* Author Topic: Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8  (Read 29694 times)

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Offline Lanee

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19 weeks + 2 days

I had a very eventful week this week. First of all, when I was exactly 19 weeks I started feeling the baby flop around in my tummy! The first time I was so surprised and laughed and later that day, I was in a meeting and could feel the baby moving - it seriously felt like a wet fish flopping around inside my belly. But super cool! I was so relieved as the previous day I had a really bad tummy ache and lost my appetite. I couldnít feel any of the previous ďscratchesĒ that I thought may be the baby moving so was getting worried. It was such a relief to feel the baby moving more heavily but also super weird!

Anyway, had my 20 week anomaly scan yesterday too and all I can say is my baby has a big head!!! 🤣🤣🤣 like seriously in the 98th percentile. Iím happy the baby is growing well - itís above average across the board but has a particularly big head which scares me when I think I have to push this baby out! Apart from that my placenta is lying low so hopefully it will move out of the way over time.

I suddenly have lost my appetite the past couple of days. I just feel really really full after I eat especially in the evenings. Probably a good thing in some respects as I was gaining too much weight too fast and seems like baby is gaining too. I canít believe Iím nearly half way through this pregnancy. Time is definitely flying by now that Iím past the first trimester.

Off to chill out and watch more newborn essential videos on YouTube 😂😅 Iíve been obsessed 😬!


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    Offline Lanee

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    19 weeks + 3 days

    I was just thinking to myself how for 10 years of marriage, Iíd be looking enviously at other womenís pregnancy bump or their cute little baby. I would always wonder if it was going to happen for me and I was getting slightly resigned to the fact that it might not.

    But now I have a very distinctive bump and after the apprehension of the first trimester, Iím truly enjoying being pregnant now. There is always worry in the back of my mind that something could go wrong but Iím so excited that Iíve gotten this far and am feeling fairly good. I love my bump and canít wait to meet the little piglet inside. DH talks to my belly most mornings and I can tell he is super excited too! We talk about baby all the time!

    The past couple of weeks Iíve been walking 3 times a week and doing yoga and pilates once each too. I hope this will keep me in good shape leading up to the birth and hope I can maintain this type of level of activity if my placenta behaves and moves up.

    I know the journey is not over for me yet until I have a healthy baby in my arms but I remember all the anxiety and sadness and hopelessness I would feel at times through the process and wanted to tell all of you ladies out there who are still trying... keep the faith! Keep trying different protocols and different things that might help. I really hope you all get to experience what Iím feeling now 🤗

    Offline Lanee

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    21 weeks + 3 days

    I just spent the last week in Oz and it was awesome - I ate so much delicious food that Iíve been missing (Aussie chocolate, burgers, hot chips, lebanese chicken, grapes, peaches ... yum yum!) and managed to gain 1 kg in less than a week 😅

    I also did a couple of hospital tours (Iíve decided on which hospital I want to go to which is one more thing off the list) and saw the OB just so I got to meet him before I fly back at 35weeks. He wasnít what I expected (less friendly than what all his reviews indicated and older than I thought) but Iím sure it will be fine.

    We tried to decide on our living arrangements too with my parents - we flip flopped a lot between what to do. At the moment the plan is to move in with them even though we were keen for them to move out when we move in to give ourselves more space. But it felt like we were kicking them out of their own place and that didnít feel great either.

    But now that we are thinking about it again, Iím really not sure if it will work because my mum is totally intense and likes to dish out 1 million pieces of unsolicited advice. Sheís also super sensitive so if we tell her not to say anything, she gets all upset. Classic example - this trip, she told me that when I burp the baby itís best to put a burp cloth on my shoulder (um.... duh!). And she keeps insisting that we do antenatal classes and wonít let it go. She just has a tendency to repeat something 1000 times and not let things go.

    I asked my best friend today what she did and she said it was amazing to have her parents stay with her for 6 weeks when she first had her baby. And her mum is usually pretty intense and we are similar in the sense that we both love to have our independence and own space.

    But I think DH is really unhappy with the arrangement so Iím feeling totally caught in the middle. I also donít want to spend a tonne of money to get an air bnb for my parents if they are just going there to sleep - then it kind of seems pointless. So Iím so stuck on what to do. DH really wants us to just figure it out on our own and have our own space. And he made a comment that he doesnít even know if he wants to be there anymore because my parents will be around which made me sad, angry and worried. He honestly is the ONLY person I really really really want to be there! I canít imagine it any other way and I know he doesnít really want to not be there but the fact he said that is worrisome.

