To the lads out there, my other half cracked 2 days before transfer...

[mzy]

My partner wanted to change his mind 2 days before our embryo transfer, am I wrong to go have gone through with it? He said he felt pressured the whole time, even though he attended the fertility clinic to do all the samples and obvs the final sample when they collected my eggs.  Also as you know we had a load of paper work (consents etc) to go through and we had a consultation for 2 hours with the fertility nurses discussing all the regular details of the whole process.  I am 39 and he is 29 so I understood he wasn't as ready as I was but he knew all along I wanted children and never once implied he didn't, quite the opposite in fact.  I was working abroad when we met and eventually moved to the UK to be with him so I have given up a lot and came on the basis that we were on the same page in regards to wanting a family.  We have had unprotected sex for the last 3 years and so in doing that I too assumed he knew what the ramifications of that could lead too! 

In the end after testing he had lower than average sperm morphology and motility and all of my results for my age were above average.  I wonder if he's dealing with this as well...??  I was so confused just before transfer, but in the end just a day before FET he said to go for it.  So I had his approval but I still know his heart isn't in it and now I'm afraid if we don't get a positive our relationship will be lost, as he hasn't been there for me at all since the transfer and doesn't even want to talk about it, I'm regrettingly starting to lose respect for him now as he's making it all about him and that I have what I want now. I didn't want it at all this way he used to talk always as if we would have children together.  If we do get a positive I dearly hope he is going to come around and be the best loving, fun filled father I know he can be...

[FertilityFriends]

[Dory10]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation 

As he agreed to go and with transfer and you did then your only option is to continue to talk and see what the result of this treatment it. It could just be he had a last minute wobble but that his heart is still firmly set in becoming a father. 

I hope everything works out for you bith

Dory
Xx

[emzyjk]

Oh mzy I am so sorry to hear this  I am sure that on top of everything and just before your transfer you really needed your partner's support. I am not suprised you feel that you have lost respect but also I'm sure your both committed to your relationshiop and so you will be there to support each other whatever the outcome. Your partner is much younger than you and his last minute wobble could well be down to his immaturity6... my DH had a similar wobble 2 days before we got married that he'd changed his mind, even though we'd been together for 15 years!! He later admitted he felt under pressure & we've since discovered he suffers from anxiety.

I am sure your partner will be supportive whatever the outcome. As long as you still love each other it won't matter what the outcome is as you will still have each other. Big hugs to you and good luck with your journey xx 

[WatermelonBelly]

Oh gosh... that's a very difficult situation... Have you considered some couple therapy?

[mzy]

Hi mzyjk and waltermelonBelly, thanks for the replies, my partner suffers from anxiety also, so he has this to think of, life changing baby decisions and his job may also be moving overseas.  Problem is he just pushes me out and doesn't want to talk about any of it.  I knew he didn't cope with stress well from the beginning but we have just always relied on how much we feel for each other and have gotten passed it. This feels like it has a different weight to it though. 

I suggested we go talk to someone together and get an unbiased opinion but he's not keen. He won't even let me tell his family here what we are doing.  I'm quite close to his father so am tempted to talk to him but I also don't want to go behind his back.  As this may spike his anxiety levels even more, he's always putting on a brave front about his stress issues (work mainly and now this).

Sorry men to hijack your forum!!

[WatermelonBelly]

Sounds really difficult. I wouldn't try to justify him very much - he is na adult, has agreed to the whole process and gone through with it. Also, people do struggle with anxiety but that really doesn't justify turning on their partner at such a difficult time when you're so vulnerable and need support

I'm also in a slightly similar situation on the family front. My husband doesn't want to tell his family so I've kept my mouth shut. However, I've chosen to share with my mum, sister and 2 friends and it's been great to offload to them when needed.

[lostandscared]

I think that one of the problems here is that your partner doesn't talk to anyone about what he is feeling / going through. If he's bottling all this up inside it is bound to cause huge stress. In all probability, when he has had something stressful to deal with, it's you that he has turned to. But when the stress is about you, he may feel that you are the last person he can talk to. So I'd encourage your partner to find someone he can talk to - a friend, sibling, parent or even a counsellor. But whoever it is, he needs to feel that he can talk about you without it getting back to you. Fingers crossed he'll work his way through this and be back to the amazing person you know.