* Author Topic: Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8  (Read 29880 times)

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Offline Lanee

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37 weeks + 2 days

Iím so going to miss my bump and feeling baby inside. I think Iíve been extra hormonal and part of my anxiety is not anxiety but feeling a little sad that the pregnancy is coming to an end. All during the infertility process I always told myself that I never really cared if I was pregnant or not - so I was really open to adoption. But DH has always wanted to see my pregnant.

Now that Iíve been pregnant, I canít imagine it any other way. I have loved it so much. I feel great, I love the way my body looks and how my belly feels hard. I love the way the baby moves inside and the way DH touches my belly. I love having the baby all to myself and keeping it safe inside. So Iím feeling sad that itís coming to an end.

Of course, rationally I know it has to and I keep telling the baby it had to end or else itís not healthy for either of us.  But I canít help feeling hormonal about it and even had a little cry tonight. I think Iím mourning this stage of our life and feeling nervous about the next stage. Itís hard to shake this feeling especially as Iím not super busy in Oz so I am not managing to stay distracted for most of the day.

I must do a better job of focusing on other things rather than thinking baby 24/7!!


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    Offline Lanee

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    38 weeks!

    My emotions are all over the place at the moment. Iím so grateful and feel so lucky after trying to conceive for so long to get to this point. I feel so scared about the upcoming changes in my life even though this is what we have wanted for the longest time. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop 😨. This morning I nearly cried because I hadnít felt the baby move all night and got so worked up about it.

    The anxiety is constantly there...I know I should be excited but I just feel anxious and nervous - but I canít pinpoint why Iím anxious and nervous. I donít think itís the birth process that Iím worried about. I am worried about just the unknown. Yet I know we will be fine ... we will get through it no matter what. Itís just such a bizarre feeling that I canít shake.

    Iíve been procrastinating and havenít packed my hospital bag yet. And even for the hypnobirthing course I subscribed to and the book I bought about birth skills, I havenít been motivated to complete either. I donít know what is going on with me ... just feeling a bit flat.

    Originally, we had hoped that the baby would arrive early and had randomly picked 7th July as the date ... but with 4 days to go till that date, Iím not ready! Now Iím hoping maybe itís a special due date baby and comes on 17th July. 😅 At the same time, itís getting hard to move around and do things so maybe 10th July or 12th July is a better date to hope for! Haha .. as if I can control what date it will be 😅

    Anyway, itís so weird to be in this position. I donít want to sound ungrateful .. 1 year ago, being here was just a hope and a dream. So I know I need to make the best of every moment and just enjoy every single day!

    Offline Lanee

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    38weeks + 4 days

    Iím feeling excited this evening about meeting the baby soon. 3 of my work colleagues have all given birth this week and thatís making me excited to want to meet my baby too. Iím having more Braxton Hicks contractions now. They donít hurt at all but I notice my belly has been getting rock hard throughout the day regularly. Honestly, I thought it was just the baby balling up until I googled it!

    The last couple of nights itís been harder and harder to sleep too and I think this if finally helping me to get to a mental state where I am ready to give birth (vs enjoying the bump). I still love feeling the baby move inside but a bad case of reflux at 5am last night and itchy skin that wakes me up are making it hard to sleep so I canít imagine going past my due date and having to put up with this.

    We are pretty much all set with baby stuff and just need to have the car seat installed tomorrow and then weíre all done. My hospital bags are half packed ... but I should be able to throw in the final items on the day.

    I donít feel like baby is arriving in the next couple of days though as I can still feel it kicking up high. Hope baby drops soon and that I give birth some time during the 39th week!

    Baby, we are ready for you!! We love you so much already and canít wait to see you!

    Offline Lanee

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    9 days old :)

    Wow the past week has flown by! Baby has arrived and itís been a tough, tiring but an exciting and happy week.

    So some of my family kept joking about the baby arriving on 7/11 and I was so hoping that wouldnít happen. I had a check up scheduled on the 12th and it felt like the baby was still not ready to come out. I had been getting Braxton Hicks but not regularly... probably a little more in the evenings but I felt perfectly comfortable and I didnít feel like the baby had engaged yet so was looking forward to the check up to see the scans one last time.

    I told DH that from that night we needed to have sex every night to try and encourage the baby as I was so worried about going overdue. He was happy to oblige 😅 but not long after, I felt what I thought was a Braxton Hicks contraction. I went to the toilet at 2.18am and there was some bright red blood so I immediately called the hospital and she said it could be very normal after sex this late into the pregnancy.

