Praying for a 2nd miracle - ICSI #8

[Lanee]

Still 5dp5dt

At least my days seem to be passing by a little quicker. Had the crampy period feeling all day so was feeling pretty down the whole day. The crampy feeling seems to be more on the left side which is really weird and it almost feels like how I felt during stimms (like a bloated discomfort).

Also, thought that I was feeling a little nauseous that made me feel excited for a short while but realised later it was partly imagined and probably just because I was feeling hungry. But didn’t see anymore spotting the rest of the day so hope I’m still in with a chance.

Apparently by day 6 a lot of women start getting positives so I’m hoping from tomorrow I may feel some sort of a sign that I’m pregnant. I know it’s still early so unlikely but just wish I knew either way. I was thinking today about how women going through IVF are probably the only ones who actually wish they felt morning sickness!! 😂😅

Anyway, definitely need more positivity in my life right now. Work hasn’t been really great either so just generally feeling sorry and sad for myself. I did have my last acupuncture session here before I fly out of Oz this weekend which did help me to relax for a short while. My acupuncturist also put me onto this app called Headspace which has guided meditations. Even though I’ve been feeling so anxious and restless, it’s helped me to fall asleep the last two nights. So thought I’d share in case it helps someone else out there too 😴

[FertilityFriends]

[Lanee]

6dp5dt

I must have jinxed myself writing about Headspace because I woke up early feeling all anxious again and tried to use the meditation to get back to sleep but it didn’t work today 😔 my heart felt like it was pounding and no matter how much deep breathing I did, I couldn’t make it go away.

I also dreamt about my PGD result and it was unfortunately not good ... hope it’s not an indication of what’s to come.

No symptoms this morning ... my boobs are not sore, my back maybe is a little sore but I think that is just from lying in bed. Let’s see if I can get through another day. Trying to take it one day at a time. Sometimes I feel like my period is going to come but I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m so worried about it arriving. This totally sucks ... previous cycle failures really take the joy out of being PUPO. Haven’t felt excited or happy since the day of transfer ... I wish I could just find that again and just enjoy it for the 10days of waiting.

[Lanee]

Still 6dp5dt


Had a bit of brown spotting around lunch time today 😨 made me feel pretty worried all day. I guess I just have to wait and see if AF arrives but so hoping it’s just spotting from implantation. I can’t believe I’m only 6dpt ... it feels far longer than that!


And I’m missing DH a lot - I think that’s why it feels like time is dragging on. It definitely makes it more exciting and bearable having some moral support and someone to keep you positive. Poor DH has been getting my symptom updates over the phone and is feeling a little down because I told him about the spotting. I suppose I wanted to also manage his expectations so that he doesn’t get too excited just in case. Really wish I could give him a big hug.


Anyway, keep growing little one! I hope you’re still doing well inside....

[Lanee]

7dp5dt


Oh no... I might be out of the running for this cycle ... woke up and the spotting has increased - brownish pink. Sorry for TMI but I’m not sure if it is just pink (not red) because it’s all mixed with the yucky progesterone pessary. I guess time will tell if it becomes my full blown period. The cramping is a little sharper on the left side than when I normally get my period but not sure if I’m just paying more attention to it. My back is also feeling a little sore like my period is about to start. 😰


I haven’t been sleeping well the last few days. I keep waking up with this really anxious feeling in my chest. And this morning, I had a dream that my period started! My brain must just be filled with worry if 2 nights in a row I dreamt about a negative outcome.


I really hope it is implantation bleeding but I really don’t know. It seems to be getting heavier (I think I might have to switch from a liner to a pad today just in case). I’m so scared that by tomorrow my full blown period will have arrived. Please be ok please be ok please be ok. Will need to distract myself as much as possible today.

[Lanee]

Still 7dp5dt

So the spotting/bleeding got heavier through the day but hasn’t become a full blown period yet. It changed from a tiny bit of brown yesterday to more of a pink colour today and definitely heavier ... needed to change my liner fairly regularly. Sometimes I feel like the full on period cramps are starting and sometimes it goes away.

So I’m not sure what to think (googling certainly didn’t help)... feel like it could go either way really. Just hope that AF stays away.

Had a nice lunch with a friend & her hubby & kids today - it was good to stay distracted for about 3 hours. She asked me to stay for dinner but with the spotting getting heavier, I just really wanted to go home so I could lay on the couch. I had to make an excuse that I had “dinner with my cousins”. 🤥

I’m flying back home tomorrow so really hope travelling on a long haul flight doesn’t impact the potential baby in any way.

Anyway off to relax and to bed...Feeling pretty sleepy - probably because I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Hope this baby sticks and grows healthily in there (even though I didn’t eat very well today 😳).

