* Author Topic: Life with Beano  (Read 4757 times)

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Offline Michimoo

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Life with Beano
« Reply #30 on: 3/02/18, 04:42 »
Iím now back home and Beano wonít let me leave her sight. Every time I walk out of the room she shouts for me. I feel even more awful about leaving her. I donít want her to feel like Iíve abandoned her. I write a postcard on my last day in Australia and told her how much Mummy was missing her little miracle. If I have to go away with work again, I think Iíll keep this up so she can look back and know that I thought about her all the time.
Iím due to have my probabtion review next week but itís now been postponed until 2 weeks time due to the CEO Ďs Mother passing away.
DH and I are speaking. He is a total bloke and has forgotten all about his episode and thinks everythingís normal. I on the other hand havenít and Iím still quite angry about the whole thing. However right now my full focus is on Beano and giving her 3 weeks of total love. If I could sleep in her or with her I would.

On another note I have put on just over a stone. Iím the same weight I was when I carried Beano. Lonely nights in a hotel room drinking red wine and eating junk has taken its toll. I just donít have the motivation to lose it as my head isnít focused and in the right place.

If only I could win the lottery (as everyone wishes I know) but then my financial worries would be put to bed and I wouldnít have to work 12 hour days and only see my previous baby at weekend.
Sheís asleep when I leave and asleep when I get home. An hour commute each way means Iím knackered when I get in.
I just wish DH would be a bit more proactive about finding work!

Oh, one last thing. I was due on 2 days ago. Canít bring myself to test as I just donít want another miscarriage.

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    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #31 on: 6/02/18, 19:28 »
    Yes Iím pregnant!! To be honest it still hasnít sunk in. Iím in shock but also feeling extremely guilty. Iím feeling guilty for Beano. I donít want her to ever think that she wasnít enough. With my history of miscarriage Iím not getting excited. Iím just going to take each day as it comes. Iím starting clexane and GCSF and have ordered intralipids so I can get them in me at the weekend.
    Iíve just gone back into robot mode again.

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #32 on: 27/02/18, 14:02 »
    Well here I am again, waiting in the hospital with my fifth miscarriage. Iím waiting for an ERPC and low and behold I wonder whatís in the depths of my dressing down pocket? Is it a pen? It feels like a pen!
    Nope, guess what it is?
    Yup my pregnancy test with 2 lines on it.
    Oh the irony!

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #33 on: 24/03/18, 22:15 »
    Histology results confirmed not a molar pregnancy. However genetic results not back. I went alone again, despite Beano being at Nursery and DH sitting around at home!
    Life is really throwing me some lemons right now and making me question a lot.
    In my misery Iíve eaten my way to 2 stone heavier! I havenít been this heavy since I was pregnant. I can feel my fifth chin growing and even typing this update is causing my neck to be quite sweaty with my chin meeting my neck and folding over!

    How Iíll get this weight off I donít know? One things for sure, the way I mentally feel and the loneliness in my relationship is making me want to eat chocolate and drink bottles of red wine continuously.
    Somethings going to have to give at some point?

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #34 on: 27/05/18, 23:52 »
    Back on BBC radio Berkshire in the morning at 10 am with the Coffee club. Hoping I can keep making people smile despite the angst inside my heart. The show must go on right?

    Offline Michimoo

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    Life with Beano
    « Reply #35 on: 30/05/18, 21:26 »
    The realisation that Beano is more than likely going to be an only child is starting to hit home. 5 miscarriages all due to chromosomal abnormalities is making me run out of time and options. DH wonít do PGS with IVF and at 41 I know my body wonít produce the numbers required. For some reason my body will only produce a small amount of eggs on a large does of Stims and these days we donít have the money. Itís not like it used to be with the exchange rate. I donít think I can keep bearing this disappointment.