Life with Beano

[Michimoo]

I’m now back home and Beano won’t let me leave her sight. Every time I walk out of the room she shouts for me. I feel even more awful about leaving her. I don’t want her to feel like I’ve abandoned her. I write a postcard on my last day in Australia and told her how much Mummy was missing her little miracle. If I have to go away with work again, I think I’ll keep this up so she can look back and know that I thought about her all the time.
I’m due to have my probabtion review next week but it’s now been postponed until 2 weeks time due to the CEO ‘s Mother passing away.
DH and I are speaking. He is a total bloke and has forgotten all about his episode and thinks everything’s normal. I on the other hand haven’t and I’m still quite angry about the whole thing. However right now my full focus is on Beano and giving her 3 weeks of total love. If I could sleep in her or with her I would.

On another note I have put on just over a stone. I’m the same weight I was when I carried Beano. Lonely nights in a hotel room drinking red wine and eating junk has taken its toll. I just don’t have the motivation to lose it as my head isn’t focused and in the right place.

If only I could win the lottery (as everyone wishes I know) but then my financial worries would be put to bed and I wouldn’t have to work 12 hour days and only see my previous baby at weekend.
She’s asleep when I leave and asleep when I get home. An hour commute each way means I’m knackered when I get in.
I just wish DH would be a bit more proactive about finding work!

Oh, one last thing. I was due on 2 days ago. Can’t bring myself to test as I just don’t want another miscarriage.

[FertilityFriends]

[Michimoo]

Yes I’m pregnant!! To be honest it still hasn’t sunk in. I’m in shock but also feeling extremely guilty. I’m feeling guilty for Beano. I don’t want her to ever think that she wasn’t enough. With my history of miscarriage I’m not getting excited. I’m just going to take each day as it comes. I’m starting clexane and GCSF and have ordered intralipids so I can get them in me at the weekend.
I’ve just gone back into robot mode again.

[Michimoo]

Well here I am again, waiting in the hospital with my fifth miscarriage. I’m waiting for an ERPC and low and behold I wonder what’s in the depths of my dressing down pocket? Is it a pen? It feels like a pen!
Nope, guess what it is?
Yup my pregnancy test with 2 lines on it.
Oh the irony!

[Michimoo]

Histology results confirmed not a molar pregnancy. However genetic results not back. I went alone again, despite Beano being at Nursery and DH sitting around at home!
Life is really throwing me some lemons right now and making me question a lot.
In my misery I’ve eaten my way to 2 stone heavier! I haven’t been this heavy since I was pregnant. I can feel my fifth chin growing and even typing this update is causing my neck to be quite sweaty with my chin meeting my neck and folding over!

How I’ll get this weight off I don’t know? One things for sure, the way I mentally feel and the loneliness in my relationship is making me want to eat chocolate and drink bottles of red wine continuously.
Somethings going to have to give at some point?

[Michimoo]

Back on BBC radio Berkshire in the morning at 10 am with the Coffee club. Hoping I can keep making people smile despite the angst inside my heart. The show must go on right?

[Michimoo]

The realisation that Beano is more than likely going to be an only child is starting to hit home. 5 miscarriages all due to chromosomal abnormalities is making me run out of time and options. DH won’t do PGS with IVF and at 41 I know my body won’t produce the numbers required. For some reason my body will only produce a small amount of eggs on a large does of Stims and these days we don’t have the money. It’s not like it used to be with the exchange rate. I don’t think I can keep bearing this disappointment.