* Author Topic: Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8  (Read 29907 times)

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Offline Lanee

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Baby boy took his first steps the other day at the park!! Was so cool to see and I really love him more and more each day. He hasnít repeated his steps since that day though. Heís done 1 or 2 little shuffles but at the park, he took maybe 5 steps in a row! Canít believe he is growing so fast.


Iím feeling excited as my next period gradually draws closer and closer. I canít wait to try for the next cycle. But Iím super nervous too. Iím definitely not healthy at the moment food wise 😓 and Iím scared of getting my hopes up and it not succeeding. Iím also scared we used up all our luck with baby boy. And Iím still dreading weaning baby boy. I managed to cut out 1 feed today ... hopefully I can keep it up and gradually reduce him down over the next 4 weeks. Iím also seeing our local nurse tomorrow to get some tips to help him sleep better through the night as he still wakes at least twice to feed.


And crazily, Iíve been thinking/kinda hoping that by some miracle, not only will we have a healthy baby #2 but we will be lucky to have a major miracle of having twins  ^idiot^ ;D  We are only going to transfer one tested embryo so the chances of this happening are slim to none and I remember when baby boy was born I thought to myself ... I would never have survived with twins but hey ... Iím crazy and thatís been the latest crazy thought in my mind. Big kudos to all mums of multiples out there!!!


Anyway, looks like my cycle is not going to behave this month - Iíve been testing to see if Iím ovulating and it still hasnít happened even though last month it had done so at least 3 days earlier than this cycle. Itís always the way isnít it?


My dad is having major open heart surgery in September- based on my calculations, it will be the week after transfer. Originally I had thought it would be on my OTD so I was contemplating if we were lucky enough to have a BFP, I would tell him prior. But now with AF not behaving, I donít think that will pan out and maybe that is for the best.


Iím also staying with my parents at the moment and have no idea how Iím going to hide going for the FET. Iíll have to go out for scans/bloods fairly frequently, will have the pessaries, am thinking I have to pause swimming lessons for baby boy and my mum is pretty nosy so Iím sure will ask a tonne of questions if she notices any of the above.  I think I want to wait until after we see a heart beat similar to last time before I tell my parents. But again, Iím getting ahead of myself  ::)  (see how I keep doing that! Itís like I think we are going to be successful first time around - sigh... I really need to remind myself that it doesnít work that way! 50:50 chance is not a sure thing).


And last update ... I received the quote for the FET and looks like my FS ha added embryo glue to this cycle. I recall asking about this in previous cycles and she had said no, so no idea why this time it has been added and she didnít even mention it in our consult. But I did some quick research and seems there is some evidence for it so Iím going to go ahead with it. Anyway ... signing off for tonight!

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    Offline Lanee

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    Omg I still havenít ovulated this month - Iím on CD22 and now Iím seriously unsure about whether I should proceed with the FET next month. Iím worried itís the breastfeeding that is making my cycle all weird. Even if I do manage to wean baby boy in the next 4 weeks, Iím worried it doesnít give my body enough time to go back to normal and I should wait one more cycle before trying. Iíve also been reading tonnes of anecdotal stories on the breastfeeding mums undergoing fertility treatment social media group and I feel that success cases while feeding babies who are younger than 16months of age are the exceptions rather than being proof that breastfeeding doesnít impact your chances. One particular case was a lady who had two PGD normal embryos and perfect lining etc (as proclaimed by her doctor) and still had failures both times. That makes me super super scared. I guess because i have 2 embryos that have been PGDíd, Iíve been hoping that I will get really lucky first time round but if not, at least the second time around. But reading about that case has made me really worried and of course brings back the reality of fertility treatment having an unpredictable outcome and never knowing why ...


     I am still feeding around 5-6 times a day (even though we have dropped one feed) so have a long way to go before weaning him fully and honestly itís not going to be easy to do. Baby boy has been so unsettled the past few days from his vaccines and feeding him is definitely one of the ways he feels better. I keep telling myself feeding all has to come to an end sooner or later but I am really struggling with this. :(

    Offline Lanee

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    Wow, time has flown by and can't believe it has almost been a month since my last post.


    So I was supposed to be having the day 5 transfer this week but after thinking about it last month (and reading some advice from another FF who sent me a PM) we decided to delay the FET one month. In the end, we wanted to ensure we were giving the embryo the best chance of implanting and so wanted to give myself time to wean baby boy. Surprisingly weaning him off the day feeds was fairly straightforward. Weaning him off his middle of the night feeds was a little tougher and it took quite a few nights where he would wake up for 30mins to 90mins but I'd just give him water and hold him until he fell back asleep. I have kept his bedtime and wake-up feed though so still have the 2 hardest ones to go but I think it will be doable as he does seem a little less interested in feeding now. The plus side of doing this is that he is finally sleeping more through the night and maybe only waking once a night. So even though I'm glad I fed him past 12 months of age, I'm also glad that stopping his feeds has now improved his sleep... it's made the decision to stop easier for me.


