Pregnancy and Parenting after Infertility > Moving On- For Those with Children

Moved on but sister making it difficult


I hope I am posting in the right place if not I apologise and please change as necessary. Sorry for long post but have been meaning to share this for a while, feel like I can't tell anyone what's on my mind without judging me.
Let me start with a bit of background, I've had 4 IVF/IVSI and I was lucky enough to have my DS from my second attempt. After I had DS, me and my DH decided to try one more time and give my DS a sibling, unfortunately it was unsuccessful so even though it was heart breaking we decided to move on, to many years of heartbreak due to infertility, as we all know here life just stops when trying for a miracle. It wasn't an easy decision to make and it took me a while to come to terms with that decision,and all along I did tell my younger sister how I felt, she saw me through very dark times and I thought she understood. How wrong was I, the following year for I donít know what reason my sister started telling me that I should try again for a sibling for my DS, that otherwise I will regret it later, she even offered me money to pay for part of the treatment. I tried to explain that apart from the financial burden that the treatment bring, and as my DH said if I were to put a bet on something with my chances of conceiving would I go with it, my answer was no, I tried so hard to make her understand that I just donít want to put myself and DH through it again, just to hard, the whole process is just to hard, we have moved on and have to enjoy what's in front of us and stop chasing a dream that might not ever happen. I just couldn't understand why she was so persistent at the time, eventually I let myself convinced, I wanted so much another baby, even though in hindsight I knew deep down that it wouldn't happen but I let myself hope. Big mistake, this time we didn't even got to transfer as all embryos were poor quality and were none to freeze. I couldn't stop myself feel that I let myself push into something that I shouldn't have gone through in the first place, just realized that my sister just didn't understand, which is fair enough, what really upset me is the fact that even though my sister is my best friend she is fiercely competitive with me. She has a lovely little boy who will be three in December and she's always blamed me for having her son when she did, she's had him just after she's finished law school and that complicated her career prospects at the time.  She would always say that if it wouldn't have be for me putting pressure for her to have a baby she would of waited a while, must make a note that all that is generally said jokingly, but still felt a bit of a dig every time.
Going back to my last ICSi, I felt that her convincing me to have another go was her way of pay back, what she didn't take into account was that the chances for me to succeed are very small, and involves a lot more then a night of fun. As said before she is very competitive which is fine generally, there were times when she really upset me though, as example the same year when we had our failed icsi for a sibling we were burgled and they took a locket necklace that my DH got me after having DS and inside I had my DS pic and some of his baby hair, from all the things that they took that really upset me. What do you think my sister did, she went and bought herself exactly the same necklace and literally rubbed it in my face thinking is very funny WTF.
There are other things like that just not worth mentioning just trying give an insight into the kind of competitive Iím referring to. And Iím not a push over I do tell her when she is pushing it to far. Anyway hope you guys are still with me.
Where I wanted to get is, you see my sister lives in Germany but we do see each other a few times a year recent years, especially since having kids. I knew she was trying for another baby, but she always said that she doesnít want another baby born in December, yeah some people can pick and choose, so we had tickets to go to a family festival bank holiday August, of course they would came over a few days earlier, booked hotel for two nights and was looking forward to it. But beforehand, about a week before they were due to come over, we went a few days away in Devon, has a lovely time, my DS had a great time, we were all very happy and relaxed and one evening while getting ready to go out for dinner I thought Iíll ring my sister on FaceTime, only for her to have a go that I didn't ring in days and she has so much to tell me etc, we were away and internet not very good where we were. Anyway she thought it was a good idea to put the pregnancy test in the camera and tell me that she's pregnant and that is so early but already went to the dr and had a scan, of course they couldn't see a heartbeat not even a sac and might be ectopic (I had an ectopic in 2009, one of the worst days of my life), bringing it up really hurt, but seems that she has a cist in the uterus. I do understand that she wanted to share her news but I thought that she might be a bit more sensitive considering she new the hell I went through with the whole infertility journey, especially that it was so early anyway. I know it sounds really mean but I truly believe she's got herself pregnant that particular mouth on purpose, she could have waited one more month after they came over and got back home, I know how I sound and feel terrible for feeling this way but can't help it. Then when they were here I did tell her that I was upset about all the timing thing and that should of been more sensitive, unfortunately it all came out after I had a glass of wine and maybe I didn't phrase it very delicate but I was literally boiling since she's told me, just the timing seemed so planned, and then she had the face to tell me that she's been trying for a few months ( aprox 3 months which would of made her have the baby in December which apparently she didn't want, and how hard it was for her, try for about 10 freaking years and then tell me about hard. Just feel really depressed as i know things will never be the same again and lost not only my sister but my best friend or at least the idea of the best friend, and to top it up now she's put on social media as well, just can't believe she's so insensitive. We still talk on FaceTime but only once a week and then she is in a strop, I try to ask questions about pregnancy and she would just cut me short and say she's fine, just she's so got the wrong side of the stick, Iím glad she's pregnant, Iím happy for her, just her timing and luck of sensitivity, I was expecting more from her and she's let me down and now she's the one offended. I moved on but that doesnít mean it doesnít still hurt, as another friend of mine said, even when it works the fact that we had to go through the whole infertility process changes us, at least me, I feel traumatised and will stay with me forever, it made me the person that I am today.
I have all this mixed feelings of guilt and then I feel angry at the same time, I donít think we can go back to what we were before and I think Iím grieving for that, I will miss the way we were. Sorry if I donít make much sense, Iím writing this on my phone. I just wanted to take it out of my chest xx

