Hope dies last?

[Efi78]

03/07/17

Ever felt like dying inside?Like bleeding and nothing can cure it or take it away?
Loss, loss, loss...
My life has been full of constant losses. Lonely from an early age with indifferent parents.
Nothing has been handed to me. Whatever wasn't handed to me I have worked so hard to obtain. On my own. Everything on my own. I am the loneliest person in the world.
I haven't harmed anyone. I don't deserve what is happening to me. I do not deserve this! I deserve to be a mother. A child deserves to have a mother like me. Such a lucky child. Love, happiness, financial stability, good parents that love each other. But no. Not even the most natural thing in the world has been handed over to me. Not even that. I have to fight hard to get it and still nothing.

I don't believe in God. He has taken away my darling. Why did you hurt me so much? At least if I just couldn't get pregnant...I keep losing my babies. My little girl. Why did you make me do this? Why? What have a I done? After all the pain I have been through? After all my efforts to rebuild my life? I grew up on my own and I still have so much love and care to give. I have grown up without a family and hoped to build mine. But no. You want me to be alone forever. That's it then. I will be the most self centered person in the world. I promose I will never help anyone again. Only Me Me Me. Are you happy now?

18th of July I have follow up appointment. For what? 6 years of trying. 3 pregnancies. One Down Syndrome loss. You made me lose my babies until I don't have time for more. Until he strain in my relationship is so much that my husband will walk away. Until I am completely alone. What is that? Why do people walk away when they see you in pain? Why can't anyone hold me tight? And hug me. Am I not worthy of love? I care and love everyone. I want everyone to be happy. I have zero jealousy in my heart. When a friend needs me I will run next to them. Why doesn't anyone care about me? Why?

18th July: we suggest another cycle. Your eggs are old now. The sperm is not good. Whatever...i have lost the will to try any longer. Gid has decided that I should be alone and unhappy....

[FertilityFriends]

[Efi78]

The other day I was walking at Bromley town center. I saw a girl around 5 with Downs Syndrome. I burst into tears. I have seen many kids with downs since my TFMR in 2014 but for some reason this one hit me very hard.
Why me? Why?
Elizabeth would be about 2.5 now. 

This loss has hit me so hard in my life. The thing I cannot understand is why our families disappeared  after this happened? Our phone went dead? We had to ask themfor support only for them to find an excuse and disappear? It was the first time in our lives that me and my love were hit so hard. Losing our much wanted girl and then abandoned by family? Can anyone explain this to me? Weren't they supposed to come for support? I can't forgive them. I just can't

[Efi78]

Now that I ranted time for me to give some background.
In 2003 I met the most wonderful man in the universe.
The love of my life. We were living together for 7 years before getting married in 2010. We started trying to conceive in May 2012. Months went by and nothing happened. I did some tests and everything came back fine. In August 2013 my hubby had a sperm analysis. Oligospermia, low motility, 0% morphology. We had a second tests at CRGH that confirmed the results. I was told I have a submucosal fibroid and needed to remove.

We didn't like CRGH and were referred to a fertility specialist. I had the surgery and husband had clomid which worked wonders for him. Started tryin Jan14 and February I was pregnant!first trimester went by and we had the nuchal testing which was perfect. We then decided to have the Ariosa test. Came back with 99% for Downs...
We had amnio on the same day at Kings hospital....the results came...the rest is history. Had to gove birth to my baby girl who was born sleeping on 25/5/14...the pain unbearable
In the meantime husbands numbers were low again. We decided to have ICSI with PGS but before that doctor told me I had to remove another fibroid and freeze the embryos and do FET later. We decided to unfreeze 6 out of the 10 embryos and test them. One was normal. On the day of the transfer the doctor didn't manage to do the transfer properly and ended up with BFN because of that.
In September 2015 hubby started clomid. We conceived again in feb16. On 8 weeks scan there was no heartbeat.
Moving on, we saw Dr J Ramsay in July15. He identified a pituitary tumor and hubby got treatment which decreased prolactin and increased testosterone. But total count and morphology didn't improve. Forgot to say that hubby had surgery for undescended testicle when 12.
We moved to Lister for ICSI. January17 started cycle, 3 good quality blasts BFP, silent miscarriage  at 9 weeks.
In the meantime i turned 39...
June17 IMSI cycle went really badly. 9 eggs, 5 injected, 5 fertilized, one bad quality blasto

Here I am now, sitting at home at my desk reflecting what to do next. I feel cursed...

[Efi78]

04/07/17

Feeling better today. Need to start keeping myself busy with other things.
On a positive note I have been offered a new job today. Project managing brexit for my company...interesting...
I am buying a new laptop on Saturday. I need to start working on a business idea I have. Time to run my own business.
And thank you FF for keeping me company. You are a huge source of strength. How odd. People that you don't know stand by you but you can't share your infertility secrets with your family and friends.

[Efi78]

06/07

Back to my usual self today. Happy and positive. We will make it.

Going on holiday and starting new job soon! Can't wait to spend two weeks on the Greek islands!

[Efi78]

07/07

Woke up to have some water and can't sleep yet. Was thinking the first baby we lost because of TFMR. I have managed to move on but still there are some days that i still burst into tears. Miss her. Sometimes I wonder whether the pain I feel is because I can't have a child or whether because I lost her. God...how unfair you are sometimes. Well...if you exist. Which I now firmly doubt....i stopped believing in you ages ago.

Tomorrow is another day. Beautiful and sunny in London

[Efi78]

12/7

Preparing to fly to Amsterdam for the weekend! Youhooo

Also starting new job. Feeling excited

Trying to cope and get used to the fact that we will probably never have a baby...

[Efi78]

I had amazing time in Amsterdam. What an amazing city. Cycled 25km each day amd still feel full of energy!

Goong at the Lister to see my doctor tomorrow. I don't expect much. Feels like it's too late for me. Nevermind

Will keep you posted my dear diary

[Efi78]

Met with doctor today for the review. Basically embryos stopped growing after day 3 most likely due to sperm issues. He suggested tranfrr of the two frozen blastocysts and another cycle if this fails. Sigh...will it ever end? Thinking this is hopeless

[Efi78]

I have finally started spotting today. Period is coming at last! The last cycle messed me up so badly...Period 6 days late. I had even started thinking "what if". As If...

Anyway...out and about tonight. Going to London for drinks and dinner to enjoy myself.

Holidays in two weeks, then back and FET. And what ever happens happens...i have completely lost hope. I feel cursed...