    Not long after though (at 2.30am), I started getting contractions that were stronger. They immediately lasted 30s to 1min 30s and were between 5mins and 2-3mins apart. By 3.30am I called the midwives again to let them know the contractions had begun. Even though the app I was using had already indicated I was in established labour, I had read so many stories about how first time babies take a long time and so I didnít think it was possible to happen within 1h. I downplayed the contractions on the call and the midwife asked me to stay home longer and get in the shower or bath to help.

    But as soon as I hung up, I regretted downplaying it as the contractions only got stronger to the point where I couldnít move. The thought of a shower just repulsed me. I hung on for another 30mins and was worried if I waited any longer, I wouldnít be able to move from where I was to get to the hospital. So I called again and was told to head into the hospital.

    I quickly woke up DH who groggily packed the last items into our bag. This was not how I imagined it would all happen. I was expecting to be able to get a photo together as we left for the last time as a couple! But I was in too much pain.

    The 30min car ride was the worst - I shut my eyes and ahhhíed and banged some stress balls. I tried to hold on to the hypnobirthing breathing but it was tough. The contractions were taking place every 2 minutes.

    We finally got to the birthing room around 5am and I immediately asked for an epidural. They got me on the gas and it helped to take the edge off slightly... though I found by the time the gas kicked in, the contraction was over. The midwife decided to check me and said I was 5-6cm dilated already! I was shocked. I had read so many stories about people being sent home or only being 1-2cm. I looked to DH and asked him if I should just go all the way without the epidural but the midwives (thank goodness) said ďno need to be a hero, just get the epiduralĒ and Iím so grateful I did!

    It took ages for the anaesthetist to arrive and DH tried his best to massage me gently. At one point I suggested he massage me harder but as soon as he did, it felt like the contraction intensified and I yelled ďno, not harderĒ which was something we chuckle about now. Finally, this older absent minded seeming anaesthetist arrived (according to the bill he sent me, he arrived at 5.45am). The midwife announced that it was urgent to attend to me as I was now 8cm dilated! I felt like he had never dealt with a woman in labour before. He kept asking me to respond in the middle of a contraction when all I could do was breathe. He placed the needle in and did nothing to give me any confidence in him. First he told me that the epidural might not take effect before I gave birth 😱. Then he mentioned there was some blood coming back out which meant he may need to redo the needle. And honestly I was worried! I told him just to redo it if needed but after what seemed like forever, he said he felt like it would be ok to proceed as the blood had stopped coming out.

    After some time, we waited for the anaesthetic to take effect and he did an ice test. The only problem was I could feel the ice every where he put it which made me worried it wasnít working! But I did feel like the pain was gradually moving lower down and eventually it was great that I could not feel the contractions. My left leg was heavy but my right leg was still in action but luckily I could no longer feel any pain.

    The midwives then suggested DH move our car (which we had parked at emergency) as it was coming around to 6.30am. I was worried given how quickly I had progressed that he would miss the birth but they reassured me that it would be fine. So off he went and a few minutes later, my OB arrived. He checked me and next thing I knew, he asked me to start pushing!!! I panicked and he asked where DH was & asked me to call him! 😱 I was thinking omg.. this baby is coming any minute now! 

    Luckily DH arrived a few minutes later and the pushing began.  I felt like I wasnít pushing in the right place and the baby was stuck. After trying for a while, the OB asked for some oxytocin to be added to strengthen the contractions. By the time I had been pushing for an hour, he told me he wanted to give me some help with a vacuum. At that point I just trusted everything he wanted and as soon as the vacuum was on, I could feel a big difference with every push. Eventually I felt a big bulge down there and I said ďit feels
    like there is something really big between my legs!Ē Which made everyone laugh because it was obviously the babyís head. I breathed through it slowly and in control and gradually the babyís head emerged! It was pretty amazing and I touched his head between my legs!

    With the next contraction, the rest of the baby appeared and they held him up and said see! I couldnít tell if it was a boy or girl until DH told me itís a boy and I was anxiously waiting for him to cry. They put him on my chest and finally after they massaged him once, he started wailing to my relief. I was so overwhelmed and shocked, I felt like I didnít feel anything. I was happy but wasnít in tears like I expected I might be. DH then cut the umbilical cord and we were given plenty of time for skin to skin.

    It was fantastic! The midwife showed me the placenta which was amazing and DH took a little piece of the cord with him. After a couple of hours, baby was weighed and measured and we moved down to our room.

    It was an overwhelming experience and it wasnít until the next day when I had some alone skin to skin time with the baby that I felt a strong emotional connection with him.

