* Author Topic: Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8  (Read 30986 times)

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Offline Lanee

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Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8
« Reply #170 on: 6/12/20, 10:52 »
8dp3dt continued

So it has been a really hectic and emotional day. The first half of the day went well and it was lovely to catch up with my friends for lunch with baby boy (who was surprisingly well behaved). Well, he used up all his good behaviour then because for the rest of the day he alternated between cheeky and annoying. He refused his second nap and was so tired and grumpy I ended up having to get him back in the car to have a quick nap. DH of course organised friends to come over when really we have a tonne of packing to do this evening and Iím feeling tired and like a downright grump.

Iím not sure if Iím emotional because I might be pregnant or if itís because itís our last day in Oz and Iím just feeling sad and flustered about it (probably the latter but hoping the former has something to do with it too). But since the afternoon Iíve just felt really awful emotionally and having trouble keeping my patience even with baby boy. 

After lunch, I also felt a little nauseous or perhaps refluxy ...like there is a lump in my throat but again Iím not sure if that is because of anxiety with the upcoming trip or because of Iím PUPO. Iím really hoping itís all good signs even though Iím being a downright horrible person right now.

Did not do a good job being a mum today - Just got the baby boy off to sleep at nearly 9.45pm :( super late bedtime ... these next few days are going to be hard!

And I hope DH gets his act together too - donít feel he has been helping one bit - just adding to the pressure by meeting more friends and being around even less. So frustrated with him right now to be honest.  :(

Grump grump grump

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    Offline Lanee

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    Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8
    « Reply #171 on: 6/12/20, 23:26 »
    9dp3dt

    So quite a few spots of brown and pink spotting this morning mixed in the crinone when I wiped and woke up at 5am to period like cramps :(

    Feeling really down about it that Iím out this cycle. Still trying to cling to the glimmer of hope but at the same time feel like itís a really bad sign. So much for all the positive signs I thought I had yesterday. Maybe itís because I have been super stressed these past 2 days with packing and running around with everything last minute.

    Had a good cry in the car picking up my meds for the next cycle. I know we made it happen with one last try and extended the trip but Iím just so bummed.

    Offline Lanee

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    Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8
    « Reply #172 on: 8/12/20, 07:05 »
    10dp3dt

    So the spotting has increased and I'm getting stronger period like cramps. I'm still holding onto a small slither of hope but not much now. The spotting has been at every wipe now (instead of the occasional wipe through the day) and the little brown spots/clumps that come out with the Crinone are darker in colour and bigger now. I'm so tempted to POAS to just get it over with and know the result for sure so I can deal and move on. I think that inkling of hope is killing me more than just knowing it's over altogether. It's like you hold onto the hope and every time I wipe and see the brown spotting, my heart sinks all over again - tiny daggers that keep stabbing me in my heart.

    I had such a stressful day yesterday - I don't know if that stress or the Crinone is helping to hold off my period or if it really is just spotting and a very different experience from when I use endometrin. My heart tells me it is my period but I've of course googled Crinone and spotting during the 2WW and as I know already sometimes the spotting = period and sometimes the spotting is just a side effect so really I'm none the wiser ... just exacerbating my feelings of hope and despair as I ping pong between the two.

    I guess by tomorrow morning I will know for sure. Today feels like all the signs I get the day before I get my full blown period so let's see what happens.

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #173 on: 8/12/20, 07:50 »
    oh gosh ... just went to the toilet and even more brown spotting (a lot more in terms of quantity) and period like cramps continue. I don't know why I mentally can't accept it is over... I know it's 99% certain to be over but I just keep clinging onto a small inkling of hope because it's not full flow yet. But the fact that it is increasing is not a good sign at all. I feel like going every 5 minutes to check ... in fact, I probably have been checking every 5 minutes or so ... I am totally being a crazy person. It's like I want to know it's my period but at the same time I don't ... seriously seriously ... so sorry for anyone reading my diary but I just write for my own mental health and to get my thoughts off my chest as DH would never want to listen to me go on and on ... I'm sure it's not a fun read either.

