Hope dies last?

[Efi78]

I am not sure why I am so down these last few days. Possibly because I surrender to the fact that I will be childless. Never in my life had I imagined that I would reach 40 with no children. Deep inside i still hope for an “oops”. But it kind of feels like it’s not meant to be no matter how hard I try. It feels like I need to stop, mourn and carry on.

I am not sure how to fulfil my life. I can travel more, further my career I guess and enjoy life. I always dreamt of having three children. I always wanted three children. I am not sure what to donwith my life. I am born to be a mum. It kind of gets me down. I feel down amd don’t want to see anyone during the last few days.

I am aware that having children is not always that easy. And many people regret it. I am sure I can have a fulfilimg life. I have had a fulfilling life so far and will continue to have. I would just like to share our love with a child.

On a positive note at least we move to another country next year. New country, new life, everything new. This will help me heal. I intend to start up a new company. And I want to start charity work.

At least I will always look younger and youthful. Have a good body, sleep whenever I want and how long I want. And I will always feel a bit lonely. I come from a dysfunctional family and always hoped to create my own. I don’t know. God has a plan. For some reason he wants me to be alone.

I would like to get a dog. And sometimes I just want to be alone. I have got tired of humans. I am so disappointed in them. So much meaness, jealousy in this world. I can’t comprehend it.

I so much hoped to be a mum when I move to Germany next year. Unfortunately chances it will happen are low. I am deeply disappointed i will not become a mum. I know I would be great. I am still in too much pain to think of adoption/DE etc. Too much grief.

Six years of trying. 4 IVFs, 3 miscarriages, three surgeries, one TESE, countless medical exams and doctors. We must have spent around £100k. We tried EVERYTHING. I know there are people that do 10-20 IVFs until they succeed but given the chances we have I think  this is silly.  And I can’t endanger my health any longer. I would like to shift this weight off my shoulders. Grieve and move on. And live my life as eternally young.

I always knew we would have problems to have children. Nothing comes easy to me. I just knew. What I didn’t know  is that we wouldn’t even succeed. That surpassed my expectations.

Anyway. God has a plan. I don’t think it’s worth being in such pain anymore. I have to gradually stop. Well I have started the process of stopping. I wish I didn’t have this last frozen blasto. I am sure it’s not going to stick but what can you do. Not transfer? As if it’s going to stick. My gut feeling says that it will be another epic failure.

I don’t know. I have seen women with far worse problems that me succeeding. Naturally. Against all odds. I don’t feel jealousy. I am happy for them. It just reminds me how unlucky I am.

Sigh...i meed to think what I am going to do with my life. I have to take care of myself and do more ofnwhat makes me happy. P

[FertilityFriends]

[Efi78]

Sunday morning. Sitting at my living room drinking my coffee. Darling husband still sleeping. He is the sunshine of my life. My rock.

This month I feel such a strong desire to have a child. A BFP would make me the happiest person in the universe. I want this so badly. It feels that I was born to be a mum. I want this more than anything. Anything. And not to place a tick that Inhabe done this. It’s because I habe strong mother insticts and desire to become a mother. Such a strong desire.

If my first pregnancy had gone well my little girl would now be 4 years old. I love children so much. So much.

When do I stop tracking ovulation? When do I let it go? There is a point that i should stop hurting myself. It is a hige loss for me not becoming a mother. It is huge loss for us not having a child. We are meant to be parents. At least I won’t look back and ask myself whether we tried everything or whether we did everything we could. We have tried EVERYTHING! Absolutely EVERYTHING.

I am not sure what to do with my life sometimes. I have achieved a lot. Financially, job wise, relationship wise. And everything ws planned in order  to have a family. Our house, our professional life. Everything in order a child to be happy. To be raised properly. I don’t jave a reson to save more money. A job doesn’t fulfill the void a childless life leaves. And what do I do? I continue for the rest of my lofe doing the same? Work, back home, food, sleep, holiday, entertainment, friends etc. I have done all that. And of course I stil enjoy those. But I would much rather at this stage have sleepless nights, read fairy tales, play woth my child and try to help him/her develop. That’s the normal course in life.

We started our jourmey to conceive when I was 33-34. I did fertility tests before starting. I was super fertile. After one and half year of failure. We checked the sperm. Severe oligospermia and we had our reason. Tests showed low testosterone. Doctor prescribed hubby clomid. This worled for him very well. We started tried in January 2014 (after I had removed a fibroid) and conceived on the second month. So much happiness.
On the 17th week we had to have a termination. We found out our little girl had Down‘s and many associated health problems. Pain beyond belief. It took me so long to get over it. Well...to learb to leave with it.

Fear. Disappointement. Doctor saying I am old and I don’t have time (at 35.5). IVF with PGS after removing another small fibroid. 10 embryos creted and frozen. Two months fst forward one out of ten was normal. Doctor failed miserably to do a proper transfer and probably lost the embryo. Useless. And of course BFN.

