* Author Topic: Lack of support/understanding  (Read 1950 times)

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Offline sidl02

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Lack of support/understanding
« on: 1/11/17, 05:42 »
Hi Ladies,
I wonít go over all the history leading up to my present situation but in brief, Iím 43, single, no children despite IVF and now Iím infertile. I started the menopause at 40 although iíve only officially found out in the past 6 months. Iíve had a very, very difficult 18 months - 2 years which would have challenged anybody, without the added symptoms of an early menopause. For someone who has been used to dealing with all that life has had to throw at them, and someone who considers themselves pretty resilient, even Iím surprised that Iíve managed to cope with everything lately, particularly during this difficult process. In addition Ive not been able to use HRT so Iíve had to cope with it without it albeit recently Iíve been prescribed antidepressants which have been a great help.
But despite everything thatís happened I feel the hardest part and the most saddening is the effect and break down of my friendship with my best friend. We have been like sisters since we were 16. I know that everything I have been through recently has had an effect on me but I genuinely feel I have handled it as well as can be expected and better than most. Having no partner through all of this has probably resulted in me depending or relying on her support more than normal and I guess there have been instances where I may have been more sensitive or emotional or even over reacted more than I normally would have. But as we all know, menopause effects us emotionally, physically and mentally and itís been such a testing and challenging time having to  deal with so much aswell as cope with early menopause that itís bound to take its toll. None of my peers are going through this at such an early age so they donít understand but I have tried to reach out to her and never thought Iíd ever doubt that Iíd be able to rely on her support but she has made me feel like such a pressure friend and a burden. Itís even more upsetting as I have been there for her so much over the years and have helped her through some difficult times. Iíve gone above and beyond for her for many years and would never have made her feel this way, no matter how bad things got. So I challenged her and told her how i felt and she responded that I wasnít a burden but she did feel she was walking on eggshells around me. But I genuinely donít feel I have. Sure, I havenít been myself, and I may have even shown some frustration at the lack of her support which I guess is out of character, but it just seems that anything I raise is put down to my Ďhormonesí. Iíve had so many other friends around me that have supported me and reminded me that Iím a great friend to them and that they are here for me. Friends I never expected.
But Iíve never had anyone make me feel Iím difficult to be around or that Iím hard work. I donít know if itís because Iím usually so laid back or Iím the one that my friends usually turn too for support and sheís not used to this side of me where Iím a little more outspoken or acting a bit needy of support but isnít that what friends are there for? She knows that hat I donít have any parents or much in the way of family so Iím just so shocked by whatís happened.
Apologies for waffling on. This process is so difficult it makes you question yourself and your behaviour and makes you feel like youíre going a bit crazy. Thanks for listening. I suppose I wondered if any of you have experienced anything similar?

Andrea xxx

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    Offline Efi78

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    Lack of support/understanding
    « Reply #1 on: 1/11/17, 06:50 »
    Hi Andrea

    Yes constantly. I have always been the strong one and the person people turn to. When I had need for support everyone walked away. Including family. I am a strong person though and I don't buy any b/s. Quite frankly I dumped them. My best friend and my family were surprised because they never though I would do that. They keep trying making contact but too late. I literally have no feelings for them anymore. My best firend one of the same. I was always the one who supported and listened to her problems. When I went through a hard time in my life she disappeared. It tooka while to realise what had happened so I dumped her. She tried several times to contact and become friends again but nope. She doesn't deserve me. Same situation with my family.

    Anyway, i realised through all this that I am too nicr to people. Going forward when someone has problems I don't listen to them and I don't make an effort to help. The only person that is my rock is my husband. And I am happier since then because I don't deal with negativity and their problems and I have a lot of positive energy myself. I have become selfish and I am glad I did because very few people deserve support. Sorry If i sound harsh but I advice you to do the same. Surround yourself with posotove happy people and care only about yourself. Give support and advice only if you are sure someone deserves it

    Offline CupcakeUK

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    Lack of support/understanding
    « Reply #2 on: 11/11/17, 19:00 »
    Hi Andrea
    Just wanted to send you a hug and to let you know I am going through something very similar.  A few weeks ago I was told I had been going through peri-menopause for at least the last 5 years and coming to the end of it, i.e. nearing menopause.  I am just 45.  I have had a long and difficult infertility journey to include numerous failed IVF cycles and a miscarriage (natural pregnancy) last year.  Shortly after my miscarriage, 3 friends told me about their pregnancies.  This summer was especially painful with them all giving birth roughly a month after when my baby would have been due.  I have needed space away from their babies as I was still dealing with my loss.  But this has impacted on friendships.  I don't feel any of my friends really, truly understand what this is like.  Even one of these friends had IVF but got pregnant first time, every time and now has her "family" and seems to be ignoring any contact I make.  I don't feel part of their "club".

    I think life events such as the ones we have had change us and maybe we both need to look for better, more supportive friends.  Funnily enough, my neighbours have been more supportive and caring which really surprised me!

    Take care of you,

    Cupcake x