* Author Topic: Life with Beano  (Read 4735 times)

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Offline Michimoo

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Life with Beano
« Reply #20 on: 6/09/17, 09:38 »
I haven't been around for a while due to trying to juggle so many balls. Having DH home is not only difficult emotionally, but it's frustrating too. I can't relax in the house. If I want to sit on the computer, then he is on it. He scrutinises me about my choice in trash tv, to the point that I just don't watch it anymore. The TV is now only on to watch toddlers cartoons or sci-fi [email protected] As he's here all the time, I don't have any space to breath and the only time I do is if I take out beano. We still aren't using protection and with the due date of my little one coming up I'm feeling more broody. However I'm just not in the "mood"! I'm not getting any younger and I'm wondering if I need to just admit to myself that those babies I've lost were for a reason and move on. But you know me, I'm a stubborn little Mule and I'll keep fighting. Hmmmm now just got to tackle the fact that I need to have sex with the man who is driving me bonkers!

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    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #21 on: 8/09/17, 21:54 »
    Why am I a comfort eater? Why can't I be one of these women who feels low and goes off food completely?
    DH has lost the court case and who knows where we go from here.
    I'm eating everything I can find in all the cupboards.
    I'm also pretty pi$$ed right now as there were 2 bottles of wine screaming to be drunk!
    I'm now in a chocolate coma after divulging in an entire family sized bar of galaxy and a smaller bar of Dairy Milk! And I could still swim in a vat of bounty bars!!!
    I know I'm going to regret this in the morning, but right now, I seem to have a bottomless stomach!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #22 on: 20/09/17, 07:31 »
    Period arrived with a vengeance. Just another lovely reminder that yet again I'm not pregnant. On the same day that my friend began to have contractions. How wonderfully ironic!

    I went to see Yerma last night at the Cinema. It's a modern adaptation of a Lorca play about a woman suffering with Infertility. It was crazily like my life. Her husband worked abroad. She wrote an online blog. He kept travelling when she was ovulating. Things like that. I came away a little shaken by it all and I'm still not sure how I feel this morning about it?

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #23 on: 23/09/17, 22:46 »
    I broke down today. It should be my due date next week and 2 ladies I know have just just given birth. It smacked me in the face like a big rocket this morning. I should be having my little baby now. Boy it hurts. Why did I get hit with the sh1tty stick?

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #24 on: 1/11/17, 03:51 »
    Iím wide awake, itís 3am. Iíve actially been awake for about 2 hours as I have so much running through my mind.
    DH has still not been able to find work due to his job being so specialised. The savings pot is draining dramatically and Iíd say we have 3 more months until we run out of money. Therefore as heís not getting much success, then I have put myself back on the market.
    Before my acting I used to be a Director of a company. It was ridiculously long hours, a lot of pressure and you never switched off. Every time I used to see that little blinking light on the blackberry, I knew it was going to be an email with a problem.
    I remember by Friday I would always feel exhausted and come the weekend all I wanted to do was sleep. I stopped this high profile corporate job when I first began my medical fertility journey. I was taking clomid at the time and sweating in meetings suppressing the urge not to burst into tears at any given moment. When I knew I was going to have my first ivf, I knew the job and career had to take a back seat, so I resigned.
    That was 6 years ago so trying to even get someone to interview me has been difficult. For about 6 months, I have canvassed my C.V. to anyone and everything. I even applied for jobs I wasnít qualified for in desperation.
    Iíve recently been offered some interviews which in themselves have been quiet daunting. My acting skills have come in handy as I blagged my way through.
    Well tonight I canít sleep because Iím feeling uneasy. You see, today I was offered a job face to face in a second interview. Itís an amazing opportunity and they had over 200 applicants. They want me to start in 5 days time. I need to travel to Australia and South Africa 2-3 months a year and theyíll want my blood sweat and tears. The roles will be reveresed and DH will now be a house husband.
    My heart feels like itís been pulled out. My precious little miracle, who Iíve practically raised as a single Mum for nearly 2 years wonít see her Mummy much. The other catch to this job is itís not local either, so from Mon - Thurs I will be staying away from home.
    Iím still doing my acupuncture course which is already paid for and thatís at weekends, so time with my baby will be very limited.
    DH has told me not to be so silly but then also flipped it by saying ďnow you know how I felt!Ē Hmmmmmm notreally mate, you never spent years injecting yourself, feeling a failure as a woman, worried about your biological clock, carrying the precious miracle for 9 months and analysing every twinge. Itís not the same at all.
    But, I have no choice. We havent won the lottery. We have a mortgage, bills and debts to pay so I guess Iím going back to corporate land.
    One things for sure, Iím missing her already.
    But what about another baby? Does this mean my journey is over? If DH cant find work and this will be our only income then I canít get pregnant as we need the money. Iím 41 in 3 months. Iím not getting any younger but Iím still desperate to have another baby. I donít know what to do.

