Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8

[Lanee]

Where to begin... this has been an incredibly long journey so far but I’m hoping this cycle will finally be the one.

A short run down - shortly after getting married in 2009, we found out that DH has non-obstructive azoospermia and were devastated. DH spiralled into depression and denial and pursued “natural therapies” which of course didn’t change his situation. We had a long period thinking “age is on our side”, hopelessly wishing for a miracle, but before we knew it, I was 35 and he 37.

Finally, in January 2015, he agreed to do a micro-dissection TESE while I had IVF but sadly, it wasn’t to be and there were zero sperm found (sertoli cell only) and 5 eggs frozen for me. Spiral into another period of denial and inertia and before we knew it, it’s 2017!

After many months of soul searching and endless discussions, DH finally found the courage to ask someone he knows to be a donor and the counselling began. (Actually, we initially wanted to use unknown donors but as we progressed, it didn’t feel right.) 3 months quarantine and wow, time has flown by, I’m over 37 and finally, my cycle 2 begins ...no transfer, no frosties... cycle 3...no transfer, no frosties....cycle 4...no transfer,1 day 5 morula frozen, cycle 5...1 frozen blast! and transfer of the frozen morula from cycle 4, BFN and so here we are....

Had synarel for 15 days while waiting for AF (arrived super late at day 40) and now I’m on day 4 of stimms (Gonal F 300 + synarel) and can feel some twinges in my left ovary (my left side normally has more follicles) but also having hot flushes which I haven’t had before during stimms so feeling a little worried that something isn’t quite where it is supposed to be. Blood test tomorrow so fingers crossed that all is ok.

Things I’m doing to help ... I hope ...
- eating more protein (I’m normally more of a vegetables kinda person)
- ubiquinol 400mg (doctor’s advice)
- melatonin 3mg (doctor’s advice to try and improve egg quality)
- Omega 3
- Vitamin D3 2500 (Low vitamin D in blood test even with 1000 supplementation)
- vitamin C
- pre-natal multi
- acupuncture
- chicken essence (popular with Chinese ... it’s like concentrated chicken soup)

DH is also away this cycle and we have been arguing a lot on the phone. Hope things settle for us and this will be the one we have been waiting for!  Anyway, promise the posts will get shorter!

[FertilityFriends]

[Lanee]

Day 5 stimms - so it seems like I’m responding to the Gonal F ... had my blood test today and my E2 is higher than normal (1927pmol/L) but more worrying is my progesterone is high already (2.1nmol/L). Last cycle, I nearly didn’t manage to transfer because my progesterone rose too quickly and I only transferred because I had a frozen day 5 morula that we were able to transfer just 2 days after retrieval to try and “match” my progesterone levels.

Usually my progesterone is at these levels around day 10 of stimms but I’m only at day 5 so I have no idea what’s going on. I’m so worried ... hopefully this won’t be a cancelled cycle.

I’m also feeling so much more bloated and more twinges than usual (normally I feel nothing by day 5). Fingers crossed all my follies are growing well and behaving and that the hormones are not a sign of something not working well and them going into overdrive. Anyway, my doctor has asked me to reduce the dose of Gonal F from 300 to 275.

Have my next blood test & scan in 2 days so fingers crossed that everything will still be on track then and that I’m responding well.

By the way, I just want to justify my an*l-ness with my blood test numbers that I’m reporting  😭... Honestly, the first 4 cycles, I had no idea what all my hormone levels were and just followed instructions from the clinic. But by cycle 5, i felt like I needed to analyse my results myself (as well as summarise my treatment to share with another Dr for a second opinion). It was super enlightening to do (I have a whole crazy spreadsheet) and it made me feel a little more in control. At the same time ... it’s made me more worried & stressed this time around because I actually know that my hormone levels are completely different from the last 5 cycles! So, I’m not sure in hindsight whether it was such a good thing to do after all ... you know what they say... ignorance is blissssss 😂😂

[Lanee]

I’ve been a little crazy trawling doctor google about my blood test results so far! I think I’m obsessed!!! Must stop must stop must stop ..... it’s going to be a very long cycle if I keep this up! Need to actually get some work done too! 🙈😬 This has distracted me for hours now!

[Lanee]

Stimms Day 6

In the process of IVF that there is so much information out there and you have to choose what you are going to believe /not believe and how to interpret the data.