    Nearly all my friends have had their mums stay with them for the first few weeks to help out or else they have hired a confinement nanny (in Asia, they have nannies that you can hire to stay with you 24/7 for the first month to look after both the new mum and baby). But DH has it in his mind that we are the only ones who are going to be doing it this way.

    And because I really want to ensure we start on the right foot and I donít get all frustrated and annoyed when Iím tired with my mum, I feel it might be better to ask them to move somewhere else. But Iím also conscious of their feelings - I really want them to enjoy being grandparents and I donít want them to feel like they are missing out or being pushed out.

    So Iím totally torn! We plan to stay in Oz for 4 months - 1 month before the baby is due (Iím totally fine to stay with them during this time) and then 3 months after the baby arrives (my parents plan to stay for 1 month and then travel to Asia for the other 2 months to help my brother as well as enable us to have the place to ourselves). So I already feel like Iíve made them leave for 2 months.

    Well, if anyone has advice for how your experience was during the first month of having a baby, please feel free to let me know!!! Hoping over the next few weeks I can figure this out.

    On a positive note, Iíve been feeling the baby move a lot more now and Iím loving it - on the flight home yesterday baby was flopping around in there a lot. It mainly happens after Iíve eaten and last week DH managed to feel it too with his hand - so cool!!! Keep growing little one!!!

    Offline Lanee

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    24 weeks + 4 days

    Time is flying by and now Iím truly enjoying being pregnant. I can feel the little one moving around regularly and I feel like itís a strong little one. Itís not super active, but I love feeling the flops around each day especially after I eat. DH is able to feel little baby flip in my belly, since about 20 weeks but now a lot more strongly and regularly. Itís fun and strange to watch my belly move from the outside.

    The last 4 weeks Iíve felt like eating junk food every day so Iíve gained quite a bit of weight - around 1kg or more each week which is a little crazy. Trying to get it back under control this week as if I continue at this trajectory, Iíll definitely gain more than is recommended. But on the exercise front, Iíve been really consistent ...walking 30mins most days and doing yoga once a week. I love my yoga instructor - she is super positive and has a great vibe.

    On the downside, I do feel like Iím getting really big considering how far along I am. So itís starting to get uncomfortable to sleep (I wake up 2-3 times a night) and bend over to put my shoes on. And feeling some upper back pain too. So am going to start swimming in hope that it will help. I had one evening where I got super emotional for no reason - just started crying thinking about how happy we are to finally be at this stage 😌 Apart from that, the pregnancy has been treating me well.

    Had my check up last week with the doctor and all is looking ok - the placenta is still a little low but not covering my cervix so the doctor is hopeful it will move up further. The head circumference is measuring a couple days behind which is reassuring that itís not so big like it was at the 19 week scan but this babyís thigh bones are measuring long! Nearly 1.5weeks ahead and itís belly circumference is also ahead (probably from me eating so much! Hahaha!)

    On the work front, things are really up in the air - it seems likely that I may lose my job as our company is going through a major ďtransformationĒ. The positive note is that Iím not working very hard right now as a result and luckily have the baby to focus on. Iíve spent a bit of time thinking through the worst case scenario which is if I lose my job ... the upside is that I would get my long term incentives paid out and they would still need to pay me my maternity leave. But on the downside, I think it would be stressful to be on maternity leave without a job at the end of it and I really want to enjoy the baby. The scenario I havenít thought through is if they offer to a downgraded role - this would mean, I wouldnít get any sort of redundancy package but at least I wouldnít have to job hunt on my maternity leave and would still have a decent job.

    So work is definitely adding a layer of complexity as I donít even want to buy any baby stuff here just in case I need to pack up and head back to Oz. Thereís an update announcement next week and then apparently the new org structure will be clear in May so I guess I just need to sit tight for now and take it as it comes.

    Anyway, feeling a little sleepy today so off to get some rest.

    Offline Lanee

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    28 weeks + 3

    Woot! Officially in the 3rd trimester! The second trimester has gone by really quickly and overall I have been feeling good. Been consistently walking nearly every day, swimming once a week and yoga once a week too. I had a few weeks there where I ate a lot and had a weight gain spurt 😅 Iíve gained 9kgs so far but Iím trying not to binge as much now and last week it plateaued a little.

