* Author Topic: Life with Beano  (Read 4758 times)

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Offline Michimoo

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Life with Beano
« on: 3/04/17, 06:08 »
Everybody has their own demons they need to deal with, I understand that. Some are bigger than others and depending on the person, some you just wouldn't know are there. Well that's me. You may read my diary sometimes and think, "oh Wow! This woman is so negative. She's miserable. Why can't she just get on with things?" But ironically if you met me I'm completely different than how I may come across in my diary. You see this is the ONLY place I'm truly honest to the world, including being honest with myself. This diary is the only place I can rant or let out any immediate emotions I may have. To the outside and if you ever, ever met me, you really wouldn't have a clue about what I've been through. I just don't tell anyone.
I'm upbeat, I'm jokey and smiley, I'm a warm, loving person who puts everyone else first. I'm always reaching out to others and being kind, offering them a shoulder to cry on. I'm a supportive friend who embraces the joy of making others feel good all of the time. I'm the one my friends call when they have a problem or just need to cry. I'm the one who listens and helps fix things if they ask for help. Because that's what I do. That's who I am. That's the person I portray to the outside world. It's just the way I'm programmed now.
If I didn't have my diary I'd probably be in a looney bin.
I don't talk to anyone about what's going on in my life. Even DH hasn't got a clue about my inner thoughts or emotions. I'm this strong, stoic woman who focuses on bringing joy to others. Making my husband, family and friends feel good. I don't cry and I don't know why? I haven't cried about this last miscarriage and yet this recent one has really messed with my head. All I can see is that picture of the last ultrasound scan of the baby fully formed with arms, legs, body, head just floating there with no heartbeat. Clear as a whistle. It's actually haunting me.
Maybe if I cried I wouldn't stop. There's probably far too much emotion that's been bottled up for too long I may just explode!
I'm also getting frustrated reaching out to others now. Despite what's going on in my life and the underlying torment. I'm offering shoulders and trying to be supportive to people who just kind of throw it back in your face. I'm wondering why I'm bothering? No one does it for me anymore because I don't vocalise what I've been or what I'm going through.
Maybe I think that they won't be interested. Maybe I think that I'm really not that important. Maybe I was put on this earth just to fix others?
Maybe I actually need people to want to fix me for a change, without me having to tell them I need fixing. Does that make sense?
I dunno! I'm just waffling and ranting in my diary like I usually do. Although that last sentence has brought a tear to my eye. Wow! That must've hit a nerve. Maybe I'm not an emotionless robot after all.
I'm alone in my thoughts. I really do feel alone.
I can't express enough how this diary and the wonderful ladies who occasionally send me messages keep spuring and sending their love get me through each day. You are the only ones who know my story.
My friends, family and husband don't know the inner me and my real thoughts and emotions.
I really am a completely different person than my diary sometimes portrays. Am I lying to the world and to myself? No, because I AM that caring, upbeat, joyful, happy, smiley friend. But sometimes, just sometimes, I need that hug myself.
Thanks diary for being my wonderful release.

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    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #1 on: 4/04/17, 22:01 »
    Well, well, well! When the chips are down a curve ball gets randomly thrown your way!
    I have been asked to be a guest on the Anne Diamond show at 10am on BBC Radio Berkshire this Thursday to talk about my fertility journey!!

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p002m92c

    I really don't know what to expect and I'm as nervous as Hell. I'm sure there will be lots of ummmmm's and so's and big pauses whilst I stop myself from accidently swearing or putting my huge foot in my mouth.
    It's funny because I remember watching Anne Diamond on Good morning Britain with that Nick bloke when I was younger. I grew up with her and always though she was lovely. So it'll be great to meet her in the flesh.

    That was a bit of a turn up today!

