* Author Topic: The life of a full time working mumma to a miracle boy 💙  (Read 30370 times)

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Offline Bubbles12

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Dear diary

Still no word from the clinic. Not that it matters i doubt. OH just called from work and his OT has been cut! So now, our outgoings will be going up and our incomings are going down. I dont even know if IVF is an option anymore, at least, for the time being. OH says we can... but how?! Things were tight before and we still have to pay a little for our holiday + spending money!
Eurgh, couldnt have come at a worse time.

DS is still crying when we leave him at school. Makes us feel awful especially as we dont know why he is doing it. He is fine after.
He came home with a bump on his head today but wont tell us how he got it.
Everything is wee wee and poo poo as well. Ive been waiting for this stage. Im a wee wee head or mummy poo poo! Little git.

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    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    DS had his assessment today from the schools referral. The assessor said that the vibe she got from the letter they sent was that they were suggesting that DS had ASD. Which super pisses me off because that is not what the school told me! Even today, when i took DS back to school, she was still implying they didnt think he was on the spectrum.
    That said, the assessor could have made assumptions.
    Anyway, she told me there and then that we had nothing to worry about. She said that some of the behaviours i described, it did raise slight alarm bells bit he passed his assessment with flying colours. She even said his social skills are above what she would expect from his age.
    We have to keep an eye on things mind.

    He made me super proud today though 😍

    As for next cycle. Me and DH said we are definately going to do another cycle. But we have decided to wait until after our holiday in May. So its likely to be the end of June. It gives us a chance pay the holiday off and im that time hopefully OH overtime comes back.

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Ok, i must be mad.

    Like actually mad.

    So, me and OH dtd when i was ovulating. He had a vasectomy 20 years ago so why the hell do i want to take a pregnancy test! This is crazy. No symptoms that could only be pregnancy related. Dont feel bloated or anything.
    Its purely because i know we dtd whilst ovulating. I just want to come on!
    Also,

    I must be crazy!

    Im the most impatient person in the world so waiting until after the holiday is almost impossible. Especially when i worked out my period will come 2 days before i return meaning i wont be able to start until the start of July!

    So, i have suggested to OH that we actually cycle in April. This way, its not going to cost us anything until we come back from the holiday. I can also use the holiday as a distraction whilst on the 2ww. The only concern is if i hyperstimulate like last time... going on a 4.5 hour flight will not help at all.
    My consultant still hasnt responded to my last email (which was me answering his questions). Its now been a week! So he has either forgot, or ignoring me.
    I am going to suggest that he manipulate when my period will be and bring me on at the start of April. That gives a clear 6 weeks for me to do my cycle.

    But, that said, im going to leave him be for a while (not too long though)
    I will admit.... my feelings towards the clinic have now changed and i do feel sad about it.

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Finally came on this morning, i was worried where is was.

    Im so sad, i actually did a pregnancy test... obviously it was negative. Im such an idiot.

    So, me and OH have changed our minds. Im getting so worked up worrying about our finances, that i think it really isnt going to be good for any of us if we wait until April. Plus, going on holiday, days after a transfer when im high risk of OHSS was never a good idea. So we are doing it on our next cycle, which will be about 3rd March ish.

    We have just found out though that MIL has a mass in her stomach. They have taken a biopsy, i dont know when we will find out. She has lost weight too so it doesnt look good. She had Bowel cancer about 4-5 years ago, she had a low dose of chemo but it hit her hard (she is in her 80's) and she vowed never again. I doubt, if there is a chance of survival that she will want to fight it, if chemo is the only option.
    This also, of course may affect our treatment, its something i need to discuss with OH.


    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    We all have the lurgy. Ive pretty much had it since Friday. Feels like a massive head cold but without the actual cold. I have a sore throat too. OH has it, so does DS. DS seems to cope really well with illness now. Good job really considering he is poorly.... alot.

    So another day of waiting, another day of email watching.i emailed my consultant on the 10th, i did want to see if i could have started on that cycle but it was tight. He said it was possible, asked me a few questions. I didnt get a reply. So that opportunity was missed, i was fine with that, just not fine with the lack of response. Anyway, when i come on on Sunday, i emailed him again, telling him id come on and i wanted to book in for a scratch.
    On Monday, i checked my spam and there was an email from my consultant, sent on Sunday night. I presumed he had replied to the one i sent him on Sunday. It said for me to inform him of my next period. I was totally confused. But on checking, he relied to my email on the 10th, about half an hour before id sent the email on Sunday! Talk about getting confused. So i replied to that one too! Havent heard anything since.
    I deffo feel he has changed towards me. I feel he is sick of me. I just want to get my cycle done, so im clear on what our future will be and move on which ever way.