    Anyway, so it's countdown now until AF arrives ... should be early next week I think. I'm so hoping for some lucky lucky stars to shine down on me and help me get that BFP first time around. Incidentally, I bumped into a random clairvoyant last week and she did say, you're going to have another baby - a baby girl ... so let's see if that is true! It was totally random ... we went to look at a house that was for sale and bumped into the neighbour (the clairvoyant) beforehand and she started chatting and started to say some things. A lot wasn't too accurate or seemed like she was using stereotypes to start the conversation but it was interesting nonetheless and of course, I was happy to hear her say that we would have another baby  ;D  Taking it with a HUGE grain of salt but hey, when you go through infertility, you'll take any 'positive sign' ... lol ...


    Fingers crossed then for the coming cycle ... ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^
     

    Offline Lanee

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    Baby boy is 14 months today! Wow ... and he is a little handful but my heart grows bigger and bigger every day.

    CD26 today and saw some bright red blood so I guess AF is on its way soon. I'm excited and anxious at the same time. Anxious because it seems like my cycle is a slightly out of whack...it's a couple of days early and I feel like my cycle is short and hope that won't impact my chances. And while i have seen this type of bleeding before, it's not the usual situation for my cycle so not sure what is going on there. But, I'm also excited at the prospect that by whatever miracle, we might be able to have baby #2. It's something I'm hoping for more than anything - it would be such a blessing.

    Really need to get focused though to eat healthy and get more sleep. Not long to go before the transfer if all things go smoothly between now and then.  ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^

    Offline Lanee

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    CD1

    Oh wow... officially CD1!

    Had a call with the nurse today to learn more about the modified natural FET... seems fairly straightforward... my first day of monitoring will be blood tests on CD8. Hoping my body is going to behave and be ready for this. I have been feeling a bit of pain on my left ovary where I have a cyst and while Iíve been told it doesnít effect fertility I canít help but think about it and worry.

    But anyway ... it feels good to be on CD1. Itís that hopeful anxious feeling ... and the google is going to be my best friend for the next few weeks obsession back again.

    Baby boy is babbling a tonne every day now and I just canít believe heís growing so fast. He is hardly a baby anymore! Loves toddling around everywhere! And omg I know Iíve said this before but I am so in love. Have now completed 3 successful nights without his night feed so itís nearly time to drop his final feed in the mornings and oh my ... I kinda wish I didnít have to do it but Iím also feeling more and more ready which is great.  I donít know what Iím rambling on about now ... Iím exhausted, itís time for bed now!


    Offline Lanee

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    CD4

    Itís been a big 2 days for me - first of all, my dad had his surgery and thankfully it all went well. He is still in ICU but the surgeon said it went as well as it could. Phew.

    Secondly, I had a major scare yesterday thinking a tumour in my jaw had returned. I couldnít sleep all night stressing about it and wondering if it was a sign that we were not meant to have #2 since I would have to delay transfer and get this sorted first. Luckily it seems like it is ok based on the CT I had but still have a biopsy coming up to confirm so fingers crossed on this.

    So itís been a pretty crazy 2 days of anxiety.

    I still have 1 feed to drop and am hoping things go smoothly over the next couple of weeks as I may not get the biopsy results before the FET as everything seems to be happening over the next 2 weeks and Iím not sure how the timing will work out. Iím just hoping for best case scenario... the CT results are accurate and the biopsy will concur with it and the FET will be successful.

    The past 2 days has made me realise how much I really want to have another baby - if only for the sake of baby #1 to have a sibling and someone to support him later in life. There have been occasional times where Iíve felt like I would be ok since I already have an amazing miracle baby but now Iím already wondering if I should do a full ICSI soon if this FET is unsuccessful... just planning worst case scenario. 🙄😓 oh gosh ... I always get so far ahead of myself but I just need to know and be prepared.

    Have been totally unhealthy and not looking after myself the same way I did before. I hope it doesnít impact my chances. Anyway... the countdown continues.


    Offline Lanee

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    CD6


    Iím sorry my diary is becoming so repetitive but just have to get my thoughts out in order to sleep. As the time for the FET is drawing closer, my desire to have a sibling for Baby #1 is growing stronger and stronger. Which is increasing my anxiety that I might not be successful even with a PGD normal embryo. Have just read far too many examples of this being the case to know that itís a sure thing just because the embryo is normal.


    On top of that, I donít feel Iíve been the healthiest person either .. especially with lack of sleep and eating a lot of junk food and sugar. I did however give baby boy his last breastfeed this morning. I feel ready now - itís not as comfortable anymore to feed him so I do feel like itís time to stop. He still has a good suck in the morning so letís see how I go tomorrow 😅


    Anyway... just getting that emotional excited and anxious feeling heading into the FET. Have somewhat forgotten this feeling and wonder how I had coped all those cycles previously 😬. I guess itís just one day at a time. And as horrible as this sounds, while seeing/hearing stories of others being unsuccessful even with a PGD normal embryo, it really does remind me how grateful I should be for the baby boy I do have and I really do need to remember and focus on that. 