    This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #2 on: 5/04/17, 22:33 »
    Getting very nervous about the radio tomorrow!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #3 on: 6/04/17, 05:43 »
    I'm wide awake. I can't sleep. I'm starting to get a cold and the Mother of all spots has appeared overnight on my chin. I always knew I had a face for radio.
    Hope I don't yawn or sneeze my way through the interview.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #4 on: 6/04/17, 09:58 »
    The fact I'm sitting in the a canteen on my own with a a cup of tea, may suggest I'm not going to be on bang on 10am!!!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #5 on: 6/04/17, 13:30 »
    I hadn't finished my tea when the Producer came in and grabbed me and said "right I'll show you where to put your bag and you'll be on air straight away!"
    I guzzled the rest of my tea to lubricate my throat. No time for that nervous poo I needed.
    Off I went and was seated next to Anne Diamond and a microphone positioned under my nose. The music finished and I was on air!
    What I said I do not know! So I've got to wait until it's online to hear my waffle! Eek!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #6 on: 6/04/17, 17:34 »
    Here it is! Today's podcast on BBC radio Berkshire. If you missed it and were interested then the segment starts at 10 minutes into her broadcast in the below link.
    I'm glad both my feet didn't go in my mouth but I seemed to have committed to getting my book written sooner rather than later.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04xg2w1

    It'll only be up for the next 28 days.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #7 on: 7/04/17, 04:25 »
    Woken up in a little panic about yesterday's interview. The realisation that I put myself "out there" as the real me and not just a forum name anonymously. It's made me question if I want to write my book now, as do I want my friends and family actually reading my full warts and all story? Do I want them knowing my inner most thoughts and literally putting my soul on the table for them to read?
    Do I want to be the face of infertility?
    Am I going to upset or offend anyone?
    I'm starting to worry that I may have freaked some women out who are going through their first lot of treatment as I may've burst their bubble with the fact I said it might not work. I really hope I haven't as that is the last thing I want to do. It's totally the opposite of my intentions.
    There was so much more I wanted to say but didn't get a chance to. I had hoped to be on for longer or be asked different questions but they were very focused on getting to the "fairytale" lake story.
    My purpose was to help others and let them know they're not alone. It would break my heart if I thought that I'd shattered anyone's expectations on treatment as we all know how positive you need to try and be.
    There's nothing I can do about it now. It's been put out there. Although as of today its old news and I'll be forgotten about in a week. Ha ha.

    I had a message from my husband yesterday. He listened to the interview live online in Greece. He text me and told me I made him cry.
    Now anyone who knows my husband, knows he's not an emotional sort of bloke. He never cries. I think I've seen him well up about about three times since I've been with him. So that statement floored me. I don't know if he cried because he was proud, cried because he finally understood or cried because it was hard for him to hear me condense everything into 10 minutes. But I'm hoping that maybe this might make him be a bit more sesnsitive to me in the future? Pah! Who am I kidding. But one things for sure, I will be framing that text message and putting it in a box for me to keep.

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #8 on: 9/04/17, 09:54 »
    DH came home yesterday after having to spend longer in Athens than intended. You see he stayed home an extra 2 days to look after me following the ERPC because I'd had a general Anesthetic I couldn't really look after Beano on my own and my parents were unfortunately away on a cruise, so literally had no one. Also I was recovering from having my insides scraped out which to be honest I'm still tender 4 weeks on. But anyway, I digress.
    Because hubby stayed at home his Company decided that it wouldn't be classed as compassionate leave, (Ok then!) therefore he needed to make his time up at the end of his hitch. Thank God we hadn't booked to go away or had any plans hey?
    So they booked his flight home Saturday morning. On Friday afternoon at 6pm they made him redundant!!! WTF? His months notice will be at home.
    He had to run back to his apartment and pack up 3 years of living in Athens in 4 suitcases.
    Didn't get a chance to say goodbye to anyone because they did it when most people had left the office.
    I'm gobsmacked. As is he.
    Ironically we have a holiday booked in June to go to Athens so he could chill out with friends as with his working he doesn't really get to socialise. So yes we will be back in a few months, but never expected it to potentially be our last. Gutted!
    We lose a baby 4 weeks ago and now lose our home income. Loving this 2017 lark!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #9 on: 13/04/17, 21:40 »
    I know we are in a potential financial doo doo right now with no income, however DH has randomly said that that from now on we need to use protection when we have sex. Wtf?
    I told him that actually upsets me that he has said that.
    He's just said that "nothing is ever good enough for me, is it?"
    "Why cant I just be happy with Beano?"
    I am! I've never said I'm not.
    But after everything we've been through, to start using protection I just find insulting. He's told me I'm too fertile!
    WHAT?
    REALLY?

    Do you know what mate? There's no need to use protection because statements like that are protection enough!
    You don't need protection if you're only going to have your own hand to have sex with.
    Because you ain't coming near me right now!