    Offline Lanee

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    Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8
    « Reply #174 on: 8/12/20, 13:33 »
    Feeling really down - so I did a FRER and Iím not planning to tell hubby that I did it. And it came back negative. Which I expected but at the same time for those 3 minutes I was hoping it would come back positive and shock me. It feels final now and itís just time to wait until AF arrives. As I was waiting for the result, of course the cramping came back and I felt stupid for even thinking it might be a BFP.

    Been having a horrible few days with DH. I just feel we are not on the same wavelength, we are both nitpicking at each other and impatient with each other and he is being an ass and canít even see it from my perspective. When I tried to explain to him how challenging it is to work and multi-task with his requests and looking after baby boy, he said... I donít want to know. Who says that? We are in such a bad place that I feel like thatís part of the reason why we didnít get a BFP. Iím mentally not wanting it 100% even though I would love to have a sibling for baby boy.

    Thoughts of divorce cross my mind all the time. Iím a very loyal person but I canít help but always think Iím better off without him. Definitely financially I would be but seriously where is the support and love.

    I donít know if itís all exacerbated by tiredness from travel, feeling emotional about the BFN and stress from moving countries but itís hard because if I am honest, I have always had doubts from time to time ever since I met hubby ... sometimes it gets better for a few years. Then it gets worse where I think about splitting up every week ... especially since we had baby boy and I feel like he has grown more selfish and Iíve gotten more stretched and stressed. If I bring it up, he will just snap and be like fine ... letís separate which scares me.

    And I donít want that for baby boy. Oh gosh ... I donít know what is going on right now. I feel so alone and like I canít really talk to anyone about it. My friends will tell me that I really am better off without him.

    One of the things I really loved about DH when I first met him is I could tell him anything and talk to him about anything. Now I feel like I canít do that without him snapping at me or just ignoring me because he is tuned out or watching some YouTube video. I feel like the burden of everything is on me but he doesnít see it. And he thinks when I bring up all the things Iím doing, Iím just rubbing it in his face that he is not working and not earning money. But itís more than that. I really donít know how to solve this.

    Anyway so super sad on 2 fronts. If I didnít have baby boy I would just sleep on the couch tonight to have some alone time but I want to be in bed with baby. Super grateful baby boy is a happy baby and that we have been lucky enough to have him and become a mum.

    Offline Lanee

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    Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8
    « Reply #175 on: 9/12/20, 12:10 »
    11dp3dt

    Iím mentally really struggling to accept this BFN. Even though the spotting continues to increase with more brown spots, because AF hasnít shown up, I keep wondering if Iím going to be one of those exceptions who is like ... I didnít get my BFP till OTD. As every other failed cycle, my period arrived full flow before OTD. But this cycle, Iím using different progesterone so that might explain why it is different this cycle and it is likely having an impact of keeping AF away. AND of course I used that FRER which says it is 99% accurate from even before your period is due (and my period was due yesterday) so I am pretty sure that negative was accurate. I guess only when I see full flow will it really hit me. Itís tough - itís a really lo drawn out negative and mentally Iím struggling with it.

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #176 on: 11/12/20, 15:24 »
    OTD

    Feeling really depressed today. And canít stop the tears from flowing. AF finally arrived yesterday and with Covid and not knowing when or if I will ever cycle again, itís a really hard feeling that we may not get that second miracle. I know I should appreciate and I do appreciate and am ever so grateful for baby boy. But I really thought I would be pregnant by now especially starting with the 2 PGD normal embryos. And now after an unsuccessful transfer and unsuccessful cycle, to be back in Asia and not knowing if I will ever be pregnant again is just something Iím still wrapping my head around. That reality of it has really hit me and i feel like all my hope is lost.

    Had a major argument with DH earlier in the week too. So itís been a really tough week from flying out of Oz, having a major fight where we discussed separation, to being hit today with the real feeling of a BFN and feeling so far away from my family especially as my dad has also landed back in hospital today with fluid in his heart. Itís all a bit much for me to deal with and I guess I just need to give myself time to grieve and adjust and figure out what I want to do over the next 12 months.