I read an interesting article about acupuncture on the weekend that says:

“A short course of acupuncture during in vitro fertilisation (IVF) makes no ‘significant difference’ to a woman’s chances of having a baby. The study, ‘Effect of acupuncture vs sham acupuncture on live births among women undergoing in vitro fertilization: A randomized clinical trial’, involved more than 800 women who underwent acupuncture treatment during their IVF cycle in 16 centres across Australia and New Zealand....What our result showed is that, for women who are doing a fresh IVF cycle, there was no difference in their live birth and clinical pregnancy rates”

This is a little different from other studies that have shown that acupuncture may help directly before and after the transfer but this latest study seems more comprehensive than other ones done in the past.

In any case, I’ve decided to continue with acupuncture and am having my 6th session today (for this cycle). I do believe that it takes time for your body to adjust so it may take longer than a quick short course of acupuncture to take effect (hence I’m taking the results of the study with a grain of salt 😅). I started acupuncture a few weeks ago and I do wonder if it is making my body respond differently this cycle. Not sure whether it is a good thing or bad thing yet but I feel more bloated than usual and I think I’m responding more to the Gonal F than in the past. Will update tomorrow post my follicle scan to see how things are going.

And to wrap it up for today .... a little TMI but I’m off to get a brazilian too before multiple people start seeing my hoo-haa for all the scans etc. 😭

[Lanee]

Stimms Day 8
What a crazy couple of days ... work has been super hectic and stressful and to make matters worse, yesterday I had to rush to the airport after work to get my red eye flight to Oz. I suppose I left out that I’m having my ICSI in Oz which is a long haul flight from where I live (just to make matters complicated... like it’s not stressful enough already 😅). Only managed to sleep 2h in total on the plane so hoping the lack of sleep won’t stall my follicles from growing.

Backtracking to yesterday... had my first scan for this cycle and I’m relieved to see there are indeed follicles ... 4 decent sized ones on my right side and 3 small ones + more than 10 on my left (but only 5 of them decent sized). This is more than I usually have at this stage (probably why I’m feeling more bloated than usual). So I’m quietly optimistic but having been through this a few times I know how much can go wrong. Once I had 10 eggs retrieved but only 2 were mature and another time 13 eggs retrieved but only 6 mature, 4 fertilised. So I know how quickly the numbers can dwindle for me.

In the meantime, hubby is with the donor finalising the last round of blood tests so his latest batch of samples can be released (post the 3 month quarantine). We had basically used up all the vials of sperm from the previous donation so had to ask our donor to do it again this year. Fingers crossed that we get the all clear.

Anyway, off to try and get some rest. Super hoping this cycle is the one! Looking forward to my next scan tomorrow to see how the follicles are growing.

[Lanee]

Stimms Day 9

I can’t believe this but tonight is my last night of Gonal F! Usually I have to inject for 11-12 days and last cycle, it was 15 days! So 9 days is super short for me. I don’t know whether it is a good thing or bad thing but I’m hoping I get a different outcome.

I have stimmed for 9 days before when I was on Menopur and had my worst result that time (10 retrieved, only 2 mature eggs). I’m not sure if it was the Menopur or because the stimm was short though. So I am feeling a little anxious and the poor nurse spent 20mins on the phone reassuring me that having my retrieval on Monday is the right thing to do. She was super sweet & patient though - so lucky to have a great nurse... she seriously must have thought I was annoyingly crazy  😜

In other news, DH went to get the blood test results for our donor yesterday so that the vials can be released from quarantine before I have the retrieval ... but the results are not ready yet! Eek! Hoping we can get them today and that there are no issues with the results. If there are, I don’t know what I will do!

Had acupuncture today and it really helped me to feel relaxed. But not long after, DH called and told me that the donor’s blood test results are not ready and I started feeling all anxious again. Fingers crossed it all works out ....

Trigger tomorrow! Feeling excited, hopeful but scared and anxious all at the same time. Please please please let everything go well this time!

[Lanee]

Trigger Day

Trigger done! Eek.. this cycle has been so quick I am feeling a little shocked and feeling anxious that my retrieval is on Monday.

And to make matters worse, all our donor results have not come in 😡 DH has been chasing and chasing the lab and each day they say that it will be ready tomorrow. Today was seriously the last day for it to come in and it hasn’t.

Luckily the fertility clinic has agreed to go ahead to fertilise the eggs with the sperm even though all the results are not in but it is risky and I really need the results before transfer next week. The latest update is that the results will be ready by next Wednesday but i just don’t believe them anymore. If they don’t come through by Wednesday I feel the cycle is screwed. I’m so frustrated about it and it’s making me feel upset and stressed which is not good for this cycle. I don’t know why all these issues keep happening to us. I feel like every step is super difficult ... more complicated than it should be ... is it a sign we shouldn’t go ahead with this?