Just wanted to say I feel your pain and your story resonated with me! I also have problems with a sister who I was always very close to, we were best friends and shared so much ... I really hurt now that we're no longer as close as we were and I feel I've lost her! It's so painful. We are both unfortunately single and always wanted to meet our soulmates and have a family. I decided to go for it on my own as there was no man on the horizon! I did double donation due to my age, and I've been blessed and have a gorgeous son who's 3 and a beautiful daughter who's almost one - both from same batch of embryos, I also have two waiting for me to try again! I am so happy with my decision and my children are my world. My sister does love them to bits, especially my son, but she is so bitter and jealous, it's been a nightmare at times. She has depression and has been very down since she found out I was pregnant with DS. I have tried to be sensitive about it, but she's put a dampener on everything. I had to play down all the excitement about the pregnancy, she didn't look at my scans etc. I resent her for this. Her job means she couldn't do it on her own due to working shifts and being out of the country for days at a time, and she has blamed me for not helping her out as if I owe her. We have massive rows sometimes and I'm now moving out as I want to be a proper family with my little ones, we currently share a house for convenience, but it's not ideal. She claims I'm taking DS away from her and several times, suggested I leave DS with her and take the baby!!! What planet is she on? ! She constantly moans about how I'm so lucky and why doesn't she deserve it too! She never minded as much when I was in the same situation. She says we used to go on breaks together but doesn't want to do child friendly ones when I suggest it. I really can't find a way forward at all. Anyway, sorry I can't help but feel better for getting it off my chest. At least you know you're not alone in having this problem.
I totally think you're wise moving on, if trying was causing you so much anguish. You have a lovely family - enjoy!

Hi Coombiesgirl, I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you had counselling in the past? Might you consider talking to someone about how you feel?

Other people's fertility, especially family and close friends can be so upsetting. I'm not sure anything we say as people who have been though infertility can explain how difficult it is. I'm also not sure we can expect others to be as empathetic and sympathetic as we need them to be. I almost think it would help to lower expectations and think

- everyone close to us will get pregnant
- they will tell us in a way that upsets us

I'm hope I don't some defeatist. Have you read the post on the Resolve site about friends and family and fertility? I've asked all my best friends to text me if they are pregnant and NEVER to send scans or tell me in person in a group situation. Some have forgotten.

I hope with time you can have your relationship back with your sister. Xx

I am sorry you are going through this. I understand what you are feeling, as myself I lost my school friend, who got pregnant quickly, but could not (or didn't want) to support me during my moments of struggle.


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