* Author Topic: Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8  (Read 29908 times)

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Offline Lanee

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CD19 Transfer day

Omg it has been an absolute whirlwind this morning :( For the first time this cycle, I woke up feeling positive as I dreamt last night that I was pregnant and found out I had a BFP on my OTD. I took it as a positive sign for today.

But as I ate breakfast I noticed a missed call from the embryologist and my heart sank. They had told me yesterday that they would only call if there was an issue. Iím currently staying with my parents and havenít told them about the FET so I had to stay sitting at breakfast for the next 30mins with my heart pounding while waiting for my mum to leave to do something else so that I could call the embryologist back. And sure enough, my precious 5AA PGD tested blast didnít survive the thaw. I felt so stressed and as luck would have it🙄, hubby was out for a run so I couldnít even discuss with him next steps.

Even though I had been told that the embryo may not survive the thaw yesterday, it was still such a shock to get that news and go from thinking you have a back up plan to moving to the actual back up plan.

Luckily the embryologist was great and said she would get the doctor to call me and that as long as I decided within the next 1h on what to do, it would be ok. The FS who is doing my transfer (not my usual FS since she is away) called me and was really great. I actually really liked his manner and confidence and he gave me reassurance that everything is ok to proceed but also said itís ok to cancel. In fact, in some ways, I felt a little better that I had a different doctor and review my files and say itís all ok.  Luckily hubby also came back from his run but at that stage Iíd pretty made up my mind to proceed with our last tested embryo. 

We are only in Oz for another month and unsure when we would return again with COVID so I thought worst case I could do another ICSI cycle before we leave if this last embryo we have doesnít take.

So here I am waiting for my transfer. Honestly it has been a really stressful morning and my heart is still pounding so I hope it doesnít take away from my chances. Iíve been trying to take a lot of deep breaths and focus on the fact that we are already so so so lucky to have our little one. Finger crossed 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

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    Offline Lanee

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    What a day! Itís 8.30pm now and Iíve been officially PUPO since 11am this morning but itís the first time Iíve been able to lie down and have a rest all day!!

    The good news is the 4AA blast thawed ok and I think the transfer went smoothly. The FS had trouble getting the catheter and had to try 3 times but I felt he was cautious and gentle each time so am not overly worried. I could definitely see the little embryo like a little bright spark going in. It was quite cool and I almost wish I recorded it.

    As soon as the embryo was on board, all my anxiety just disappeared and I whispered welcome home to the baby! It just came out of my mouth and it was like everything was ok at that moment.

    After that I managed to have a nice lunch at the beach but post that, things got pretty hectic. My dad is in hospital at the moment so went to visit him with the little one and ended up having to lift and carry my 11.3kg whopper baby so many times as he kept trying to run around. Feeling a little worried about all that heavy lifting but also trying to reassure myself that I do it everyday so my body is used to it.

    Have felt a little crampy here and there and felt a few twinges which I think are all from the catheter and perhaps as I was on my feet for quite a long time today coupled with lifting baby a lot.

    Well, hope this little one sticks! 🙏🏼 Counting down to OTD already and have seriously been contemplating that I will POAS and not tell DH ... maybe at day 6 post transfer 😬
     


    Offline Lanee

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    1dp5dt


    Woke up feeling normal but around 10am, I started feeling little sharp twinges - usually on the left side (perhaps near my left ovary). I had promised myself yesterday that I wasn't going to fall into the trap of reading too much online and reading too much into my symptoms but honestly, I haven't stopped thinking about the sharp pinching feeling all day and have definitely been searching online on and off all day.
    The feeling has been fairly constant all day - it will be for a few seconds on and off. Fingers crossed it is a good sign but I just worry it's too early for any implantation so I'm probably reading into it too much. I'm also feeling a little more bloated than usual.


    I've been trying to read back on my old entries to see if I had this feeling but I only described crampy feelings (both in my BFN and BFP) so not sure if this is something different and from either the catheter going in yesterday (especially as it was the first cycle where they had trouble getting the catheter in) or if it's from implantation.  ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^


    DH has been sweet and just called me to check up on me. Last night he also texted me ... "how are my two babies going?" I was a little worried as he didn't seem so excited or nervous or anything really heading into the transfer but afterwards, he just said to me ... you know ... I don't get excited until something really happens so I guess he is holding out for a bfp. But it is reassuring that he is texting and calling and it's obviously on his mind too. Really hope it's going to be good news for us.