    But lately itís getting harder to sleep - this little one is wriggling around a lot and this morning decided to have a party at 5am for about 30mins. I love love love feeling the baby move - itís a constant reminder that there is a little human is inside. And his/her movements are so strong - DH loves talking to my bump and feeling the movements from the outside. I think the little one loves sweet food (just like me!) as every time I eat chocolate or ice-cream or brownies, he goes ballistic with moving around.

    Work wise things are still super uncertain - we are supposed to know by the end of May whether we will still have jobs. Iím anxious to find out and figure out my next steps. Itís really really hard to stay motivated at work even though my boss is still pushing us to keep going. We just donít even know if we will have jobs and with the baby distracting me and knowing I wrap up work in July makes me not want to do anything.

    We are finally going on our babymoon next week! Iím looking forward to chilling out for a few days with DH as he has been super busy with his friends and travelling.

    We had our 28 week check up a couple of days ago and opted not to do a scan. So not sure how heavy the little one is but the OB said my belly is measuring the right size and we heard the heart beat. We are meant to go back in 1 months time but Iím thinking to push it out to 6 weeks which would be final check up here before we fly back to Oz! So crazy - itís going to feel so real arriving back in Oz!

    We havenít been buying much baby stuff but Iíve been a little Asian crazy and collected lots of free nappies and we were lucky enough to get a free cot and change table. Itís getting super exciting!!! I really canít wait to meet this baby. I still have lots of anxiety and am just hoping that we have a healthy baby and healthy delivery. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

    Letís see how things pan out in the next month with work ....

    Offline Lanee

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    32 weeks + 5

    Wow, time has flown by! We had a really really lovely babymoon at the beginning of May (28-29weeks pregnant) ...spent mainly relaxing in the pool and poolside. Iím so glad we went along even though at times I was apprehensive about eating out as I didnít want to get food poisoning. But in the end, managed to have a fun and safe trip and it was so nice to take time away from work and bond with DH.

    Then it was time for my birthday! Hubby took me out for lunch at Shake Shack 🤣 which is what I really wanted so that was lovely. I canít believe Iím 39! Feeling so old to be a first time mum but at the same time I feel so young at heart. But am grateful that we are going to have a baby no matter what the age.

    My closest friend from the UK arrived the day after my birthday for a holiday so I then had a busy week catching up with her and eating lots. I suddenly started to get more swelling in my feet that week (30-31weeks) but overall was still generally ok and fairly mobile.

    The night before she left, I found out that the next day we would be told about our jobs at work and all this waiting to see what was going to happen and whether I might lose my job suddenly hit me. I couldnít focus at dinner with my friends and just burst into tears at one stage so had to quickly go to the toilet to calm myself down. DH was so supportive and lovely (even though he did have a small hiccup when he asked me if I was just trying to prep him for the first but not really at risk of losing my job 😳 which made me so annoyed as I felt like he thought I was making a big fuss over nothing.)

    Anyway, I managed to speak with 2 of my previous bosses in the company and both gave me some great tips for handling the meeting the next day so at least I felt more prepared and calm after that. The next morning, I then walked into a video conference with my US based boss and the HR person. I managed to hold it together though the entire meeting and all the way home as I left straight after. Basically, they told me my job had been eliminated and then offered me a crappy role in a lower position. I was home by 10am and then it really hit me.

    Every time I thought about the baby, Iíd just burst into tears as I felt like I had somehow failed the baby by losing my job. I felt so sad and horrible as it just means that maybe I canít do as much as I had wantfor the baby as we would have less money if I took the more junior role. It also felt like a slap in the face as Iíve been in my position for 2.5yrs successfully yet now they are offering me a really crappy role. My other option is to take the package/payout ... which is OK but my biggest concern is that I felt I had worked so hard and really earned my maternity leave. I want to enjoy it without worrying about having to look for a job.

    DH was super sweet that day and took me out shopping to distract me and gave me lots of hugs and love. Iíd tear up out of the blue especially when I would apologise to the baby for this unfortunate turn of events. Thatís what upset me the most. That Iíd worked so hard all these years and finally I wanted to enjoy that with the baby yet it was all being taken away from me.

    So over the past week, Iíve been mulling over my options and Iím definitely going for the job security by staying with the company. At the same time, a new opportunity has arisen within the company that I hope might work out for me at the same job level I am today. The downside of this job is there is apparently tonnes of travel (1-2 weeks a month and I donít think I want to be away from baby when I get back to work).

