I’m now back home and Beano won’t let me leave her sight. Every time I walk out of the room she shouts for me. I feel even more awful about leaving her. I don’t want her to feel like I’ve abandoned her. I write a postcard on my last day in Australia and told her how much Mummy was missing her little miracle. If I have to go away with work again, I think I’ll keep this up so she can look back and know that I thought about her all the time.
I’m due to have my probabtion review next week but it’s now been postponed until 2 weeks time due to the CEO ‘s Mother passing away.
DH and I are speaking. He is a total bloke and has forgotten all about his episode and thinks everything’s normal. I on the other hand haven’t and I’m still quite angry about the whole thing. However right now my full focus is on Beano and giving her 3 weeks of total love. If I could sleep in her or with her I would.
On another note I have put on just over a stone. I’m the same weight I was when I carried Beano. Lonely nights in a hotel room drinking red wine and eating junk has taken its toll. I just don’t have the motivation to lose it as my head isn’t focused and in the right place.
If only I could win the lottery (as everyone wishes I know) but then my financial worries would be put to bed and I wouldn’t have to work 12 hour days and only see my previous baby at weekend.
She’s asleep when I leave and asleep when I get home. An hour commute each way means I’m knackered when I get in.
I just wish DH would be a bit more proactive about finding work!
Oh, one last thing. I was due on 2 days ago. Can’t bring myself to test as I just don’t want another miscarriage.