    As for the rest of today... I'm exhausted ... both yesterday and today I have been SO busy and on my feet all day. If this little one sticks, it's going to be a strong one - I've been madly rushing around between visiting my dad in hospital and DH being out with his friends so having to take care of baby boy all on my own in the evenings which basically means lifting this 11kg weight over and over again, bending down with the 11kg on my hip to pick up toys or whatever he has dropped. Definitely have not been taking it easy. Well, day 1 post transfer is nearly done. 8 days to go!

    Offline Lanee

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    2dp5dt

    Itís not looking good for me. Last night I woke up to major pelvic cramping (like bad period pains) and was hoping it was implantation cramping. But it got worse and worse - so bad I couldnít sleep for 2hours. I donít normally get cramping before my period but this felt like the start of labour pains and Iím worried my body has basically rejected the embryo. 

    This morning my stomach muscles are actually sore from all the cramping. Like they have had a work out. And now Iíve just seen a tiny bit of blood - not the light pink implantation blood that I hear about but dark red.

    Part of me wants to believe this is all from implantation but the other part of me is really worried as my understanding is that implantation signs are usually mild. Iím not sure whether itís from overdoing things the last 2 days or maybe the catheter irritating my insides or from the progesterone or maybe all the above. Anyway time will tell I suppose but hope this crampy feeling subsides a little as itís quite uncomfortable even to get up from sitting/lying down.

    Offline Lanee

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    3dp5dt


    A quick update - managed to stay much more distracted today and not dwell too much on the 2WW. The cramps have subsided significantly since yesterday afternoon and I only felt very very mild cramping/twinges today ... sometimes felt nothing at all and forgot that I am PUPO! (ok sure ... I'm lying ... it would be more accurate to say I would have a momentary lapse of around 1 second and would catch myself thinking... oh, I didn't think about the baby frostie on board for the last 1s!  ;D )


    I did notice some clear somewhat sticky discharge yesterday (sorry I know this is TMI but hey, most of us have had our Vjays on display to who knows how many people in this process so.....) and also noticed a tiny bit this evening but who knows if that is just from the progesterone pessaries. Also have felt bloated since yesterday afternoon - really noticed it when I tried to button my jeans and it felt oh so tight! (hopefully it isn't all because of my COVID weight gain! ;D )


    After sooooo much googling yesterday, I managed to keep myself offline for most of today and found it much easier to get through the day. So the plan is to keep busy with work for the rest of this week and before I know it, it will be OTD! ::)  (yeah right? ... time is seriously passing by so slowly.) Well ... tomorrow will be 4dp5dt and I know some people have managed to get a very faint line this early so while I'm resisting my urge to POAS, it does feel like I'm at least progressing forward from a time perspective I suppose.


    Oh ...and ... if I am lucky enough to get a BFP and if I have a successful pregnancy & deliver a healthy baby (had to type it all as this infertility journey only makes you far too aware of all the things that could go wrong at any time  :( ) I'm calling it now ... I think it's a girl... ;D ^idiot^

    Offline Lanee

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    Erm ... immediately regretted posting that ... have no idea if Iím even pregnant ... let alone having a girl 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

    Offline Lanee

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    4dp5dt


    oh dear, think I jinxed myself yesterday with all my talk about it being a girl. For most of today, I didn't have many symptoms but saw some sticky (very lightly coloured yellow/brown) CM which I was hoping is a good sign. But now I'm seeing some more pinkish blood on my liner and some twinges on my left side. I know it can be a sign of implantation but if I read back to my previous transfers, it was a sign of my period for me so am not feeling overly hopeful. As I'm writing this, it's getting heavier and starting to feel cramping so it's starting to hit me that it's likely failed.


    I feel like I have totally overdone it this time - not only have I lost nearly 2kgs in the past few days rushing around with work, baby and my dad being in hospital (and DH leaving baby boy to me to look after for long periods because I was on leave so I had to lift baby boy up and down and having to lift him up and down) but I feel like it has contributed to this baby frostie maybe not taking. Baby boy has been especially clingy too lately so he is only falling asleep if he is lying on my tummy. This was actually when I started cramping on the 2nd night post transfer - I had woken up in the middle of the night and found him asleep on me and moved him off my belly. Once I did that, I noticed strong strong cramping that only got worse and I'm not sure if that pressure on my belly caused it. I had tried to reassure myself thinking, if it was as simple as that, it would be a way for people to have abortions but now I just can't help thinking I have done everything the wrong way the last few days.


    Feeling really scared it's a negative. Secretly have hope that it's implantation signs but also wanting to manage my own expectations.