    So itís been a tough past week and a half and will still be for the rest of this week until I finally get my job sorted out. Lots of emotional ups and downs. Fingers crossed it all works out for the best. Iím flying back to Oz to give birth in exactly 2 weeks time so the clock is ticking.

    Anyway, trying to stay positive and relaxed given the circumstances.

    Meanwhile, omg.. colostrum just came out of my nipples! Wow! (Sorry TMI but it literally just happened right now) Baby is so close to arriving .... yet at the same time so far away as I am feeling HUGE and itís getting really hard and tiring to do anything. I still love being pregnant and my big bump - my belly feels so tight and hard and I love feeling the baby move - my entire belly moves from side to side. I just hope everything is ok for me to fly back home in 2 weeks time. Fingers crossed! Check up is this Thursday so Iíll know after that.

    Offline Lanee

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    34 weeks + 6

    Yay! We made it back to Oz last night. The little one flipped around in my belly the entire flight home - it was crazy but fun and exciting! It was such a great feeling to land safely and think to ourselves ... this is what we have been dreaming of! Having a baby together and making it back to Oz safer was a major step closer. And we were super lucky to be upgraded to premium economy which definitely helped with my ginormous belly 😅.

    The past 2 weeks have been crazy though. We had our final appointment before we flew and opted not to scan the baby again so I canít wait for tomorrow when I see the doctor here in Oz and we will go ahead with a scan. Hopefully the baby has been growing well and healthily inside.

    And, the big news is my job situation worked out in the end and I still have a job at the same level that I have been at (but working on a different brand). It was such an anxious wait to see how it would play out and while Iím nervous about the role, now I donít need to worry until Iím back in December and can fully enjoy maternity leave. Iím super grateful and thankful for it working out - it really required a lot of luck (someone else had to reject the role so that it became open for me).  And in a way, it feels like being promoted all over again as I had mentally accepted that I might need to take a lower level position with less pay. It is such a freeing feeling to keep the same salary and Iíve been thinking about how I can treat the baby to whatever I want to buy now. 😅

    In fact, first day back in Oz and Iíve already been shopping at Bondís. They have the cutest little tracksuit pants and jacket that will be perfect for the colder weather. I love love love looking at all the tiny clothes and I canít wait to know if it is a boy/girl so we can buy more. Aside from that, we have also been gobbling our favourite food - been for a delicious burger and had some Tim Tams last night. Itís great to be back! Super excited that itís getting so real now to meet this baby soon! (Although at the same time, I love feeling the baby flip around and donít want that to end).

    Anyway, major pregnancy symptoms in the last week have been swelling in my fingers which have made them really sore - itís hard to bend them or make a fist. And, sadly, incontinence suddenly hit me last week. I guess I didnít do enough pelvic floor exercises and nor am I consistent. So now, when I pee, after I stand up for a while, I get more pee leaking out - itís the worst. So trying to be more diligent with the pelvic floor exercises now. Fingers crossed it will help.

    Canít wait for the check up tomorrow ... keen to find out how big the baby has gotten!

    Offline Lanee

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    35weeks + 3 days

    Iím totally enjoying being back in Oz - itís such a comforting feeling to know Iím safely back here and if labour happens to start early, Iím here where I need to be.

    Iím also thoroughly enjoying the food here - one thing I have noticed is we eat a lot more sugary and fatty food. And tend to have larger portion sizes than in Asia. So Iím sure Iím gaining too much weight but have stopped weighing myself daily so am just enjoying it instead 😅.

    The baby is measuring on track for all measurements with the exception of the head circumference being 5 days ahead 😅 eeep eeep eep! definitely worried about pushing my big headed baby out but nothing much I can do about it to make it smaller so trying not to think too much about it. The estimated weight at 35 weeks exactly when I had the scan was 2.6kg.

    He/she is definitely getting bigger and heavier in there as I can feel the movements inside much more strongly. I have mixed emotions as I head into the final 4 weeks. Itís an absolutely amazing feeling when the baby moves inside and Iíve enjoyed the pregnancy for the most part so Iím sad in a way that before long I wonít be able to feel those rolls, kicks and baby hiccups inside. At the same time, Iím super excited to meet the baby face to face. 

