* Author Topic: Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...  (Read 11578 times)

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Offline deblovescats

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Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
« Reply #10 on: 30/05/17, 00:31 »
Hi ladies - you're all so amazing! sassy - I know where you're coming from. Been there and it does upset me I have to say, I know I need to grow a thicker skin! I just feel why do people feel they need to comment at all - I believe in live and let live, and am not judgemental about anyone else's life, so I feel please let me get on with mine however I choose to live it, I'm not hurting anyone. I do think people are bringing their own issues into place sometimes, though I suppose some people don't know. If I am unsure about who is a parent or not, I usually refer to the 'little one' rather than saying your child/grandchild.
I am fortunate in that my family are all supportive as are my friends and work colleagues. I do feel out of it sometimes as all my friends/work colleagues all generally have older children, some already at uni. However, one colleague with two older children also has a surprise 5 year old, and another, has a 19 month old and I see her at toddler group, she's is an older mum but younger than me. I go out to groups as well and make myself chat to the others. There are younger mums, but I tend to chat to the older mums or the grannies taking grandkids to groups. I feel more comfortable now, as everyone there knows I am mum and haven't made an issue of it. I have made a friend there who is obviously younger than me, but is mid 40s, so it is better. As I breast feed my baby, it's pretty clear.
However, to reassure you all that it's happened to me, here are a few bloomers (by outsiders!) I went for a meal at a fish restaurant with my elderly mother and the manageress (a miserable so and so by the way to everyone) came over and said 'Who's baby is she?' I looked at her and said' Mine'. She shut up. I felt like saying I found her outside and thought I'd take her.... I went to Pot Doodles to get hand/foot prints done with James and Lydia, and got chatting to the owner, who had also had IVF at the same clinic as me coincidentally and she had been saying she would have liked another but was unlikely to be able to, she'd used OE. She admired the baby. I then went to collect them, Lydia's wasn't back so she said she'd contact me when ready. I later got an email stating 'Your mother came to collect the imprint but wasn't ready .... ' So I'm now my own mother - don't know quite what to make of this.
I've also had the hairdresser obsessing about my age (needless to say, she hasn't been given this information) and commenting that the trouble with having children later in life is you don't have a ready made childcare provider (as in grandparents). She said this to my sister who responded that as the hairdresser's son is in Australia with girlfriend, he is  unlikely to have a babysitter if he becomes a father! Mind you, she's plain nosy. She asked if both children have the same father (they do, via double donation but again, she isn't going to find out!)
After my first baby was born, I took my mother to the hospital for a gynaecological scan so obviously the nurse knew her age. I gave her a lift so waited for her, with James in his pushchair. The nurse came over and said to me 'We're getting lots of older mums now at the hospital and asked if I'd had problems with my pregnancy.' I was flabbergasted as I was merely waiting for mother, I was not the patient. I wished I'd had a suitable response!
I feel strongly we ought to have a support group online via FF perhaps as I think we all need a bit of peer support.
By the way, I'm also doing it without a partner, so I suppose I'm the worst kind of person according to certain aspects of the media, such as the Daily Mail.
I don't regret it, I love my children and would do anything for them, and they adore me. I'm going to grow that thick skin by the way girls!
Go for it

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    Offline deblovescats

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #11 on: 30/05/17, 00:48 »
    By the way, I was 47 when I had my son, and 49 when I had my daughter. I turned 50 in March and kept it low key - I know I should have gone and celebrated big time - but I think I played it down as I had a baby daughter. I also had her christened in February so didn't want to broadcast my party!

    Offline Clara Rose

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #12 on: 30/05/17, 15:08 »
    I have another example for you...from this morning!

    I am selling my house so have been in contact with my solicitor. She asked me to bring in some identification so I went in with the wee ones.

    She looked at my passport and other documents and photocopied them. She then asked why I was moving house. I replied that I needed a house with more bedrooms, as the babies had taken my room and I was sleeping in the front room. She looked puzzled and asked if I babysat them often. Her face was a picture when I said that they were mine!

    I didn't take offence as having seen my passport she must have known how old I was...well that's what I tell myself anyway! :)

    I agree with Deblovescats, maybe we should have a support group of some kind.

    Offline nevertoolate

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #13 on: 30/05/17, 19:10 »
    Hi I joined a group a few months ago and the age range is mid to late thirties. I made friends with everyone but when the age question came up they were shocked but we have become very close. I am sure they must think I am mad but they also know just how hard my journey has been and they said they admire and respect me for my journey. I was getting petrol the other day and the attendant asked son / grandson in one breath. I said I was mum and he said sorry think he enjoyed himself. I think some people just enjoy being rude to be honest. People will comment with pops into their head without caring about other people's feelings. That's the world we live in, I look on it now that if I act like it's a problem my child will pick up on that. I have gone from feeling sad at having a child in my forties to feeling proud to being a mum to a beautiful amazing little boy and I don't care about other people's opinion. In different cultures older mums are the norm in big families also 50
    Is not as 'old' as it used to be women generally look
    A lot younger.