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Consultant finally made contact last week. I now have the scratch booked in for the 26th. My period should start between the 1st and 3rd March.
    I will admit, im tooing and throwing whether this is the right thing to do... a classic case of head and heart. I keep wobbling about the cycle but i just cant bring myself to cancel it. Plus, i already have some of the drugs.
    DS needs a new bed so ive started saving for that. Im going to get him bunk beds. Means he can have friends/cousins round but also when the neighbours are playing up, i can go and sleep in his room.

    I feel bad. Im gonna have to curb frequent phonecalls fro  my friend as its having an impact on my son.
    My friend is pregnant. Since she found out, she called me on her way home from work about 2-3 times a week. It was getting to the point of everyday but she stopped calling daily. She is going through alot, an unplanned pregnancy, questioning whether she wanted it on numerous occasions, (which is fine with me regardless of my current situation), her sister has cancer, she now had GD and having problems with her inlaws. We both pride ourselves on being there for each other and being solid friends, which we are.
    But when she calls, DS is still up as its between half 5 and 6. He soon realises he doesnt have my attention so acts up, not being naughy as such, but being demanding on my attention... i get frustrated with trying to have this conversation and keep DS occupied or listen to his demands, therefore, i end up shouting a little when DS plays up... which in all fairness, isnt his fault and when he is tucked up in bed, i reflect and feel tremendously guilty. So i think im gonna have to tell my friend to call later (this means she cant say half of what she wants to talk about as her partner and son will be there) i feel torn but my DS needs me more. I also just want to be a good friend, especially as she is going through alot.
    Well, i think i may go to bed now. I have a week off work so sorting the house out, getting things back in somekind of order!

    X

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    Only about 3 weeks until treatment will start. Im not dreading it, im excited. I think this will be different. Im very aware about the cycle could go (like last time) so i will be keeping an eye and and asking lots of questions. I think the clinic will be the same, im sure that wont let it happen again.
    Im quite positive about this cycle and often feel excited that i may be pregnant in a couple of months time. But im also level headed in the fact that this may not work and i dont want to be cocky about it.

    A little over 2 weeks until my scratch.

    I have a cold again. Glad im getting it out the way now before treatment.

    DS is doing well. My father visited yesterday and DS wasnt well behaved. Over excited.
    My sister said he most deffo is a naughty one and knows exactly how to push my buttons.... that he does!

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    So, just to confuse the sh*t out of me, i think im ovulating, by my calculations, im not due to ovulate until the 16th. But these were calculations based on a late period, the 2nd period after my failed last cycle. So who knows!
    I dont know what to do!

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear diary

    Life is pretty dire at the moment

    I have found out that we are in horrendous debt, debt we cant get out of without help. Legal help.

    I cant even afford a new bed for my son.

    He will never have a sibling to grow up with..

    My heart is breaking for him

    Its all over. Dreams are over and my marriage is in tatters...

    How will we recover from this?

    Offline Bubbles12

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    Dear Diary

    I cant believe its all over. So quick. I havent had a chance to catch up with what has happened.

    Ive contacted the clinic and told them we are no longer in a position to do treatment. I needed to do that quickly in fear of thinking 'feck it, lets just do it'

    I already knew we were in a reasonable amount of debt, but wasnt aware of the rest.

    I now need to come to terms that there will deffo not be baby number 2 and it's really stinging, hurting.
    1 minute i feel ok with it, think of the benefits.. believe me, the Pros to not having another outways the cons on quantity...and i know i have done the right thing for my boy, but im hurting so much... i cry as i write this.

    I feel guilty for my son, as if he isnt enough... but he is, he really is... i just want more of the feeling. I loved it all with him, i want to love it all again. I hurt he will never have a younger sibling to grow up with, to share memories with... one day, we wont be here and he will be here on his own. I love him so so so much.

    Im sad about the things we have had to sell, not just his things as we no longer need them, but for the wrong reasons of getting us out of this mess.

    I feel inadequate as a mother because i only had 1. I feel a strong feeling of jealousy of all the women in this world that can get pregnant naturally, of all the woman who have just announced their pregnancies....
     
    I feel like the things i set out to do, ive failed on. The only thing i ever dreamed of doing from a little girl was to he head of my family... kids running around. Life doesnt pan out how you dream.

    I JUST FEEL SAD


    But then, i look at my boy, and remind myself that ive done the right thing. With the amount of debt we were in, regardless of how others seen the amount, it made me feel uncomfortable, given the fact we had no savings, we didnt own our own home, OH's age and that the next cycle was also going on credit.... this WAS our last chance to make things right. By not having another baby, we can be debt free in 5 years, still have a good credit rating and still be in with a chance of buying our own house which will start the path for our, and DS' future.

    And yet it still hurts to @#/?.

    As for my marriage, i have no clue. I cant afford to be without him nor do i want my son without him, that i know..
    But i need to sort my head out and accept no more babies before i even think about my marriage....

    My worst fear is living with regret.... so you can imagine how confused i feel on whether i (will) regret this or not

    😥