September 2015. husband on clomid again. Started trying on December 2015, pregnant February 2016. no heartbeat at 8 weeks

IVF. Moved to new clinic and hinby visited male fertility specialist. Pituitary tumor and prolactinoma found. Hormoned completely out of control. Cabergoline prescribed which helped a lot spermarogenesis.

December 2016 - hubby suffering asthma attack and anafylactic shock. Prescribed corticosteroids. Janiary 2017 IVF. Three baöstos good quality. Pregnant, missed moscarriage at 9 weeks....

IVF June 2017, very little sperm found. Corticosteroids due to asthma attack responsible. How unlucky are we? Hubby back to clomid.6 months on and DNA fragmentation horrible. Hubby due for TESE in February 2018. in the meantime FeT for me with the second blasto. Failure of course. What else?

April 2018 IVF with TESE sperm. Quality of sperm amazing. 12 eggs , 11 mature, 7 fertilised, great endometrium. 1 low quality böasto and of course BFN. What else could it be? Crashed beyond belief.

August 2018 at öast some good news. The sperm is back anf DNA fragmentation is good. We cn try naturally. But now I am 40...5th try this month and nothing. We now have corrected the sperm but you see I am 40 and I don’t conceive that easily anymore.

So Alm I am left with is hoping for a miracle. I don’t want to move to DE or adoption because I am still so hurt. I don’t want to have another IVF. OE or DE. I need to accept and move on. But what to do woth my life? Nothing fulfills and void I am left with. Everything I fought for, everything I achieved was for this child. Sonthat he/she can have a better life. I didn’t delay it because of career. I spent lpads of money. We corrected the inderlying problems. We tried everything. It is not meant to be and it is all I think of day and night. Sigh...

[Efi78]

Sunday morning. Sitting at my living room drinking my coffee. Darling husband still sleeping. He is the sunshine of my life. My rock.

This month I feel such a strong desire to have a child. A BFP would make me the happiest person in the universe. I want this so badly. It feels that I was born to be a mum. I want this more than anything. Anything. And not to place a tick that I have done this. It’s because I have strong mother insticts and desire to become a mother. Such a strong desire.

If my first pregnancy had gone well my little girl would now be 4 years old. I love children so much. So much.

When do I stop tracking ovulation? When do I let it go? There is a point that i should stop hurting myself. It is a huge loss for me not becoming a mother. It is huge loss for us not having a child. We are meant to be parents. At least I won’t look back and ask myself whether we tried everything or whether we did everything we could. We have tried EVERYTHING! Absolutely EVERYTHING.

I am not sure what to do with my life sometimes. I have achieved a lot. Financially, job wise, relationship wise. And everything was planned in order  to have a family. Our house, our professional life. Everything in order a child to be happy. To be raised properly. I don’t have any  to save more money. A job doesn’t fulfill the void a childless life leaves. And what do I do? I continue for the rest of my life  doing the same? Work, back home, food, sleep, holiday, entertainment, friends etc. I have done all that. And of course I stil enjoy those. But I would much rather at this stage have sleepless nights, read fairy tales, play with my child and try to help him/her develop. That’s the normal course in life. Sometimes I feel so inferior to other women

We started our jourmey to conceive when I was 33-34. I did fertility exams before starting. I was super fertile. After one and half year of failure we checked the sperm. Severe oligospermia and we had our reason. Tests showed low testosterone. Doctor prescribed hubby clomid. This worked for him very well. We started trying  in January 2014 (after I had removed a fibroid) and conceived on the second month. So much happiness.
On the 17th week we had to have a termination. We found out our little girl had Down‘s and many associated health problems. Pain beyond belief. It took me so long to get over it. Well...to learn to leave with it.

Fear. Disappointement. Doctor saying I am old and I don’t have time (at 35.5). IVF with PGS after removing another small fibroid. 10 embryos created and frozen. Two months fast  forward one out of ten was normal. Doctor failed miserably to do a proper transfer and probably lost the embryo. Useless. And of course BFN.

September 2015. husband on clomid again. Started trying on December 2015, pregnant February 2016. no heartbeat at 8 weeks

IVF. Moved to new clinic and hubby visited male fertility specialist. Pituitary tumor and prolactinoma found. Hormones completely out of control. Cabergoline prescribed which helped a lot spermarogenesis.

December 2016 - hubby suffering asthma attack and anafylactic shock. Prescribed corticosteroids. Janiary 2017 IVF. Three blastos good quality. Pregnant, missed moscarriage at 9 weeks....

IVF June 2017, very little sperm found. Corticosteroids due to asthma attack responsible. How unlucky are we? Hubby back to clomid.6 months on and DNA fragmentation horrible. Hubby due for TESE in February 2018. in the meantime FeT for me with the second blasto. Failure of course. What else?

