it. However, they could have said no to everything then i would have nothing. So at least we are in with the same chance, if not better of a more positive outcome. 
    I dont know whats wrong with me. The older i get the more impatient i am.
    I know its better all round for me to wait and start treatment when i have my period late Feb/early March (my cycles are 42 days, so it would be the next period after my imminent period) it gives me a chance to lose the Xmas weight (a while 9lbs of it still to go 😱). It also gives us another month of paying the CC .. but yet, i find myself putting pressure on the clinic to allow me to cycle in this period. I ovulated last week so period is due in or around a weeks time... and in the time, i will need a scratch and get the prescription for the drugs... doesnt give me alot of time, and yet... i still send an email asking... and im hoping he says to wait until the feb one... so why am i asking?!

    I also feel there is animosity between me and the consultant... not from me, but him. There has been emails flying about between us, me wanting information etc, but the last couple of responses ive had, i sense a tone... which is funny as its a fricking email for crying out loud. Im Pretty sure he will be glad to see the back of me.

    So, its up to him now. Could start next week, could be next month... the realisation of the debt we are just about to fall into is somewhat scary....

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Im really trying not to loose my s**t with this clinic. Im trying so hard to have positive feelings towards the clinic but yet they keep testing me.

    So, im still waiting for my consultant to reply. We were emailing yesterday, he asked me questions about my period etc. And said we may be able to do the scratch this cycle, so i presume, start treatment too... i gave him all the info he asked for, i also said i would expect to be on my period next wkend then nothing, nada... zilch! No reply, nothing.
    My (.) (.) Started getting sore this morning so i think i will be on sooner than i thought, i think maybe Thursday so this was the last opportunity for us to do it in this cycle.
    Dont get me wrong, im fine with starting on my next one, as i explained in PP... its just the lack of communication. Why couldnt he have just emailed back saying to wait. Now, by him not replying, we do have to wait but by him informing me of this, it could have saved me checking my emails 1 zillion times today.
    It get drives me mad!