    Offline Lanee

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    CD13

    So I had the trigger yesterday! A quick catch up since my last post:

    CD8 I went in for bloods...forgot to ask for the details of the results but was told to come back in on CD 10 for scan and bloods.
    CD10 I have a leading follicle on the right side of 16mm and my lining measured 8.8mm - I noticed some clear discharge so I feel like ovulation is close and was expecting that I might get asked to trigger but the nurses said they need to wait for my LH to rise a little more
    CD12 (yesterday) went back for another round of bloods and scan. My lining measured 9.3mm but didn't have that triple layer look that I have seen in the past. I'm a little worried about that and even though the nurses say the lining is the thickness it needs to be, I do know it is less thick than when I did the ICSI cycle at this point in time. My LH has surged now so I was told to trigger anytime yesterday evening which I did around 6.45pm.

    I'm feeling worried about whether everything is on track - I guess I have been doing too much Dr Google and searching about modified natural FETs. As my trigger was on a Friday, I've been told my transfer will be next Friday. I'm feeling worried if that is the right timing for transfer given my LH already surged on Friday morning and some studies say that transfer is 6 days post surge which would mean I should transfer on Thursday. The timing is definitely right from a trigger perspective but not if you take into account the LH surge. Will have to ask the nurses on Monday but I know they can be a little dismissive at times and will just tell me it's ok and follow the plan. So feeling pretty anxious about whether this cycle will be successful or not.

    Offline Lanee

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    CD16

    Can't believe I only have 3 more sleeps until transfer day. This time around, it's happening all so quickly and I feel unprepared. I had another round of bloods yesterday and despite voicing my concerns, as I knew would happen, there are no changes to the plan and I will transfer on Friday. The nurses tried to reassure me but refused to do another scan to check my lining (well, I didn't push too hard to have another one but I would have liked to)/ I think the nurse I spoke to in the morning, didn't want to deal with my stress and had a different nurse call me back in the afternoon with my results which I thought was weird since the morning nurse is usually the one who calls me. Anyway, apparently everything is on track for Friday so I will just have to trust them on this one.

    Started the progesterone pessaries last night (yuck ... always so gross). I've also tried to start visualizing and mentally thinking positively given all the stress about whether Friday is the right transfer day etc... I can only hope for the best and I am still very worried I won't be successful this cycle especially impacted by the lack of effort on my part to eat healthy or do anything special apart from taking a pregnancy multivitamin. I've actually gained about 2-3kgs as a result of COVID, stopping breastfeeding and just generally eating unhealthily. So it's been hard to get into the right mindset but I guess I have 3 more sleeps to get there.

    I was also a little surprised when the nurse booked me in for the pregnancy test already too! I just hadn't expected that to be organized before transfer so my OTD is on the 12th October (10dp5dt). That is perhaps 1 day sooner than I thought it would be and DH has already asked me not to test early (even though I think I might want to test at day 8 or day 9). Hopefully time will fly by faster as last time around I did a 3 day transfer so it felt like the wait was forever.

    Anyway, better get some rest - I've not been sleeping much between working late and baby boy waking super early (i.e. 5.30am) .... and again I am worried this will impact my chances as my body thinks it is not getting enough rest to be able to support another baby ... eep ... I really do want this to be successful even though I don't feel like I have got myself together this cycle.

    Offline Lanee

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    Transfer day tomorrow!

    I canít believe itís already transfer day tomorrow. Got the call from the clinic today to confirm my transfer time is at 10am and to my surprise learnt that my FS is away! I had no idea that she is away and wonít be able to do my transfer so Iím now feeling like this is another sign this cycle is not going to work out.

    Iím totally stuck in a really negative and anxious mindset about the transfer. From the first scan and not seeing a triple lined endometrium to then knowing that I surged on Friday before the trigger and wondering if we have calculated the transfer timing wrong, to not sleeping well, to now not having my doctor around.

    The embryologist asked me what I would like to do in case this embryo doesnít survive the thaw... do I want to proceed and thaw out our only other frozen embryo? honestly, I wasnít sure. If that worst case eventuates, I kinda feel like maybe the timing wasnít right and I should just let this cycle be and try again next time around. Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly tomorrow but Iím always worst case scenario planning so I need to know in my own mind what I would do if that situation does eventuate.

    I also found out this morning that one of the other mumís in my motherís group is already 20 weeks pregnant. I felt that ugly green monster feeling rise and really had to sort through my own thoughts and feelings this morning. I donít know why but it did hit me harder than I thought it would.

    And last "crazy" I need to get off my chest ... I donít know why but Iíve been super worried that even if I do fall pregnant something will go wrong. Two women in my extended team have both given birth extremely early (end of 2nd trimester) ... luckily both babies are doing well now but I wondered whether there was something related to our work stress that it happened to 2 people in the same department. Then I joined a couple of social media IVF groups and itís disheartening just reading how many people have lost little ones in the second trimester. It makes it so real and I canít even imagine what they have gone through. And lastly, I donít get on IG regularly but today I happened to open it and saw a devastating post by Chrissy Tiegan that they last their baby too. Really feel for everyone who has had this devastating experience and it makes me so scared! (Even though Iím not even pregnant yet and donít think this cycle will work out 🤦🏻‍♀️)

    I told you Iím in a very weird, negative and anxious frame of mind :( Well, one more night to get myself thinking positive 😅