    Offline Lanee

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    10pm 4dp5dt

    Sadly Iím out this cycle - bleeding has increased and looks exactly like my period. Starting to feel the usual cramps too now so despite my secret hope that it was implantation cramping and bleeding, it doesnít look that way at all.

    I just feel like everything that could go wrong did go wrong this cycle! From the lining not being triple lined to me being pretty sure we got the timing wrong to the first embryo not surviving the thaw. Iím somewhat peeved with myself for not just cancelling this cycle as I was so worried about all of that. Then once transferred DH basically ditched me and went out and left baby boy all to myself so I had to do a tonne of heavy lifting and wrestling (I have a feisty one whoís going through tantrums the past couple of weeks). I know I should be so grateful to have baby boy (and I am) but Iím in that angry stage of just disbelieving that even with TWO PGD normal embryos we have failed. I seriously thought if the first round didnít work we would at least have a second chance but we didnít even get that. Iím not even in the devastated phase yet Iím just so angry with my FS for never listening to my gut, angry at myself for not listening to my gut and angry at DH for not being more supportive this cycle.

    Iím not even sure we can go onto an ICSI cycle straight away. I had planned to call them today but I didnít. And I canít believe my damn period arrived so early at CD23 (or CD24 if we want to count it from tomorrow). Argh! So bummed and just angry. Iím sure the sadness will come.

    Offline Lanee

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    Itís starting to hit me now ... the disappointment of this cycle not working especially as more and more blood arrives and I realise there is no chance it can be implantation bleeding. For a moment I had hoped it might by some miracle stop but it hasnít. So so bummed. Really not loving our chances for the final cycle especially as I havenít prepared like I did 2 years ago for the egg quality where I had basically taken a lot of different supplements to hopefully help.

    I said to hubby itís just soooo typical of our luck. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Like the embryologist told me that most embryos survive the thaw. Well, we are in that % whose embryo didnít survive :( And now we went from 2 chances to none in a very short space of time. I have no idea if we will be successful or even be able to squeeze in the fresh cycle before we leave Oz in early November. And with Covid, I donít think we will be back in Oz anytime soon so if we do squeeze in the last cycle, it will be our very very last chance. 

    Sad :(

    Offline Lanee

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    Feeling bitterly disappointed today and trying to reconcile my feelings. It was the rude awakening and reminder of all those failed cycles and how NOT easy this is. And Iím feeling bitterly jealous of all those who can fall pregnant so easily.

    One in my motherís group is 40 and is already 20 weeks pregnant with her second (where I wish I was). One in my office is about to have her 3rd child and she had trouble initially but now seems to be popping them out. I know I should be happy for them but today, Iím just feeling sad that I may not be able to give baby boy a sibling. Also because we have used donor sperm, I wanted to ensure he had someone he could talk to and who could completely relate. I worry that he will want to bond with his half siblings who will be so different from him as they are being brought up in a completely different culture and environment.

    I know those of you who donít even have one yet will be thinking Iím completely ungrateful and thinking if only I could be in your position to have one ... I get it. I remember feeling that too. Itís funny though how when youíre in the moment and your heart wants what it wants, you canít help but feel the way you do.

    Honestly it has surprised me how upset and disappointed Iím feeling today. And how scared I am that we are at the end of the road. I tried to look at the little one this morning and tell myself itís ok and be grateful for him. And I am. But it also made me feel so sad thinking I have so much love to give and may not be able to have another little one.

    And Iím frustrated with Covid - not sure whether I will be able to try again after this last cycle as we will fly back to Asia and most likely canít get back into Oz for at least 6 months. The desire for #2 is strong enough that I donít think I would stop at the next round of ICSI and I do feel like we are rushing into the next round and I havenít given my body a chance to prepare properly.

    Itís been really tough as well staying with my parents (well my mum at least since my dad is in hospital). Sneaking around and trying to avoid answering her questions. And she has been super stressed and high strung because of my dad and I donít feel I can be emotionally available for her right now. I donít know why she is always sooo high anxiety. I feel like Iíve gotten that from her but hoping I do control it better than her.

    And DH is supportive but at times I feel we are just growing apart. We only talk about baby boy and not much else and I realised for the first time in our relationship Iíve started to feel scared to tell him what Iím thinking or wanting for fear he will snap at me. What I loved when I met him was I felt safe to tell him anything.

    Need to get my head into gear soon though and get back into it as Iím feeling really overwhelmed with the amount of work I have piled up and obviously need to be there for my little one.

    Feeling extremely tired with lack of sleep too.
    Just had my blood test this morning to see if I can start the next cycle.