* Author Topic: Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.  (Read 3995 times)

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Offline deblovescats

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I am hoping for a few ideas. I have a gorgeous 3 year old son and a beautiful 9 month old daughter as a result of double donation and I am a solo mum. My children are genetic siblings from the same batch of embryos. I suppose I have been putting off confronting what to tell them but the issue has raised it's head. My son is much loved by me, his family and everyone who knows me. This week at nursery, it was mentioned that the topic they are now doing is families and they had been drawing pictures. DS had drawn a picture and when asked what he had drawn, he said 'daddy'. They asked me what they should say to him as they want to follow whatever I ask them to, and are quite sensitive to my feelings, but I admit it hit me hard. I thought I'd come to terms with doing it on my own, and I did as I hadn't been lucky enough to meet a special partner, and wanted a baby. I just don't want my children to feel that they are different but to know how special they are to me. It would be wonderful if one day I could present them with a daddy, but I know that's not very likely. Any ideas of what to say to nursery. I have just sent off for the DCN Our Story book to customise.

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    Offline 63smc

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #1 on: 11/08/17, 00:58 »
    I am just at the start of this journey, so I am not speaking from experience.
    My plan is to use books and introduce my (future) children to all the different kinds of families (The Great Big Book of Families by Mary Hoffman). Talk to him about families that have daddies, families that have two mommies or two daddies or only one daddy or one mommy and even other families who have a mommy and a daddy and also step-mommies and -daddies. Or families who have grandparents in the same house etc.

    In your situation I think it might be good to sit down with your son and start drawing a picture of your family with him and include everyone in your family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, close family friends). Maybe there is even someone who is some sort of a father figure to him?! So I would maybe even include the types of activities he typically does with each family member.
    I think that at the age of three and especially during a time when this is a topic at nursery, he might just have been introduced to the concept of a daddy by his friends and picks up on it because it is interesting. I don't think he really understands the role of a daddy in a family. So he might just need some guidance on the people in his family and some sort of explanation on different types of families.

    Offline deblovescats

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #2 on: 11/08/17, 23:19 »
    thanks so much phoenix for your input, it is much appreciated. Sorry to see about your miscarriage. Good luck with your journey.
    I'm going to try your ideas.

    Offline Opossum

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #3 on: 12/08/17, 20:19 »
    if its for 'wheres daddy' then just that you 'love the so much you/they didnt need another person because you have the love of both a mummy and daddy' possibly

    if its to broach that they are adopted 'that you choose specially to have them' maybe

    Offline deblovescats

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #4 on: 12/08/17, 23:57 »
    Thanks opossum. My childrenare mine as a result of double donation so going to go down that route of that I wanted a baby so much I did it on my own, and I love them so much.

    Offline suitcase of dreams

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #5 on: 21/08/17, 20:08 »
    Hi there,

    Mine (6 Yr old twins) are also double donor. I've been talking to them since they were babies about their story. I have made them a photo book which explains how I went to the clinic etc. Ends with pics of them with all our family members. They've not asked to look at it for ages but we used to read it often when they were 3-4 and I'm sure we'll come back to it again at some point.

    Alongside that I have always talked about how families are different - some have mummy and daddy, some 2 mummies, or 2 daddies, or just a mummy or whatever other combination. They know that we don't have a daddy in our family (but we do have x, y, z etc) - and this was def enough for them at the age your son is now.

    Now at 6 they are just starting to question a bit more and we are having conversations about how everyone has a biological father - in their case a donor. But not everyone has a 'dad' who lives with them and looks after them. Not sure they've quite 'got it' yet but I'm just going with it and answering their questions as honestly and simply as I can.

    You may find the DCN workshop on Talking and Telling helpful - there's one for single mums which I did when mine were about 2 and it was a good opportunity to think about it all and to discuss with others in the same situation.

    I would ask nursery to do some work on different kinds of families and make sure they don't only talk about/reference the 'standard' nuclear family. See if they can include books/stories with different family types etc throughout the year so it's not just covered when they are doing the family topic specifically.

    Good luck!
    x

    Offline deblovescats

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #6 on: 21/08/17, 22:21 »
    Thanks suitcase -that's very helpful. I am starting to do a book for my son and daughter. I did ring up DCN and chatted to someone about this, which was useful. As you say, I think it's enough for him to say that we don't have a daddy but there are lots of different families. This was the lady at DCN's take on it. She said that DCN are preparing some information for primary schools about donor conceived families and would look into nursery settings material.

    Offline BroodyChick

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #7 on: 7/11/17, 17:18 »
    Have you joined the DCN? I would 100% recommend it xx

    Offline BroodyChick

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #8 on: 7/11/17, 17:21 »
    Sorry just read above again, Deb I absolutely wouldn't take any talk of daddies personally.
    We discuss daddies quite a bit, and he knows we don't have one in the family, but both agree that it would be nice if we did!
    He's even told me to go get a boyfriend!

    I have a known donor but he has no parental role and we see him around 1-2 times a year, he is known by his first name and that he helped mummy have DS x

    Offline Blondie71

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    Any ideas of what to tell child about 'no daddy'.
    « Reply #9 on: 8/11/17, 21:24 »
    Keep it simple Debs, most really don't seem to grasp until 7-8 from what I can see so far anyway, funny nursery called me about what to do for Father's day and it jarred me for a while after too, I just told them that we celebrate Grandad and they replaced dad with Grandad on everything and it worked fine x