    After the past 9 months, it has been such a joyful experience - Iíve loved nearly every minute of it and I think going through all the rounds of IVF have helped me to appreciate every day and moment that little bit more.

    We are looking forward to making an appointment with our IVF specialist next month to not only say thank you but to also plan for #2! 😅 I donít want us to get ahead of ourselves and I know that may not happen but we wanted to have the conversation anyway given we have 2 frozen embryos that have tested genetically normal.

    Anyway, back to being a mum! (I still canít believe it sometimes but trying to take it all day by day).

    Offline Lanee

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    9 months old + 1 week (19 April)

    Wow, canít believe how fast 9 months has flown by and now we are in these crazy COVID times. And maybe because of that, our plans to try for #2 are top of mind for me right now.

    We had originally wanted to start trying for #2 asap (well hubby did anyway) but having gone back to my FS when baby was 3 months old (so that she could meet him), she advised that I should wait until baby was at least 6 months, stop breastfeeding and then wait for one cycle of my period before coming back for a FET. At that point in time we discussed aiming for March 2020.

    But I love breastfeeding and baby does too so when January came around (ie when baby was 6 months old), I couldnít bear to stop. I also became increasingly worried that it would be too soon to try and it would increase my risks for potential problems if we were lucky enough to be successful for #2. AND, I thought if we werenít successful, I would be super sad that I had stopped feeding him so early. I was also worried about my job and falling pregnant again so soon as I was traveling overseas 2x/month and we were doing it as a family so that I could continue to feed him (and costing a bomb to fly hubby and baby on every trip).

    But last month my period came back and now he is starting to feed less during the day as he eats more solids and trying for #2 has become more and more top of mind.

    10months old + 2 weeks (25 May)
    So this is what happens when you have a baby 😅 itís hard to write an entry without being interrupted.

    Anyway, I just spent some time reading my old diary entries and just thought Iím so glad I captured my emotions and journey throughout because itís easy to forget what we really really went through now. Iíve been yearning more and more for baby #2 over the past month so was reading back at what quality snow babies I had and that scary feeling of a cycle not being successful came back all over again.  Itís funny because when I didnít have baby #1, Iíd read about how someone else was trying for #2 and think ... oh well, at least they have #1... itís not like the stakes are as high. And in some ways that is true and very rational. But at the same time, I canít explain but when you really start wanting #2, itís just that same feeling all over again. And there are so many memories from the previous experience, itís just hard to explain the emotions that come with thinking about trying again. I know if youíre still trying for #1 it must sound like I am a crazy ungrateful person and just wanting too much but I guess emotions are just sometimes uncontrollable even if you know rationally they shouldnít be that way. So please know ... I know how hard and horrible it is when you donít know whether #1 is even going to happen - BUT, I found this such a great help for me mentally to do last time around so I hope to continue capturing my journey here.

    So.... Iím frustrated that COVID is throwing a complete spanner in the works for my plans but at the same time, I think it means that I will be able to breastfeed until baby B turns 1 which is great. I donít even know how Iím going to wean him off coz he just loves the boob so much and I honestly never thought Iíd enjoy breastfeeding this much. Especially when I first started out, I was literally in tears during week 2 when it was so painful and exhausting feeding baby B every 2 hours.

    Anyway, I digress ...so I was reading about my snow babies and thinking ... oh gosh, will I be successful? Am I too old? Should I do a full ICSI cycle? All those consuming thoughts about having a baby and doing IVF are back. My period is not back on a regular cycle yet so I really need to think about weaning baby B a little more. Iím just trying to figure out when I might be able to head back to Oz and work backwards from there and ensure I commit for 3 months to really being healthy and preparing my body again. My head is whirring again with all these thoughts. And Iím just as scared this time around that it may not happen for us.

    Hubby keeps reminding me that we have a cheeky, very active, very awake and demanding little one so even if it doesnít happen, itís ok ... but I so want a sibling for him. And I know DH really does too ... in fact he is back to his old self of hoping for twins 🙄

    Anyway - i really know I should be super grateful for all that we have. There were many times over the past 10months where I have been in tears - so tired and overwhelmed with being the main breadwinner and juggling a baby who doesnít sleep much and definitely knowing I could not take more on. There have been many fights with DH as cultural clashes have come to the fore and different upbringings, values and grandparent advice have led to many a disagreement. But, Iím also loving my life and feeling content. IĎm feeling like we are starting to find our groove (perhaps a blessing of Covid that we are stuck at home and DH canít travel). And with all of that, that desire of #2 wonít go away.

    Anyway - sorry this is the worst rambling - better sleep!