April 2018 IVF with TESE sperm. Quality of sperm amazing. 12 eggs , 11 mature, 7 fertilised, great endometrium. 1 low quality blasto  and of course BFN. What else could it be? Crashed beyond belief.

August 2018 at last  some good news. The sperm is back and DNA fragmentation is good. We cn try naturally. But now I am 40...5th try this month and nothing. We now have corrected the sperm but you see I am 40 and I don’t conceive that easily anymore.

So All I am left with is hoping for a miracle. I don’t want to move to DE or adoption because I am still so hurt. I don’t want to have another IVF. OE or DE. I need to accept and move on. But what to do with my life? Nothing fulfills the void I am left with. Everything I fought for, everything I achieved was for this child. So that  he/she can have a better life. I didn’t delay it because of career. I spent loads of money. We corrected the underlying problems. We tried everything. It is not meant to be and it is all I think of day and night. Sigh...

[Efi78]

At the same time I have done anything possible. Viamins, balanced hormones, castor oil packs, vit E, baby aspirin, l arginine, changed diet, lost fat, eating organic, don‘t have stress at work. EVERYTHING!

I have good health, still quite a few follicles, still good hormones, great BMI etc. hubby the same.

And guess what? I have a friend who is 130 kilos. Has severe health problems, rarely ovulated and had periods, didn’t want children, smoking two packets per day, drinking 10 coffees a day and oops...unexpected pregnancy. Smooth pregnancy no miscarriage

Friend number two. Three children not trying at all from 34-38. 100 kilos, eating hamburgers all day long. No vitamins etc. heaöth problems. Her husband the same. However, three easy pregnancies.

Friend number three. PCOS rarely ovulating. BFP natural after 15 months of trying. No need for IVF or clonid etc. heaöthy pregnany no miscarriage. She regretted having a child

Friend number 4 - same story as above. She still complains how hard she tried to have a child....Really? Oh...and keeps sending me news of baby announcements and pictures of newborns.

And the list goes on and on and on. I have no jealousy for these people. Wishing them all the best and I love thoer children. But where I want to end up is that having a child is eventually down to luck. If it is to happen it will and there is nothing you can do to control it. Nothing.

[Efi78]

Another day another pregnancy announcement another reminder of our struggles.

I am happy for people having children. However, it’s difficult to come to terms with it when you are still struggling. When you are still struggling  at every stage of your life and still trying to keep positive. Whem you are wondering why God has been so cruel to you.

I can’t see one part of my life where I am not struggling. And I still see life positively. I think other people in my place would have fallen into depression. I still try and manage to see the good in life.

I don’t know what else to do. It’s a lifelong punishment. And so cruel. God hasn’t given me one thing easy in my life: not even one. Constant struggle. And the worst is that I do everything right. All the right choices. But 0 luck...

[Efi78]

Here i am sitting alone in my room. Here i am crying for you that never arrived. I have accepted defeat now and feel ok but there are definitely these dark moments. A pregnancy announcement, mothers with their children, cute adorable kids. Mothers enjoying their children. A feeling i will never experience. A feeling i always wanted to experience. Everythjng I did, everything I planned was so that my children will have a good life. I sometimes feel that even if i die now it’s ok because my life without a child has no real purpose. It’s so brutal for a woman that loves children so much not having one.
I keep hearing women trying  for their second and getting despraired and i think “i wishi were in your place and had at least one”. I am not sure how i will get over it. Not sure. Nothing can replace the void i feel. And as years go by, women that are mothers today will be grandmothers tomorrow. And i will be for ever alone.
I can’t describe my pain to anyone because someone that hasn’t felt the pain just asks “why don’t you adopt?”. What a judgemental, painful and rude question.
I don’t adopt because:
1) i am still in great pain for my loss
2) i have been through a lot and adoption is no less painful than IVF
3) adoption is expensive and i have spent a fortune in doctors and IVF
4) because i am too old for adoptive agencies
5) because we are so in love with my husband and we wanted an offspring to be born out of this love
6) because i have spent a fortune in IVF and adoption is also expensive
7) because i believe that i am so unlucky in that respect that i will probably spend another 5 years, spend money and invest emotionally and get nothing in the end.
because i want a 6 month old baby and at my age this is usually not possible.

Why i don’t want to do donor eggs
1) because i am so unlucky that i will probably spend again a fortune and still end up with nothing
2) because we have male factor and this will have a negative impact also on donor eggs.
3) because i am still in pain for my loss and not in the mood to suffer further
4) money, money, money
5) i don’t trust fertility clinics screening
6) strange for the child. How will they experience this? How will they feel when i tell them? There is no way i would hide this from them and no way i would go for anonymous donor. Btw husband is on the opposite spectrum therefore we would definitely have problems there.

Here I am sitting in a room, bracing for the next pregnancy announcement. All i know is that it won’t be me. Preparing for the last FET in June, which i know will fail. Because i am unlucky. I am so unlucky. Bracing for the pain i will go through when it fails.