    Offline Lily0750

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #14 on: 30/05/17, 22:02 »
    Hi ladies,

    My OTD was today but I decided to postpone the test till tomorrow as I am afraid to see BFN again.

    You are lucky to achieve your dreams so please do not worry about stupid comments of people who became grandparents at 38.
    I do not know any professionals who became grandparents at 38. Maybe it is more common for London but quite a few of my colleagues and ex-colleagues became parents in late thirties/ early forties.

    If you have time, money and will-power modern cosmetology offers various procedures to make people look younger.
    For many older mums it was not their choice. Some ladies were able to have child only after certain progress in medicine.

    If I ever have a child my last worry will be what other people say about me.

    Many ladies still have periods in late forties/ early fifties so theoretically can get pregnant naturally and have a child.

    Offline nevertoolate

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #15 on: 30/05/17, 22:40 »
    Hi lily
    Sending you love and best wishes to achieve your bfp.
    There is one point that I feel is mixed message. From my experience the clinics basically say past 44 it is more or less impossible to have a natural pregnancy and promote donor eggs. For me this clashes with the recommendation for women going through menopause to continue birth control until they have gone a year without a period. According to the fertility clinics it is impossible. However my friend who is 47 was told by her doctor to remain on birth control if she did not want to get pregnant.  Who's right?
    I had my little boy via donor eggs, however I still have periods, does that mean there is a chance I could try to get pregnant naturally...confusing.

    Offline deblovescats

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #16 on: 30/05/17, 23:02 »
    Thanks Clara. Dreaming - so glad you're so in love with your baby. Lily - hope you get that longed for BFP. I'm moving house this week so a new start, so have decided to stop brooding on ignorant peoples' comments and to just focus on my gorgeous children. I had them late not through leaving  it too late or focusing on my career at the expense of motherhood, it was just the perfect guy didn't come along in time! So I decided I didn't want to miss out. I think we can be wonderful mothers whatever our age. I do everything for my babies and am proud how I manage on my own. I take them to loads of groups - toddler group and music group for both, baby play, baby sing and sign and swimming for Lydia so she gets time without James when he's at nursery.
    I'm now thinner and fitter than before I was pregnant, so it's been good for me. I had a over 40s NHS health review a few weeks ago and was given a clean bill of health - they want a score of less than 10% for your risk of cardio problems in next 10 years. I scored 1.39% so they were very happy. My BMIs has gone down from 34 to 28, so I'm on the right track - it's running around after two little ones, not always getting to eat and breast feeding!  I don't have a social life at the moment as Lydia doesn't want to be left at all, spend all my time interacting with my children so I do a good job I think.
    I feel that nature wouldn't let us get pregnant if we weren't mean to, although I know obviously we've used fertility treatment.
    And think ladies, because we've left it later than other mums, we've more than paid our fair share of taxes!

    Offline Lily0750

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #17 on: 30/05/17, 23:06 »
    Hi dreamingofBFP,

    I believe women can get pregnant but a lot of them miscarry. To avoid miscarries doctors recommend to stay on birth control pills.
    Statistically 90% of eggs over 40s are poor quality. Clinics promote donor eggs to help patients to get success quicker.
    If someone have sufficient money they can continue to chase the golden own egg after 44.
    I think I have read Janet Jackson claimed to use OE and have a child at 50.

    Offline deblovescats

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #18 on: 30/05/17, 23:23 »
    I agree Lily. I believe that using donor eggs reduces the risk of miscarriage as many miscarriages may be down to chromosomal abnormalities in the embryos, which are more likely to occur in older women. It can happen in a few cases, but I am very sceptical of any celebrity claiming to have used OE and getting pregnant in their late 40s and at age 50. There's no proof but I think it very unlikely, but obviously don't want to be open in the media. I feel it does women a disservice as it gives them the false hope that it can happen more than it does. It's important to be realistic if you want to have a baby in your 40s.
    I would not swap my DE babies whatever - they are who they are meant to be and I love them. They are mine.
    By the way, on a negative note, nursery informed me today that they think James might be getting chicken pox as there's been an outbreak and he has a few spots! That will probably mean baby Lydia will get it as well! Oh the joys of motherhood!

    Offline nevertoolate

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    « Reply #19 on: 31/05/17, 00:00 »
    Hi
    I agree lots of celebs have used used donor but do not say. Their choice, however it is possible and she might have frozen her eggs earlier so we don't know for sure. I just think we need to be supportive as at the same time people do get pregnant and have natural pregnancies at this age even though it is harder. It would not be fair to assume all those pregnancies are due to donor eggs.

    I had wondered why the progesterone is supplied for ivf pregnancies but would not be given to a natural pregnancy.
     Congratulations on your house move hope it all goes well for you x