* Author Topic: Hope dies last?  (Read 5069 times)

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Offline Efi78

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Hope dies last?
« Reply #10 on: 7/08/17, 19:36 »
I'm so sad. I have been through a lot in my life but this feels like the worst punishment. Not having a child. You see everything else I can change. I have the options. This one no. And of course as nothing has ever been handed over to me easily why would this one?

I have been so down lately. I am not sure I can endure the disappointment of yet another IVF/FET. I really thought that this time it would go well. I have honestly done nothing wrong. Why am I so unlucky in my life?

Nevermind. I will concentrate on all the things I have and not those I don't have. But in the meantime I am grieving.

It's unfair and stupid. I would be a great mom. But I don't think I can take this anymore. So much strain.
Anyway..goodnight my dear diary...maybe one day i will close this diary while holding a baby in my arms

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    Offline Efi78

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    Hope dies last?
    « Reply #11 on: 2/11/17, 22:04 »
    I thought it was about time to update my diary.

    Feelings: sadness, disappointment, despair, unfairness. So unfair this to happen to me. So unfair. I was never a lucky person, but I was a very string one that took the right decisions and turned around my life. But that was only when there was something I could control. Whenever an element of luck is involved things don't go well for me...
    Loneliness, sadness, a huge "why", some jealousy over other women. Women who have gynecological, mental and health issues and still conceived with no help. Women with high BMI, diabetes, bad nutrition, mental illesses that still managed to become mothers without even using IVF. Don't doctors say "eat well", keep fit etc?

    And me? Healthy, good nutrition, good weight and still nothing. I am such an unlucky person and I feel deeply hurt. So hurt. Unfortunately I am not a lucky person at all. Anything good in my life is the result of very hard work.

    Anyway. Feels that it is too late for me. Turning 40 soon. Three losses. Three losses... :'(

    Offline Efi78

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    Hope dies last?
    « Reply #12 on: 19/06/18, 06:01 »
    It has been a while since I last updated my diary.

    Feeling a bit down today. I have parked the fertility issues for a while but somehow today I feel down about it. Husband the same. Wonder whether we have a telepathy or something. I love him so much. He is so perfect and being withhim is such a joy. I am so lucky to have this man in my life.

    After the last failed I feel completely deflated. I have one frozen  blasto but  can't get my head around transfer this one. I can't stand even more disappointment. I am not sure I long for a baby anymore. I don't feel jealousy over other women having children.

    Offline Efi78

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    Hope dies last?
    « Reply #13 on: 19/06/18, 06:08 »
    On top of that I have my friend, whose baby I christened sending me pictures of babies all the time. Don't take me wrong, i love her, but I do wonder about her IQ. She doesn't know my IVF struggles but knows I have had three miscarriages.
    The other day she sent me a picture of the newborn of a friend. Then three months ago picture of another cousin of hers newborn. It doesn't bother me and don't feel jealousy but it makes me wonder: could she be a bit stupid? Becuse she definitely isn't a bad person. She has had a rough ride with having her child, she should know how to behave and what to say/not to say.

    Offline Efi78

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    « Reply #14 on: 25/06/18, 11:01 »
    And here I am. 4th ICSI with TESE sperm failed. It has been devastating for us this time.

    Where do I go from here? Everyone around me is trying for a baby and I just want to get away from it all. We have two vials of sperm left and one 3BB blasto. I know I should use those but I can't bring myself to anymore disappointment and heartache. Trying naturally feels good but nothing else.

    My friend keep reminding me all the time by sending me babies pictures. I think they will have another pregnancy announcement soon. My other friend unfortunately had another molar. So sad...:(. Another friend diagnosed with low AMH and MFI and gearing for IVF. Everyone around me trying and I just don't want to hear anymore about babies

    AFM-i am studying towards my german language degree. I guess i might need this after brexit. I dream of living in Berlin one and set up my own company. Life goes on and there is so much more to enjoy.
    I just feel so sad right now. Disappointed, i want to be on my own and not discuss children at all.

    Offline Efi78

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    « Reply #15 on: 15/07/18, 12:44 »
    I have to stop writing only when I am sad and feeling down,but this is when one wants to talk more

    Third month of trying naturally, just in case we conceive again naturally. Today has some spotting, i guess AF on the way.

    Yesterday I visited my friend (who
    Is a little bit pregnancy/baby obsessed) whose baby i have christened. It was such a joy seeing him. And then her friend with her three month old came. Fortunately we were leaving at the time do I didn't have to endure all this baby talk. Two moms talking all the time about their babies and me there. When I left I was absolutely fine but then it hit me today. I guess it's because period is also on the way. I don't know. When do I stop and accept defeat? I don't even know when to stop. If I haven't succeeded all these years will I succeed at 40? With severe male factor? I am only hurting myself. But how do I stop? How?

