Crossroads > End of the Road .............. Or Not?

I think it's end of the road for us but feeling ok

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Efi78:
Hi

After 4 IVFs, 1 termination for T21, two early miscarriages, two fibroid surgeries, one TESE, theray for pityitary tumor, numerous therapies for thrombophilia, high sperm DNA fragmentation and many more, feels like we have had enough.....I have now reached 40 and honestly I am not sure I want to be a mom anymore. The whole thing has become more like a winning game rather than the pursue to the parenthood dream.

Does anyone feel like this? Parenthood is great when kids come normally or even with some science intervention. But after all this ordeal I am not sure it is a good idea anymore. The whole thing has taken any joy away from us and it has been replaced by worry and fear.

At the moment I don't feel like having a baby anymore through IVF. I would like us to revive our sex life, let nature take it's course if it ever happens. Although I am not sure I want to have a baby that late in my life. We didn't even leave it late in our lives. We started early, we went to the do tor early, pursued many treatments, spent thousands of pounds. But I think that sometimes everything for a reason. Maybe God doesn't want us to have a child. Maybe there is a reason. So much heartache that honestly I have been completely put off. I am disappointed and sad at times but to be honest I think we are recovering fast from it and see the positives of not having children. Why not? And no. I don't want to adopt I don't want to do donor, i just want to live the rest of my life with my hubby and at this stage of my life I am not sure a child is welcome anymore. After all this we have been through I don't think Inwould have energy to nurture a child. A child is supposed to bring happiness but this longing fir a child had already been taken away from us. I literallt have 0 enthusiasm. If nature decides differently (wothin the next year. After that please no) then maybe it's ok.

We have one good frozen blasto frozen and two vials of TESE sperm. I will leave hem there until March 219 just in case but after that the end. It is too much heartache for two people that don't deserve it at all. Too much. Enough

Anyone else feeling similarly?

tealight:
Hi Efi,

Just wanted to reassure you that you are NOT alone.
We have a similar list, with hundreds of injections and scans and 5 miscarriages/chemical pregnancies to boot. I desperately want to draw a line under the constant misery but not sure quite how.

However, I just wanted to let you know that there are people out here that it has not been a success for but that I suspect your post is in  a tumbleweed corner  because FF is all about  'keeping up the fight/struggle/battle' (the warrior terminology is endless) and no one wants to consider the alternatives. So you feel a bit of a failure if you choose to stop. I know people on some forums encouraging others to leave husbands etc... to pursue their goal of having children.

The hardest part is accepting that after all of those injections, treatments, scans, egg collections, 2ww, financial, emotional toil, you have absolutely nothing to show for it all. But I read this quote about instances of throwing good money after bad (and gives lots of other similar examples) and it summed up  our journey so far. "Our narrating self would much prefer to continue suffering in the future, just so that it won't have to admit that our past suffering was devoid of all meaning".

So question is - can we draw a line under it and move forward?

Can't answer that yet but presumably other people have managed in the past.

Like you I'm not convinced about donor because firstly I can see it is no magic bullet and may mean yet another 5-6 treatments (or more to be successful and secondly I'm not sure what young people will make of it - having up to 10 half siblings particularly, but also not having access to medical/biological information etc...and defo I'm too traumatised to have another treatment in UK).

And I know full well that 'just adopt' is not a simple alternative. Have we got what it takes to therapeutically parent a traumatised child with potentially genetic/biological and developmental complications?

Like I said I don't have any answers but I'm glad you have a faith, that will help you find a way through I think, and I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Tealight x

 


 

Cloudy:
Itís a very difficult decision to make. I remember having a conversation a few years ago with a Fertility Dr and even she said ďthe problem these days with all the new research is that someone out there is always able to say Ďhave you tried XYZíĒ.

If you feel ready there is a section on here called ďMoving OnĒ where people who have made the decision to stop trying post. Itís obviously a lot quieter in these Crossroads areas, but there are other ladies who have stopped and still pop in and update us on how they are getting on. These sections are for people to explore how they feel about things, although in the Moving On section we do actively remove suggestions of ďhave you thought of XYZĒ as itís explicitly requested that people donít do that there.

I donít know if itís something you feel comfortable with, but lots of ladies who do decide to move on find Gateway women helpful: it welcomes women who are childless for all reasons (medical/choice/circumstance etc).

Iím very sorry for your losses and the pain and heartache that you have both experienced xxx

Efi78:
I think it largely is the "next time it might work" psycology. But as my husband said "isn't this the psycology of a gambler?". There is a point where you feel like you have to go back and play again until you win. And in the end you might lose it all. There is a point that it stops being longing for a child. It 's more like ticking a box or winning on something

Anyway. On a positive note we have started regaining our sexual life back which had taken a deep dive because of TESE, ICSI etc. I think at 40 and with severe male factor our chances with IVF are as low as conceving naturally. Actually naturally is more possible. In the lab you've got the embryologist trying to find the one-two euploid eggs and inject on that egg the right euploid sperm. it's a lottery

tealight:
Hi Cloudy
You are right.... The 'Have you tried.' Argument... Is very persuasive and makes it hard to draw a line under things and obviously technology is advancing all the time. Probably in 10 years all fertility issues may have answers but sadly it will be too late for us.
T.

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