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #177 on: 12/12/20, 14:44 »
    This morning, I dreamt twice about having a baby girl - it's the first time I have ever really dreamt of having a sibling for baby boy so I am hoping it is a positive sign that it will happen in the future. The first part of the dream, I was pregnant and the baby was pushing her hand and face up at my belly and making really clear imprints. The second part of the dream, I gave birth and at the end I was cradling her in one arm and baby boy was in the other arm and I was comparing her to him.

    So feeling a little more positive today - and I know it is a little crazy but I am going to take action to find out what it would take to get my frozen emboss over to Asia in case I could possibly do a FET here...

    Offline Lanee

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    Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8
    « Reply #178 on: 13/12/20, 14:30 »
    Feeling emotional again this evening - I know it could be my hormones just settling post this cycle but it also reminds me just how tough this infertility journey is. It makes me even more emotional and grateful that I am a mum but at the same time doesn't take away the sadness that this last cycle didn't succeed. It's hard when I think that I had hoped to be pregnant by now and am so far away from achieving that. I don't know if it will happen and while I know I will be ok, especially given we achieved our most difficult challenge to have baby boy in the first place, I also feel so sad because having a sibling is something I really really really want for him.


    when I see families with multiple children, I feel a little jealous. I feel mad at the world that some people can be unhealthy and still fall pregnant and others take supplements, go to acupuncture and still it doesn't happen. I also feel I am running out of time to have #2 and don't know if it is still the right thing to do to have a baby when older. Will I be healthy and be around to support them until they need? I know nothing is a given in life but I just really want to do my best for my family.


    Well, I guess with covid, the most I can do is take the next 3 months to be super healthy and try as soon as the borders open up. In the meantime, I will wait to see if over the next few weeks I can figure out the feasibility of doing a transfer here in Asia.





    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #179 on: 15/12/20, 13:34 »
    Feeling so alone right now - wondering who I can talk to about how I am feeling and coming up with NO ONE. Not one friend, not one family member.


    I tried to text with my BFF to let her know how I was feeling but she basically told me that I would get over it not having another baby.


    I tried to talk to DH about it this evening that I want to investigate options in Asia and he totally snapped at me. Said if it's going to happen, it will happen. Well, if I don't MAKE it happen, how is it going to?! He told me that I'm so stressed, always on these forums and on these IVF groups looking for information. And that we just failed a cycle and that we should take a break - I think he basically thinks I am crazy thinking about this 24/7. I don't get it, that's how I have always been even for baby #1. Is it me that has changed or him? I feel like it was my persistence and my crazy obsession that made it happen for baby #1.


    The more I think about our situation and my desire to have baby #2, the more I'm feeling like I want to try 1 cycle here in Asia while waiting for borders to re-open. I don't mean that I will try right away and I totally agree with him that I need to give my body a break but I know that if I don't start investigating, it could be months and months before we figure things out. So I actually made an appointment to see a doctor today already. I've also emailed about shipping embryos and sperm from Oz to here. I hate that I have to lie to DH and not tell him this. It's like we are drifting further and further apart that I can't talk to him about things and he is not supportive of me.


    He seems totally stressed. And the other day, he told me I don't respect him because I make decisions without him. Well, when I ask him or want to discuss things with him, he is just completely crap about it - he either doesn't want to talk about it or reacts really badly. So of course, I'm going to make decisions without him. Totally frustrated and feel like the only place I can vent my feelings is here.


    My friends  don't understand because they either haven't gone through it so don't really get how I feel or else, they have gone through it but they are not super close friends that I would want to talk to about this or let them know that I'm trying for #2.


    Feeling really exhausted the last few days (despite sleeping more at night than I have for a long time). I know it is partly because I'm really emotionally depleted and feeling a little depressed. Hope I can get over it soon. Thanks for being here - without this outlet, I don't know what I would do.