* Author Topic: ICSI #6 (BFN, 1 PGD normal frostie), onto ICSI #7 (BFP!!!! + 1 frostie)  (Read 18327 times)

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Offline Lanee

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Cycle #6 - ICSI - Hope itís finally the one!
« Reply #20 on: 26/08/18, 06:30 »
Is it still only 1dp5dt??? 😂😂😂

My range of emotions & thoughts today have been all over the place. From worrying about whether the embryo is even still inside & growing, to worrying if I get a BFP, when would the first scan be and would I do all the genetic testing like amniocentesis, to wondering if I should POAS before my OTD.

My OTD is the day hubby gets back from his travels and Iím so tempted to test the day before and surprise him. But if it is a bad result, that would be the worst to greet him with that at the airport. But either way, we are going to find out that day but thought at least we could go together and let him enjoy a few hours of not knowing and still believing.

I feel that going through IVF totally robs you of being truly happy. Because Iíve tested an embryo before for PGD and it was aneuploid, I have this fear that even if I do get a BFP, it will not be genetically normal. I am someone who worries a lot anyway about the worst case so this process just makes things worse. I was reading through my old journal entries and each cycle, you go through so much hope and anxiety. And all too often, for me it has not ended in a successful outcome. As time goes on, it gets harder to believe that next time will be the one because you get used to knowing the unexpected always seems to happen. You always have to mentally prepare yourself for the worst.

I have the day off work tomorrow but Iím wondering if I should do some work at home anyway to help me stay distracted. Anyway... off to stare at the picture of my embie .... 🙈🙈😅😅

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    Offline Lanee

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    Cycle #6 - ICSI - Hope itís finally the one!
    « Reply #21 on: 26/08/18, 13:06 »
    I donít know how I survived the 2WW last cycle. Perhaps because I transferred a day 5 morula I wasnít super hopeful so didnít really want to test.

    This time, Iím reading up on when I can POAS. So tempted to do it ... seems lots of people got their BFP by day 6 ... but Iím totally torn because Iíd be doing it by myself and DH wouldnít be here with me to share the joy or the sadness (hopefully the joy!). My period seems pretty consistent about coming 10-12days post egg collection so perhaps I should just wait and see if it arrives and then POAS after that window (which would only be 3 days before OTD or 8dp5dt). 

    Seriously, this wait is killing me ... and Iím still on 1dp5dt!! 😱😬😅

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #22 on: 27/08/18, 02:43 »
    2dp5dt

    Woke up feeling worried today. I know youíre not supposed to feel anything so early but I really donít feel pregnant at all.

    Have taken the day off work today and have an acupuncture appointment so looking forward to stepping out after confining myself to the house and predominantly the bed/couch for 2 days. Hopefully the days will start to pass more quickly now and I can hold out until my OTD.

    Iíve been thinking about what Iíve done differently this cycle to get a better embryo result. For the vitamins, Iíve been taking these for a while now (more consistently since January/December last year) so Iím not sure it has been that (unless the cumulative effect has helped given it does take 3 months for the egg to form). Last cycle, I had a slightly better result and I did start taking chicken essence & acupuncture part way through that cycle so not sure if that helped.

    This cycle, the key changes I made were being really conscious about eating protein at each meal, took the chicken essence the entire time (including before the cycle started) and had acupuncture through the entire cycle from just before I started down reg onwards. I think these may have helped my body respond better to the medication as my doctor mentioned this time my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing.

    We also used different donor sperm (a new batch) so that may have also helped - Iíve read that the egg does most of the work until day 3 but after day 3,the sperm plays a stronger role too so I do wonder if that has also helped to make the difference to get to 2 blasts on day 5.

    Oh, and one last thing I did for this cycle and the last cycle that is a little naughty. My FS normally asks me to use half of the ovidrel trigger (13 clicks). I read online that the trigger does impact how many mature eggs you have and even though there is a study that confirms that a half trigger can be just as effective, I went ahead with 14 clicks instead of 13. I figured it wasnít enough to really make that much difference but was like extra insurance. I think if I have to go through another cycle, I would consider increasing it further (probably would check with my FS though).

    Anyway, counting down the days ... I also realised the day before my OTD or on the same day, Iím due to get the results of the PGD for the snowbaby. Fingers crossed itís a double whammy of good news 😬

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #23 on: 27/08/18, 12:46 »
    Still 2dp5dt

    Itís been easier to get through today ... kept a little more busy so the day went fast. Did go to the supermarket to look for fresh pineapple juice 😅 couldnít find it though so I guess I wonít be doing that. I am eating brazil nuts though (just 3 a day).

    I was questioning whether or not to keep going to acupuncture here as I donít feel the person is as good here in Oz versus where I live (probably not as accurate with the needle placement nor as experienced). But I did find it relaxing today so think I will do one last session before I leave on the weekend.

    Hereís a tip from the Chinese Ďdoctorí (acupuncturist) where I live (whom I do believe helped me in preparation for this cycle) ... to know if the acupuncture is in the right spot, you will feel a strange tingling/nerve sensation or sometimes a bit of pain like the needle has hit something (beyond just pricking your skin). Having felt it myself (and it can be a little uncomfortable), when they hit the right spot, you can tell.