    Anyway, trying to keep up the walking each day to stay mobile and trying my best to enjoy every day! 4 weeks and 3 days to go (assuming the baby arrives exactly at 40 weeks 😅)

    Offline Lanee

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    36 weeks + 5 days

    We have had a productive week this week. We had a detailed scan at exactly 36 weeks and the baby is looking good - still has a slightly bigger head, but really short legs (2 weeks behind) but generally is average weight and size. Which is actually a relief as all my scans to date have been indicating a really big baby! Also relieved that the low lying placenta has moved out of the way and the umbilical cord looks ok.

    We also did the hospital tour so that DH knows where to go on the big day and we have sorted out the baby bassinet and bath tub - the last remaining big items we had to organise to ensure baby had somewhere to sleep etc. 

    Despite all the great progress, I canít shake this anxious feeling I keep getting randomly. Iíll suddenly feel really uncomfortable in my chest and just a weird feeling that I figured out is from anxiety. Iím definitely excited about meeting the baby but I just feel nervous and anxious. I worry about the baby being healthy and the birth going smoothly, I worry about how our relationship will be after baby arrives and I worry about how I will be and cope once the baby arrives. Itís getting so close to baby appearing Iím sad that the pregnancy is coming to an end because I have really enjoyed it and Iím feeling like Iím not ready to move on to the next phase. Itís such a weird feeling - of course I canít wait to have the baby and meet him/her but at the same time, the big unknown completely scares me. Itís like I will lose control once the baby is out. Itís so hard to explain though as itís not like I have specific things Iím worried about - itís a general feeling. For example, I worry about the health of the baby, but yet I know from the scan the baby is fine. I think Iím worried about giving birth yet I feel like Iím open minded/mentally prepared for whatever will happen (c-section, epidural etc...). Iím worried about the next phase of our life yet I canít wait for the baby to arrive. Itís just total contradictions and I canít figure out how to get rid of this anxious feeling.

    Anyway my belly is huge especially as we continue to eat a tonne in Oz with the great fresh produce and my favourite junk food here. Iíve given up weighing myself and just trying to enjoy these final weeks but I am getting big and uncomfortable. Hope the upcoming weeks continue to pass by smoothly...

    Offline Lanee

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    37 weeks + 1 day

    Iíve been feeling anxious leading up to the end of the pregnancy ... the baby is doing well but actually slightly behind in terms of growth now. And Iíve had my first case of strong mummy guilt. Baby has a short femur, measuring 2 weeks behind and after some googling, I realised it could be because I havenít had enough calcium and protein. Especially the past 2 weeks as Iíve been eating not very nutritious foods (mainly chocolate and chips). That might also be the reason why Iíve been craving chocolate milk the past couple of days. Anyway, not much I can do about it now and DH told me to stop worrying about it so Iím trying to let it go.

    Had a lovely lunch with ex-colleagues today and they were so kind to give me a bunch of free baby products. They kept describing me as being so ďcompactĒ with the baby bump. Iím still loving my bump and seriously canít believe in a couple of weeks baby will be on the outside. I think thatís what is making me feel so anxious. I will miss feeling this baby wiggling around inside. I just love it and DH also regularly feels my belly which I love.

    But I just re-read my diary tonight and it was so nice to put this journey in perspective. It made me realise that I just need to appreciate every day. We have come such a long way from the stress and anxiety of the IVF cycles. So even though Iím getting a little more uncomfortable with my big belly, I need to enjoy these last few weeks with the little one inside. And I need to come to terms with the next stage of our lives and accept it in order to let this anxiety go.

    I love you baby and I love feeling you inside me. You have been so good to me with the easiest pregnancy experience especially in the 2nd and third trimesters. You have been so strong and I hope you stay healthy.

    Soon we are going to meet each other face to face and I will do my very best to look after you. I know we are both scared to move to the next step but itís normal and we have so many people who will help us and support us. Papa in particular canít wait to carry you and kiss your skin. He is so excited and loves you so much already.

    I hope I will be able to make all the right and best decisions for you (Iím still torn about the cord blood collection). I really want to see you grow healthy and strong and have the best of everything.

    We have prepared your bassinet and all your things so you can arrive anytime. But itís totally ok to stay a few more weeks inside until you are fully ready. Mama needs time too to mentally be ready as I just love carrying you and growing you inside me so much and I love having you all to myself!

    Donít be scared my little one - we will be OK through the birth and we canít wait to see you grow. ❤️