    Offline Lanee

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    Baby: 4 days shy of 11 months

    Soooo we have a semi-plan now ... we are going to head back to Oz in September to try again for #2! OMG! I am so excited and apprehensive - it was so nice for nearly 2 years not to think about IVF/ICSI and suddenly I'm thrown into this again. And I'm trying to remember all the things I learnt about improving my chances, and what vitamins to take etc... So as of today, I am back on pre-natal vitamins and need to figure out what else to add to my regimen  ::)

    So instead of doing some really important work I need to do ... I spent my entire evening (after baby went to bed) reading about FET. I've never done one before so it's all new to me and in some ways more daunting! I feel like we always travel the toughest road to get whatever we want so that makes me super nervous that I'm going to get my hopes up about #2 and it's not going to happen. I can't believe the emotional roller-coaster is about to start again. I really wasn't expecting it and was thinking there would be less emotions invested when you try for #2 but nope .... just the same ... or 95% the same ... just have to keep reminding myself that just 2 years ago, I didn't even think I'd be at this point and was still hoping for #1.

    Well, best be off to bed - need to get cracking on work tomorrow morning instead!

    Offline Lanee

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    1 week shy of 1 year! Omg can't believe the LO is turning 1 in just 9 days!

    Quick update - we are now in quarantine in Oz as we decided with all this COVID craziness and not knowing how things will change and given I'm working from home anyway ... it makes sense to just get to wherever we want to be before borders get shut down again etc... So here we are .. day 6 of quarantine, in a lovely 1 bedroom apartment, with luckily an outdoor space and 3 meals a day delivered to our door ... honestly, there are no complaints here!

    And suddenly, our timeline for trying for #2 has moved up. We had a consult with our FS yesterday (on zoom) and because AF has come back 4 times already for me post giving birth, I was hoping she would say it's ok to continue to breastfeed while trying for #2. But unfortunately, she has told me I have to wean baby off. Honestly I thought I would bf for just 6 months and be done but I love the bonding time and the LO seems to just love the boob  ::) so it won't be easy to wean him off at all. He still feeds 6-8 times a day, I'm sure often for comfort as a lot of the times it is through the night and I don't love the idea of forcing him to stop. So am still unsure what I'm going to do as I have read a few ladies have had success while continuing to feed (but at the same time of course I don't want that to impact our chances).

    Apart from that, the FS has asked me to get an ultrasound and blood tests completed just to make sure everything is A-OK before we start the next cycle. Unfortunately, because I'm stuck in quarantine and can't get the u/s done right now, I have to wait for my next cycle so I can do it at the right time of the month. So it looks like it will be 2 months before we can try again. I know this is still earlier than the September timeframe I initially had in mind but as soon as we decided to fly back to Oz end June, I had hoped that we could try straight away in July. So am a little disappointed about the 1 month's delay. I know it doesn't seem long in the scheme of things and I'm probably crazy but i just hoped if all went well, we would be successful first time around and baby #2 could arrive before I turn 41 [/size][/font] ^idiot^  Such a stupid arbitrary timeline in my mind and knowing our luck, how likely is it that we will really be successful first time? Like am i seriously being complacent about this whole thing thinking I can plan my life out again only for life to teach me over and over again that it just doesn't work that way?! And I seriously need to be mentally prepared that we may not be successful at all ...

    Anyway ... back to plan ... AF is due end of July, will then do the necessary tests and then when AF arrives again end of August, the plan is to do a natural FET with a trigger shot and progesterone support post transfer. I'm so hopeful ... doing all the usual calculations (being the planner I am) and working out due dates etc... it's scary to be excited and hopeful because having been on such a long journey to have our first, I know that that it's such a rollercoaster and I could be in for some very deep disappointment. But for now, I'm going to enjoy the hope and excitement and try my best to remember to take my vitamins  :) 

    Sending baby dust to all!

    Offline Lanee

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    My little one turned 1 last Sunday so is officially 1 year + 1 week old now. Seriously where has time gone?

    Just a quick one to say I think if all things go well, my embryo transfer will be about 8 weeks away. Iíve gained a couple of kilos with COVID and staying at home so Iíd love to shift those in the next 8 weeks if I can and get a little fitter. Iím excited and anxious - itís weird to get back into the IVF mindset ... I get obsessive with counting out the timing and reading up online....

    My main concern at the moment is that baby boy doesnít seem to want to stop nursing at all. Iím considering lying to my FS to say Iíve fully stopped breastfeeding and just trying to get down to 4 or less feeds a day (which Iíve read via the trusty internet of course is what someoneís doctor advised).  But at the same time Iím super worried that if something goes wrong I will blame it on the breastfeeding and feel super guilty.