    Anyway, no real symptoms today ... had occasional crampy feeling but itís hard to tell if it is just from sitting around all day and have a small headache now. Hope the little embie is still growing inside and starting to implant 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #24 on: 28/08/18, 00:30 »
    3dp5dt

    Woke up to no symptoms today ... Iím really not sure if the little one is growing inside. Itís a scary thought... I so so hope this will be the one but after so many disappointments in this journey, it is really hard to believe that it will be. Really worried that Iím not feeling anything but I know some people donít so still trying to stay hopeful.

    Last night, I asked DH if I should POAS and he was soooo quick to say NO! 😅😅 He wants to wait until OTD so I guess that is that then. 😬 I told him Iíll wait to see if my period arrives on the weekend when it is due... but I suppose that itís good he is being firm so that I donít need to wonder about whether I should or shouldnít POAS.

    Iím back to work today (but working from home which is great). Dreading it as I have a new boss and he is earnest and asking lots of questions... Iím so demotivated with work at the moment ... itís super busy and I have worked really hard all year but Iím just tired of fighting the same battles and going through the same motions again and again. I shouldnít complain as I have it pretty good given I can work from overseas whenever I want and get paid a really decent salary that has enabled me to actually afford IVF. Must stay positive, must stay positive, must stay positive 😬😬😬

    Iíve also been thinking about seeing the counsellor at the clinic ...I was eating chocolate the other day and feeling guilty about feeding the potential baby junk food and DH and I were joking about how itís ok because we are sure ďheĒ has a sweet tooth (we have been calling the embie a ďheĒ for ease). And DH said that itís probably because ďheĒ takes after his mum and I joked back that noooo .... ďheĒ takes after his dad... before feeling really awkward because we are using donor sperm .... 😱😨 eek! We both moved on really quickly but it was the first time the reality of using donor sperm really hit me.

    Anyway, better get ready to start working .... will call the clinic and if they can slot me in for an appointment, it will be a sign to proceed with the counselling.

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #25 on: 28/08/18, 01:24 »
    Counselling appointment booked for tomorrow ... hope I find it helpful.

    Also, had to share a cute anecdote from a conversation with DH ... I told him our blast was rated AA... all very pleased with myself ... and he cluelessly asked me very seriously ... ok... so what is the highest rating .. is it possible to get a triple A? 😂😂😂 it felt like he was talking about battery sizes .... AA, AAA ... 😂😂😂 for some reason it just really just entertained me and made me laugh ... heís so clueless but adorable.

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #26 on: 28/08/18, 15:54 »
    Just had an upsetting and frustrating call for work. Trying not to get myself worked up or stressed about it. Need to focus on letting this embie have its best chance.

    No real symptoms today (generally felt normal ... occasionally felt like I had twinges here and there but not sure if Iím just willing it to happen) ... I really hope I get a BFP. Hope it will help to take my mind and stress away from work and make work bearable. So frustrated and sad that things are not going the way I would like them to go at work and in life. Feeling really emotional. Feel like Iím going through a mid-life crisis.... maybe Iím just tired.

    Happy another day is done and tomorrow will be 4dp5dt. Slowly inching my way to OTD.

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #27 on: 28/08/18, 16:17 »
    Omg, just realised with all the work stress I forgot to use the progesterone tonight 😰 using it 3 hours late... hope it is ok .....maybe thatís why Iím feeling so emotional with all my hormones going all over the place

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #28 on: 29/08/18, 04:30 »
    4dp5dt

    I had my counselling session this morning and honestly, I found it really worthwhile. I was a little sceptical and didnít know what to expect going in but would highly recommend anyone to try it. We spoke about the resentment I feel sometimes at DH for not taking action sooner, about how anxious Iím feeling about the whole process and the negative thoughts/ fear of things always going wrong.

    But more importantly, she gave me some strategies to deal with my anxiety - a breathing exercise to help me relax, a simple mindfulness technique to bring me back into the moment when my mind is racing and some self affirmations to be kinder to myself (which honestly felt stupid when I did the exercise but by the end, I could feel the emotions inside me and the way it helped to change my thinking). She told me to feel joy in the present - for example, instead of worrying about whether I will get a BFP, enjoy being PUPO now since worrying about the BFP wonít change the outcome and Iíll have plenty of time when I get the result to feel sad or happy. It really helped me to see that Iím not enjoying the moment.

    For my resentment and blame of DH, she helped me to realise that blaming others is a coping mechanism when you canít deal with your own emotions. And how it doesnít help because DH is probably feeling horrible enough as it is. I feel so bad now that I have snapped at him recently about not doing and being enough. I definitely plan to take him out for a nice dinner and try and mend some of our relationship that has broken down as a result of the stress of IVF. To get past the resentment, I need to to accept the situation Iím in.

    So overall, it was a really worthwhile 1hour. Iím planning to have another connect with her in a couple weeks to work on the ďacceptanceĒ of my situation 😅 as well as discuss the whole donor sperm/ďdadĒ thing.

    Meanwhile, Iím not really feeling any signs/symptoms. Still a few twinges here and there. Counting down the days but am determine to enjoy being PUPO in the meantime. 😊

    Offline Lanee

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    « Reply #29 on: 30/08/18, 01:19 »
    5dp5dt

    Oh no oh no oh no ... I saw the tiniest speck of blood and I am starting to feel those period like symptoms .... 10-12 days after egg collection is usually when my period arrives and today is day 10 😧

    I havenít been feeling pregnant at all and today Iím feeling a little crampy. Not good at all. I hope itís just the embryo implanting but somehow I donít think it is ... please be ok please be ok please be ok. DH and I need this so badly to be the one!