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #25 on: 7/11/17, 04:50 »
    First day back in corporate world done and Iím lying awake with insomnia in a hotel room alone. I left before Beano woke and I was very emotional. All day Iíve wanted to cry not being near her. Iíve had no lunch break so couldnít call and everything is overwhelming. Theyíve already booked me on a work trip to South Africa for a week which means Iíll be miles away. I FaceTimed baby last night and she kept kissing the screen, when I said goodbye she cried her heart out and was calling my name. That broke me. I told DH I donít think I can do this. My life and priorities have changed since I worked in corporate land. He talked me out of it and told me to toughen up!
    To top it all Iím starting my period. Another reminder that Iím getting older and not Iím pregnant.
    It may explain the tears with all the hormones. But if Iím honest, 10 years ago this job would be perfect. Even 10 years in the future, this job would be perfect. But right now, itís killing me. Itís only day 1.

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #26 on: 24/12/17, 07:55 »
    Well. I had a bit of a panic there as I thought my diary had been lost. Not sure if my followers will find this thread but I can now talk a bit more openly about Beano as Iíve been very conscious not to do that much as I was still in the ICSI thread.
    Well life with Beano is precious, however Iím really starting to worry that Iíll never have another. Iím 41 in 2 weeks and naturally Iím not sure my body will do it all again. Iím also not sure when Iíll get round to having sex as DH is annoying the life out of me. I just feel heís so smug about staying with Beano whilst Iím now out working and seems to have a real sarcastic twist to everything now. When I come home from work he tells me not to mess his routine. Thatís a joke mate, you did that for 2 years with me and I just sucked it up!
    I think what this going back to work full time milarkie has shown me, is that I could be independent if I wanted and support my little girl. Hmmmm.

    Anyway, Merry Christmas you wonderful bunch of human beings and I hope Santa grants all your wishes true. Lots of love. xxxxx

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #27 on: 7/01/18, 09:11 »
    Birthday today and hit the grand old age of 41. Every birthday is a sign that Iím getting older and my fertility life is slipping away. Knowing that hubby will never agree to IVF again I know that I need to naturally get pregnant. In an ideal world I wouldíve liked to have had 3 children and I am truly blessed to have my beautiful miracle. Iíd just like her to not be alone, especially being older parents. I would love for her to have a sibling but with my job and flying off to Australia in a week Iím writing this month and next off the conception calendar. So letís start March as my active baby making month. Seen as thatís hubbys birthday month heíll think all his birthday and christmasís Will be coming at once. Especially as Iíve not really wanted any sex due to resenting him a little. While Iím in Oz I best find my mojo as at the moment Iím a stone over my preferred weight and feeling like a blob. I wonder if thereís a gym where Iím staying and I could start to get fit again whilst Iím away. We will see.
    On another note my beautiful Beano attempted to sing happy birthday this morning. Something I never in a million years thought Iíd ever hear from my own child. It melted my heart and is a memory Iíll lock away forever. x

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #28 on: 26/01/18, 13:34 »
    Iím in Australia. Iím earning money for my family to ensure we pay the mortgage and keep a roof over our head. I havenít been able to FaceTime Beano for 4 days with the time difference. Beano is sick at the moment and so is hubby, which kills me when Iím so Far away. Iíve just called DH to get an update and when I questioned him, I got told to not dictate what he did whilst Iím away enjoying myself, whilst he looks after our daughter!! WTF? I donít want to be ANYWHERE other than being with her! I literally am lost for words and seriously am questioning our future.
    If anything Iíve proved I can provide for her but if anything what I do know is I need someone who actually loves me! Thatís how Iím feeling right now. Very alone. A terrible mother and totally heartbroken when all Iím trying to do is the right thing by everyone apart from myself. Why canít I have someone who cares for my feelings? I canít stop crying alone here on my balcony.

    Offline Michimoo

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    « Reply #29 on: 26/01/18, 14:27 »
    Iím working to support you both.
    Iím working because you canít find a job.
    Iím working because you didnít bother sending your CV out to anyone that would take it.
    Iím working because you sat back and hoped it would fall in your lap.
    Iím working because actually Iím not a useless piece of sh** and am actually valued!
    Iím working so just be flipping grateful!