    At least we move country in about 6 months so I can have a new start. Get away from all friends having babies.

    Anyway. Need to go the supermarket. Not sure why yesterday's visit affected me so much. I am usually stronger than that....

    How do I stop? How? I need to break free from this vicious circle

    Offline Efi78

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    « Reply #16 on: 15/07/18, 13:56 »
    Why can't I be one of those people that suddenly fall pregnant and have their miracle baby?

    I can't believe that two people like us who would make great parents will not experience maternity. Yesterday I felt a bit inferior to my friends that have babies. I know it sounds silly but I did. It's such a punishment for a woman not to experience motherhood. Why me? What have I done?

    Offline Efi78

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    « Reply #17 on: 5/08/18, 10:17 »
    Desperation, sadness, loneliness....

    Yeste day another friend announced pregnancy. With severe MFI and non existent AMH. They were due to start IVF in October. It seems that it works for everyone apart from us.

    I am happy for my friend and I hope all goes well, but at the same time I feel low about myself. We have spent soooo much money. Have had incredible heartache and still nothing.

    If there is one thing that my friend's story teaches me is that "if it is to happen it will". There is no point in dwelling on it and spending too much thought over it.

    I am at crossroads, between giving up and continuing hurting myself. Where do I stop? It may damage my relationship in the end.

    Next year there is a possibility we might be moving to Germany. At least an opportunity to a new life

    I hope to a miracle. But miracles never happen to us. I know I think too negatively right now but we have git used so mich to failure.

    Also a part of me is annoyed with my friend. She knows I have had three miscarriages, still she told on my face. I don't think she meant to cause pain but I can't help but wonder. Is there a chance they might want to rub this on my face? I would never announce on someone's face when I know they have miscarried so many times. I would give them thumbs up.


    Offline Efi78

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    « Reply #18 on: 25/08/18, 14:05 »
    I was thinking that I write on my diary only wjen i feel sad and desperate. I should write more pften when I feel hopeful and positive which is most of the times.

    After 6 years of trying and several visits to the andrologist it seems we finally have good news on the sperm. A deamatic change in diet, loss of 20 kilos of fat, cabergoline and clomid to balance hubby‘s hormones seem to have done the trick. DNA fragmentation vey low and numbers normal with loads of motile sperm.

    Andrologist suggested to try naturally as ICSI won‘t make any difference. We have the same chances either way. Due to my age it is more likely to conceive by letting nature do its job rather than take loads of drugs that will impact egg quality anyway and in the end leave me with 1-2 two normal eggs collected.

    My thinking is to try low dosage Menopur to get 1-3 eggs to develop to gove some more chance. Also did hormonal exams recently and seems I am far from menopause. There must be a golden egg there. If i conceived naturally at 38.5 on the third month i should be able to do it again in 40. it may take longer but we ll get there maybe.

    We‘ll see. Doctor suggested daily intercourse over fertile period so we bed every morning. Fingers crossed....we ll see

    Offline Efi78

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    Hope dies last?
    « Reply #19 on: 22/10/18, 10:15 »
    Here i am. October 2018 and still nothing. I am 8DPO. No symptoms besides slightly sore boobs.

    I have been on progesterone pessary this month. 400mg once a day. It feels like it affects me negativeöy and causes me negative feelings.

    Nevermind. Next month I will need to do the progesterone test so will know whether I should use it or not.

    Other than this I am feeling kind of down. I so much wanted to have a family in my life but feels like God has decided it won’t happen. I come from a rather dyfuntional family and feel very alone in my life. The fact that God didn’t allow me to at least have my own family hurts. I would like to have three children. Well looks line even one is not happening after all. I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband. We are a strong family the two of us. But I need to be careful not to burden him too much. Sometimes when you are so alone in your life and you find someone to lean on you may unwillingly suffocate him. So I want to be careful. I want him to be happy.

    Family. How jealous I feel - in a good way -of people that have close and supportive families. How lucky they are. Parents that visit often and offer emotional support. How jealous I am and how I long for that. All my friends have incredibly supportive families. So lucky.

    Anywy. It must be the progesterone. I am so sensitive and weepy today. I want to be on my own and just cry.

    8 DPO and nearly no symptoms, negative pregnancy test. I don’t fall easily pregnant anymore. Usually when we had sperm I would fall within 3 months. Now 6 months and counting. I guess age has taken its toll after all.