[Lanee]

10pm 7dp5dt

Devastated... think AF has arrived. It’s become bright red flow now and a lot more. Starting to feel some of the usual period symptoms too. First fresh transfer and somehow I just knew it wasn’t going to work for us. So upsetting that nothing ever seems to go smoothly.

I’d even let myself look up when this baby would be due if it stuck - 13th May 2019 (just a few days after I turn 39). I really don’t know if this is ever going to happen for us. So devastated. Still don’t want to fully believe AF is arriving but it’s undeniably getting worse as each hour passes and the cramping is starting to feel more even (on both sides) and insistent.

[Lanee]

8dp5dt - AF arrived

Well, I’m definitely out this cycle. Period increased overnight and the cramping too. Mentally, I haven’t fully accepted it yet and am still clinging to some crazy hope that I’m one of those people that has a period and is still bfp but I highly doubt it. It’s deep red in colour and significant quantities and the cramping now feels exactly like my period cramps. Being a Sunday, I can’t get in touch with the nursing team or do a blood test today so will have to wait until tomorrow to confirm the bfn. Even though I’m 99.9% sure I’m out, I still used the progesterone this morning ... Guess I’m still in denial. Am sorely tempted to go and get a HPT so I can just confirm the negative and move on. Maybe I’ll do it at the airport later.

Have a long flight to mull over what could have been. A couple more days until I find out how the PGD went for my one frostie. I guess my flight will be spent figuring out new dates for my next cycle 😦

[Lanee]

It’s starting to hit me now that this cycle was unsuccessful. Having bouts of tears every so often and my heart feels broken. I’m so devastated for DH and I really don’t know what my next step will be now.

Am researching about FETs, hoping that my 1 snowbaby is a healthy one but I’m also considering going straight to another IVF cycle. This sounds so crazy because I don’t even have one baby but I had always wanted to have 2 kids. So even if this 1 snowbaby is all good, part of me wants to know I have a chance for a 2nd child.

But I’m also wondering if I do go with IVF, should I change my FS? Not because I want to change my FS but more because I want to try with a different lab. But the downside is that I probably won’t be able to start my cycle straight away and there are lots of logistics to deal with, with moving donor sperm etc to a new location. Or do I give this FS & lab one more chance given this was my best cycle yet. I’m so not sure what to do next... I guess I need to chat with my FS on Monday to see.

[Lanee]

So the BFN was confirmed yesterday. Humiliatingly I had to go and get my beta test completed even though I had my period already. It was a tough morning as a friend from work just came back after having 3 months off to focus on baby making herself. She had one IVF cycle and managed to get 9 embryos, all genetically normal, frozen from just 1 cycle. And we are the same age. Think she said she had over 20 retrieved, 17 made it to day 5 and 9 normal! I was so jealous hearing her results honestly.

But on the upside, I also found out yesterday that I have one PGD normal snow baby!!! Yay! Honestly, it’s such a relief to know that I can actually get to a normal embryo by day 5 - it’s a first time for me! So it’s definitely softened the blow for this cycle.

I cried a couple of times on my flight home feeling like such a failure. Had to try hard not to sob so that the 2 guys sitting on either side of my didn’t notice. It just felt like I had put my life on hold for 2 weeks and put myself through so much and nothing came out of it. 

But today, I’m feeling more positive about moving forward now. My FS only gives me a 50% chance of falling pregnant with the PGD normal embryo so I think I want to do another fresh cycle. I want to know I have tried in case I want baby #2 in the future even though I haven’t even had success the first time yet. Also, I will still get to do a fresh transfer so there may still be a chance that I fall pregnant.

The big question though that is still on my mind is whether to change clinics or not. I’m leaning towards not changing as I feel I got an ok result this last cycle and I know the process and the team. On the other hand, I wonder if having a different lab will make the difference in getting better quality embryos at the end of the process. Anyway, DH is back tomorrow after over 2 months away! Am so excited - have taken the day off work and can’t wait to see him and figure out the next steps too.

[Lanee]

DH is back! And I’m feeling so happy ... makes me realise that even if we are not successful with IVF, we are still lucky to have each other.


Also decided to proceed with another fresh cycle with the same FS. While I’m not sure she is the best, I’m happy that the last cycle was better and it’s just easier to proceed this way. We have decided to do this last fresh cycle with her, then if that’s not successful, we will transfer the one good embie we have frozen and if that’s still not successful, we will switch to a new clinic and FS.


So I’ve fallen off the wagon in terms of eating healthy so need to get back on track for the next cycle from tomorrow and to cut back my sugar intake and keep up the protein. Am also going to start acupuncture again with the Chinese ‘doctor’ (the one who I think is better and more accurate with her needle placement) next week too. But will just do it once a week until the actual medication starts. And the only other thing I’m going to do differently from the last cycle is to add some exercise - aim to walk 3x per week.


So feeling fairly positive about moving forward to the next steps.. Guess I need to update my diary name to cycle 7 😱