I’m wide awake, it’s 3am. I’ve actially been awake for about 2 hours as I have so much running through my mind.
DH has still not been able to find work due to his job being so specialised. The savings pot is draining dramatically and I’d say we have 3 more months until we run out of money. Therefore as he’s not getting much success, then I have put myself back on the market.
Before my acting I used to be a Director of a company. It was ridiculously long hours, a lot of pressure and you never switched off. Every time I used to see that little blinking light on the blackberry, I knew it was going to be an email with a problem.
I remember by Friday I would always feel exhausted and come the weekend all I wanted to do was sleep. I stopped this high profile corporate job when I first began my medical fertility journey. I was taking clomid at the time and sweating in meetings suppressing the urge not to burst into tears at any given moment. When I knew I was going to have my first ivf, I knew the job and career had to take a back seat, so I resigned.
That was 6 years ago so trying to even get someone to interview me has been difficult. For about 6 months, I have canvassed my C.V. to anyone and everything. I even applied for jobs I wasn’t qualified for in desperation.
I’ve recently been offered some interviews which in themselves have been quiet daunting. My acting skills have come in handy as I blagged my way through.
Well tonight I can’t sleep because I’m feeling uneasy. You see, today I was offered a job face to face in a second interview. It’s an amazing opportunity and they had over 200 applicants. They want me to start in 5 days time. I need to travel to Australia and South Africa 2-3 months a year and they’ll want my blood sweat and tears. The roles will be reveresed and DH will now be a house husband.
My heart feels like it’s been pulled out. My precious little miracle, who I’ve practically raised as a single Mum for nearly 2 years won’t see her Mummy much. The other catch to this job is it’s not local either, so from Mon - Thurs I will be staying away from home.
I’m still doing my acupuncture course which is already paid for and that’s at weekends, so time with my baby will be very limited.
DH has told me not to be so silly but then also flipped it by saying “now you know how I felt!” Hmmmmmm notreally mate, you never spent years injecting yourself, feeling a failure as a woman, worried about your biological clock, carrying the precious miracle for 9 months and analysing every twinge. It’s not the same at all.
But, I have no choice. We havent won the lottery. We have a mortgage, bills and debts to pay so I guess I’m going back to corporate land.
One things for sure, I’m missing her already.
But what about another baby? Does this mean my journey is over? If DH cant find work and this will be our only income then I can’t get pregnant as we need the money. I’m 41 in 3 months. I’m not getting any younger but I’m still desperate to have another baby. I don’t know what to do.