Worse still it’s a public holiday in the donor’s country on Monday and Tuesday so we really won’t get the results before Wednesday. I so just want to scream! We have such bad timing and bad luck. I try not to think in a negative way but I really can’t help but feel that way.

A friend last night who is the same age as me told me she managed to get 18 eggs and 17 fertilised on her very first cycle! I’m really happy for her as she has been super open about wanting a baby but at the same time, I can’t help but feel that life is totally unfair and I don’t know why things are always so difficult for DH and I.

I really don’t want to deal with all this stress ... I know it’s not the end of the world if we can’t do the transfer ... we can always plan a FET but I have my heart set on doing a fresh transfer and I’ve booked my flights that way. I do also have a back up plan as we have one frozen embryo and I suppose I could ask if we can transfer that on day 5 instead if we don’t get the donor results in time.

It’s all just really frustrating and not what I want to think about. Having the retrieval earlier than expected also hasn’t helped with the timing of getting the donor results. I so so want this cycle to be the one. My OTD if everything goes to plan is the day DH returns from overseas and I just thought it would be so amazing to get a BFP on the same day he gets back after being away for over 2 months. I had told myself that it is a good sign that the days happen to match up so that he can be around for the good news. I supposed I’m getting ahead of myself since I don’t even know how many mature eggs will be retrieved on Monday.

Anyway ... off to do some deep breathing and try to relax!

[Lanee]

Well deep breathing didn’t work... I think I am mentally losing it!

I know this is completely unfair but at the same time, I completely blame DH for all of this. I feel like nothing we do is ever successful. I’m so tired of all the hoops we have to jump through. How everything he does seems to fail, how I’m the one who always seems to have to carry the burden and see things through. I feel like my marriage is falling apart and I’m saying things and doing things to make sure it does. Hurtful words come out of my mouth and I don’t care. I feel like I’m being a mean person.

I don’t know what to do but cycle 6 is taking a toll on me. The fact that DH didn’t manage to get the donor results today has absolutely made me go crazy. I’m frustrated and upset. I feel completely hopeless and out of sorts. Logically, I know it’s not the end of the world but my body and heart feels differently. I don’t feel relaxed at all and this is the worst I have felt in a long time. I hope all this stress doesn’t impact my eggs especially as I have triggered now and I feel it’s such a critical time.

I’m super upset that this news came right now. I felt like I had done a better job this cycle up until now. But now, I’m feeling super stressed and I am stressed that being stressed is going to ruin everything. I just want to scream!

I keep trying tell myself it’s not my husband’s fault the results didn’t come through but I still keep blaming him. I feel so angry with him. And I’m angry and sad that he is not here to support me. And the whole reason I let him travel was because he was going to ensure this blood test was done properly. Infertility is a crazy rollercoaster that rips people apart. 🤬😢

[Lanee]

Day before egg collection

Woke up feeling better and had a nice lunch with a friend today (who doesn’t know I’m going through IVF at the moment). It was a nice distraction. And really nice not to have to take any medication!

But now that I’m home, I am still feeling really worried about tomorrow. I’m not sure whether to go ahead with using the donor sperm from this year given we don’t have all the results yet. If something goes wrong with the results, I will have wasted the entire cycle and have to discard the embryos. But if I used his sperm from last year, they have all been re-frozen a second time so the quality is not very good (since we used up all the vials once already). And I have used a refrozen vial once before and didn’t have a good outcome (only a morula on day 5) even with digital high magnification looking for the best swimmers. And I remember the scientist said that it was hard to find any good ones.

One last option is to ask if I could fertilise half the eggs with the old sample and half with the new but I’m worried about wasting the eggs that will be fertilised with the old sample since I already know it’s not good quality. Sigh! I’m really caught between a rock and a hard place. I just wish the results had of come in at the right time. It took way longer than expected and way longer than last year. Really not sure if it is a sign 😥 I think I’m leaning towards taking the risk with the latest samples and hope the results all come through ok by next week.

This is so stressful. And my FS thinks that my hormones and my body are being more well behaved this cycle so I really wanted to do a fresh transfer and I am cautiously hopeful I will get better quality eggs this time (trying not to let myself hope too much though as I don’t want to be let down like I have so many times before in this journey).

Not sure if waking up tomorrow will bring more clarity but anyway, I’m off to get some rest - need to be at the clinic early tomorrow for the retrieval. Fingers crossed I get lots of mature eggs!

[Lanee]

Egg collection day

22 eggs retrieved!!! This is by far the most I’ve ever had (previously 13). I know it’s not about quantity and more about quality but all the same, happy to be starting with a higher number than in the past.

Fingers crossed lots of them are mature and fertilise.