* Author Topic: Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...  (Read 11613 times)

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Offline nevertoolate

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Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
« Reply #90 on: 20/08/18, 15:52 »
Hi All,
Just a thought on this issue and i continue to get comments but am growing a thicker skin as i think to myself would i rather have no child and no comments or my beautiful son and occasional comments which can be nasty... no contest... i'll take the latter every time...as i feel so lucky to be a mum at last.
It does strike me as odd at a time when women are starting their families later and later. most of my friends have started their families in their late 30's out of choice which appears to be the norm now and that is official classified as an 'older mum'.
A friend of mine supports teen mums in her job and mentioned that a lot of young mums feel very harshly judged so maybe its just the world in general being judgemental.
i think we would like the world to be different but its not so it has made me think that i want to try to have my child feeling very positive about me as his parent being older. i want to explain the reasons for me having him later in life and i want him to have a positive view of us as a family. i feel as long as he knows he is loved and extremely wanted then he will have the confidence to deal with any potential comments that come our way. i wish i had a time machine to make me ten years younger but i don't so society is just going to have to deal with it. i don't intend to tolerate peoples ignorance but i appreciate things are usually said at a very difficult moment e.g. waiting in a queue etc so it can be a challenge to deal with it...

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    Offline Jeanette2

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #91 on: 20/08/18, 21:14 »
    Hi Dreaming
    I think the approach you're adopting is really good and might try and take a leaf out of your book. I think older women in our society get a rougher deal in general, we definitely live in a culture where ageism is rife, and motherhood in general evokes often strong and judgemental views in others so put them together and it's a highly charged area.  Must admit after I got the grandmother remark have gone into a more defensive mode as it cut very deep and my impulse has been to minimise the risk of it happening again. I suppose feelings of being slightly embarrassed, dare I say it ashamed of my age,  have got the better of me. However would love to reframe it in a more positive way as you're suggesting so my children can understand the context of why I had them later and not in turn be embarrassed of their older mum but proud.  Anyway lots of food for thought there, thank you.

    Offline nevertoolate

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #92 on: 20/08/18, 22:15 »
    Hi
    I don't in any way wish to underestimate your feelings in dealing with these type of comments, i know exactly how you feel as comments have really upset me. i also had to deal with a massive amount in comments in all sorts of situations over the years about the reason i did not have children pre baby. i was told i was selfish, too career minded, etc... i was asked many times over the years why i did not have children.. i honestly think that is so rude as there are all sorts of reasons and people (sorry for me its always been other women!) asking why and making speculative comments as to why. I used to find this cruel and very very upsetting and now i have this long awaited baby i have to still get an emotional kicking... well do you know what sod the lot of them.. (my polite version! )... they don't know what I've gone through to have my child or my life history.
    i have now have a few well chosen come backs to say back and i personally feel more enpowered for having that...


    Offline nevertoolate

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #93 on: 20/08/18, 22:18 »
    sorry forgot to say the pre baby comments were from female co -workers over the years.i did not get general observations as i do now... just to clarify ..

    Offline Jeanette2

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #94 on: 20/08/18, 23:08 »
    Hi again Dreaming, can see how incensed you must have felt and have never properly understood the argument that it's selfish NOT to have children although assume people mean that it's wrong to only focus on yourself though don't think selfish is the right word as by not having children nobody's being hurt. You must feel like damned if you do and damned if you don't. Men don't seem to be nearly as bothered/ interested in issues around motherhood, age etc. which is something at least and a shame it's women who are often the most intrusive around other women's affairs. Strange as well, as we're often regarded as being the emotionally intelligent of the species although in this area perhaps not all of us are!  Glad you've got a few retorts up your sleeve and hope they have the desired effect!

    Offline Syd72

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #95 on: 21/08/18, 04:33 »
    Hi ladies, I've often looked at this thread but not joined previously as I haven't had my baby yet.  Due in November when I'll be almost 47 and the though of receiving these types of comments does worry me, as does the though of my child being embarrassed at having older parents.  I'm living in Asia at the moment and interestingly there are a lot of older men out here with younger wives and small babies, no-one bats an eyelid.  There are a fair few older mums too although I'm on a large expectant mums social media group at the moment and I'm by far the oldest on there.  There are occasional comments that just irritate me on that group, from one of the younger girls in particular, not just regarding age but also that blatantly take fertility for granted with no thought for anyone who may have had problems getting pregnant - I know of 3 other women on the group that have had miscarriages.  I actually find it hard to identify with mums that haven't had any struggle to get pregnant - not that I would wish it on anyone - I just feel more connected to people that have been through similar I guess.

    I've found when I'm telling people I'm pregnant I try to preempt any comments by commenting myself on my own age, something I really need to stop doing as a. it's no-one else's business and b. I need to stop drawing attention to it myself.

    Offline Jeanette2

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #96 on: 21/08/18, 06:45 »
    Dear Syd
    Just to say congratulations on your pregnancy and hope it's going smoothly. For the many women who get pregnant easily and without any issues, it's probably impossible for them to imagine what others might go through who aren't so fortunate and like you, I identify more with those that have had difficulties. It's interesting though, I know several mums at playgroups incl a 23 yr old and even the ones who conceived relatively simply seemed to have had some issue or other during pregnancy so we're able to find some common ground when talking. Please don't worry too much, you won't necessarily get any comments, I've only had one to date, and to be honest getting comments wasn't something even on my radar until last week. I'm just sensitised now.Also I guess in some ways it's good there aren't too many others on this thread as it might be there are plenty of other over 40s not getting any remarks at all!

    Offline deblovescats

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #97 on: 21/08/18, 22:53 »
    Dreaming - good on you for your comments. I'm going to take a leaf out of your book - brilliant response.  I hope that my children know how much I love them and that it doesn't matter what your age is, what's important is that you are cherished and cared for. I hope to instil in them the confidence not to mind what people say.
    Syd - congrats on your pregnancy and welcome! Try not to worry about comments. Although I've had a few comments which have upset me, mostly I've only had positivity from people I know. I was 47 when I had my first baby. At playgroups, I know some older mums and even the younger ones don't bat an eyelid. It tends to be strangers (older women) who bother. I am taking it that maybe they're jealous - either that they are the age they are and didn't have the opportunity to have a family or that they have had one, and that they regret the baby years are behind them!
    Jeanette-  just try and enjoy your family. We are deserve it and no one, absolutely no one has the right to make us feel the way we have felt!

    Offline Syd72

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    Being an older mum & being mistaken for granny...
    « Reply #98 on: 19/10/18, 09:41 »
    Ladies, thank you for your responses.  Sorry for the long delay, I must have missed the notifications.

    Hope everyone is doing well.