    But Iím really reluctant to force baby boy from feeding. He loves it and I love the bonding time. He literally comes off my boob with a big smile and super happy. And when he wakes through the night, itís the fastest way for both him and I to get back to sleep.

    So anyway... I have 8 weeks to get this figured out 😬

    Offline Lanee

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    Baby boy is 1 year & 3 weeks old

    I'm feeling really emotional tonight ... I've been feeling uncomfortable for the past month or so about what we are going to do with telling baby boy he is conceived with DS. DH doesn't want to EVER tell him but of course, when we were early in our infertility journey, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and had told all my friends about DH and his issues and that we were not able to conceive with his sperm. I don't know how many remember but a couple of them have asked me and I've just vaguely said that we got lucky and went through IVF and left it at that.

    But there are of course people who know the true story... my brother, DH's brother, sister and mum, one close friend of mine. DH has had issues with his testosterone since he had a microdissection TESE back when we started this journey and has never seen a specialist about it. At our last appointment with my FS, she said she would write a referral him and I said ok ... but when I saw the referral letter, she detailed out that baby boy was conceived with DS. I was pretty angry and upset to see this in black and white - it felt so weird... and I felt it was completely irrelevant to the referral and have no idea why she wrote it. So because the referral letter also gets copied to our GP, they have this on record too. It just feels that the decision of to tell/not tell has been taken out of our hands. I kinda want to confront her about it but at the same time I am not confrontational about these things. So now I'm left feeling upset that something that we want to keep private is just being written into a letter and going to a GP whom we don't even feel close to (and who knows who else can access those records now at the GP's clinic).

    I do feel I'd like to tell baby boy one day about it so that he never has to find out from someone else ... but at the same time, I am not sure if I will tell him because DH feels so strongly about not saying anything and I feel that baby boy may never need to find out given there is no reason he would think that DH was not his biological dad.

    But I worry that DH's brother may one day say something or that baby boy will somehow find out and that will ruin our relationship that we kept this big secret from him. I have definitely read reports that it is better to normalize it when he is young. But I also have to consider DH's feelings... he is adamant this will change his relationship with his son. He also rightly said that young children may tell others and not know how to keep a secret (and I guess DH feels emasculated because he couldn't do the one thing he feels he should be able to do which is biologically father a child). So I have no idea if I will say something to baby boy and if I do, when is the right time.

    I know this is still some time away before we need to make a decision but at the same time, it is constantly playing in the back of my mind. If our course we are 100% confident baby boy would never find out, then maybe we would not say anything. But unfortunately, that is not the case ... we can't be 100% confident he won't find out. Who might say something? Most likely the donor himself ... perhaps wanting something from baby boy in the future or if his relationship sours with DH one day, he may use this information against him.

    The more I think about this, the more stressed I feel about it. And here we are thinking about trying for #2. Part of me would love a sibling for baby boy so that they can both support each other through whatever may come in the future.

    So I'm feeling really emotional this evening. Absolutely head over heels in love with baby boy and my heart just grows every day. And feeling stressed about what the future brings as we made this huge decision (and did all the counselling but now it is so real) and have to deal with the consequences whatever they may be in the future.

    Offline Lanee

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    Feeling better emotionally today - perhaps because Iíve just pushed all my fears to the back of my mind and am back to focusing on TTC #2.

    So we had an appointment with our FS today and she asked me if I had weaned baby boy. I havenít and Iím still torn about whether I want to or not. I told her that we are down to 1 feed a day... the reality is different but with at least 4 weeks to go before transfer, I think if I do decide to wean, Iíd be able to do it in that timeframe.

    I havenít lost any weight since I last wrote that I was going to try ... quite the contrary in fact. So with only 4 weeks to go, I really need to get my act together. I can literally feel my bum widening from the amount of junk food I have been eating  ;D 

    Anyway, apart from the breastfeeding, I got the all clear from my FS to go ahead with the transfer next cycle. Iím feeling excited but at the same time trying to temper my excitement as I know success if only about a 50:50 chance even with a PGD tested embryo.

    So I think I need to:
    - eat more protein
    - reduce sugars and processed foods
    - be more consistent with my multivitamin... maybe add some vitamin D
    - go for a daily walk/exercise
    - get more sleep and rest (hard with a baby who wakes up multiple times a night  ^bigbad^ )
    - research what else I should add to increase my chances ... acupuncture? Brazil nuts? Feel free to share with me any tips if you are reading.

    The countdown to transfer day has begun!