Hi Ladies,
I just wanted to share my story with you. It might help some of you feel there's life after infertility or it might make some of you think I've gone absolutely insane
Either way, I thought it worth sharing.
It hasn't been that long since I found out that further fertility treatment was futile and that I must finally come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to have children. It has been painful, lonely, devastating, traumatic, frustrating, and with frequent feelings of failure and utter despair. I don't need to go into further detail as the fact that you are reading this tells me that you are likely to be familiar with how this feels.
So just recently I really struggled with the thought of 'how am I going to be able to live a life that at the end I will be able to look back and feel fulfilled without ever having children'? It's something that's almost impossible to consider achievable. I would look at my friends who were mothers and think, 'no matter what life throws at you, however hard it will get sometimes, at the end of it all you will be able to look back and feel that your life has been fulfilled because you had children, you brought them into the world and experienced all that it brings'. So how on earth was I going to substitute that with something that I could look back on and feel fulfilled too? It seemed like an impossible challenge but it was either find an answer or spend the rest of my days grieving over what cannot be. I know that we are all different and we cope in our own way, but I refuse to spend the next however-many-years broken by something that I cannot fix.
I should mention at this point that I'm 42 and single, which has brought it's own set of additional challenges, and that I appreciate that each of our circumstances are different. But for me it was a question of using my childlessness and lack of commitment to anybody else to its full advantage. Trying to turn all these heartbreaking negatives into something positive and purposeful.
So, what did I decide to do you're probably asking yourselves?? Well, I sold my house and my furniture and I bought a motorhome. Yes, you read that correctly, I bought a motorhome!
Now it's either the most genius idea I have ever had or I'm going through one hell of a mid life crises. It's too early to tell at this stage. But hear me out. We are all expected to conform, to have a house, things to put in it, a car, pay our rent/mortgage, our utility bills, council tax etc etc and then enjoy as much as we possibly can on whatever is leftover after all our outgoings. So I was sat there one evening thinking, 'I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I don't need this stuff. When have I ever gone to bed and thought 'oooh, i love my dining room table and chairs''!! So, after much careful deliberation I sold all my stuff, and my house, and opted for a 4 berth motorhome with all the mod cons. I now have no mortgage and no bills and am free to go anywhere I want. I run my own business and have staff to enable me to take a couple of days off here and there. I can be somewhere with a view of the mountains or a lake or in the countryside. And better still, I can take my nieces and nephews to France, Spain, anywhere we want to go and that creates memories that when I look back on it all I'll have found at least some fulfillness. Not exactly what I had planned or ever envisaged, but at least I didn't let this take over my life.
I appreciate this isn't everyones cup of tea and that this isn't an option for a lot of people. But I just wanted to share it with you all the same as we have all been going through this most difficult of journeys and I just think any positive experiences are worth of reading about.
I hope you all find your fulfilness.
Andrea xx
